Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

a bonus treat for them and something the nephew can participate in and enjoy

are we sure time with the cousin who pushes them, pulls their hair and breaks their stuff is what they’d consider a ‘bonus treat’?

It doesn’t sound like their mother is as interested in how they feel about time with their cousin as she is about ‘including’ him.

I think it’s really crap of you to put your own kids at risk like that. I would be hounding social work to better manage your inadequate brother and his wife but I certainly wouldn’t risk my own children’s safety.

Also, the husband feels that the OP’s nephew is a danger to his sons.

Husband says he's protecting our children and he's not staying again or being around them.

He doesn’t want their violent cousin around them any longer.

Thing are clearly very bad. And the OP’s children are people with needs and feelings rather than props in the rescuing her nephew story.

Whilst I completely understand why you don’t want him anywhere near your children. I do feel sorry for this lad who is quite clearly crying out for attention

Why on earth are his parents pregnant with another child when they have no interest in the one they have.

Could you suggest that they get him tested for ADHD. (You could dangle the carrot that if he is found to be ND then apart from meds to calm him down and to stop him being “so annoying” they could claim DLA for him. Maybe money will motivate them to do something for him)

What are there issues with mental health If their Ds is found to be ND then one or likely both of them will get the same diagnosis.

Haven’t RTFT. He clearly can’t come to the joint birthday party as children could potentially be hurt.

Re. The family meal. Is there any possibility that a family member or two could be assigned to look after him and give him 1-to-1 attention? It sounds as if he’s OK when an adult is directly interacting with him-are there any games or activities he particularly likes?

I agree with your DH that your own children’s’ safety needs to come first, but I completely understand your sympathy towards your DN. He’s not being parented properly nor given the support he needs, and probably gets easily overwhelmed. Poor child. ☹️

Im with your DH tbh. The only thing I'd put my foot down about is family events, but the rest, he's right.

I think if I was you I'd be putting my kids before my nephew

You have a cheek criticising your DB & SIL’s parenting when YOU are failing your own children by not protecting them! Your children are being physically hurt & having their belongings destroyed in their own home - the place they should feel the safest - and you are actively allowing it. As their mother, you should be protecting them from harm but instead you are deliberately exposing them to it. Your DN pushed your DS & he “almost” fell down the stairs, what exactly are you waiting for before you put your children first? For your DN to actually push them down the stairs? Broken bones? Drawing blood?

Absolutely carry on seeing your DN 1-1 as that’s what seems to be of most benefit to him but exposing your own children to harm like this is quite frankly unforgivable. If you carry on like this, your children are going to remember that you put your DN first over them & it will your destroy your relationship.

Absolutely this.

Also, autistic children can sometimes misbehave - for reasons completely unrelated to autism. In the same way that any child can.

So the question is - what's going on with this child's behaviour? Is it emotional dysregulation due to his autism and inability to communicate in that moment, or is he displaying disruptive behaviour due to trauma and/or poor parenting? Or is he just desperate for attention of any kind?

Either way, you don't invite him to the party. It's not fair on the other children, especially those whose birthday it is.

However OP, your mention of "he's fine with me" feels a bit like a stealth boast, or a dismissal of his needs. If he's autistic, then you just haven't been in a 1:1 situation where he's overstimulated. It's much easier to manage an autistic child's needs when you're 1:1 and you can often prevent things getting to the point where they have a meltdown. But you can't magic autism and learning difficulties away, even if you're an excellent caregiver.

My point of this OP is that I think 1:1 time with you would be really helpful for this child, but please be prepared for the fact that he might not always display model behaviour. There may be times when he can't cope or suffers from sensory overload. How will you feel about him if this happens? He needs someone who's not going to give up on him when things go tits up, and if you don't think you'll be able to cope, then it's fine to step away now.

The world is really tough for autistic folk and generally people aren't great at making space for individuals who are different in some way. Growing up is hard at the best of times, but when you're neurodivergent, it can feel like a fucking mountain. And throw in parents who describe their child as "annoying" then the poor kid hasn't got anyone who's helping them learn how to navigate the world and develop appropriate coping skills.

As a general rule, I think it's helpful for parents to teach their children that some others may act differently. But I don't think this extends to allowing their birthday celebrations - or other occasions - to be dominated by a child who has much more challenging needs. Everyone needs the space to relax and enjoy themselves, and that includes your DC.

Your DH has understandably said your house is now out of bounds. Only you and your DH can decide whether you could take your nephew to the park (or somewhere else) with your DC sometimes, or whether you could set up some regular 1:1 time with him. There's no right or wrong answer here - but you do need to be guided by how your own DC feel and make sure that you're not prioritising your nephew over them.

For info - I'm autistic/ADHD and I have two autistic DC, one with quite significant needs.

Sorry OP but you need to rethink. It may be your nephew who has the behavioural problems now, but if you're not careful in a few years time it might be your own DCs. What are you teaching them? That it's OK to damage furniture and toys, to spoil the food, to pull hair and push - and there are no consequences. In fact the behaviour is rewarded with 1-1 time.

I feel incredibly sorry for your nephew as I'm sure we all do, but you can't let your own DCs be collateral damage in your determination to be his rescuer.

You are rather judgemental about your brother and SIL. Do you feel their difficulties are less valid because they are mental health related? I notice how you are fine with criticising their parenting (or lack of) yet you dismiss your own decisions which are causing harm to your own children. You are allowing your children to be put in danger, you are facilitating them getting hurt, you are allowing your children's possessions to be destroyed, you are enabling all this. and still wanting to put the needs of this other child before your own. At least your brother and SIL have a reason for why they're not doing too great. What's your excuse?

I'm with your DH on this. Regardless of what issues the nephew has, he's abusive towards your children.

See him 1-1 occasionally but keep him away from your home and children.

Gift your brother a vasectomy for Christmas.

Ok it's your kids birthday party, they get to decide who cones. But a separate family dinner/tea "party" could also be done where he can enjoy himself - not at home. What about a family birthday picnic at a park where he can run around and play, and there's cake and candles too?

You need to prioritise the birthday children for their main party, that's only fair. If nephew is upset by not coming to main party (does he need to know?) then tell him you all have a special one with him because the big party is classmates only (or whatever) but you still wanted a party with him. And that way it's out of your house, there's a party, he's made to be special as well and well, it's a decent compromise.

It's heartbreaking though hearing about his life. Totally heartbreaking. That doesn't mean your children have to have something special ruined either by his actions, or fear of his actions.

Clearly being around everyone is a trigger or overstimulating for yoru nephew. Not only is not fair to your children and Dh to have their days and house ruined, it is also putting your nephew in a situaion where he is in distress and in a state of emotional and behavioural dysregulation. It isn't benefiting anyone. Your nephew isn't enjoying it either. You have said a few times that he does well in 1:1 with you. Then that is what you prioritize. Creating space and an environment where he feels safe and calm and can interact in a way where he also feels in control of himself. So no to the birthday and meal but instead you take him out more often. Sure it is a little time away from your own kids but that is a sacrifice worth making.

He's violently assaulting your children. Why are you waiting for his fists to get balled & thrown before it's "enough"? Do you not think him trying to shove your son down the stairs is worse than a punch? If he'd been successful your son could easily have broken his neck & been paralysed or killed.

"pushed my son over almost knocking him down the stairs, broke my sons toys, pulled my sons hair and screamed constantly."

Definitely siding with your husband here & wondering why on earth you don't care about your children's safety & wellbeing.

I was in your husband's shoes. My daughter pleaded to not have said nephew at her party. Yes 99% of his problem is his mother. He has been banned from numerous places. The family fallout was huge. I have no regrets. I only wish I'd done it sooner

@BadNomadAs one of their children has already been taken into care, her BIL and SIL clearly don’t parent particularly well, do they?

Did I say they did?

Definitely siding with your husband here & wondering why on earth you don't care about your children's safety & wellbeing.

I suspect this thread has not gone how the OP imagined it would.

She was probably expecting wall to wall congratulation for her being the saviour aunt and condemnation of her husband for not centring her need to feel like his rescuer.

Yet, many of us are trying to figure out why she’s quite happy to have her children hurt, their stuff broken and their weekend ruined by their cousin.

I'm another one who agrees with your DH.

As sad as your nephews' situation is, your children need to feel safe in their own homes. You should continue to see your nephew 1-1 if you can, though.

Sorry but I agree with your husband. Your children should be your priority, your nephew is violent towards them. You're not showing yourself to be that great a parent if you're happy for your nephew to come around and be violent towards your kids. At least your husband is thinking of them.

No, but you seem to be suggesting that the OP is being overly critical of them, when their parenting must be pretty poor, tbh. MH difficulties aren’t an excuse for child neglect and things must’ve been bad for their eldest child to be taken into care.

The OP’s parenting can’t be compared to theirs!

I am thinking that a party is actually going to be a very challenging place for this young person to be.
Lots of children with ASC find the unpredictability of the party too challenging. It can take some skilled parenting and preparation to help them navigate that space and it doesn't sound like he is going to get that.
Add in the attention seeking behaviour which sounds like very much attachment issues to me and you are on a hiding to nothing. He needs 1to 1 adult attention to regulate and you can't provide that when you are focusing on your own children and guests. His parents won't.
It may seem like it is cruel but unless someone takes direct responsibility for preparing and supporting him he will really struggle.

Is pushing them over and pulling their hair not enough? Your poor kids, their home is supposed to be their safe space. I agree with your DH.

Take your nephew out 1:2:1

I didn't suggest that at all. I'm saying it's odd to be judgemental about other people's parenting when your own is causing your children to get hurt. Just because your parenting isn't as bad as someone else's doesn't mean your parenting is good.