Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

Is it only your nephew within your family who has additional needs of some kind? You seem to be well trained as a support human for other people, putting your own children's needs below those of other people. Is this a pattern from childhood perhaps?

Personally I would be staying well away from the whole family, although obviously that is sad for the children. You can't save people all the time. Your husband probably has better boundaries if you were brought up to run round after other dysfunctional people.

Your husband is quite right. I wouldn't want someone in my house trashing my possessions and spoiling my own child's birthday. His parents need to stop having babies and parent the ones they have!

Are your brother and SIL invited to the family meal and your DH still wants to exclude DN? That’s unacceptable. Better invite them all or none at all.

As DN responds to you, could you spend more 1 to 1 time with him, with DH taking care of your kids?

I can see why DH is annoyed, we had a family party yesterday and some of the kids were really annoying. I couldn’t wait for them to leave. But my nieces and nephews are an exception, they are great kids and I love them. Your DH may not have the same attachment that you have with DN.

I'd have 2 separate parties. One for your boys and their friends and another for family party. That way the boys will be able to enjoy their party and nephew will also be included. A party doesn't have to be expensive. Kids don't need bells and whistles. They just want balloons and cake.

Also what if he hurt one of your DC friends? How will you explain that to their parents?

No to the party and maybe to the meal - depends where, who'll be there, whether your sons want him there etc.

So he can control his behaviour but currently only 1-1 with you, and probably at a party.
Let your own DC have the party their father is arranging for them.
And work on his behaviour with your DN 1-1, maybe next year you can be more sure of his control of his behaviour?

I know a child who is a bit likely this, he's the product of an alcoholic, mentally ill mother who only had him to trap the dad and a father who really couldn't care less unless its his access day and even then just throws money at the child rather than live and attention! We have all tried to be patient and understanding but its now got to the point that no one wants him around because he is so horrendous to be around! Im afraid i agree with your husband here.

Have you contacted SS yourself, to report your Brother and his wife, or are you relying on others telling you that SS are involved? As for your children, I agree with your husband. It's not just the physical side of your nephews actions but please think about the mental/psychological impact on your kids. It must be difficult, scary and traumatic to be subjected to this in their own home. A child who pulls hair, breaks their toys, screams constantly, doesn't listen or obey the adults in the home - the reasons why he behaves as he does really won't matter to them, from their POV, it must be scary and unsettling. Your nephew is a child and a victim of his parents actions, but your children do not need to be as well.

I would also say that considering the way his parents are what has been diagnosed as ASD could very well be Attachment Disorder instead.

Think OP, if your husband kept wanting to invite someone around who pulled your children’s hair and pushed them over? And I can’t believe your kids are not upset about this

I agree with your husband, as a mother your priority has to be your children. If they enjoy spending time with cousin would there be another ‘safer’ option- eg take them to a park ( opposing to setting your nephew up to fail and for the relationship between cousins be harmed due to understandable resentment from your children )
I do agree with your sentiment. He is family - you cannot stop supporting him as an innocent child.
I would support @FofB suggestion of you trying to provide him with one to one time. This would be invaluable- knowing you care and want to spend time with him is so important and something a professional can not replicate. Even if it’s fortnightly? Monthly ?
I would also suggest that it’s not that social services are ‘not interested’ but rather the threshold and evidence needed to demonstrate emotional abuse/ insufficient parenting ( not physical neglect ) is so high and difficult to prove.
Social workers could educate the parents but unless they have a willingness to love the child or put in place change, what are chances they would engage in services.

What did you do when he behaved like this in your house? He’s 8, I would have lifted him and locked him outside while I spoke to him and spent some time with him in the garden. Keep him away from your children. Children only behave like this because they’re hurt and they want to hurt everyone else . You can’t let him touch your children or wreck your house and need to physically intervene if he tries to.
This poor child needs counselling and to be parented properly. He will end up in some juvenile centre if he doesn’t get the help he needs.

I have a nephew who was diagnosed as a young child with autism and factor X.
I completely banned him from my home under any circumstances when he was five due to his violence and wrecking it.
I'm on your husband's side with this.
Your own kids come first.

Enjoy his mother to get sterilised after the next baby is born.

When your nephew is with you 1-1 his needs are being met, everywhere is is failing to meet his needs.

Does he have an EHCP?

Your priority should be your children, I am entirely with your husband. I would not put up with someone harassing my children in their own home (or anywhere).

You should compromise: don't ruin your child's party. If you can, have your nephew another day elsewhere (if he likes party, what about soft plays kind of thing, or some outdoor quiet place)
and put strict boundaries if he's in your home. Mistreating your child will not be tolerated, child's bedroom locked and out of bound to save his toys.

It's difficult, but your own child should feel safe in his own home, not being bullied by a cousin.

• encourage

This ^

I agree with your husband. You should be protecting your own children. Their child isn’t going to come to harm because they weren’t invited to a party.

How sad that his parents are so wrapped up in their mh issues that they are saying they don't even like him. His issues aren't going to do anything but get more extreme. I can see that your husband wants to give your sons a fun party fine for friends but to start excluding a single family member from events will just reinforce the rejection he's feeling from his parents.

I am with your husband. I feel sorry for this kid but him being included shouldn’t come at the expense of your kids. His parents are a fucking disgrace.

*excluding him from family events will reinforce his parents rejection of him I mean to say.

I think it is kind he has one supportive adult in his life, but I don't think it should be at your children's birthday parry

Autism and learning difficulties don't mean a free pass to hurt people and things.

your husband is absolutely right to protect your home and family.