Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

Loads of people have said she can see him 1:1.

Just not sacrifice her DC for his wellbeing.

I think ‘sacrifice’ is unnecessarily dramatic language. Integration into some sort of healthy family life could be a really useful goal for DN. It probably needs to be done a bit more slowly with a bit more building up than OP is managing right now. But ultimately he will need tools to be able to cope with more than one person in a room at a time. Unless we’re certain that will always be impossible??

Should any body ever sacrifice anything for the well being of another?

Sounds like DN’s parents are doing an excellent job of not sacrificing anything for DN’s wellbeing.

All of that is about DN, though. None of it addresses whether it's fair to her DC to expose them to his behaviour. You're only thinking of him.

@MrsLilaAmes - if you consider ‘sacrifice’ to be unnecessarily dramatic language, how about this - is it right for @einter to put her own children’s safety and well-being at risk, in order to help her nephew?

He has already hurt her children - and as has been said already on this thread, if he had managed to push the OP’s son down the stairs, he could have been very seriously hurt - this time he was lucky, the next time, he might not be. The boy has already trashed the OP’s children’s belongings and home - would you expect them to feel happy, relaxed or safe with this boy in their home? I wouldn’t.

I think your husband is reasonable to be thinking about what is best for your own children given your nephew's behaviour.

Whilst you can be supportive as a family member, your brother and his wife need to parent their son. I would say it probably isn't a good idea to have him around without them there to do that at the very least.

Unfortunately these things are awkward, especially so because it is family but you, as a parent, have to advocate for your children first if they are being negatively impacted.

I had an issue with one of my friend's children when they were much younger with very disruptive behaviour that included violence towards one of my children. I was very clear with my friend that it was not acceptable and that unless that child's behaviour substantially improved I was not able to have them in my home. It put the friendship under strain (and I suspect may have ended it in other circumstances), but I maintain that it was a bit of a wake up call for her that her child's behaviour was more serious than she was letting herself believe. She did take action and that child's behaviour is now much better. I will never regret taking that stance.

But is the OP unintentionally sacrificing her own children in order to ensure her nephew isn’t left out?

no family dynamic should be all about one family member. That’s not healthy for anyone.

IMO there's no way you're going to help your DN while he's going home to his parents.

They don't seem to be bothered with being parents to him and unfortunately this is why there are children out there that behave as your DN does.

On the flip side parents like these seem to play on the fact others will feel sorry for the children and watch quite happliy as they do the parenting for them, it's a vicious circle but seems to work for some shite parents.

The child who was pushed and had their hair pulled may well look back on this as sacrifice.

Integration may be a goal but what this child actually appears to need at this point is OP's solo love and care, not to be allowed to hurt other children.

Your DC need to feel safe in their own and you need to place their needs first.

In their own home

It's good that you want to help him, it sounds like his parents are neglectful and should not have kids at all. However, your kids and DH also have a right to a safe home and enjoyable experiences. Why should they have to put up with being hurt and having their home trashed? He's being violent and destructive already and you do not seem to register that as serious.

Also why has it been allowed to get to that stage? You have mentioned he behaves for you so why were you not watching him closely enough so he could not do some of those things? Or at least put measures in place to try and avoid them? It sounds like you want to include him but do not do the necessary things to try and make your immediate family safer. Also are a party and dinner out even the right environment for him? Sounds stressful for him but dangerous for everyone else.

It is really good that you want to help him but it seems to be at the expense of your kids and husband. And also not done with due care. Why does he have to be at the party or dinner? How come the kids cannot have a stress free party and good time? Do something else for him another day. I feel bad for the kid and he needs proper
support and supervision. Your husband is in the right here.

While I have every sympathy for your nephew and how you feel you need to support him, I’m with your husband on this.

You’ve said a few times you think your nephew will be fine at the party, but how would your own children be/feeling, based on their own recent experiences of his behaviour? Surely they have a right to fully enjoy their own party without worrying what he might do? Same goes for being in their own home.

‘Should’ doesn’t come into it - it has to the choice of the individual. If OP wants to sacrifice her own time and efforts to help her nephew then that’s up to her, but she doesn’t get to demand her husband does the same. It’s also wrong for her to decide on behalf of her children that it’s acceptable to put them in harms way. At least their father is prioritising them.

Sorry, I agree with your husband. If you can offer one to one time with your nephew from time to time, then I would still do it as he seems to benefit most from this.