Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

I wondered the same thing.
I'm guessing probably not, but I don't know.

Whether it's a medical condition or he's just incredibly rude you need to find him help.

He needs urgent help this is a suicide risk

on a less dramatic note , the method they will suggest to you is to not give in to his demands you firmly say no i will not do anything that is above and beyond normal safe practice

ocd if fucking hard and needs expert help assp

obviously make an urgent appointment at the school

Panda 🐼

I understand that and the son sounds very abusive. But to say it isn't the OP's problem if he refuses help. How does that work? It is her problem because she has to either live with the abuse or kick him out onto the streets. Neither option is good.

The bottom bit is really significant. He clearly has food related issues but he has also watched you be abused by other boys or men in the house. His behaviour is concerning and you are on the receiving end of most of it. I really hope you can get some support.

i feel it for both of you. Similar story here. 15 y/o son, autistic /PDA/ARFID. Massive food issues. I have to cook everything from scratch or he won’t eat it. Very restricted diet. Nightmare!! I give into him so he’ll eat - many ARFID sufferers end up on feeding tubes & I’ll do anything to avoid it. Sounds like your son’s anxiety is very high & he’s using food to get some control in his life. Is school stressing him out? Or something else? Definitely make a drs appointment & see what advice they have xx

Have you looked into P/P

Sorry it sounds very much like your son is developing an eating disorder. You’ve already mentioned ADHD and restrictive eating and these OCD behaviours are very common in an eating disorder. Eating disorders are someone trying to gain back control due to other things that are happening like severe anxiety, depression or other issues. Recommend you see GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS for support. The Charlie Waller Trust does some really good courses for carers of neurodivergent eating disorder sufferers.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Your auto-correct made me laugh! I agree, she definitely should not imitate any pandas in front of him. That would be very confusing!

Seriously though, OP, your son is clearly developing some serious MH issues. It's your duty as a parent to make him go to the doctor. If you can afford private counselling, all the better. But he does need to see his GP. He's still young enough that you can make him go. But in a few short years, he won't be, so you need to grab the reins and get ahead of this now. He needs you to do this, even though he doesn't see it - which is part of the illness. Accepting that he thinks he does not have OCD isn't good enough, I'm afraid. There is much evidence to the contrary, and he clearly is not able to help himself.

"UtterlyStMary · Today 13:06
Your son needs support and professional help. Whatever is going on is not only adversely affecting his life, but it is affecting others (you) too. He's not treating you like a servant, you are not pandering to him. He appears to have a debilitating mental health condition which requires appropriate treatment - not discipline and telling off."

I agree with @UtterlyStMary. If your son is developing OCD, then this needs to be addressed as soon as possible. My elder YP suffered from OCD - it can still flare occasionally but is much better managed now but previously when she was really in the grip of it, because of the routines required, it was messing massively with her sleep and starting to interfere with school which was increasing her stress and distress. The key is actually to resist the OCD-generated requests as that ultimately feeds the condition (but the arguments we had when I tried to fight the OCD monster were not pretty). Our YP had Exposure-Response Prevention therapy which really helped: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/erp/ She has had the occasional further session with her therapist when she feels something new has triggered an OCD response but it's much less of an issue now.

I’ve just watched a close friend go through this with her son. His OCD traits started mid teens and then spiked suddenly and he developed a catatonic psychosis, and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I think things could have been improved if he had been treated earlier and with more rigour. He is doing well now on SSRIs.

Look into SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions). There are loads of videos and podcasts about it and a book.

I would also make a GP appointment without him there. It will take you years to get referred anyway which will give you time to get him used to the idea slowly.

Agreed, true OCD is a debilitating mental illness that requires expert intervention,.pushing back can cause a meltdown situation

With regards to the pushback yes I agree with that but be gentle. OCD can often be a co morbidity of an Eating Disorder and especially with ADHD. The fear of germs can lead to fear of how food is prepared leading to less and less safe foods. Given an already rocky relationship with CAMHS which might not be entirely his fault <ask me how I know> engagement with an ED team could become tricky. At least if he lets you prepare food you know what he’s getting

Life is so unfair. When I was young, many years ago, nobody had heard of ADHD so we all had to get off our arses and work. So we did and survived.

Put your foot down and refuse. I work with ND adults and have seen several cases are parents being controlled by their adult offspring, some including physical violence. They got so used to making accommodations for their needs that they didn't notice that progression to coercive control until they were absolutely broken by it all.
If he us uncomfortable with how you do it he needs to do it himslef and he needs to engage with support.

He can cook for himself and if he keeps being rude, he can buy his own food too

This - he's clearly unwell.

What help is he getting for his ADHD, potential OCD etc?

Yeah, the glorious past, where conditions were not understood and people self-medicated with booze.

This
it all sounds absolutely ridiculous and you need to call this out
tell him no more cooking for him he can do his own and see what happens would be my advice.

@Thehabbsareintheho
Why would he suddenly develop OCD?
Sorry to not quite know/understand but
If that's the case then there must've being a trigger somewhere and if you think about it yourself can you recall anything at all?
I think personally its what he's viewing online
And I say to stop him becoming more rigid and aggressively hostile towards you
You tell him you've always cooked and he ain't dead yet and if he don't like it he cooks then completely tidies up after himself if he thinks he can do better!
Bet he don't complain about the quality of your Housekeeping/laundry skills so fork him!
Stand up to him now
If he's swallowing shite from the net, next
It could start with a slight tap/slap here and there to keep you "under" and parental DV is unfortunately not the rarest thing on earth

In 2026, how is it possible that anyone remains this ignorant about mental health?

Being rude?! He's ILL! It's not a choice! Mental illness has just as much a biological basis as cancer does!