Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

Tell him you breast fed him and he survived.

He has OCD. CBT might help

I have a child with OCD, we were told it is important to not listen to the OCD and reject it.

One of the techniques in the CBT my kid had (but she was 8 years old so strategies may differ) was

resist
reduce
delay

these examples are specific to my kid but you can adapt:

so resist the urge to do her ritual or cross the road to get away from the bin or wash hands for 10 minutes, resist the urge to wipe your clothes

reduce - reduce the time you spend washing your hands, reduce vocalisations about is x dirty and i touched y is x dirty

delay - delay washing hands when you and HAVEN'T touched anything, etc delay putting socks on 24h a day as you are afraid to step on something

these were some of her tasks/homework

she isn't cured, it's lifelong, and it comes and goes in waves, but we know not to pander and obey her irrational fears.

we show her what is good and what not. And many times she gets more colds and so on because she wears out her bloody immunity! some germs are good!

good luck OP

To people mentioning the possibility of a 'red pill' thing. No, he hates that kind of content and said he thinks it is stupid.

Of course it has nothing to do with that. He clearly has OCD.

I think people talking about 'red pill' and the manosphere are referring to the fact that he's being abusive to his mother. But if this is OCD he would be equally controlling of anyone cooking his food. In this case it just happens to be his mother.

It's a red herring.

This sounds like OCD OP and possibly ARFID. Has he seen the GP? Sometimes SSRIs can help with OCD and DBT often is effective for people with ADHD.

Is this information you've got from another thread?

Can you get some more acronyms in there next time?

As the parent of 2 AuDHD DC, one with considerable issues and OCD, I’d second this. Do not pander or negotiate in any way. The control/demands get worse and you do not prepare them for the outside world, shared living with others (uni or partners) and you make your life hell. If you give an inch, you’ve green-lighted them taking a mile. Be firm in your boundaries. The consistency is necessary as is teaching them that the world does not revolved around them. I made the mistake of negotiating/being conciliatory and would counsel against it as it starts with meals and progresses.

You say no now. Tell him he will not dictate to you in your house, and that if he has an issue he can cook his own food. But if he is being treated for ADHD (I assume he has to have annual assessments in order to maintain a shared care agreement and get meds from his GP) then you can insist that OCD/negative behaviours are discussed at his next assessment/review.

You don't think the way he is behaving is abuse? I might be extrapolating (because of my friend whom I mentioned before) but this level of controlling another person's behaviour would be called abuse if it was a partner doing it.

No, I think he is incredibly anxious due to OCD. I think he needs help, not accusations of being an abuser.

Sadly ND children’s behaviour is often abusive, but as parents we’re not allowed to describe it as such as we’re supposed to centre the child’s needs and sacrifice ourselves on the alter of motherhood… as the parent of an ND child, your needs, safety and MH are often considered inconsequential, on MN at least.

[Yep, I am a bit bitter…]

What parts here do you see as abuse? Can you quote them from the OP's posts?

He is a child and needs medical help. To be honest you should have addressed it with his GP way before now. Saying he won’t talk about OCD isn’t really good enough. Sort it out before he is an adult and you can’t do anything about it!!

And for those of us who speak English as a first language ?

Nothing...except the misogyny. And apostrophies because you are not qualified to diagnose someone you've never met with OCD or any other mental health issues based on a third party post on mumsnet. Even qualified experts wouldn't attempt to do that.

I am no expert but a lot of these are common acronyms especially if you frequent MN. Oops sorry there’s another acronym - I mean Mumsnet. Any acronym you don’t know can be easily googled.

So why do you think hes telling you not to talk to him and to cook his food for him?

No one was diagnosing him.. most people are mentioning that he is displaying symptoms of ocd that a professional should talk to him for. No one is telling her that he definitely does have it, we're just saying that it'd be dismissive and poor parenting (thankfully the poster is taking this seriously) to just call him misogynistic/ red pilled and berate him

Her son doesn’t want her to speak while she is cooking for him. It’s there in the title.

Clear enough? Insisting that she cannot speak is abusive. It’s what they are doing to women and girls in Afhganistan…

That's the thing. He's a child. He isn't her partner. It's not acceptable behaviour and it is so very frustrating from a parents side but he's not an abuser , he's a boy with likely some sort of mental health issue that has gone on too far. A professional should assess him even if hes not keen on it and as a parent its your responsibility to push for that. 100 % am empathetic for the poster though its incredibly difficult to deal with.

He can cook himself and he can clean it up.

I think he doesn't want the op to talk because he's worried about saliva accidentally getting in his food. Not because he doesn't want to hear women speak.

Yes, he must be indocrinated, first it was red pill ideology and now its the taliban.. why doesn't he end up with a referral to Prevent instead of camhs while we're at it? 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️