Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

I am not ignorant about mental health thankyou very much but he sounds like he’s trying it on
too ill to go out but ok enough to hang round and complain about his mum who has clearly said he can cook himself
I’m not surprised OP is stressed out this needs nipping in the bud - if there is a serious issue get him to the GP but either way this behaviour can’t continue it is no good for anyone.

I feel like calling what could be OCD ‘nonsense’ is incredibly disrespectful.

At my worst I was unable to eat food that was served in the wrong dish (if I were expecting a sundae glass for example but it came in a bowl instead), and had a panic attack because a restaurant was the wrong colour…I wasn’t being controlling, problematic, any of the other things people on this thread claim the son is being, I was just not medicated correctly and needed balancing, my family were supportive, let me have space when I had a panic attack, didn’t complain when I left food or remade it, just supported me.

He is at a tough age, ADHD may be making it worse. Help him work through it, get him some talking therapy, and if it isn’t improving then medication may be an option.

And it is PANDER

Not a professional, but it sounds a lot like OCD. I read your post quickly, but the part about asking you not to speak for fear of bits of saliva falling in food really sounded like OCD. It starts from anxiety, has nothing to do with character. You can consult with a therapist for advice, even if he refuses to go.

Strangely enough, even strep throat can lead to OCD (the condition is called Pandas).

It sounds like you have been through a lot, so please try not to think, "Oh no, abuse yet again" because it could be totally different...

We have a lot of ADHD and Autism in our families (whoever says it isn't genetic is a fool) both can lead to abusive and controlling behaviours.

Our DS is the sweetest, gentlest boy with a real sense of what is right and wrong he's stood up for peers on several times and is loved by everyone.

He can also be a nightmare when he is dysregulated and if we aren't very careful with him I could see him losing it and saying awful things and smashing things up.

SEN brains are different he doesn't have the regulation ability of other children however that doesn't mean he gets to be a dick he needs strategies to calm down and not get in that state.

We find all of ours can forget to eat and drink but also need down time straight after school.

I’m a CBT Therapist in CAMHs. It sounds like OCD. The sooner he accesses CBT the easier it will be. If the wait times are long pay privately if you can afford it. Search for private CBT therapist on psychology today. It needs to be a CBT therapist NOT a counsellor. Best of luck x

If your child has ADHD, it very rarely travels alone. It’s very common for anxiety, OCD, depression, ASD and other mental health or neurodivergence to co-occur and I would take this very seriously. My own child is the same age. AuDHD with anxiety and whilst his presents differently than this, he has needed mental health support.
This sounds like things might be tough for him somewhere in his life and I’d either go to your GP or self-refer to CAMHS/STEP-2.

i am saddened to read people saying not to pander to it.

I have severe OCD. As an adult it is managed after years of support and treatment (after a severe period as an adult) with medication. It took years of therapy, occupational therapy and psychiatry to help me as an adult.

My OCD started in early adolescence, very caring, well meaning family did not seek treatment. Years of homeschooling, etc and somehow I ended up surviving college and University and became someone who functioned with OCD, until I couldn't anymore. It took years for me to recover. I did well at Uni and college and professionally but my OCD was masked, and considered good qualities. My income enabled me to buy new bedding, cutlery, utensils, towels, clothes amongst other things weekly for many years until it got beyond that.

If he has OCD, help him now. Save him from years of anxiety and feeling helpless. My first instinct is he does not want your saliva on his food. But also strangely when very very ill as a adult my dad did all my washing, I showered at his house. The thought of my house being used for these things made me ill, but he was safe, I told him what to do, cleaned his bathroom, but I trusted him, this eventually became not being able to use my kitchen at all for a short time and led to me getting mental health support, support I should have really got at 14.

Would like to say with help I am very happy and healthy, but I did have a very bad time as an adult for a time and although I love my family I wish they had helped me more when I was younger. Being formally diagnosed with OCD when you are 30+ sucks.

I do feel for you, I look back and cannot imagine living with me when my OCD was not manageable and undertand being completely frustrated.

Sorry for such a long post. I just feel for him if he does have OCD as a teenager.

Please look into Pans/pandas

I’m really sorry. It sounds as if your life has been really hard for ages. I’d go to the doctor yourself, see what support they can give YOU.

It sounds like your son has at least two issues - the rage/behaviour that has meant he’s moved to PRUs and the OCD, if that’s what it is.

But I’d focus on looking after you. If you burn out, who will look after your son?

Eating disorders are quite under-diagnosed in boys/men. They are allowed to believe their unhealthy attitudes towards food are 'rational'.

It can take a lot of time for them to get help and unpick their eating disorders, as a result.

Nope. I have a (now adult) child with OCD. With this sort of stuff they were always given 2 choices, work with a professional to gain the required degree of control over things so they didn’t impact others (to an unbearable degree, obviously it can’t magically vanish altogether), or there was no place in the home for them as also had a duty of care to their siblings.

There are some really uneducated comments on here.

It sounds like your son does have OCD. Does he have emetophobia? Because this is a classic behaviour of those that do.

It

Control-based disorders like OCD and eating disorders are so much easier to support and manage if the work starts early. He needs to see a professional. Perhaps you could speak to a psychologist about how to support him to engage with therapy? He needs to be a willing participant to benefit.

What do you think happened to people whose poor mental health meant they were not able to eat the one meal provided? Use your imagination. Do you really think they all just snapped out of it and were fine? Really?

I just want to add to the many voices saying that OCD is a serious illness and that he needs help. And absolutely do not pander to it as it'll just get worse. I speak from experience unfortunately. Our family has been torn apart by my siibling's severe OCD and their refusal to even acknowledge it, never mind seek help. We pandered to it for years, out of fear (there was a previous episode that involved overdoses), but all we did was make it worse.

A friend of mine is on meds AND has (privately paid for) therapy every week. I think it’s the combination which works for her.

He can consider OCD or not, but he has a raging case of it. He needs to get treatment for it. It generally only gets worse, especially with stress.

Yes I may have, but not for the reasons you are implying.

I have expectations of the dishes things will be served in here, so when it didn’t meet the expectations it could trigger my OCD response. But in a third world country I would have had different expectations, and couldn’t have been served to me in the wrong dish in a restaurant because there would be no restaurant or expectations of a particular dish.

I hope you have a nice day, maybe stay off the threads you have nothing nice to add to…costs nothing to click to the next post.

Perhaps he has noticed that you spit in the food when talking? I've observed that people often do spit or spray when they are talking animatedly and if they're prepping food at the same time, it's gross. Yes, I know nobody will get sick from this but...it's just not nice. Instead of thinking he's rude, why don't you ask him if this is the reason and he's actually too polite to say so?

Have him checked for PANS/PANDAS. It’can affect neurodivergent children/teenagers. Some of the symptoms that you mention such as OCD, restricted eating etc are symptoms of PANS/PANDAS. The “not talking” could be misophonia. It’s definitely worth ruling out. PANS/PANDAS UK have a website with further information.

Has he had any recent infections such as strep etc?

Not sure if any pp have mentioned this but look up ARFID, I have this disorder and it's a real struggle. If it is this, therapy is helpful x