Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

Nah i don't think 15 is old enough to be self motivated on this one. Especially as he has ADHD. He's a child. He needs his parents to get him appropriate professional help.

Isn't he 15?

Exactly this.

I I had tried such nonsense with my mother, she would not have tolerated any of it for one single second and I would have been a very hungry teenager for a very long tIme.

Thank you. I think she knows, deep down, that there are actions she could take. I tell her that I worry for her should she fall ill (she's in her seventies) as he wouldn't allow her to be ill as it would upset his world, and if confined to bed he wouldn't even bring her a drink of water. She recognises this but - I don't know, she seems to want someone to just 'take him away' without having any part to play in it.

So she is, ever so slightly, the architect of her own destruction. But I will tell her (again) that she needs to go to the GP in the first instance, and report that she can't cope.

Sertraline really helped my son with this stuff.

That made me smile as I thought the exact same thing when I read it. 😀

OP, i'm sorry. This sounds like a very difficult situation and I have no advice unfortunately. I don't like that your son told you not to speak and I hope he gets the help he needs.

Am not so sure about that anymore - did you see the OP's update about being in fear?
And the rages.

When I saw this thread title I thought to myself, is he 15 by any chance?

Haven't RTFT sorry but can imagine there will be panic and anxiety and so forth.

In my opinion (and experience), this will pass, and you would do better not to take it personally, and within reason, try to humour him.

They do grow up! Good luck OP

I think, back in the day, parenting was stricter.

@Aydel And as a result a lot of us have had to have therapy. This child plainly needs help and deserves to get it rather than be told to get his act together because it doesn’t suit the adults around him. He needs to be listened to and supported, as does the OP.

@Clubbiscuit Sertaline helped my son initially, he's on max dose now but seems to have plateaued..

Yes, and that is why i said the shouting etc is abuse. His delusional fears about contamination is a mental health issue

@whatsnewbuttercup Pandas have rights too! ;-)

I'd like to know where all the 'help' is for these kids..
Have any of you tried getting therapy lately?
I just go it alone now.

If he’s capable of washing up he’s capable of cooking? Am I missing something?

I was replying to @Vroomfondleswaistcoat about the woman SHE posted about.

How on earth is it not the problem of the OP if her 15 year old son who sounds mentally very unwell, refuses to see a doctor? It is absolutely her problem as she lives with him.

He's 15 and potentially has a serious illness. I'd get advice and quick

There isn’t any, is there? Only when you reach absolute crisis point will something [possibly] be offered. The system is so overstretched and under resourced that proactive, early and effective support is a pipe-dream. And the more willing and able parents are to shoulder the burden, the more capable they seem to be, the less inclined Social Services, CAMHS, Adult MH services etc are to put support in place.

The system is an emergency-only/crisis management one and, even then, does a poor job. Entire families are being failed.

Does he eat out of the home

As the parent of a teenager with OCD, you need to get him a diagnosis and any help you can. There are very clear links between autism/adhd and ocd.

it’s really hard but you the best advice I can give is to try and stay calm but not enable his OCD - EG if you agree to wash clean pans, that will reassure him that there is something wrong and will encourage the OCD.

you can’t really stop him cleaning pans that he is using, but when you are cooking - you need to be firm that he doesn’t dictate what you do.

GP’s don’t take OCD that seriously in my experience, but it is a complex and debilitating illness - you need to get him assessed asap.

This - great advice

Refusal seems to be a big feature with him. You are right, there is more than ADHD at play here. You need more professional advice than we can give.

Very true! 😀

Mental health services are at breaking point. GP is the first point of contact but if DS refuses the help offered what is she supposed to do ? She absolutely doesn’t have to put herself in a position of accepting his abuse. Because that’s what this is.

What happens when you don’t give in to his demands?