Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

With your husband too. Don't care what his issues are, wouldn't want him around my kids or in my home!

Im with your husband on this. I encountered a child with similar problems in a coffee shop a while ago. A young girl about the same age. Ive since seen the family , the dad the girl herself and her brother in the town a few times. The brother always looks as miserable as sin.

Definitely siding with your husband here & wondering why on earth you don't care about your children's safety & wellbeing.

I suspect this thread has not gone how the OP imagined it would.

I think it's gone exactly how she thought it would by the way she described the incidents. She described them in a way that no-one could possibly think the husbnand is unreasonable so I can ony assume she's looking for outside "permission" to exclude the child but say it's really against her own inclination

He's like this everywhere.
Only when he's on his own with me does this behaviour not happen

But at a party he won't be "on his own with you"; he'll be among others, and their interests matter too

Nobody's suggesting you shouldn't have a relationship with him at all, but this event clearly isn't going to work for anyone if he's there so I'm with your DH on this one

"and other family members also want to wash their hands of him"

Im child free by choice. That means i didnt/dont even want my own kids so comments like this really piss me off. Especially as by family members we all know you mean women.

Your children deserve to feel safe in their home. Your responsibility is to them first.

If that was my nephew I would not allow him around my kids or in my house.

You can see him somewhere else if you want to.

You said he'd almost knocked your son down stairs
A child once tried that with one of my children - we never went back.
Another friend was a nurse who had a child in her case load, who had fallen down stairs- brain damage....
Please keep him away from your kids.
And report the parents to safeguarding for neglect. And keep reporting them until he's removed.
The poor kid.

Why are so intent on NOT protecting your own kids? Why are you putting them in harms way intentionally?

i think you’ve got your answer, @einter, posters are overwhelmingly saying that he shouldn’t attend either event.

Your DH is right.

He's standing up for his/your children in their own home.

Listen to him. Really listen.

I agree with your husband. Keep your nephew away on this occasion.

He's trashing everything and pushing kids down the stairs.

That's not going to be enjoyable for anyone.

He should only be at your house when an appropriate adult can watch him and give him their full attention!

I feel sorry for the boy too (bloody hell, the parents calling him "annoying"... whose fault is that), but he will 100% ruin that party.
Keep caring for him in a 1-on-1 capacity, but he can't come along if he keeps being naughty.

Oh, come on. He’s a very troubled 8 year old.

Fair enough to decide to safeguard the other children. But let’s not demonise the nephew.

He "pushed my son over almost knocking him down the stairs, dropped food all around the house and broke my sons toys, pulled my sons hair"

OP you say he isnt beating them up but this reads more like it is luck your 2 boys haven't been really hurt rather than choice or boundaries working.

I am all for inclusion and get it is horrid but I can absolutely see your husband's very real and valid fears. And am inclined to agree with him I'm afraid.

@IncomingTraffic yeah fair enough, I hadn't seen the autism thing. it's interesting though, given the behaviour seems to me to match. Most sociopaths are from abusive or neglected backgrounds, unlike psychopaths. Not an expert, just read something about the difference recently. Doesn't really matter why it's happening anyway, I would still keep my kids away.

Ds is autistic, by the nature of his condition at family events it can all easily become focused on him and how to help him etc. I have always made it clear that for things like birthdays if it’s something he will be ok with we will try it with me very much in control of the situation (leaving before he disturbs things for others too much etc) but if it’s something he would struggle with I would excuse us.

it is very easy for things to become focused on one child and sometimes others need that focus.

Remember OP it will be your kids who will be choosing your nursing home later on not your nephew

Your sons should have a birthday party they’ll have memories of.
You should hold a birthday party you’ll have happy memories of.
Your nephew won’t have a good time if he’s trashing toys, food, maybe pushing children so the6 get hurt. Maybe it’s over stimulating for him and he can’t regulate his emotions.
You will be responsible for the safety of other children at the party so I think the well being of the many outbalances the wants of one.
A birthday meal is a different decision.
Can you get any support for your brother and his wife? Home start? Any local support charities maybe.

Absolutely this. Something is wrong with OP's thinking given she considers a guest inflicting violence on her children is acceptable but excluding the person inflicting violence is not. Which is more damaging? Violence. What should her duty & priority be as a mother? Her own children. She's oblivious to these simple facts.

From her comments about his behaviour with her 1-1, it's quite possible the nephew is envious of her own son & that is why he's trying to push him down the stairs.

In my family a cousin dropped her sister out of an upstairs window onto concrete because she was envious seeing her father give the younger child attention - she wanted it all for herself. The toddler was lucky to survive but had a fractured skull & 3 broken limbs. The father was dysfunctional & played them off against each other because it made him feel good them vying for his attention. Adults need to be aware of how they fuel these situations, intentionally or not.

I feel so sorry for your poor nephew, he has awful parents, who don't seem to care about him, his extended family doesn't want to spend time with him, (obviously this is due to his unacceptablebehaviour).
He's having a horrible childhood, of course he's going to display extremely challenging behaviour.
I don't know what the answer is, as obviously you don't want your dc to be Injured or your home destroyed, but this kid needs support and fast.
If it were me, I'd insist on inviting him to the family party, horrible to exclude him from that, family members, such as yourself/dh/your parents, could take it in turns to keep a close eye on him, with agreement that he gets taken home if he doesn't behave.
He needs firm boundaries and consequences to know where he stands, regardless of this adhd/asd diagnosis.
Its such a shame that everyone is agreement to ban this child from parties and your life in general.
Nephew has a good bond with you, and you appear to be the one good constant in his life, I would maybe try to arrange some regular one to one time with him, even if a really small amount, as of course you still have your own dc who must've your priority.

Interesting that OP has ignored all these questions

So, what you're actually saying is that you are waiting for the nephew to punch or beat your children up to take his violent behaviour seriously enough to consider the safety of your children of some importance.

I wonder, would a black eye suffice or would it need to be a broken nose or limb...

Lots of people have said the OP should not have DN in her house, round her DC etc. That it’s not her job, she shouldn’t be trying to ‘save’ DN.

But who should help DN? Surely the OP shouldn’t just was her hands of him?