Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

I think on a good day I’d agree with you and on a bad day I’d say ‘not my problem’.

Are you happy for your children to know that this child comes before them?

Can you compromise? Side with your husband about the party but not the family meal.

Your nephews behaviour is terrible, but he's family too. I'm not a child development specialist, but I'd bet good money that your nephew behaves well for you in one-to-one situations because he trusts that you love him. If you're the only person he's like that with I think it's important that you continue to have a close relationship with him. But not at the expense of your own children.

As an aside, if my DSis and BIL wanted a birthday meal for one nephew but deliberately excluded a different nephew I'd refuse to attend. All my nieces and nephews are equally loved by me and I would not be okay with one of them being excluded from a family celebration.

Although your nephew clearly has difficulties, you shouldn't allow them to put the safety of your DC at risk, which happens when he is around them. I agree with your DH on this specific issue but wonder if you can spend sometime with him elsewhere so you still have a relationship with him.

I also think his parents need to do more to support him and if they cant, are you able to contact the social worker and inform them of whats going on as they may not know & may be able to provide mkre support to everyone?

I’m with your husband to be honest. I mean I feel sorry for your nephew but your dh is right that your kids are his priority (and your home) and he wants to protect them. Does the nephew behave like this at his home? Does your brother and SIL not want the behaviour to stop? What’s he like at school?

would your dh agree to him having your two children for the odd morning so you can take your nephew out for some 1-1 time? Which it sounds like he needs.

I have to be honest. I am with your husband. I wouldn’t have a child in my house or at events that caused damage, even if it’s just to food and harmed my own children.

You’re being so completely out of order to your own kids.

It’s their birthday, they shouldn’t have to share it with someone who you’ve previously let trash their belongings.

You’ve shown an inability to manage his behaviour and your kids have had to suffer. Now, to make a point about inclusivity, you’re prepared to ruin their celebration.

If this isn’t a reverse you need to have a word with yourself about your priorities.

I'm on your husband's side. I'm sorry your nephew behaves like that, but I wouldn't want him in my home or around my children. He's just too much and your first duty is to protect your own children - and those of the friends who are coming.

Does he have any kind of diagnosis? Or is it just that there are no sanctions for behaving so badly? This isn't 'challenging'. This is not normal for most 8 year olds.

“Anyway after one particular day where my nephew, destroys a lot of food in our fridge, walked all over the house in dirty shoes, jumped all over the beds with those same shoes on despite being told it would break the beds, pushed my son over almost knocking him down the stairs, dropped food all around the house and broke my sons toys, pulled my sons hair and screamed constantly. My Husband says he's protecting our children and he's not staying again or being around them.”

^I am with your husband. I wouldn’t have this child anywhere near my children or my home.

Sorry I’d have to side with husband here as you’ll have more children there not family and that could cause real problems if he runs around attacking other peoples kids!

But the meal yeah I don’t get that! And no offence but I don’t know why your brother and his partner keep procreating clearly they are not cut out to be parents!

But he’s trashing their stuff?

Even if you disagree it’s your dh’s home as well and I do think he has the right to say he doesn’t want a particular person there. He’s not stopping you seeing him. My dh banned my mum from our home and to be honest I don’t blame him.

Breaking their toys and trying to damage their furniture is fine though?

So the level of harm he is causing your kids and distress is fine. But beating them, wouldn’t be.

When does it go from ‘acceptable violence’ to ‘unacceptable violence’. What’s the one thing that would tip it that way?

Then you see him by yourself. You don’t inflict his damaging behaviour on your children. They’re not support humans.

I’m with your husband on this one, it’s a very sad situation though.

My brother and his wife are understanding and seem passive towards my nephew. They have said they don't like him either and hes 'annoying' so they can understand and try and avoid him themselves now.

I'm amazed nobody has picked this up. This is the child's parents. I think you need to contact social services as a matter of urgency and talk to them about this. That poor child.

It's very sad but I doubt SS would be interested. The level of neglect that triggers support is staggering.

Is this a reverse? I agree with your husband. It's bad enough you put this child before your own children but doing it on their birthday is really crap.