Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

Your son either has a genuine medical condition that requires urgent help or he is controlling and rude. Is it likely he’s been red pilled?

Sounds awful for everyone, possibly an eating disorder, he needs professional help i think, i don't think anybody can truly advise you, maybe let him cook and tidy up after, but he has to realise his behaviour isn't normal ?

Tell him no.
Point out you haven't poisoned him in 15 years
That it is your house and you will talk if you wish
That the food is perfectly good.
That he can cook it himself if he has a problem but he will also clear up.

Do not pander to this nonsense

If he's capable of cooking let him do it himself and make him clear up. If he's that ill that he's not in school why's he hanging around you on the kitchen.

Have you told him he’s treating you like a servant?

‘Cook it yourself then’

Yes, he needs to listen to you and you need to be quite firm with him. The more you pander to any unreasonable requests, the worse he’ll get as that’s how OCD thrives. The person suffering has to continually gain a bit more control and their world slowly shrinks.

My DS (17) is autistic and has now decided he wants to take his already restrictive diet and turn vegan! I’ve explained that until I use up the chicken in the freezer, that I’m not supporting that choice and also, that he’ll be required to make more of his own meals as I’m not planning to go vegan just for him.
So far, he’s accepted my terms and we’re slowly including the odd vegan meal. 🤞

He sounds like he's in a high anxiety state. Our DD gets more controlling and obsessive when she's anxious.

I would be gently pushing back and build up the pushback with discussion with him. So maybe start with we aren't going to wash everything again.

He's old enough to have a conversation that something is obviously making him anxious this isn't usual healthy behaviour let's try to work out what is wrong.

It's very hard as a parent to see your child struggling

This.

Would not want to put up with this nonsense if at all possible. Nip in the bud before it becomes a bigger "thing". Do not panda to him.

Your son needs support and professional help. Whatever is going on is not only adversely affecting his life, but it is affecting others (you) too. He's not treating you like a servant, you are not pandering to him. He appears to have a debilitating mental health condition which requires appropriate treatment - not discipline and telling off.

Did he say why? If he is worried about saliva contaminating his food, that points to OCD, but if you are not to talk because cooking his food is more important, then that’s a different story.

Based on his other anxieties, I suspect it’s the former?

I think that you need to have a serious conversation with him and explain that this is not normal behaviour. Try to get from him what he finds disturbing about you talking while cooking, and why he has to re-wash already sparklingly clean pans. What does he think will happen if you talk while cooking?

Make it clear that these behaviours are classic symptoms of OCD and get him to justify why he thinks that it doesn't apply to him.

If he won't engage, then explain that you want to help him, but that you're not prepared to abide by his rules of he's not prepared to be open about discussing his issues, or addressing them beyond demanding compliance from others.

Your child has a health condition and as hus parent it’s your job to seek treatment for it.

Why doesnt he want you to speak

I'd tell him this behaviour is extreme and unreasonable, that I'm very worried and think he needs to see a doctor.

And that if he doesn't agree he needs to behave properly, there'll be no more acceptance of his rudeness or pandering to him if he won't (let you?) seek help.

Get him some mental health support. This is so far from what is normal, but sometimes the abnormal creeps up on you and it is hard to see the wood for the trees. He needs professional help.

Oh good Lord no. Having concerns about hygiene is one thing. Ordering your mother to cook for you when you're perfectly capable of doing so yourself, inspecting the equipment she will use for suitability, and then instructing her to do it silently is completely off the scale unreasonable. No.

If he won't engage with professional help because he doesn't feel it's an issue, he can research nutrition, and take it from here himself.

Let him cook his own food. And give him a list of what you expect cleaned up afterwards.

1 Wash and dry all dishes used.
2 Wipe down countertops with (name cleaner).
3 Wipe down cooker/microwave surface with (name cleaner).
4 Clean out sink with (name cleaner).

He'll soon get sick of it and sort himself out a bit.

This is such a strange, strange thing to say and why many young men struggle with their MH. Boys can have OCD without watching manosphere red pill content. The same way that they can have other MH issues..

Main bit of advice: tell him to cook for himself if he doesn’t like how you cook for him. Will set himself up for life and help him understand consequences in the short-term

I cook a family dinner every night but I wouldn't be making lunch for a 15yo. Let him sort himself out.

My son used to be like this except while he came across as very rude, it clearly wasnt intentionally. There was real distress, he used to look closely at any meat, even the colour of vegetables ect. He also had a fixation of washing his hands for over three minutes before eating or doing anything 'unclean.' We're in the middle of an ocd diagnosis now. Admittedly I put it off because I thought it was nonsense at first but its gotten to this point. He was also resistant to the idea of it being OCD at first and he doesnt have adhd if it matters.

Maybe you can try a professional? He might not have something like my son (food controlling behaviour can be sign of OCD or an eating disorder but also just.. teenagers being teenagers). But it might help getting to the root of it if he wont discuss it with you. Or if hes interested and after youve spoken to a professional, he can cook himself , 15 is plenty old enough . Maybe you two can to shopping together to pick for his cooking too as long as hes not suggesting very expensive premium meat 😅

Do you genuinely think he has OCD? I know a lad who had a mental health crisis leading up to A levels and was hospitalised for three months with OCD and was on suicide watch for part of it - it can be a very serious debilitating condition, and if your son is getting so obsessive he should be evaluated.

I agree, i don't think it is manageable anymore, from what the op is saying, he has escalated.

He needs treatment. I have a colleague with a teenage son with eating disorders, orthorexia, hygiene hypersensitivity, amongst other things, and the whole family has over the years become straightjacketed by that child's "requirements", ruining all family life. Everyone tiptoes around him in a state of heightened stress. I don't want to be unsympathetic and get that they are hypersensitive, I have an ADHD child (adult) myself, but there are other people in the family to consider too. Nip it in the bud if at all possible.