Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

At 15, he’s too old to be seeking medical help for unless he wants to engage. You can offer it but if he, likely, says ‘there’s nothing wrong with me’, there’s not much you can do.

in this situation, whilst being sympathetic to the fact he may well have whatever diagnosis - you can’t treat people like he treats you. Regardless of root.

he is old enough to clean for himself and cook for himself. I would be completely letting him get on with that.

Just missed the restricting eating part. Yes that's also concerning. Im unfamiliar with support for parents with adhd and their teens but If hes already diagnosed with that is it possible that seeing a professional for other reasons like this would be slightly faster or easier ?

You think he just going to get bored of a mental health condition and this will cure him of it?

Isn't this poster saying he EITHER has a medical condition that requires urgent help OR he is controlling and rude? She's not saying (I don't think) that the OCD has come from him watching manosphere red pill content.

I had OCD around food that was very similar - it was triggered by a fear of vomiting (a type of OCD called emetophobia). OCD is more common in autistic/ADHD individuals (I am autistic).
The best you can do to help him is to clearly and calmly state what is normal (e.g. this meat is fine as it in within it's use by date, I am not washing the pans again as they are clean). Be a 'broken record' - every time he makes these requests.
He will push back, try to insist, may get very cross and shout/swear (due to his anxiety) - if these things happen, point out that his response is not normal and is OCD-driven. Be calm but persist at pointing out that his responses are not a normal response. The more that you accommodate his (OCD-driven) demands. the more his OCD rituals/behaviours will increase. There is a great book about OCD and Autism by Amita Jassi which is very helpful.
He does not want to admit that he has OCD, as admitting to OCD means he may have to change his behaviour, which his OCD would find very frightening.
You can see the GP yourself to discuss his issues (as he may deny them/refuse to speak to GP), and then make an appointment for both of you so he has to discuss with a (pre-briefed) GP. I would insist on onwards referral to CAMHS (there will be a waitlist).
It's a hard road, but with prompt early action, and consistent responses from yourself (not enabling his OCD), he has the best chance of recovering from OCD, and this not controlling his adult life. I wish you well!

The issue you're going to face is CAMHS waiting lists even if he entertains the idea of OCD.

That means you're going to need a middle ground that isn't as simple as stop accomodating him, because that could quickly escalate to not eating at all or controlling other aspects of life.

Don't indulge his rituals by becoming part of them. If he wants a pan rewashed, then he does it. Don't reassure about dates on food, let him do it. If he doesn't want you to talk while cooking then he needs to leave the area or cook himself.

Also being a messy cook and being worried about contamination are mutually exclusive. The triggers can be irrational.

You can reassure him you've cooked for him this long and he's had no ill consequence of it, and refuse to become part of the ritual, but he does need support so your first point of call needs to be your GP, with or without him.

If he did this to another woman it would be considered abusive. You are doing him no favours facilitating his transformation into an abusive adult, regardless of mental health issues.

In the first instance I would speak to him calmly. Find out if he has any insight into the existence of an issue, any underlying fears and if he's prepared to seek help.

Now your boundaries. He doesn't leave the kitchen with his food until the kitchen is the way he would expect before you cook. He has that option.

Or he can accept your cooking but you're not prepared to have him in the kitchen while you're preparing food. Talk through any issues he has with your food hygiene and see if there are areas you can reassure him.

My 14 yr old has some of these behaviours, eg won’t trust bowls / plates are clean, restricted diet, frequent handwashing, uses a new tea towel every time to dry hands, asks us not to touch stuff if we’ve just eaten food with our hands, eg crisps. We gently push back on everything, so if he wants to rewash a bowl that’s fine but we don’t do it for him, he cooks alternative food himself, still has to help clear / clean the kitchen after dinner. He still has these behaviours but they have minimal impact on the rest of the family

Im actually glad it was an ocd thing as when reading the title alone i was sure it was a red pilled thing which is worse, harder to treat etc. op i think he desperately needs a gp appointment and referral for these issues

And clean up after. These are valuable life skills and can be framed positively. Adolescents also need to learn their actions/preferences have consequences, we can develop the skills to make those happy consequences rather than negative.

What's the relevance of not speaking? Is it because he think you will get bits of spit in the food?

Also - OCD, or whatever it ends up being, is not an excuse for being so rude to his mother

I myself shut my gob and don't talk and occasionally wear a mask (when I have a cold) when making salads and cutting cured meats because they won't be cooked. Pasta is a different matter - tell him you can spit in it and it will be OK as you will boil it.

Quite

get him a glass ninja crispy and tell him to cook his own food and keep it clean

If he doesn’t like how you cook or thinks things aren’t clean enough he needs to be catering for himself.
As if he’s dared to tell you not to speak while you cook for him - cheeky little sod. At that, I’d have binned the pasta and gone out for the rest of the day.

No but it'll remove OP's involvement so a win there

Hi @Thehabbsareintheho
Lots of advice here, 99% won't work!
My youngest has OCD (since Covid.) Wears nitrile gloves so he doesn't touch anything in the house that might contaminate him.
Lots of help via medical phone appointments, things might ease slightly but not for long. I've just incorporated his wants into my normal routine now, I find it's easier! He KNOWS rationally that he's not going to get some dread disease because I stroked the dog before reaching for biscuits, but it doesn't help him!
It saves time & effort just getting on with it, although I am pretty laid back, harder I guess if you're at screaming point.. hugs.

OCD means he has obsessions and compulsions. He's telling you his obsessions. Does he have compulsions? Have you actually sought a diagnosis or is this you guessing?

You can't simply bollock someone with OCD into not having obsessions, unfortunately. Can you seek advice as to how to handle it?

I think you need to get some professional help in here. To get a formal diagnosis (OCD, or maybe even something else) and to get some help with starting to ramp down these behaviors, whether with therapy or medication or something else. He is 15, he doesn't get to decide that a diagnosis or treatment isn't an option. You have a small window before he is old enough to refuse treatment, so I would say please, if at all possible, get him help now while you can.

Also, to some extent, I relate to him. I also hate the fatty bits on meat, think it looks and smells gross, and sometimes feel squeamish about "use by" dates. For reasons that are not relevant here, I have to eat meat for my nutrition, but I dislike it and would happily be vegetarian if I could. Any chance he could go vegetarian?

Do not ‘panda’ to him???

Yes, get help for him urgently. If you have an employee assistance program at work he can get free counselling and so can you, if he is a certain age. If that’s not available, try another avenue . Keep going. Get help for him today.

I’m not sure if removibg support from a child with a mental illness is a win.

Reading this book helped me a lot to understand my DPs OCD years ago: https://www.awesomebooks.com/book/9781447259374/the-man-who-couldnt-stop-ocd-and-the-true-story-of

Do you think your DS would read it?

You need to get him to talk to someone about it ASAP, and you’ll probably have to stop pandering to his requirements to do that. Tough love. I know it’s painful - I spent years “helping” DP with mindless checks and rituals because it was so hard to watch him spiral rather than stepping and confirming that yea, the key had been turned 3 times or whatever. But doing that made his OCD more entrenched and nearly destroyed our relationship.

For my DP, 6 months of citalopram gave him the mental space he needed to get therapy, CBT helped a little. I also had to set a clear boundary that I would not participate in his compulsions. Basically the same way you deal with a toddler tantrum. Then years of moral support and reassurance that he could overcome it by himself. He did, and now lives a normal life. Good luck to you and your son x

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My ASD ex was like this. Everything had to be sparkling before cooking, and in the end she wouldn't let me cook at all. I mean great? In a sense. But I love cooking, and it felt controlling. I am not the most fastidious person in the world hygiene-wise but at the same time nothing was dirty either!

I'd just tell him you cook how you like, and if he doesn't like it do it his bloody self.

Does he ever go to restaurants? Ask him how he can’t be are the chef’s said something. Joking aside you have my sympathy as my adult son has a problem with sell by dates and it’s awful. As your ds is the age he is, he may be more receptive to help. Good luck op.