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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

215 replies

Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 19:13

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 15/08/2011 20:06

Does DSS enjopy spending the time with his grandparents? It seems very unfair to take that away from him in order to punish your MIL.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:10

We have recently had problems in our marriage with DH behaving inconsiderately, lying about trivial things and making me lose my trust. MIL is aware of this and feels uncomfortable here now even though we've spoken to her and this has been going on far longer than our problems.

DH is very close to his family and doesn't like it that DSS isn't here all of the time so really doesn't want to rock the boat. I feel he needs to or I will and I'm not exactly the girl with the most tact. I fear if I go there and they oppose me as they do I'll end up frustrated and telling them they are not welcome to see my DD's again until they feel they can distribute attention equally which is probably not the best idea.

DH knows how DD1 has been asking but thinks it's a phase and doesn't realise it'll get worse as she gets older.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2011 20:10

Your children live with you and their father and you are married. Your MIL knows that. What is probably on her mind is that the ex on a whim could stop contact at any point with her and your DH and she probably feels that if she has a good relationship with the ex and your DSS that this is less likely to happen.

I agree, its very unfair to punish the DSS by stopping this - he's already having to grow up in a house of which his father has never been part of - at least this way he gets regular contact with his extended family.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:13

It's not fair to take DSS from them. DSS loves them. I just wish they would see all the grandchildren either at the same time or treat them equally instead of this weird arrangement where DSS is favoured by them and DD1 and 2 are lucky to see them half an hour a week.

We make the effort and take them round to see them too but they never seem interested and in the end I feel so outcast and DD1 tells me she feels like they don't want her there and we leave.

I am so confused about what to do for the best.

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 15/08/2011 20:18

Wow, just wow.

What a crappy situation for you to be in! Your DH is being a prize pig about all this and he may end up breaking his wee girl's hearts :(

Is there any way your MIL could still keep up the same contact with DSS, but at some point during those days you could visit with the girls? If you didn't want to do it, then maybe DH could do it?

That way they'd still get to have DSS sleeping over, but would have the girls in front of them to build a relationship with? Not ideal, but may be a start.

If I were you I'd be like a beaten bear, totally raging!

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/08/2011 20:20

I dont think you can force them. My MIL blatantly favours DH's brothers children but I dont let it bother me. Its not us missing out, its her.

My DS is older than your DD but I can easily shield him from it and he can figure out the truth for himself if its still an issue when he's older.

Are you sure your DD is picking up on it? She's only recently turned 3 and they rarely notice at that age that adults dont want them there.

RitaMorgan · 15/08/2011 20:21

What is your MIL doing that makes your DD feel like they don't want her there? Three year olds aren't that intuitive so MIL must be making it very clear by being nasty to her?

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:24

She definitely is picking up on it. I have never mentioned anything about this in front of DD so she can't be picking up on what I say. She's quite perceptive and intuitive with a very good grasp on language, emotion and manipulation already. I try to calm her and reassure her but I know she's right. I feel the hostility too.

I am not PIL's biggest fans regardless and I'm sure they are not mine as we are incredibly different people but we can tolerate each other and be friendly despite the cats bum faces on occasion. When it comes to my DD's I can be a bit of a lioness so I wanted to gauge opinion here before I regret my mouth.

OP posts:
crazykat · 15/08/2011 20:25

We've got a similar situation with FIL. He had DH's sister's kids to stay every weekend, takes them on holiday at half term and for most of the summer holidays. He also buys them a load of presents at christmas and always buys SIL and BIL presents for their birthday's and christmas.

Since DH and I have been together (5years) we have had two christmas cards, DH has had one birthday card and DD1 and DSD have had one christmas card between them. DS and DD2 have had nothing. He couldn't even say congratulations to me when DH and I got married, FIL barely spoke to DH and his partner didn't speak to either of us.

It really hurts DH the way FIL ignores half his grandkids. DS is the only grandson and instead of coming to his christening, FIL took DNieces on holiday.

Sorry hijacked a bit there, even though ours is a slightly different situation I can understand how you feel. You need to make your DH see how this will affect his other children as they grow up they will start to resent DSS and the fact their grandparents favor him.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 20:27

It's not punishing DSS to put a stop to this. It's putting him on an equal footing with his sisters, so the 3 children can grow up with no resentment or bad feeling between them. It's very short sighted to let this continue because MIl wants it/because DSS is used to it. He needs to feel that his dads home is his home too and that will never happen while he has one foot in and one foot out.

All that can happen if this goes on is that the girls will feel granny doesn't love them, you will be resentful on their behalf. This will affect relationships with DSS, who is an innocent party in all this and he will grow up feeling he is not at home in your home(because he's hardly there) and will feel separate from his sisters, who could end up resentful of him in turn.

Your biggest problem is your husband, who is not treating his children equally either.

If you've told him all this and he still won't fix this, then I don't see much of a future for the two of you, even before you add in his lies etc.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:28

MIL seems to only play with DSS when they are here together and sends DD1 off to 'ask mummy' or 'play with Aunty'. I've caught her.offering DSS chocolate but saying to DD1 that "mummy said you've had enough" when I've said no such thing and when I told her it's fine she pulls a sour face and begrudgingly hands it over. When DD's are there she sits there with tea talking to DH but when DSS is around she's on her hands and knees getting involved and playing.

Written down it all seems so blatant and I feel quite upset.

OP posts:
Lonnie · 15/08/2011 20:29

Personally I would tell your dd the truth..

I am really sorry dd but grandma and grandad doesnt want to do this.

if she asks why simply say you do not know or say not all adults are that nice or fair.

Dont lie to her yu cant make the situation different.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 15/08/2011 20:30

I think your DH is the problem in all of this not your MIL and certainly not your DSS.

He has his priorities VERY skewed. To put his mothers demands above the feelings of his daughter(s) wrong especially when it is something so patently unfair.

Yes life is not fair in certain situations but this SHOULD NOT BE ONE OF THEM. He has it easily in his power to rectify the situation a quick phone call "Mum from no one were having dss here even weekend to be a proper family, you are more than welcome to spend Friday night here but this is how it will be from now on. "

The fact that he would is very telling.

He IS storing up an enormous amount of anguish and insecurity for you dd(s) for the future if this is not dealt with now.

(DH experienced a similar sort of situation as a child and has never really got over it).

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 20:32

Just read your last post. Think I would stop my DC from visiting anyway. they sound awful. Can't believe your husband won't deal with this. It's his duty to look after all his dc.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:32

DH's reasoning is that he's with DD's all the time so when DSS comes round if DD1 and DSS want a cuddle he will cuddle DSS. I made the argument that he has two arms. He made the argument that he doesn't have three.

He's finally listening that he needs to step up his game with regards to MIL but still doesn't want to stop the weekend sleepovers.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 15/08/2011 20:33

Ugh they all sound hideous,and I include your arse of a "D"H as well.
You and your lovely DD's would be better off without them all.

Oh, and I speak from experience. My DD's have a half sister who is less than 6 months older than my DD2. My IL's are idiots too. Their father in now thank god an XH, and we are all much much happier for it.
They do see their father regularly and their sister too. And their grandparents, though XMIL still favours her for some reason. But the less contact with the toxic lot of them the better.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 15/08/2011 20:33

bloody hell spellcheck arrgghh

Now on we're

The fact he won't for Your dd's

LolaRennt · 15/08/2011 20:34

I can't get beyond the fact that he cheated on you whilst pregnant and then left the second woman after having a baby with her.

Has he got a massive penis?

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 20:35

So in order to stop DSS feeling second best, he is making his DD's feel second best.

He is separating his children here instead of trying to create one family, where everyone feels equally loved.

He sounds like a total plank

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:38

I think I give DH too much credit. He tries but it's never good enough. He is in counselling and we are in counselling together to get us over our issues that pale in comparison. DH is having a quarter life crisis in which he's finally realising he won't be a rock star and will be a full time daddy. No longer the big single man who can do what he wants and has to be a team with me.

He loves us all but can't stand being told what to do but also cannot make the big decisions together or alone. He cannot lead but cannot fall in line.

OP posts:
TryLikingClarity · 15/08/2011 20:41

"DH's reasoning is that he's with DD's all the time so when DSS comes round if DD1 and DSS want a cuddle he will cuddle DSS. I made the argument that he has two arms. He made the argument that he doesn't have three."

Sorry, WTF? He sounds awful saying things like that about his own children :(

He has 3 children, it's his responsibility to make them all feel loved, wanted and special.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:41

He cheated on me, yes. Royal twat. He had a one night stand with DSS' mum so there was never a relationship. Within a week of the incident he was grovelling for me and when we'd got back together he found out she was pregnant.

Still a twat but not as huge a twat as I.probably made out.

OP posts:
Iwantscallops · 15/08/2011 20:43

Thinking of it from your DSS's point of view, when he is older he is gong to wonder why he spent a night a week with is nan and not his dad. This strange situation has problems for all children involved.

The priority for your family is to all spend time TOGETHER and if the grandparents want to be involved it will be with ALL of your kids.

Your DH is the problem, not your PIL's. He has allowed this to happen.

Original poster
Fatshionista · 15/08/2011 20:43

Excuse the random .'s. I was on my phone but now I'm on a laptop so I can type semi-coherently.

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 15/08/2011 20:43

Regardless of you and your girls, his GP's having him overnight every week is eating into time he should be enjoying with his Dad and getting to know his half-sisters.

Frankly I think you MIL is taking the piss big time - it is not up to her to control arrangements for your family and your DH should grow a pair and tell her as much.

I can only wonder if he has some issues with your DSS himself - perhaps seeing him is a reminder of what he did to you and makes him feel unbearably guilty?