Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

Sorry, I agree with your husband. If you can offer one to one time with your nephew from time to time, then I would still do it as he seems to benefit most from this.

‘Should’ doesn’t come into it - it has to the choice of the individual. If OP wants to sacrifice her own time and efforts to help her nephew then that’s up to her, but she doesn’t get to demand her husband does the same. It’s also wrong for her to decide on behalf of her children that it’s acceptable to put them in harms way. At least their father is prioritising them.

While I have every sympathy for your nephew and how you feel you need to support him, I’m with your husband on this.

You’ve said a few times you think your nephew will be fine at the party, but how would your own children be/feeling, based on their own recent experiences of his behaviour? Surely they have a right to fully enjoy their own party without worrying what he might do? Same goes for being in their own home.

It's good that you want to help him, it sounds like his parents are neglectful and should not have kids at all. However, your kids and DH also have a right to a safe home and enjoyable experiences. Why should they have to put up with being hurt and having their home trashed? He's being violent and destructive already and you do not seem to register that as serious.

Also why has it been allowed to get to that stage? You have mentioned he behaves for you so why were you not watching him closely enough so he could not do some of those things? Or at least put measures in place to try and avoid them? It sounds like you want to include him but do not do the necessary things to try and make your immediate family safer. Also are a party and dinner out even the right environment for him? Sounds stressful for him but dangerous for everyone else.

It is really good that you want to help him but it seems to be at the expense of your kids and husband. And also not done with due care. Why does he have to be at the party or dinner? How come the kids cannot have a stress free party and good time? Do something else for him another day. I feel bad for the kid and he needs proper
support and supervision. Your husband is in the right here.

In their own home

Your DC need to feel safe in their own and you need to place their needs first.

The child who was pushed and had their hair pulled may well look back on this as sacrifice.

Integration may be a goal but what this child actually appears to need at this point is OP's solo love and care, not to be allowed to hurt other children.

IMO there's no way you're going to help your DN while he's going home to his parents.

They don't seem to be bothered with being parents to him and unfortunately this is why there are children out there that behave as your DN does.

On the flip side parents like these seem to play on the fact others will feel sorry for the children and watch quite happliy as they do the parenting for them, it's a vicious circle but seems to work for some shite parents.

But is the OP unintentionally sacrificing her own children in order to ensure her nephew isn’t left out?

no family dynamic should be all about one family member. That’s not healthy for anyone.

I think your husband is reasonable to be thinking about what is best for your own children given your nephew's behaviour.

Whilst you can be supportive as a family member, your brother and his wife need to parent their son. I would say it probably isn't a good idea to have him around without them there to do that at the very least.

Unfortunately these things are awkward, especially so because it is family but you, as a parent, have to advocate for your children first if they are being negatively impacted.

I had an issue with one of my friend's children when they were much younger with very disruptive behaviour that included violence towards one of my children. I was very clear with my friend that it was not acceptable and that unless that child's behaviour substantially improved I was not able to have them in my home. It put the friendship under strain (and I suspect may have ended it in other circumstances), but I maintain that it was a bit of a wake up call for her that her child's behaviour was more serious than she was letting herself believe. She did take action and that child's behaviour is now much better. I will never regret taking that stance.

@MrsLilaAmes - if you consider ‘sacrifice’ to be unnecessarily dramatic language, how about this - is it right for @einter to put her own children’s safety and well-being at risk, in order to help her nephew?

He has already hurt her children - and as has been said already on this thread, if he had managed to push the OP’s son down the stairs, he could have been very seriously hurt - this time he was lucky, the next time, he might not be. The boy has already trashed the OP’s children’s belongings and home - would you expect them to feel happy, relaxed or safe with this boy in their home? I wouldn’t.

All of that is about DN, though. None of it addresses whether it's fair to her DC to expose them to his behaviour. You're only thinking of him.

I think ‘sacrifice’ is unnecessarily dramatic language. Integration into some sort of healthy family life could be a really useful goal for DN. It probably needs to be done a bit more slowly with a bit more building up than OP is managing right now. But ultimately he will need tools to be able to cope with more than one person in a room at a time. Unless we’re certain that will always be impossible??

Should any body ever sacrifice anything for the well being of another?

Sounds like DN’s parents are doing an excellent job of not sacrificing anything for DN’s wellbeing.

Loads of people have said she can see him 1:1.

Just not sacrifice her DC for his wellbeing.

Lots of people have said the OP should not have DN in her house, round her DC etc. That it’s not her job, she shouldn’t be trying to ‘save’ DN.

But who should help DN? Surely the OP shouldn’t just was her hands of him?

So, what you're actually saying is that you are waiting for the nephew to punch or beat your children up to take his violent behaviour seriously enough to consider the safety of your children of some importance.

I wonder, would a black eye suffice or would it need to be a broken nose or limb...

Interesting that OP has ignored all these questions

I feel so sorry for your poor nephew, he has awful parents, who don't seem to care about him, his extended family doesn't want to spend time with him, (obviously this is due to his unacceptablebehaviour).
He's having a horrible childhood, of course he's going to display extremely challenging behaviour.
I don't know what the answer is, as obviously you don't want your dc to be Injured or your home destroyed, but this kid needs support and fast.
If it were me, I'd insist on inviting him to the family party, horrible to exclude him from that, family members, such as yourself/dh/your parents, could take it in turns to keep a close eye on him, with agreement that he gets taken home if he doesn't behave.
He needs firm boundaries and consequences to know where he stands, regardless of this adhd/asd diagnosis.
Its such a shame that everyone is agreement to ban this child from parties and your life in general.
Nephew has a good bond with you, and you appear to be the one good constant in his life, I would maybe try to arrange some regular one to one time with him, even if a really small amount, as of course you still have your own dc who must've your priority.

Absolutely this. Something is wrong with OP's thinking given she considers a guest inflicting violence on her children is acceptable but excluding the person inflicting violence is not. Which is more damaging? Violence. What should her duty & priority be as a mother? Her own children. She's oblivious to these simple facts.

From her comments about his behaviour with her 1-1, it's quite possible the nephew is envious of her own son & that is why he's trying to push him down the stairs.

In my family a cousin dropped her sister out of an upstairs window onto concrete because she was envious seeing her father give the younger child attention - she wanted it all for herself. The toddler was lucky to survive but had a fractured skull & 3 broken limbs. The father was dysfunctional & played them off against each other because it made him feel good them vying for his attention. Adults need to be aware of how they fuel these situations, intentionally or not.

Your sons should have a birthday party they’ll have memories of.
You should hold a birthday party you’ll have happy memories of.
Your nephew won’t have a good time if he’s trashing toys, food, maybe pushing children so the6 get hurt. Maybe it’s over stimulating for him and he can’t regulate his emotions.
You will be responsible for the safety of other children at the party so I think the well being of the many outbalances the wants of one.
A birthday meal is a different decision.
Can you get any support for your brother and his wife? Home start? Any local support charities maybe.

Remember OP it will be your kids who will be choosing your nursing home later on not your nephew

Ds is autistic, by the nature of his condition at family events it can all easily become focused on him and how to help him etc. I have always made it clear that for things like birthdays if it’s something he will be ok with we will try it with me very much in control of the situation (leaving before he disturbs things for others too much etc) but if it’s something he would struggle with I would excuse us.

it is very easy for things to become focused on one child and sometimes others need that focus.

@IncomingTraffic yeah fair enough, I hadn't seen the autism thing. it's interesting though, given the behaviour seems to me to match. Most sociopaths are from abusive or neglected backgrounds, unlike psychopaths. Not an expert, just read something about the difference recently. Doesn't really matter why it's happening anyway, I would still keep my kids away.

He "pushed my son over almost knocking him down the stairs, dropped food all around the house and broke my sons toys, pulled my sons hair"

OP you say he isnt beating them up but this reads more like it is luck your 2 boys haven't been really hurt rather than choice or boundaries working.

I am all for inclusion and get it is horrid but I can absolutely see your husband's very real and valid fears. And am inclined to agree with him I'm afraid.

Oh, come on. He’s a very troubled 8 year old.

Fair enough to decide to safeguard the other children. But let’s not demonise the nephew.