AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

[Fatshionista]

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

Without reading everyone's post it sounds to me like your PIL are just trying to do their best for a little boy who has been born into a very crap situation.

I actually think that you are being forced into a situation where you are almost the sole parent of your DD's and your prat of a H is talking the role of parent of DSS, along with the in-laws.

Not a good situation to be in, but until he speaks to his parents, I think you should just love love love your girls and see what happens.

I can't even imagine how you feel :(

captainmartincrieff if you did read all the posts on here you would see that it's clearly not as simple as that.

Personally I can't see that him talking to his parents today is going to make any difference at all until he comes at it totally on board with your point of view. And he clearly isn't. Sounds as if he's just said that to shut you up. He'll maybe bring it up in a half-hearted fashion, they "won't budge," and he'll come back to you, shrug his shoulders and say "well I tried. What more can I do?"

Honestly, if he does I'll be giving him an ultimatum. This isn't fair on the DC's and he cannot preach to be dad of the year and still be so self serving. If his parents adult feelings come before his wife and children then we have big problems that won't ever get sorted. My DD's happiness comes first and always will. I just want room to ne a good mum.

What SoftKittyWarmKitty said.

It sounds as if it's your DH, and his stinking attitude and approach to relationships (including those of his children) that's the problem. Especially if they happen to be female...

You could try pointing out to him that his SON won't thank him for any of this as he gets older:

• being farmed out to his grandparents instead of being a full part of his dad's family life

• being resented by his sisters as the favoured child despite the situation being no fault of his own - if this continues, I doubt very much whether the three children will have good relationships as they grow older (note: WHEN that happens, when his son is older, guess what his response will be? To stick with the siblings from his mother's side - so bye-bye dad and granny, no I don't want to spend Christmas with you...)

• not having as good a relstionship with his step-mum as he might have done

• being the linchpin for a lot of resentment (between you and DH, you and grandparents, DDs and grandparents... the list goes on).

This little boy is at enough of a disadvantage in his paternal family without his ARSE of a dad making it worse.

I don't hold out much hope though. Because it sounds as if he really IS an arse. And a bit of a nasty old misogynist, just like his parents. The sad thing is, he'll lose out just as much as his son. Because unless he steps up, his daughters will lose respect for him as they grow up and understand more, just as his wife is doing now. If he has it in him to grow up and man up, he seems to have an increasingly short window in which to do it. As you say, you're not backward in coming forward and you're protective of your daughters - two good qualities that I can't see allowing you to stay with this man for much
longer if things don't change.

Good luck.

I agree with you ShoutyHamster. I think he's been allowed to skate by for so long that now his decisions have proved wrong he can't deal with it and now he wants to disregard my well reasoned opinion to keep things how they are regardless of the issues it will cause.

I asked him last night whether he knew I was right but didn't want to do anything because it was my idea and his son is the only thing he has full control over and he said yes. We spoke for hours and I think he only agreed to shut me up. At least if he follows through the DC's won't be subjected to this anymore.

He's still a very young 25 but when he makes the age excuse I just can't help thinking that I'm 22, I have all of this pressure and responsibility on my shoulders and I'm not behaving like a spoiled child at the expense of my babies.

He infuriates me.

How has he got full control over his son when he spends most of his time at his mother's and half each weekend with his grandparents? Or did you mean full control of something that "isn't your business?" Although it is your business of course.

He means full control over him as it isn't my business and I am not the decision making parent in his life. Using DSS as a weapon like this is disturbing.

He sounds a hard man to respect!

This may be one of those rare situations where, if he's already aware that you've posted on MN, he should read the thread - might actually help in that at the moment, you're the lone voice iyswim? He can ignore you far more easily when you're the dissenting voice and there's him and his nutty parents on the other.

Had to laugh at the idea of him having 'full control' over his son - WTF?? No, that'd be the child's mum, THEN his own mum, then him well down the list. Doesn't he see that, while his son is growing up, the best way to become a key figure in his life is to, err, spend more time with him, have him grounded within HIS family??

How on earth can he think that his son is getting ANY message apart from 'You're less important, you get farmed out to granny every weekend'??

The mind boggles. But then - his previous ain't good, is it?

I think I would show him the thread - there are SO many really obvious points made on here as regards the damage he just can't see that he is doing. ''They'll understand and if they don't that's their problem"? Oh Lord - no, they won't understand, and yes, when it's TOO LATE it very much will be HIS problem.

I really feel for you, and for the children. All of them!

.. on the other SIDE I meant to say!

That sounds like he is viewing your family situation as a battle almost, with him on one side and you on the other. He shouldn't not want to do something because it is your idea. As a couple you two should have the same aims and desire for a united family.

Children are not things you are supposed to control - he must realise that his son is a real person who has thoughts and feelings and he is doing him (and your girls) a huge disservice to keep him on the fringes of your family like this.

Besides, you husband should be really pleased that you want to welcome his child. Many other women would be making it very difficult for him to parent this little boy. He owes you, big time for all you understanding and effort to fix this situation.

'He means full control over him as it isn't my business and I am not the decision making parent in his life. Using DSS as a weapon like this is disturbing.'

Another twatty response.

So scoring points off you is more important than creating family harmony?

Forget decision making parent - God, he's no parent at all!!

Sounds like you and your daughters could do a whole lot better.

He uses your small age gap as a reason to overrule you? Words fail. But do you really expect more from a 25 going on 14 year old that has a one night stand and fails to use protection?

He would do more than infuriate me. As has been said upthread, this whole situation smacks of you getting the shitty end of the stick from the very beginning of this relationship.

He keeps throwing it back in my face that I have previously said it's difficult for me to love DSS and difficult for me to parent him as he has a mum at home plus that if I get attached and DH and I go our separate ways or DSS' mum stops contact I have no right to be as part of his life. He thinks because I have these issues I shouldn't get a say and because I have made a point it is moot.

DH has told me he is talking to them today and they will have him one more Friday night and afterwards 'my plan' will be implemented. He doesn't seem happy but it's about what's best for everyone, not him.

I showed DH this thread last night and he said outside opinions don't matter and that he hates MN etc. There's no reasoning with him about here.

OK, so if you've shown him this and he's not interested, then he won't be looking at it again, so.... your husband is a complete and utter arse.

Glad to hear that he will be implementing the new arrangement. Have you decided what to do if he backs down in the face of opposition from his parents?

It doesn't matter if he hates MN. It doesn't stop what we say from being true. He only hates MN because it isn't seeing things his way and the truth is hard to swallow. Hopefully we've been able to reassure you that what you want is reasonable and in the best interests of all the children and you as a family.

I agree with whoever upthread said you should speak directly to DSS's mum. In this whole sorry situation it seems to me that the two of you (plus perhaps her DP) are the only people who will actually put the well-being of the children as the priority.

If you can arrange something she is onboard with, as realistically she is the one calling the shots, then MIL and your DP will just have to lump it. However, if she wants things to continue the way they are then it's a bigger problem than you had thought. :-(

Ah. Sorry. Things moved on whilst I posted. Hope things go well for you.

Fatshionista - I know a man in a similar situation as your DH ie two sets of kids by different mothers, who are sent to the GPs house for access weekends. The father then drops in and out of his parents' house. This arrangement has been set up because:

1. The more nights a child spends with its father or father's family, the less child support he pays. He loves this arrangement, as it reduces his bills and he doesn't have to do any childcare either.
2. The GPs are secretly horrified by their son's 'shoot and scoot' technique for producing children. They see their role as providing the stability the father won't.

This might help explain where your PIL are coming from. But only in one way - they just don't get it right now. Being nice to one GC at the expense of the others is not on; I think you have to convey to them that while they are doing a lot to help DSS, ignoring their other GC is storing up problems for the future.

Your "D"H seems to have a very low opinion of women that aren't his own mother. If you had a DS do you think this situation would happen?

And x-post response to say WELL DONE. Hope the new arrangement goes swimmingly.

I am in shock at this "man". Let me get this straight.

He cheated on you when pregnant and got another woman pregnant. Turned his back on her and came back to you. He had a third child with you. He is currently going through an early midlife crisis because he has realized he cannot be a rock star.

He seems to be very slow on the uptake in regards to many things, and with very low emotional intelligence. Does he have a job?

The only opinions that count are his own, and his parents.

His level of understanding of basic human emotion is so low, that I am really questionning how he can possibly be a good dad in the days of the week he sees his girls. Then he is blatantly favouring the boy in the days of the week he sees him.

But lets see what happens after he has spoken to his parents. Possibly not a lot, as he already seem to think your opinion is inferior, and he is probably keen to update his parents on your stance, and give them a chance to veto it.

But I just read that you have already told him that you are considering separating? Is this really an option? What good points does he have? To be blunt, what are the reasons to stay in this relationship?

But of course it is difficult for you to love your DSS and difficult for you to parent him - err, is that not just stating the obvious? However you are prepared to take on the challenge anyway. THAT is the salient point! In return - he should be endlessly thankful and be trying his best to make the difficult family situation THAT HE CREATED work for everyone.

Instead he's using silly technicalities and semantics - 'Weeelll - you said you didn't love him anyway!' to score points.

This man just hasn't ever grown up.

I can't help thinking that a part of the reason for that might be that so far, he's made the most gigantic mess ups, and the key people in his life have just mopped them up, enabling him to sit propped up at the centre of what is now quite a large family, just like a normal dad figure, when actually he's just a massive liability of a twat with a big fat swollen head.

Does he really not realise the extent to which your generous approach to this has ENABLED him to sit there at the centre of a family, instead of being a hassled weekend dad to two children with far diminished prospects of meeting someone to actually share his life with (as your DD2 wouldn't exist had you reacted to his OWs prognancy differently). Perhaps it's time to remind him of that. How FUCKING DARE he throw ANYTHING in your face?

Perhaps it's time to remind him that there's actually no time limit on you deciding that what he did makes him a shitbag not worth having?

Oh and he doesn't like MN? To coin a phrase - well he would say that, wouldn't he?

Pregnancy! Though prognancy I quite like