Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

Is it a blanket ban though? Sounds more like your children's father is saying he doesn't want the boys' birthdays dominated by your nephews behaviour. I think that's perfectly reasonable.
Its great youre doing your bit to help this boy but you cannot save everyone. Just be satisfied that you are adding value to his life and do your bit when you can....just not at the expense of your own family.

I agree with your husband - your children have to come first. Not being invited is also a serious consequence which could be for the best of it makes your nephew think about his actions. If I was you OP I would try to take your nephew out on his own regularly and explain why he can't come to events. Hopefully he'll want to come in the future and maybe in 4-5 months you can try to invite him to something again and see if he's improved.

I’m totally with your husband as well. If you want to be the supportive adult in his life then that’s up to you, but it’s unfair to expect your husband and children to tolerate his behaviour in their own home.

poor kid it should be harder to have a child-i mean get a child taken away and just go on to have more

This is really sad. I feel for your kids, can see your husband’s frustration but your nephew has needs, as ‘annoying’ as he is to his parents and others. And I feel so many replies have glossed over the fact this is a child with a sibling in care even! Homelife clearly isn’t great for the poor kid.

Personally, in our immediate family, we keep tea parties really small and only invite close family and friends of the same age, not even older cousins who would have no interest in attending a toddler’s party for instance. More like a play date with a bit of cake. (Sorry if I missed where you shared your kids’ ages.) Or take them to do something nice to celebrate like a farm and special lunch out - or whatever they are interested in for their age. I’d probably get around the party situation that way. Some will say that that’s not okay but I don’t think kids miss out by not having a proper or big party.

But I don’t think he should be excluded from a family meal. I’m surprised by the replies suggesting he should be. But again, I wouldn’t have a family meal for the birthday of young children either… But if that’s what your family do, he should be part of it.

I agree with spending 1:1 time with him. It sounds like he has one of his best relationships with you - no doubt as he feels loved and safe because of your boundaries.

I have an autistic ds.

If your nephew is behaving the way he is at your house it's because he's dysregulated and unhappy. Doesn't sound like he'd enjoy a party either. Inclusion for the sake of an invite isn't inclusion if it's purely having someone along who doesn't actually enjoy the event and doesn't get included whilst there.

My suggestion would be another activity for your nephew to celebrate your ds birthdays with you, DH and your boys. Something he likes like swimming where you can give him 1:1 attention, your DH can watch your boys and it's an activity he likes, can join in well with and feel included and also where you can provide him the level of attention and supervision he requires to join in.

I imagine….
…when 1-1 he behaves well as his needs are being met.

Behaviour is communication, he doesn’t know how to express how he is feeling.

He doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions.

Negative attention is better than no attention in his eyes.

Bless his cotton socks, if intervention is not put in place soon, this behaviour will only escalate in his teenage years.

Your husband is trying to safeguard his children. You need to recognise this and support him.

Continue to see your nephew 1:1 but, unless you can be sure that he won’t physically attack your children and break things, keep that separate from your children.

As terrible as it is for your nephew, your children need to be your priority here.

It's nice that you want to be around him, but why should your kids have to be?

Your husband is doing a very brave thing. Take your nephew out on your own.

Why not have a separate unbirthday party for him then so your children can relax and enjoy their birthday?

This is so difficult because you have to feel strongly for a child with clear issues who gets no guidance from his parents. Them saying he's annoying etc must be so hurtful for him. Even if he hasn't heard them say it, it sounds like the message is pretty clear. It's also telling that with 1-1 intervention he is well behaved and, again, disgusting that his parents must know that but still choose to ignore him.

That said, it IS the main priority/duty of you and your DH to protect your own children. The message to your kids when your nephew is allowed to run around their home doing things they would be punished for AND hurting them is damaging. Yes, he's your nephew and hence you feel like you have some responsibility to both him and his parents BUT your home is equally the home of your DH and kids and he's well within his rights to not allow the child in the house anymore and to distance his kids from the chaos/harm.

It sounds like your nephew doesn't enjoy these gatherings, anyway. Maybe have the party/meal without him so that there is no chance of birthdays being ruined and plan a 1-1 day out with your nephew later?

For what it's worth, I agree that SS probably wouldn't get involved as the child is fed, clothed etc but some intervention is absolutely needed.

My very “inclusive” and stupid to a point mother, was always taking this approach: They are visits, they have problems, you shut up, share your toys, let them hurt you, destroy your stuff, walk all over you and shut up because they are the guests and they don’t now better.

The thing is that her generous inclusivity didn’t help them at all, it just reassured them that they wreck the house and hit us with NOBODY telling ever them off. They were nice to my mother, at the end of the day she was the enabler who was providing the privileges BUT it really screwed my siblings and I up in many ways for our future lives. What my mother thought us with her behaviour was that we had no rights, including the right to set boundaries or to demand respect.

You are failing your children to protect your nephew, while enabling your nephew to become even worse. I agree with whoever said above that if you want to support this kid, for the sake of your children, you see him on your own somewhere else OR start protecting your kids and dealing with the horrible behaviour.

My parents allowed me to be hurt by a child in our family which they thought was fine because he had SEN and was challenging.

I consider their lack of protection of me as a child abusive.

You need to guarantee that your children (no other children) are pushed, have their hair pulled, are in any danger of physical abuse whatsoever. Only then should you insist he is invited to events. Of course, 1:1 should be a priority.

Your son was almost knocked down the stairs, and this child pushes and smacks a younger child and pulls hair. He is at that level! This is violent behaviour. SO sorry but I am with your husband on this one. Your own childrens lives should not be made miserable or their time spolied by a child who, whether intentionally or not, is violent and needs to be the centre of everyone's attention.

Not everyone has to be included in everything and if that's how your nephew behaves (the backstory and other issues can be an explanation but not an excuse), then that's just how it is.

Put your children first for fucks sake.

You must protect your children - your husband is right. I'd be trying my absolute hardest to make 1:1 time for your nephew though and to continue reporting concerns. Are his grandparents there for him from either side? Or other aunts or uncles?

Ask your children if they want your nephew at their party - then abide by their decision. I'm at a loss why you don't seem to feel protective towards your own two.

OP your replies are off somehow. Yes of course all autistic children aren’t the same!

I really think you should focus on the wider issues here instead of going on about a single party. It’s ok if he doesn’t come. And he needs you in his life 1:1, which you can’t do if you’re at your own child’s party.

I think you’re going to need to admit that you are getting something out of being the only person your nephew will behave acceptably with (so long as it’s 1:1) and feeling like you’re his champion ‘including’ and trying to ‘save’ him.

But you do need to put your children first. They WILL grow up and remember that you put ‘including’ the cousin who hurt them and broke their stuff before them, even letting him ruin their birthday celebrations. It will affect their relationship with you long term.

Their dad has had enough of them being in this situation. He has a right to keep your nephew away from them. That’s focusing on his children’s needs and putting them first. It’s not ‘excluding’ your nephew.

Your husband is right. You are responsible for your children’s environment and being forced to cope with that sort of behavior, when it can be easily avoided, is unfair to them.

Also, do these people not know how to use birth control ???

I'm with your husband he doesn't deserve to be included behaving like that. Would you invite your child's bully to they're party?

SpecialPatrolGroupp · Today 13:11

Your nephew is traumatised. Growing up with severe neglect is traumatising. Far better to call this "distressed behaviour" than challenging behaviour, it helps to view it through the right lens. He cannot cope sharing food or attention, it is too threatening to him on a sensory level, not necessarily conscious. So the party is a bad idea. Far better to spend any 1:1 time with him that you can, it all helps. When he has these moments of emotional safety he is building connections in his pre frontal cortex that help with emotional regulation. Don't set him up to fail by putting him in situations he can't cope with where his resulting distressed behaviour will alienate more people and increase his shame.

This is such good advice.

You also really need to question why you are allowing your own children to witness these behaviours, nearly get pushed down the stairs, have their toys broken etc. Is it virtue signalling? Are you putting your needs above your children's? Can you actually not see how damaging it is? I say this as someone who has a DC with some of the challenges your DN has. Your first job is to take care of your children.

You can of course learn more about ASD and find ways to help your DN which aren't at the expense of your children and don't actually increase your DN's challenges.

Bully????? Deserve???? Is there something wrong with you?