Son doesn't want me to speak when cooking for him

[Thehabbsareintheho]

My son, age 15, seems to have developed OCD around food and hygiene, also fat bits on meat, use-by dates, the look of food (red meat going slightly brown with 2 days to use-by date), where it is stored, how it is covered, whether anything else in the fridge smells, etc and it is very frustrating. Things are clean and well managed. It isn't a dirty house.

He has ADHD and is a messy cooker himself, and leaves a huge mess, but wants me to cook for him most of the time. He also has restricted eating and won't eat most stuff. He's growing, so eats a huge amount.

Today (he's ill, off school), I was making him some pasta.
Although all pots, pans, utensils and plates are clean (literally shining), he has to wash them again before I use them and he will check everything.

My temper rose just now as I was chatting while cooking the pasta. He asked me to not speak while I'm cooking his food. Pasta in boiling water. I'm fed up of this as it makes me feel like an utter slave/servant.

Any advice? He won't entertain the idea of OCD.

This.

100% or it will escalate
( and I say this as someone with ADHD and ASD).

Is he worried you'll somehow contaminate his food while speaking (particles of spittle falling into the food)? Or is he thinking you'll be distracted and not cooking things 'properly' (safely) if you're talking?

I'd be making it clear that you won't be ordered around in your own home. He can prepare his own food or he can accept that you'll cook the way you see fit.

He probably does need some help, whether he wants it or not.

Obviously! I was being flippant.

I'd be making him cook and clear up after himself, however - ADHD or not.

I used to struggle with contamination OCD and this sounds very similar.
I know to the people around me it was probably anying and didn't always make sense but at the time it cause me a lot of stress and anxiety.
I would recommend having a conversation about it and looking for professional help.

I don’t have the time to read the whole thread but I do want to say something to reassure the op in case it hasn’t already been said.

I am sure there are responses on this thread diagnosing the absolute worst, the most extreme thing that could go wrong.

and it could happen.

but it also might not.

current teenagers have access to tik tok and if they go down the wrong lane, they are bombarded with ‘everything is dangerous.’ Couple that with anxiety and adhd and teenager.

I posted about a year ago about my dds eating. I had a lot of what I’m 100% sure were being lovely and kind and helpful and stressing I must get her help now. I panicked. Big argument with her.

it was just a phase, a need to try and be in control in a world where she isn’t. Also adhd. She’s fine now and has a brilliant diet. Well I’m not happy about the raw milk, but mostly.

my advice to you following my own dd, is read every single one of these posts, but think too and give yourself a few days to process. It’s so much more nuanced and strangers will just project to their own experience. You know your own son best.

Boys do not get to dictate when women can speak FFS, no matter their "mental health" issues, its not remotely weird to suggest hes been red pilled seeing as its misogynistic behavior, whether he intends for it to be or not.

He needs help op.

Though oddly I occasionally tell people not to talk to me when cooking. It feels like a peri concentration thing. Would definitely manage to chat while boiling pasta though!

Why the apostrophes? his behaviour is troublesome and comes across as very rude, im not denying that but theres absolutely nothing to indicate that hes red pilled. I watched adolescence with mine myself and its good to keep a look out when its relevent but some people are falling for fear mongering at this point..

Not to mention.. i know well that girls do the same things to their mums. And their fathers. Teenagers are rude. Its not acceptable but what shows that hes doing it because shes a woman?

The sufferer wants reassurance. You want them to be happy so you give it. But it doesn't actually make them happy, it feeds into the cycle.

Someone close to me went through this; they would be constantly asking for reassurance about threats and fears they were imagining. It developed so they started asking the same questions again and again. In the end we had to develop boundaries, like; you may not ask the same question more than once. You must consider the thing you are worried about for at least a minute before talking to others. You may not change the conversation if there is one happening, you must wait for it to finish.

Slowly we got there and they are long recovered.

Get him to specialust therapy.
Ask him what would help eg he can wear a face mask? He can cook for himself? He can eat a sandwich he makes for himself in kitchen alone? He is 15 you do not need to cook pasta for him he can do it

At some point he learned that you are the servant and he is the main character

Have you been a bit passive and wet with consequences with him? Where is his father? Is he just allowed to sit in his bedroom and do fuck all and play video games while everyone has waited on and catered to the young prince

And why hasn't he seen the GP? I'm fairly certain that this isn't the first time this is going on it's probably gone on for a while

It does sound like OCD, is he worried about spit going in the food as you talk?
There is no reasoning with OCD (my daughter has it). It’s a horrible, horrible mental illness that causes the sufferer huge distress and (speaking from experience) a LOT of frustration for family members.
OCD UK is really helpful: they have free course for parents snd support for suffers.
I also recommend the book Break free from OCD.
https://www.ocduk.org/product/break-free-from-ocd/

Agreed. They just need more and more reassurance and it becomes another compulsion.
My DD has improved massively with proper support from a psychologist.
Once we understood more about OCD (from reading the Break Free from OCD book) everything got easier. We understood what she was going through and how best to help her and cope with family life on a day to day basis.

Does he have a bad attitude to women in general?

OCD is not nonsense, I would make appointment with GP and ask for a referral.

My DD 16 has OCD and it doesn’t always manifest how people think it does.
It’s normally rooted in anxiety and needs careful support and guidance.
i would seek professional advice and be wary of coming down too hard until you know what you are dealing with.

The people who are advising it is nonsense and calling him rude and controlling are being dismissive and a bit ignorant. From what you have described there is clearly an issue around hyper hygiene,

The GP should point you in the right direction and maybe refer you to Cahms who really helped us manage the situation.

I don't care what label he may or may not have, I wouldn't be spoken to or treated like this is my home.

Not saying this is the case with your son but my older brother developed and ED at this age and it manifested in a similar way. It seemed like he was just being a total control freak at first but it was actually a way of restricting his food intake. He’s fine now, he is very healthy and normal about food, but it’s worth looking into EDs and how they can interact with things like ASD, generalised anxiety and OCD.

You are making accommodations to avoid meltdowns. The problem is the accommodations have made life difficult very for you.

You have to slowly get him used to normal kitchen noises, You can’t accommodate him any longer. If the noise still proves too much, then he will have to remove himself or prepare food himself.

This is shocking advice.

This sounds like OCD. Unfortunately a key part of OCD is not initially recognizing the OCD. It is a mental health condition that needs taking seriously and needs treatment. It spirals and is debilitating.

You need to be the compassionate adult here and help him.

It's not shocking advice.
To do everything the young lad wants actually cements that what he is asking for is normal. It's not.

I do agree though he needs proper help, mum too. She will have a fight on her hands though as he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Have a look at some of he common approaches to dealing with OCD in children. Key to this is not ‘feeding the monster’. The more you enable his behaviours the more reassurance he will need which becomes a vicious cycle. Try to separate him from the behaviours, it can help to think about this as a bad habit his brain has got into and you will both, together, work on breaking g the habit. The more you reinforce the comfort seeking behaviour, the stronger the OCD gets.

So many replies, thank you, haven't got around to reading most of them yet.

Why doesn't he want me to speak while cooking? Because bits of saliva might get in the pasta I'm cooking for him.

Tell him to go away if he doesn't want to hear you, sing a happy song and carry on. Put the tv on and listen to that, are you meant to work in silence? I guess he doesn't own the house, so tell him so.

If he has to continue being rude I would insist he leaves the room whilst you cook.

And yes, he needs to see a doc if the OCD traits continue