Husband excluding nephew with challenging behaviour

My post was for @Strawberrydelight78

Consequences won’t work with a child this disregulated so any thoughts from pp that this will help his behaviour are simply wrong.
Him being excluded from parties will simply amplify his belief that he is unloved and unlovable as it sounds to me as though he has an attachment disorder.

you are right. Your husband is right too … anyway he can come and be your responsibility? You sound like the only adult he has in his corner. Report to social services and school asap

Inclusive is not about one size fits all or including everyone. It’s about meeting everyone’s needs (including your own). I think it would be fair to say, ‘This event isn’t suitable for Barry. It is too rough/quiet/whatever and puts him at risk of fighting/hurting himself/damaging property/whatever. I’d rather take him out separately on [date] to [favourite place]. That’ll be much more fun for both of us and we have proper time to chat and play’.

It’s not actually about what the nephew does or does not ‘deserve’. That’s a totally separate issue.

The OP is framing it as ‘excluding her nephew’ but, actually, it’s about what her children need and deserve.

It is very weird how the OP is minimising her children being pushed and having their hair pulled. That’s not enough violence for her to not focus on her nephew and her role as his rescuer.

No wonder her husband has drawn a very clear line in the sand now.

It’s great that your such a lovely aunt however you cannot but him before your own children’s well-being and safety.

Pulling hair and trying to or actually shoving down stairs is violent. That’s without having the emotional fear of being on edge to what he may do or what he may break.

Your dh is protecting his children, you’re putting your nephew first. See him alone 1-1 like he actually enjoys. Don’t punish your children to make someone else’s feel better.

I'm with your husband on this one. Your children should feel safe and protected in their own home.

I think 'bully' is accurate in that the younger child will experience this behaviour as bullying, regardless of the cause. Of course the parents should be able to recognise abuse, neglect and trauma (plus SEN).

I think it's important (having read 1000s of threads on MN Relationships) that we don't teach children that violent, abusive behaviour is OK if the person doing it has reasons. Yes, it's a reason, yes, I can have compassion. No, that doesn't mean I can't have boundaries.

What about the harm to the other children? It's not insignificant.

^^^this so so much.

Problem here is your DSis and BIL. I have a challenging child (ASD) and when we're at a family event either myself or my DH shadow him to make sure he's safe and not doing damage. My DM or siblings will sometimes give us a break to eat etc. I also wouldn't bring him to a party if he'd be too disruptive.
Your nephew sounds troubled & I applaud your care for him but your sons should come first. Why would you ruin their party by insisting your nephew be there? You could always take your nephew on a special day out or something (just the 2 of you) to make up for it

But the OP should be attending her children’s birthday parties in the role of their mother. Her focus should be on them. Their celebration. Their enjoyment.

Not ensuring she’s focused entirely on her nephew.

Yes her nephew is troubled. But seriously, the OP needs to stop patting herself on the back about being the adult who cares and recognise that, first and foremost, she is her children’s mother.

She can still spend time with her nephew and try to be a caring and reliable adult in his life. But making him her priority over her children is not the right thing to do.

If this was just a child in your DC school instead of your DN and you knew exactly how he behaves would you invite him to your child's birthday parties?

Absolutely - I think this poster has had an empathy bypass

He sounds like a nightmare and I definitely wouldn’t invite him.

If you want a relationship with your nephew you need to find the time to see him alone. He obviously doesn’t know how to behave in a large group and until he does you need to protect your own kids and your home

Einter you mean to be so rude to me?

Especially as I mentioned doing something as small group because you can give him 1:1 and he's fine with you this way and I didn't once say he didn't like parties. I mentioned his behaviour being because he could be dysregulated. You can can the noise and crowds of parties but if your sensory system doesn't function properly (quite common with autistic people and part of diagnostic criteria) you can behave in a way that isn't ok (crashing into people, unable to control behaviour like biting into lots of food etc) and with added MLD with asd you may not realise your behaviours impact on others.

Just because he's happy behaving the way he is doesn't make it ok.

I stick by what I said about maybe finding a smaller activity with you as a small group and he gets invited to that birthday party.

But if you'd rather snap my head off about all people with autism not being the same (ps I've worked with autistic people for 25 years ) then go ahead.

Because all that does is make it clear you don't think Yabu and think everyone should just agree with that 🤷‍♀️

I feel sad for your nephew can understand where your husband is coming from. He is no doubt fed up of seeing his kids constantly being pushed, having their hair pulled, their toys broken etc. Your son could have had some nasty injuries if he had been knocked down the stairs.

He has almost pushed your son down the stairs and pulled his hair, @einter, but that isn’t enough violence against your child for you to agree with your dh that it’s time to protect your children from your nephew?

If he had pushed your son down the stairs, he could have ended up with broken bones, a fractured spine (maybe causing paralysis) or a head injury (could cause long term disability or death).

The only reason this didn’t happen is sheer luck - next time your child might not be so lucky. Your dh is right, and your nephew should no longer be welcome around your children or in your house.

He is probably excluded a lot. I would try to do something separately for your DC and nephew, so a bonus treat for them and something the nephew can participate in and enjoy. If he always wrecks the house I would take them out to a play ground and to get ice cream, then let them burn it off, or to a play centre.

We have some very difficult DNs who possibly have ASD (a lot of indicators, family history on one side, hints from school ignored and behaviour issues challenging for DNs and without a diagnosis seen as bad behaviour). It is really challenging to spend time with them, but short trips to something they enjoy and can focus on (rather than difficult encounters other kids) means they are not excluded.

Were there similar behaviour challenges with the older child who was taken into care ?
Did that escalate beyond the behaviour that your 8yo nephew is displaying ?

Are your inadequate Bro/SIL hoping that you will take on the full time care of your nephew as they already have another 2yo and a new baby on the way ?

If your son had been pushed down t stairs would that have been enough for you to say no more? Or would you have said “it’s fine he’s not really been hurt”? Your husband has found his limit with the danger he is willing to expose his children to. You haven’t. What is your limit?

Got to be honest, I'm with DH, I wouldn't want him in my house.

Your husband is right, and you are very, very unreasonable.

deliberately ruin food for attention like taking bites out of a load of applies so no one can eat them. He will pretend other children have hurt him when they haven't. Tells lies about people. Screams randomly or asks for things in a REALLY loud voice. He will get very angry if he doesn't get what he wants or loses a game he's playing

It is unsafe for all concerned to subject your sons friends to this at their party . .

I have an autistic child and with this kind of disregulated unhappy behaviour, I wouldn't be putting him in those scenarios either.

Having said that, if you're confident he does well with parties then I wouldn't have a problem with him coming, provided that your kids are ok with him being there and that they have a choice about it and shouldn't feel obligated just because it's family. And you need a plan for if he does not do well - either his parents take him home or you take him away to calm down.

How sad that his parents have given up on him and so has everyone else by the sounds of it.

What about his grandparents can't they give him 1-1 time? This boy is failing and like this because he's not being taught values and life skills he needs, he sounds highly neglected and add in autism on top he's being failed by everyone.