Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

I'm with your husband in this one. You cannot have this child to your son's party. The meal , maybe that's only family so will not impact on your children like the party could.
But how the hell do you cope with that behaviour in your home? Sorry but no I wouldn't have him round either. Meet elsewhere. You husband has a right not to have his home distroyed.

This is what stuck out for me too. The poor child. It sounds like the OP is the only person interested in or concerned about him.

I do agree about the party as you have to safeguard your own children and their friends but I would have him at the family meal. It sounds like he is screaming out for attention and love.

Actions have consequences and treating your home and children as you describe is unacceptable. I am definitely with your husband on this

You could do something to include him off site for a much shorter time period on another day (eg at the park/skate park for half and hour) but it is totally unfair to the other children to be put deliberately in the path of such violence.

In terms of a longer strategy for him and his challenges - he sounds like he needs professional care away from his home.

Your kids need to come 1st

Your nephews behaviour is challenging because of his parents. Your brothers wife needs to stop getting pregnant

I fully agree with your husband and I have autistic children so tend to be far more lenient about this sort of thing.

I do feel for your nephew though and think his parents are making the situation far worse by being so passive.

So your son has been diagnosed with autism and a learning disability, his parents openly admitted they don't like him, then continued to pop out more children? What happens if they end up diagnosed with additional needs?

Christ alive, my own child is awaiting official diagnosis of ASD and can be a bit challenging, but never would I talk about her like they do. Though I also decided to not have any further children to ensure I can give her as much love and support as she needs.

That poor child. His parents never deserved him.

He pulled their hair and tried to push them down the stairs. How is that not assaulting them? Are you going to wait until he’s broken their bones?

Do either of the parents have ASD /ASD traits?

What do you mean ‘apparently’?

Surely you have spoken to them as well, given you have so much contact with the child?

Or at least you have reported your brother and his wife to them and discussed it?

What do you call trying to push him down stairs and pulling hair?
Will you only care about your own child once they properly injure your child?

Poor boy.

His own parents say they don't like him. They've already lost another child in care. Yet here they are pregnant with another, what an absolute joke for those innocent children.

YANBU to want to protect your children.

YABU to accept your brother's poor parenting. It's not clear from your OP whether you tell him to buck up and give your nephew more positive attention.

I'd wash my hands with your brother and just offer respite for your nephew. Poor boy, would probably be a lovely child if only he had suitable parents. They should be ashamed of their situation, pregnant again, ridiculous.

My brother and his wife are understanding and seem passive towards my nephew. They have said they don't like him either and hes 'annoying' so they can understand and try and avoid him themselves now.
Wtf?! Why do miserable specimens of humanity like this continue to reproduce?
Unless the whole thread is made up…

I think you both have valid points.

I would suggest that you spend time with your nephew each week, at a set time; and it's is OH responsibility to care for your children during that time- e.g. you see him on a Sunday Morning and you take him to the park/cinema (ours does a Autism friendly showing on a Sunday). You can chat, share news about his week, buy him an ice cream and it will get him out of the house from his parents.

@einter are your brother and his partner involved in drugs and alcohol in a big way?

This is the line I draw.

We have a friend now in a wheelchair because their son was visiting from his assisted living over xmas, and picked up a golf club and attacked his father for it from behind.

any violence is a red line.

Not near my kids I’m afraid.

Agree with your husband. It's great to be inclusive but that doesn't mean your kids are punch bags. That's not being inclusive that's being neglectful of your own.

He might actually hate being at a big birthday party with lots of people he doesn't know and if he is made to come it could easily bring out his worst behaviour which could be very upsetting for your children. It might actually be preferable to him to not have to come.

It might also be exactly the same for the family meal - too overwhelming, sensory overload and out of routine.

I expect SS aren't interested because he is autistic and so challenges are to be expected and it's much easier just to leave the parents to try and deal with it. They can put any issues down to him being autistic rather than unacceptable parenting and he's then one less for them to have to deal with.

When and where does he behave for you? Is it at your house or is he happy to behave for you anywhere you go? Does he behave if you are there with your sons or is it only if it is just you and him? Does he show any interest in your sons? What does he enjoy? I'm just wondering if there was a way to do a very small birthday celebration that he might be able to be a part of and enjoy - not that it's your responsibility to go to huge lengths, but it's so sad that his parents don't seem to even like him. I have a child with ASD and it's heart breaking to hear that they just see their child as annoying without trying to understand anything about his behaviour.

I think it might be best for everyone including him to not to come to either party though, because he will struggle to cope rather than because he's too difficult. However my worry would be that the parents would see this as him being even more of a problem and just further ingrain their negative view of him as they don't see to have any understanding of his behaviour.

It sounds like he feels safe when he is with you and that you understand how to engage with him. Perhaps because he is not overwhelmed, you can distract him when necessary and maybe you intuitively tell him about what is going to happen and narrate what is going on. I have no doubt his parents could learn a huge amount from you and whatever it is you do that enables him to cope and so behave well.

Poor child . What chance does he have if his parents don't even like him? How I he treated at home? He has one sibling in care and now they are bringing another baby into the mix.
He would probably fare better in a foster home with people who actually care and will nurture him

Sounds like the son has attachment disorder, perhaps even misdiagnosed as autism.

Perhaps you're the only adult he feels safe with?

At the same time, I feel a lack of boundaries / adaptions led to the behaviours in your home that now have him banned.

Eg why not get him to take dirty shoes off?

Why not put a child lock on fridge when he's over?

Obviously you are not his parents so these expectations are a lot to ask, but if it happens repeatedly you already know he either needs watching like a hawk or measures put in place.

I feel sorry for him.

Well he's not going to be on his own with you when there's a house full of screaming kids having a party. I agree with your husband.

The fact he behaves when he has you to himself suggests to me it's behaviour not an issue such as ADHD etc. I'll be honest, I wouldn't want him hear me or my kids either

I know you said the parents haven't got autism but the kids have, autism can be passed down and it's likely at least one of the parents are actually on the spectrum themselves.

I feel sorry for your nephew, but your DH is right. You can't put him above your own kids.

It's their bday party and based on what you said he will likely ruin it and probably not even enjoy it himself.

It's great that he feels so comfortable with you, but I would be looking into long term solutions - can you speak to his social worker? It sounds like his parents are not providing adequate care at all. What mental illness do they suffer from?