Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

If he is 15, I am not sure that the GP will discuss it with a parent or allow a parent to make an appointment. I am also not sure how you'd get a 15yo to go....

AuAdhd son. Frequently checks I haven’t “poisoned” his food.
sends me photos of food from school to check its safe. Terrified of getting food poisoning. I thought with the poisoning thing he had severe paranoia until I spoke to a friend also with 16 yo son (also ND) who asks her exactly the same thing.

I just stay very calm and factual and say no, it’s not poisoned, I work very hard to keep you safe.

most posters quite clearly don’t understand what it’s like parenting children with additional needs.

Is his ADHD medicated? Anxiety is usually a very strong component of ADHD that often resolves with medication. It made a huge difference to my DS to start meds. He needs to see whoever is medically overseeing his ADHD with a view to meds and therapy before this escalates further - his OCD is already having far too much impact.

Have a look on the OCD Action website, they also offer support for parents. Or OCD Uk, and/or Young Minds. Trouble with OCD is it's expensive to treat so CAMHS are always looking for a different diagnosis and as someone said upthread, the waiting list is ridiculous. You might be able to get something earlier through school? But keep and open mind and keep investigating this with your son. Get angry won't help and things could get a lot worse, quickly.

My DD's OCD became obvious just before she was 15, escalated very quickly and she spent 6+ years completely housebound. She had specialist treatment (which CAMHS fought tooth and nail to prevent) which is still going on today and she's 23 and at uni now. It's a lifelong illness. Course, he may not have that, but I honestly think OCD Action is your best bet now: get advice, looks for clues.

https://ocdaction.org.uk
https://www.ocduk.org
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-mental-health/

I quite shocked that people are assuming he's being difficult, selfish, etc., and needs to be told not to be so ridiculous. He has OCD, from the description. For DD3 it was sertraline that helped, although we had to go private because CAMHS would still be waiting now. GPs can't prescribe sertraline for 15 year olds without CAMHS approval, so it's a tricky age to get help.

This. I’m astounded so many people think he just needs a telling off. His behaviour shows clear signs of a mental health issue .
Please help him rather than feeling disgruntled at how this is making you feel!

If there was very limited food in the house what would happen? I'm old and have only ever cooked one meal at any time for everyone in the house. I don't have the money/luxury of being able to provide multiple meals at one time for various people. Surely OCD was around in the 50s/60s/70s/80s and no ordinary working person could afford this type of meal provision.

In my view One Meal that provides all the nutrition needed for health and everyone's tastes taken into consideration (not pandered to). To work FT and make multiple main meals is utter madness.

Unfortunately this is how these threads always go on here. Everyone just says they're being a nuisance and seems to think they are choosing to be difficult. Poor lad

And OCD is a genuinely medical condition, which that poster brought up as a possibility as well…

Like a pp said, it sounds like he's very anxious something will go wrong during cooking. Maybe contamination fear, or maybe he's worried you won't be paying attention.

Any recent food poisoning in the house? Is he phobic about being sick?

Right now he probably feels he can't relax or something will go wrong, and that it's all on him. He's probably exhausted by it all.

You understandably want him to just trust you, but he can't, because all he can see is danger.

What might help a little is saying something like: "This bit of meat's fine despite the fatty bit. I know this because I've seen hundreds of bits of meat and this is within normal range. What I'd reject would be ..." and then say what you'd reject. That last part can be crucial because it shows him there are things you would reject.

Keep it matter of fact. Give him the tools to decide for himself later, and for now to have more confidence in your decisions. Otherwise the anxious part of his brain will think "she's only saying it's fine to reassure me, she hasn't really taken seriously that there might be a risk". It could be helpful for him to witness a bit of your thinking, to learn why you think it's OK.

He'll still be anxious, as this does sound like OCD, but it might help a bit.

Never reassure him that anything will definitely be 100% fine or 100% clean, though. That kind of reassurance doesn't help. Part of recovery is accepting uncertainty and the aim is to be happy with good enough.

I’m distracted by PPs saying not to 🐼 panda to him.

OCD or not he can't be allowed to control others. You need to tell him that you will not be following "his rules" that others have rights and his needs/wants don't trump theirs. You need to make an appointment to see your GP with him as soon as possible.

I think, back in the day, parenting was stricter. I wouldn’t have dreamed of speaking to my parents like that. And yes, one meal was cooked for everyone, and if you didn’t like it, you went without.

Go on strike. From now on he gets to cook his own food and clear up afterwards. If he won't tidy up, confiscate his phone and switch off the wi-fi until he complies. Whether or not he has some condition making him like this is irrelevant. He does not get to be a dictator and order you about.

Ha, I could just imagine talking to my mum at that age... not. I know what the result would have been.

Don't pander. Yes, he may have OCD, but the more you give into it, the more it will cement it making it a lot lot harder to undo. And as for not being allowed to speak? Dinner would've come off the hob and straight in the bin and he can cook himself - until he realises that actually, he does need to entertain some sort of illness. Sorry OP, be very careful here. Get some help.

Servants get paid!
If this is new, OP, have you had any concerns in the past? Sounds like he either needs professional help for mental health, or is very rude to the point he probably needs therapy anyway.
Is it just you he does this for, or is he the same with his dad cooking? This is a very relevant point.

He needs boundaries, mental illness or not. He also won't entertain he has OCD.
So, the answer is what? Mum/whole family tip-toeing around him, not being allowed to speak until he says ok?

Sometimes a firm, guiding hand is needed - even if that means off to the GP with him to start the journey in getting help.

My friend's son (in his thirties) is exactly the same. He has autism and ADHD (and rampant OCD and anxiety but because he thinks his behaviour is perfectly normal he won't get help). She is bearing the brunt of his beyond ridiculous controlling behaviour.

But, to him, life is out of control. So he is controlling the little portion of it he perceives himself as having control over, and that is his mother. It is ruining her life.

So I would say that your son is doubling down on controlling what he can control, and he needs help while he is still young enough for you to put your foot down and make him a doctor's appointment. Because otherwise I've seen your future and it is horrible.

I am 70, I guess that counts as "back in the day?" My mother always managed to sort a meal from which all of us would eat something. We never ever went without and we weren't rich either. I guess it might have been that my dad was an orphan and knew what "eat it or go without" was really like, although my mother was also firmly in the making what the family will eat camp, as was her mother. I am not going into other family details but I have said on here many times about my inability to eat anything cabbagey.

Sorry but time to get a little cross!! From now on he can do the washing up so he knows it's clean. Then, he can cook for himself. Don't give messy stuff to cook though. Stick to pasta and a jar of something

I think I'd respond with "Shall I stop spitting in your food now as well?"

I can only imagine my mother's response to any of this shit.

“I’m not going to stay silent while I’m cooking so you’ll have to deal with it”.

Honestly, you’re the parent- don’t pander to him.

This sounds a bit like ARFID, which my son had (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). It's an eating disorder and "not pandering to it" will make him starve himself, not fix the problem.

I suggest you find a dietician that specialises in ARFID and book him in for a session to see. We did this and the dietician managed to basically cure my son over the course of about 6 months. He now cooks for himself, cleans up afterwards and eats a reasonably healthy diet.

But there are better ways of saying no, which are not deliberately inflammatory.

I would give him 2 choices go to the doctor for help or make his own food