Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

Dont know the answer but I feel very sorry for your nephew. What a tragedy for him that his own parents don’t seem to love or care much and other family members also want to wash their hands of him. He will likely grow up very troubled I fear. I think you are a big positive in his life and I would attempt to keep as close a relationship as I possibly could. Is it possible one day he would live with you or stay for an extended period of time?? I would think this could be likely tbh as he’s unlikely to stay with his parents in the long run surely. Why oh why are they having another child 😐

This must be very tough for you to have to live knowing, as a mother I wish my own had an aunt wishing to advocate so much for them. It's really great that you try to spend quality time with him.

That being said, for the party, though I'm sure it will make you feel guilty as hell, it may be best to accept DHs decision. It is your sons birthdays after all and if they don't want him there then it's unfair to force it. I also know quite a number of children with ASD who do struggle with all the noises, movement etc. I'd be concerned it might cause his behaviour to worsen for the duration. Could a compromise be to maybe take him for a morning out or a meal to celebrate their birthday the week after or something?

Not necessarily at all. My asd/adhd child is great 1 on 1.

This poor poor child! Your brother and his wife are not inadequate. They’re fucking appalling neglectful emotional abusers! Christ!

“My brother and his wife are understanding and seem passive towards my nephew. They have said they don't like him either and hes 'annoying' so they can understand and try and avoid him themselves now.”

Given that he has asd and moderate ld, it is unsurprising his behaviour can be challenging. I would invite him to the family birthday tea but maybe not to your sons' party as there will be too much unpredictability and lots of new people.

How did he do all that in your house without someone - you / DH if his own parents are useless - stepping in and stopping him?

The party is neither here nor there and really he probably wouldn’t enjoy it anyway as he clearly responds best in a 1:1 environment so I’d make the decision to have it without him and maybe a little cake on another day.

But Jesus Mary and Joseph, please please keep this child close to you, he is being failed and fucked up in plain sight!!!!

And trauma and attachment issues can present very similarly to types of neurodivergence, but it sounds like he doesn’t need a diagnosis, he needs parents who aren’t useless fucks.

I assume the reason as don't do more is due to the disability. You say both younger children have asd. Sadly being the best parent in the world cannot overcome all the challenges brought with asd. It may be that they are poor parents but that does not mean all your nephew's issues are down to their parenting.

You say he doesn't behave like that with you but then say his behaviour in your home was so bad your dh won't have him again. This seems contradictory. If you mean he is fine alone with you then this is very different. Many kids with asd crave a quiet environment where all the attention is on their interest and they control the agenda.

Your own children should be your priority OP. If you want to support your nephew too you need to do it in a way that doesn't hurt your children, preferably separately and not in their space or with their possessions.

Jeeze! With parents like his, it’s no wonder his behaviour is off the wall! This boy needs some real therapy, his parents need support in managing his behaviour, and he needs to be loved! By all his family.

Your nephew is traumatised. Growing up with severe neglect is traumatising. Far better to call this "distressed behaviour" than challenging behaviour, it helps to view it through the right lens. He cannot cope sharing food or attention, it is too threatening to him on a sensory level, not necessarily conscious. So the party is a bad idea. Far better to spend any 1:1 time with him that you can, it all helps. When he has these moments of emotional safety he is building connections in his pre frontal cortex that help with emotional regulation. Don't set him up to fail by putting him in situations he can't cope with where his resulting distressed behaviour will alienate more people and increase his shame.

I totally agree with this. If he behaved well around your children, it would be different but they don’t.

You have to protect your children and other people’s children. Your DH is right.

It’s a tragedy, for sure, but don’t put other children at risk!

The poor kid is being let down so badly. So frustrating that his parents are utterly useless and get away with this and social services attitude appears to be “oh well”.

However, I feel that you should let your children enjoy their party without their cousin there. They deserve to have their day be about them and having fun rather than about your nephew and his very real potential to spoil it all with his behaviour.

YABVVU. As sad as the situation is your responsibility is to be present for your own children.
You've allowed them to be intimidated, harassed and abused in their own home, that's unacceptable.

You have a duty of care towards the other children you’ve invited to the party. You shouldn’t be inviting them to be around someone who is violent. You have a duty to prioritise your own children, they shouldn’t have to be around a violent child. And your DH shouldn’t have to put up with this behaviour in his home.

I'm with your husband. It sucks to be the child who has to get hurt or treated badly because a parent has a need to look nice. I'm 50 and I still remember my mother totally ignoring my being bullied because she didn't want to lose social contact with a friend, telling me to ignore it. It doesn't affect me now but I'll never forget that she did that.

You're a lovely aunt, he's lucky to have you. But you need to stop having him in your home.

Ds has a friend with adhd, we look after him often so his mum (who is a great parent) can have a break.

But every time he was in our house something would get broken or damaged, he would pull all of ds's things out of cupboards and ds would get upset so now we take him out to the park instead.

That's stressful in other ways but ds doesn't want him in our space any more.

You haven't said much about how your children feel but I know ds finds it hard to be friends with this boy. He likes him, he's actually very mature and understanding about the challenges his friend faces, but he has his limits. And that's the most important thing for me. I feel like ds is always slightly on edge when he's with his friend, waiting for something to happen. And too much of that is not healthy.

That needs to be your priority op. How are your own children managing?

TBH I agree with your DH! This is obv a very troubled little boy who clearly loves his Aunt.However your DH is within his rights not to want to play Policeman, and not enjoy his Sons party ,due to bad behaviour from their Cousin.Its good that he behaves with you and clearly needs one on one support from School. I would not mention the party or meal out.Your DC are important and should come first!