AIBU to bring MIL & FIL up on this regarding DD's & DSS?

[Fatshionista]

DSS is 2.6 and has been staying with MIL and FIL every Friday to Sunday since he was born and DH was living with them. DH moved in with me when he came back to me and DD1 when DSS was 6 months old and since then DSS has spent every Friday night and Saturday morning with MIL and then comes to us Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening.

My issue is that while MIL is happy to have DSS overnight and spends so much time with him she barely sees our DD's (3 and 8 months) even though we live around the corner. She won't take them on days out like she does with DSS, doesn't have or even offer to babysit/have them for a few hours but if she doesn't see DSS on a Friday gets irritable.

AIBU to feel hurt and quite resentful? It's not so much that I want her to have the DD's for me but the offer would be lovely. It's all about DD1 was around nine months before DSS was born.

What makes it worse is that DD1 is asking why she doesn't ever go out with Nan and Grandad and DH doesn't see it as a problem because "It's always been this way, they like to see him". Great, see him but don't not see DD's :(

AIBU?

I understand what you are saying about seeing him drawing with DD1 - little moments do make it hard to see what is best for them and for you.

However, small moments like this are not enough. Re-read your post, read about how little he cares about the girls feelings? Read how he's prepared for his own parents to barely see them - to hurt them?

It didn't start well - him fucking around on you when you were pregnant and being brutally honest it's not going to get any better.

His parents may well not be able to stand you - but any decent man would stand up for his wife. - he would not be facilitating them having his son and yet treating his daughters & you the way they do. No way.

I understand why you are worried about being able to look after them properly if you were alone, but trust me, they and you would be fine.

I think that if you got your H out of the house, your depression would be a lot better. (I know clinical depression can't be 'cured' like this and it's not about being 'happy' as such - but I still don't think that living in an unhappy way helps).

The kids might not get bathed quite as often and the house might get a bit more untidy - but it's not neglect.

Sounds like a horrible situation. Like others have said your husband needs to stand up to his parents. Maybe you should have DSS every weekend but the grandparents could maybe have your oldest DD and DSS for a sleepover on either Friday or Sat night every couple of weeks or so. That way they have to see both of them (your baby could join in when she is a bit older). It also means that your daughter gets to see grandparents without you having to spend too much time there!!! It gives you the control, either they see them both or not at all.

He is such a man child - unable/unwilling to defend you to his own parents, unwilling/unable to demand fair treatment for his girls, allowing his parents to dictate care of his son, expecting you to put up with all this and finance his course.

Your dad is right. He is leeching off you and you would be so much better off going it alone. You honestly don't need him, you just need faith in your own abilities. Being with him is dragging you down.

I've just read this thread in shock and horror. I'm 23 a-d if my dh treated me like yours does I'd have run away by now and not looked back.

Think of it this way your 22 my grandad has just turned 90 so using that as a guide do you REALLY want to be treated this way for the next 60+ years? You say 'i think I can fix it' when? When your 30, 25, 50? Do you really want to be treated like a second class citizen until he grows up? Or decides he wants different things and leaves you?

I can only imagine how hard it must be to make a decision like this, but you have some serious thinking to do. If only for the sake of your girls

You sound like a great mum.

I know you love this man, but he is a terrible husband and father.

He doesn't respect you or his daughters. If he did, he would be standing up to his parents, telling them to respect you, and not telling you things that will hurt you (if he had to say they don't like you, there are gentler ways).

They are a toxic family.

If you stay with this man, it will damage you and as others have said, you are so very very young. If you can cover the bills with your freelance, the house will be even cheaper to run without him. You will be stronger and happier without him.

He will also damage your daughters. They'll know that they're not favoured, that their mum isn't respected - that women aren't respected.

Your DSS is lucky to have you in his life, but he'll also be damaged if this continues - being spoilt and treated differently to siblings is not a good thing.

I think it will be hard for you to separate from him. It is such an easy thing for us to suggest. But really, he sounds abhorrent. Imagine another 50 years of that behaviour - I couldn't stand it.

Good luck.

If you split up with him, presumably he'll run back to his parents. He can see your DDs at the weekend. At his parents. All three children will then be equal.

'I love him, he loved and respected me for me at one stage and I live in hope that we'll get back there, he's a good hands on dad to DD's when DSS isn't around, he helps around the house, we get on well as a couple personality wise and I guess I'm too positive for my own good.'

That's the approach that has got you to where you are now. I don't want to sound harsh to someone who is clearly doing a FAB job in the most shitty circumstances but honestly, most people wouldn't have taken this guy back after the spectacular shit-up he made which resulted in your DSS.

Personally I don't believe that this guy respected you in any sense - if so, why has it changed? - you've done nothing to lose respect, on the contrary, you've gone the extra mile for HIS son. No, what you saw then was the rose-tinted early days stuff. You WON'T get back there. This situation is what things are, it is the reality. And that is no surprise, because by any measured, considered, external viewpoint, this guy is a complete waster. That's the truth, and even though you are still pulled in by the 'love' thang - so hard to let go - you KNOW he's a waster.

Your Dad is right.

You don't need him.

He's beginning to make your life a miserable one, and likewise your DDs.

He relies on you, not the other way around.

You now know that one of the keystone 'reasons' for all this is that his parents just don't like you - in other words, you suspected that they were twats who had raised a twat - now you KNOW it.

He's just dropped a particularly nasty bombshell - I'd take this opportunity to respond in kind, and ask him to leave. Personally, now that's out in the open, I don't see what other recourse you have that isn't basically saying 'ok, they hate me, I'll just put up with that.'

No. They hate you? Right, then that's not a family. So, we have two families, yes? He clearly prefers the other one. So, off you fuck, dearie.

You and your DDs will thrive, thrive, thrive without him, and he can go and parasite off someone else... how did I know he wouldn't be earning? Look out MIL, there's an electricity course bill coming your way!

You will cope. Talk to your Dad about it - I bet there'll be reasurances and offers of help coming your way. You can do it.

Oh and by the way... if you want to look for reasons why the inlaws 'hate you', it's probably because in their controlling, insecure little world, YOU stand/stod in the way of them getting the little set-up they wanted: their son back at home with his OWN son - MIL getting to re-live the baby days every weekend and stay the matriarch - perfect. Basically, her living almost the dream of every nightmare MIL - getting to be the 'woman of the house' with her own grown-up son and his baby!

You spoiled that, you see. That's how immature and toxic they are. Don't waste another second on them, save to be thankful that they aren't busy screwing up your DDs too!

I'm struggling. I'm reading through all your posts and I know you're right but bringing myself to end it with DH makes my heart lodge in my mouth. I don't want to end it but I know that I will have to sooner or later. I just hope I have the confidence and self-worth to do it sooner before he drags me under some more.

Just had another blow that I won't be paid for another week so I'm worrying about bills too.

The other issue is that my house is rented from DH's uncle (MIL's brother) and if MIL has anything to do with it she'll probably try to get me out of here and if DH is not here it'll be easier on DH's uncle. I can't go back on the council list and this is my only real hope.

:(

shoutyhamster that's a superb analysis of the situation; I'll wager you're spot on.

MIL doesn't like me for many reasons. She is the most uneducated woman with a degree I have ever met. She is teetotal and will scowl at me if I mention alcohol or have a glass of wine. She doesn't smoke but I do. She once said to me that "Feminism is the worst thing to happen to women. I'd love to stay home and raise a family but they made it so I should work". The ignorance is astounding and the says this as a woman who made a choice to work with a daughter and two granddaughters. Absolutely astounding.

Our views differ. Her dad died from alcoholism so she doesn't drink but that doesn't mean a glass of wine is the devil and she gets to pull a catsbum face at my choices. She doesn't like that DH doesn't listen to everything she says or that DH drinks, goes out, has a life, has tried drugs etc. She hates that he has had children so young and she hates me for being a part of that. Plus I am highly outgoing and confident in most cases and will say what's on my mind whereas she isn't that way at all. I will stand up for what I believe in even if I'm the only one standing and she doesn't know how to take me.

Her loss, I'm awesome

I need to joke right now. Feel like crying.

He can't just evict you - tenants do have some rights. And if he does, then the council are obliged to house you. I know it is one more thing to worry about, but you can't stay in a relationship because of housing.

I think even your MIl might baulk at evicting her own grand children, even if she doesn't like you.

Are you paying market rates for the house or are you being given a good family discount?

Could you rent a smaller place for you and the girls?

Could you stay with your Dad?

The security is nil. In my tenancy it is a month to month rolling contract after the initial six months which I have just passed. The tenancy is in my name only so that's a relief but to change the tenancy I would have to speak to DH's uncle and he's a buggar to get hold of and I don't know his address. Will have to speak to DH about it but if he knows I am getting my affairs in order to leave him he might not be very forthcoming in his information iyswim.

CAB has drop in sessions every Thursday here so I could go Thursday without the children. Is it a good idea?

Karma - if they are 'tennants', if they're just family being allowed to live there they wont have any rights.

Yes, I am paying market rates with a £50 a month shortfall on his asking price. He moved it down £50 so housing benefit would contribute somewhat as I am self employed. They pay around 20%.

I cannot rent privately as I have no bond or savings to set up elsewhere. I could go with the council but since I left my council flat voluntarily six months ago to move here and owe them rent of around £500 I'll be put to the bottom of the list. Agencies won't take me (not that I have the money to pay them) as they want credit checks etc and my credit thanks to being 18 and stupid and DH is rock bottom.

No go to stay with Dad. He lives with his girlfriend and her son plus two dogs in a two bedroom house.

I am a tenant. I have a tenancy agreement and pay market rate rent for this property even though HB contribute 20%.

If the tennancy is in your name - what's the issue with telling your H to leave?

There's no harm in going to the CAB, but I'm not sure what you are going for?

Apologies for the following questions but I'm trying to get a timeline/overview in the hope that I can offer some helpful suggestions to improve relations for all concerned regardless of whether you decide to separate again from your dh.

You''ve said that dh returned to you and dd1 when dss was 6 months old - when did he leave, and during the time that you were separated did he live with his parents?

How do your PIL's relate to the mother of your dss? Do they make disparaging remarks about her?

Does your DH have siblings? If so, are they male or female, older/younger, are any living at home?

You dd1 is 3.8years; dss is 2.6, how old is your younger dd? How long did you know dh before you married him, and how long have you been married?

This is surely sewing the seeds of resentment of your DDs towards DSS, through no fault of his own. They are siblings, their future relationship is just as valid and important and should not be damaged before it's even had a chance to begin. How long until your DDs start disliking DSS because of all this special attention he gets? It needs to be stopped now, and everything does need to be equal.

The issue is that since it's an unsecured tenancy and month to month I'm afraid DH's uncle will evict me due to pressure from MIL (he is easily led) and without DH here his morals could be skewed.

I'm not sure, I don't know him too well. It's more of a landlord/tenant relationship with us but if DH is fucked off at me leaving him he could tell lies and I could be evicted short notice. I don't know.