IToday i’ve realised how much my ds actually posts on social media. I knew he had TikTok and Instagram but not to this extent. I thought he mostly watched videos and followed bands etc but he’s got about 1.5k followers on TikTok and 53k likes altogether. He’s mostly showing his outfits, lip syncing to music and talking about bands he likes. Some of them are quite niche and he gets really into them. There’s pictures of himself too and the odd video talking about how he’s feeling. I just didn’t realise how much he was putting out there.

He’s 14, autistic and has quite significant mental health issues. He’s had a difficult couple of years and barely goes to school now. Last year they were fairly lax about his dyed hair and piercings because he was in the hub for most of the day anyway, it’s a room for the autistic children away from the other pupils. He’s got quite a few piercings already and is constantly begging me for more. The school have now changed their stance and said if they allow it for him they’d have to allow it for everyone, so he’s stopped attending altogether. It’s all got very difficult tbh.

He dresses emo/scene and it’s very much his thing. I’m not against how he looks and he’s openly bisexual on TikTok which isn’t an issue in our house. He doesn’t really have any friends in real life which I do worry about, although he’d probably tell you he doesn’t need any. Social media seems to be where he gets most of his interaction with people.

Some of the comments are a bit concerning. Some people take the piss out of him or call him weird and he’ll argue back for ages instead of just ignoring them. Then there are accounts that look like teenage girls flirting with him, calling him cute and tagging their friends under his pictures. One seems to comment on quite a lot of his stuff. I don’t know these girls or whether they’re actually who they say they are.

He does have an online friend who’s a girl and she’s 16. I’ve actually met her as they went to a small gig together and she seemed perfectly nice, also very scene and they have similar music tastes. So I know not every online friendship is dodgy and I’m not against him having friends online. They get on well and she seems to understand him. It’s the other accounts I don’t know what to make of.

I don’t want to ban everything just because I’m worried, as social media is one of the few places he seems confident and he does get a lot out of the music side of it. With him not really going to school or having friends outside the internet I worry taking it away would leave him even more isolated. But equally he’s not great at judging people’s intentions sometimes and can be very trusting if someone seems to like him. He gets defensive if I question anything and says I’m treating him like a little kid.

I just don’t know if I’m being too relaxed about the attention he’s getting, especially with his mental health being how it is. I knew he had social media, I just didn’t realise how public it all was or how many people were interacting with him.

I've loved charity shopping for over 30 years, but like many I've long mixed it with online second hand shopping.
The stories in this Guardian article are not new to those of us who've read threads on here, work in the shops or know people who do.
I never sell online myself and am a very mindful donatter, but my own eBay addiction and Vinted dabbling is contributing to this in a way.
Shops won't want to discourage donations, but it seems more push back on the mountains of crap is needed.

www.theguardian.com/fashion/2026/oct/13/people-sell-their-best-stuff-on-vinted-how-charity-shops-became-a-dumping-ground-for-unsellable-clothes

New thread as Thread 56 was filling up.

Updated list:
ComefromAway Leeds Conservatoire. Completed Year 2 - DS working as self employed musician/MD & electronic instrument programming.
Blinkbonny Nottingham, Sociology- DS now working full time in conference sales in London.
Photodad DD Art, ARU (Cambridge Campus). Has moved to Germany to Au Pair on a working farm. DS had a Gap year in NZ (teaching windsurfing) Started Cambridge Nat Sci in Oct 2026
cariadmbyth Royal Holloway history, Marketing master's at Cardiff- DD now job hunting
Aslockton DD LSE Geography with German- Military Officer
DS Reading Meteorology and Climate Science - has a grad role as a meteorologist and has bought a house.
ewwsprouts - Durham, biology - grad role in food science
handmademitlove- York, maths
alwaysplayspiccolopiccolo- Birmingham , English and film
piggywaspushed - DS1 Lincoln - Job hunting
DS2 Birmingham , history - Sheffield for a journalism master's. Journalism job for a local paper in Worchestershire area
justherewithmybabypopcorn - Nottingham, law - now has grad position with funded SQE
Coffeeandbiscuitime - DC Y4 Medicine
oublietteletbravo - Exeter, business with law, now a sales and marketing coordinator (at a specialist software company).
DS - Newcastle, medicinal chemistry - Y3.
extensivelydecorating - Cirencester , countryside management (2025), at home, portfolio career in the outdoor environment. DC2 RHUL History in y2.
Sansou- DS Software engineering in the Defence sector
Orangecinnamon- DD has graduated and starts as an unqualified teacher (apprenticeship/post grad route)
AnotherNewName - working in engineering
Still studying! DS is still working in engineering but in a better job and is now studying with OU to get his degree and buying a house.
delphigirl - DS1 job in political journalism/campaigning for a political publisher. DS2 Plymouth - ocean exploration and surveying- DS has now started an offshore survey job.
DD Demi chef de cuisine
mummyinbeds - DS Nottingham , law and French law- Working in pub, hoping to do ski season. DD graduated from Aberystwyth Uni with a degree in International Relations and Global Development and will be starting a Masters in Global Development at SOAS in September.
oblomov26 - Nottingham , finance degree apprenticeship. DS now working in London for PwC
ealingwestmum - Trinity College Dublin - Middle Eastern and European languages. DD has Graduated and started work in Belfast: Associate Consulting, Big 4.
zebracat - off for a year in Denmark
crazycrofter - Nottingham, Psychology- DD working for Mind on a new mental health outreach project.
DS year 2 of Politics & Int Relations at Nottingham.
seeline - UEA , archaeology, anthropology and art history. DD has now graduated, and is job hunting primarily for museum/gallery/heritage/culture type jobs, nationwide.
shimy - DS1 (Cardiff Uni) 'Software Engineer - Tech Consultancy (Aviation & Defence).
DS2 Warwick, management- DS job hunting
Anneofcleavage - primary education , Chichester- DD Started first teaching post in Sept 2026
NCTDN - Liberal Arts, Bristol. DD has just graduated with a masters from Bristol. Secured a first job in the south west.
Icanbewhatiwants- history, Sussex
decorhate - Economics and Politics, Sheffield. DS is a Data Analyst in London
Bluemarigold- Birmingham Biological Sciences- DD now working as an assistant ecologist
Heifer- Nottingham Biology- DD now doing a Masters in Public Health (International) at Liverpool School of Tropical Medicine.
Cantonet DD1: Working as a vet
DS1 Retaking a uni year / job hunting (in limbo)
DD2 UCL Year 3 Architecture
DS2 Bristol changed from Psychology, Yr1 Engineering
Lentilcakes: DS graduated in neuroscience at Bristol uni. Currently looking for work, has a voluntary role coming up (Mind charity shop - at least he’s in the right ‘sector’).
Kingscotestaff: DD 5th year Medicine at Newcastle

A few weeks ago a woman knocked on my door, handed me an envelope and said I need to read what was inside. She was his affair partner. She had written me a letter explaining everything. That she didn't know he was married at first, later down the line when feelings had already developed he told her that our marriage was dead and I think she truly believed this was an overlap situation. He told her he loved her. I don't hate her as I have friends who have met in situations like that, I'm aware life isn't black and white. She left her phone number and we had a brief phone call where I wanted to clear up some questions. She was very polite. In the envelope was also letters he'd written to her while we had been on holiday together. She also included screenshots where he says he loves her, she's different to everyone else and he feels like he bores me. There was also a message where she asked if he needed/wanted her to step back and he said "no not at all". If all this wasn't bad enough I also found out through her letter that a couple of years ago he took 12-18 months off work sick due to some disciplinary action. I did question her about this and what she says adds up. He told her I left for work before him, which I do, and he got home before me, which he did, so he just put his uniform in the wash bin. When she questioned him about the school holidays (as I work in a school) he told her he told me that he had banked up his annual leave, which is what he told me. She confirmed that they spent his birthday together and that was when they had their first kiss and she knew the name of the friend he had told me he'd gone with.

We've been together 37 years. He told her I got pregnant early and entrapped him but he was the one who persuaded me to come off the pill.

When I asked her why she told me now she said she had asked him if their relationship was building towards anything and his reply was something like "I've thought about leaving but all my stuffs tied up there and I'm happy to plod along". She said at that point she thought 'fuck him'. She didn't want to keep his secrets anymore. She didn't like feeling misled. She didn't like that his answer was selfish.

I don't know how to feel. I'm angry at them all and I can't stop crying. I don't want to hate anyone but I hate them both. I'm 63 and I feel it's too late to start again but how can I look at him now knowing what he did and what he's lied about. I just don't know where to begin or what the road ahead looks like. My worlds be turned upside now. I wish I never knew but also glad I know. I don't have anyone to speak to about this

This is intended as a friendly, kind, safe, warm and fuzzy place for people to share discounts, bargains and Christmas gift ideas both online and IRL. Please note the tone and intention of the thread and join with spirit as generous as DC helping themselves to the Christmas chocolate celebrations 😊 .

Here’s some useful information about how to save the thread or a specific post so you don’t need to have a message to check in for every thread so you have the thread saved:

To watch the thread - click on the little bell that has ‘watch’ under my first message. This adds the whole thread to your ‘watched threads’

You can also bookmark a specific post by clicking on the ‘bookmark’ under the specific post. This saves your exact place in a thread but doesn’t alert you to new replies.

If you have any referral links or codes, please share them on the referral thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5577375-bargain-referrals-thread

A reminder that we don't use affiliated links on here please

If there’s anything you think would be useful or good to include in this post then please do tag or DM @reastie (the traditional thread starter!) and let them know.

Hey,
Where are you buying your safe toys for babies/toddlers in the UK?
With all of the recalls of toys this year's, I'm struggling to know where to buy things that are safe for children. I don't like Amazon as they seem to be a lot of Chinese knock offs under multiple different names and although they are they are non-toxic I worry that this might not be true. I won't but from places like temu or shein etc.
I regularly buy bits from charity shops etc.
Thanks in advance

Currently in a car driving along a freeway in the dark in Nevada. My DHs Granddad is driving and it is terrifying. We're swerving all over the place.

This is making me sweat. This is my second time meeting them and I can't say anything without causing massive offense.

Just hoping we make it there in one piece.

They don’t seem to be giving much away but any indication that they might help kickstart the economy or are we just going to get £2 bus fares, £45 off our elec bill a year and petrol prices on google map? None of Labour polices seem to help anyone that is really struggling but isn’t in receipt of UC! I’m speaking as a single mother who is trying to sell a property to move on with my life but can’t. Yes I know I’ve very fortunate to have bricks and mortar but that doesn’t mean I’m loaded (because the property isn’t worth much)! I feel like everyone is expecting the chancellor pull a rabbit out of a hat but I think we’ll all be very disappointed/pissed off!

My ex and I parted on good terms. Our first Christmas seperated we stuck to our annual tradition and took DD for a pre-Christmas meal out and decided to exchange a gift. He got me....bath bombs. Due to arthritis I haven't used a bath since childhood. We were allocated a bungalow because of the walk-in shower. I wasn't upset just totally baffled. We still celebrate DD's birthday together and she's an adult now. I'm remarried but DH knows we still get on okay. I'm still baffled by the bath bombs.

💫 Magic 💫

Welcome to the 12th thread, we still have 50 days till the daily unboxing officially starts, although I very much doubt any of our calendars will remain untouched until then 😂
Still time for lots more friendly chat, tips and discount codes - to cut down on links as a poster requested, here's link to some very comprehensive run-downs of the calendars https://beauty-detective.com/category/beauty-advent-calendars/
When enjoying those breakdowns please remember that some are OOS already - Harrod's Fragrance, Harrod's Beauty and Selfridges Beauty to name a few.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/93665388?fbclid=IwY2xjawU7KY1leHRuA2FlbQIxMQBwZG9mA3NydGMGYXBwX2lkDzQwOTk2MjYyMzA4NTYwOQABHoQoeL6yOlAMSldu3ziJF2Uiwpt2qeHVAOPxP9riIXaGaoszN-vZ5erj5ogiaemCHbN0MKLM1h-VjtT02BrRA#/?channel=RESBUY

I think it's a sweet house and I can see it's been done by someone who knows what they're doing. I like it better than most of the bland, blank canvass houses, and I really like a couple of the rooms.....but I'm not sure I'd want to live there.

I honestly dont even know why I’m posting. I just feel like I cant do this anymore.

He’s 13, turned 13 three weeks ago. I know he’s a child and I know how bad this sounds but I hate him. I hate saying that about my own child but I am at the end of my tether and nobody seems to listen when I say how bad things have got.

His dad died when he was 7 and I’ve brought him up on my own since then. I know he’s had a lot to deal with but I cant keep excusing everything because of that. I dont know what else I’m supposed to do.

This morning school sent him home because he was sick. He’s been sick again since he’s been home but he went to sleep for a bit and seems fine now. He asked if he could go out tonight and I said no because he’s been ill and I dont want him going out and then being sick again somewhere. That was it. Apparently I’m picking on him because he’s been ill, I’m always ruining everything and I never let him do anything. He started shouting at me and calling me names. I said I wasnt arguing about it and he got even worse.

He’s shoved past me to get out of the room and shouted that he hopes I die. Just screamed it at me. I honestly dont even know what to say to that anymore. I told him to get away from me and he carried on shouting. Now he’s in his room and I’m downstairs trying to calm down and he’s probably forgotten all about it already.

This is what its like here all the time. I can ask him to do something completely normal and it turns into a massive argument. He calls me a stupid bitch, pathetic, thick, says nobody respects me and that I’m a shit mum. If I get upset he says I’m being dramatic. If I shout back then apparently I’m the one with the problem. He knows exactly what to say to hurt me and sometimes I honestly think he does it on purpose.

I know I let him get away with things. I tell him the xbox is going off and he argues for ages, swearing and following me around the house, and sometimes I just give up and let him carry on because I havent got the energy for another row. Same with his phone. I’ve taken it off him because of things I’ve found on there and then ended up giving it back because I just cant cope with hours of shouting. I know people will say I’m making a rod for my own back and maybe I am but I’m so tired. I cant spend every evening fighting with a 13 year old.

The stuff he says online worries me as well. I’ve seen messages where he’s making really nasty comments about girls at school, mocking their looks and saying things about women being good for one thing. He’s watching these men online who talk about women like they’re worthless and repeating what they say. When I challenge him he tells me I know nothing and girls are just as bad. He doesnt seem to see anything wrong with it. I’ve tried putting restrictions on his phone but he gets round them and then I’m back to another argument.

I have tried asking for help and I honestly feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. He seems to have no limit to how nasty he can be when he’s angry. He’ll say the most horrible thing imaginable and then carry on as if nothing happened. I dont know how I’m supposed to keep dealing with this on my own.

I’ve even thought about ringing social services and saying I dont want him anymore. I havent done it but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. Just saying I cant have him here, I cant do this anymore, someone else needs to take over because I’m done. Then I feel disgusting for even thinking it because he’s my child and he’s only 13. But I genuinely dont know how much longer I can keep living like this. I dont want to abandon him but I also dont know how to help him when nobody seems willing to help us.

I hate what our relationship has become. I dread him coming home sometimes. When he’s out I feel relieved and then feel guilty for feeling relieved. I dont even want to speak to him after what he’s just said to me. I know people will say I’m the adult and I shouldnt feel like this but I’m a person as well and I can only take so much.

I know I’m not perfect and I shout and lose my temper. Sometimes I give in because I just want peace. I’m not proud of it. I just feel like I’ve reached the point where I dont know what to do next.

Hi, can anyone recommend a good pregnancy pillow? I don’t have the biggest bed so something not too big or too expensive. Thank you.

I'd like to get rid of our bath and install a shower cubicle which would free up some much needed storage space in our small family bathroom.

No one in our household has had a bath in years and I feel a shower cubicle would work better for us (me and two adult DC).

The master bedroom already has a small en-suite shower room which DH uses.

But I'm concerned no bath could put people off buying when we sell up in a few years time (5+ years).

Would you be happy buying a house with no bath?

Do you agree?

Dd when she finished her bowl of pomegranate seeds on the sofa asked Dh to go and put it in the kitchen please. Each time this happens or she asks for a drink/snack, he says she should take it back herself etc. I tend to do it mostly for her, she's very independent, always has been, sorts her own school bag, homework, showers etc, but she's still only young and it's not too much that a parent brings her food and drinks, is it?!

Dh and I disagree a little on this

How much do you do for your 8 year old (or around that age)?

We viewed a property that ticks a lot of boxes and is in a great location for us. We'd ideally want a downstairs loo but thought at least there are two bathrooms upstairs.

On viewing however, the en suite is so small it's verging on unusable (used to be a cupboard) and the toilet in there is a macerator. Obviously this was done because the original bathroom and soil stack/sewer is at the opposite side of the house, but it's not something I'd want to live with.

I can't see anywhere obvious where it would be relatively straightforward to have a proper second toilet installed without a great deal of expense and disruption (see floorplan).

Am I right, or is there a possible option I'm missing?

I took the plastic wrap off a head of broccoli this evening and as I started to cut it up, I noticed a white fly in front of my face. I saw another one and I put the broccoli under the kitchen tap to rinse it off. Suddenly more and more tiny white flies started coming out! I couldn't see any on the broccoli but they just kept appearing!

The broccoli is outside now in a tin but I'm still thinking about it. I'm not usually a wimp about food and I've picked out a boiled slug before, discreetly hid it and carried on eating. But this is making me uncomfortable for some reason. There were so many and they just kept coming out.

So what should I do? Can I still cook and eat the broccoli (and tell my kids it's safe to eat)?

YANBU: Stop being sensitive, of course it'll be fine to eat.

YABU: Put it straight into the outside bin.

Conversation about drunk shopping and I mentioned that I once ordered racing sprouts and a sudoku rubiks cube just before Xmas about 18 years ago!

DD is adamant that no one does stuff like that. I need you to help me prove her wrong!

Hi, I’m wondering if people can give their perspectives on this relationship and whether I’m fighting a losing battle.

I’ve been with my partner 5 years. He has DD10 and DS11. They are with us every weekend and on Wednesday evenings.

Currently my partner is running a tennis club on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. These classes are 6pm until 10pm (travel inclusive).

This leaves us with Wednesday as “our time”. I’ve expressed in the past that this doesn’t feel enough for me. But he’s told me that he’s unable to drop the commitment at the tennis club.

At the weekends, his Dds are here. DD10 has SEN and acts younger than her age. I love them both every much, I’ve been in their lives for 4 years. But weekends are full on - either driving to clubs, family days out. They go to bed around 10 meaning we don’t have evenings together either. I accepted this and fully embrace them being here. It does feel nice to feel like part of their family and I can’t fault them, they’re lovely kids.

My issue is that I feel like me and my partner are passing ships.

He’s just told me he intends to join the reserve army? He said training will take place Tuesdays 6:30-9:30.

I’m very hurt. It’s the one day a week I feel we have time to be a couple. I think we’ve lost sight of this and function more as a family unit. I know parents do not have time “off” parenting, but I am a parent’s partner. I did chose to date a man with children and I would never begrudge them being here. They’re only here 3 days a week. But every time they’re not here, DP is out doing his tennis, and now, the reserves. If he joins, it will also mean a weekend away from DDs. He’s said that they’re still welcome to come over, and of course they are, but where’s the consideration for what I want?

I’ve told him I think it will negatively affect our relationship if he maintains his tennis club and army training.. he says I’m controlling. Do you think I am controlling?

My ILs live 4-5h away, up north.

Dh usually wfh everyday except Tuesday, and i wfh on Tuesdays only. Yesterday morning he spontaneously announced he was wfh and going into the office on Wednesday instead, so I decamped all my stuff onto the dining table to let him use the home office corner, and did the drop offs as I usually do on Tuesday. But we got to have lunch together in the local caff which was nice, a rare child free moment together.

This morning I phoned my MIL because I wanted to tell her about something to do with DS, and also check that DH had told her about our Christmas plans. She says "oh he mentioned briefly, but I'll be seeing him later anyway". "What, seeing Ben? Today?" Yes, she says she's just getting on the tube on her way to lunch with him, didn't he mention it? Er, no he didn't... She says she's only in London for lunch. Because she barely gets any time alone with him.

What has thrown me is a) why wouldn't he mention that is mum is doing a lovely but eccentric 9h round trip just to have lunch with him, why keep that a secret and b) we are visiting the ILs for half term soon, so surely lots of opportunities for chats?

I texted dh "why didn't you tell me you were seeing your mum for lunch today" and he replied he didn't want to mention it in front of the kids because they'd be sad not to see Granny themselves. But we had loads of child free time yesterday, and he didn't think to mention it, he just made small talk about diesel and the weather and the Holborn by election. No "oh by the way im seeing my mum tomorrow". If he had, id have replied "ah that's so nice of her, don't forget to mention Christmas".

I feel like they both think that I keep him a prisoner or something? He goes out to see his mates of an evening sometimes, and he has lunch with various people, I never stop him from any of that or even ask questions about who he sees, there was no need to keep it a secret.

I now don't want to go up north for half term, I wish he'd just go alone with the kids if I'm so in the way. But the kids would miss me, DS is only 2.

I'm a bit upset, please talk me out of this, mumsnet

My other half has got a rotten cold and is right in the thick of the blocked-nose stage.!

I fell down a right rabbit hole reading up on it and found a study [ doi.org/10.1183/09031936.03.00047903 ] saying that nasal blockage can mess with breathing during sleep (causing things like apnoea and drops in oxygen). I know that study was about completely blocked noses, but my anxiety has kicked into overdrive worrying about his breathing tonight!!
To make matters worse, he asked me to pop to the shops for some decongestants earlier. It was just before closing and I could have made it if I'd sprinted out, but I messed about and missed it. Now I'm sitting here feeling like a terrible partner, terrified that his oxygen is going to drop or he'll stop breathing in his sleep!! 😥

He’s definitely going to be mouth-breathing tonight.. but his nose isn't 100% sealed shut.
I read somewhere that your nose has little built-in sensors that basically act like a reminder switch for your brain to keep breathing properly. Since he'll be breathing through his mouth, I’m stressing: does even a tiny trickle of air or a little breeze in the room keep those sensors happy even if he'll be breathing through his mouth so his brain doesn't 'forget' what it's doing?

Has anyone else noticed this? I normally have major resting bitch face and have been told by various people I have a very serious and dont talk to me look.
Despite my attempts to ease my face and give off im friendly vibes most people dont come near me. ( I have honestly thought about a she's friendly badge to put on lol)

Over the past week things have changed. People now ask me questions and even try and have small talk ( today at bus stop) Just a general friendly vibe I get from people all over.

I have made one change
Can anyone guess what?

My friend is coming to visit and to stay with me Saturday - Wednesday. We have mutual friends in the area who we will also meet up with together. I go to church on Sunday mornings and it’s important to me so I’d still like to go whenever my friend is staying. AIBU? I don’t know if she’d like to come with me (she’d be welcome to) but she doesn’t have to and I’d be quite happy for her to relax at my house or for her to get the bus somewhere to do her own thing for the morning. It will only be for a couple of hours and then I’ll be home. Would it be ok for me still to go when she’s visiting?

I am due to have my second baby any day now, like with my first I was petrified of having PPH, it turns out I lost 600ml of blood when I had her that’s noted down on my notes which I read through recently but at the time there was no fuss from anyone in the room and I wasn’t aware of anything happening but after reading about, it’s technically classed as a minor PPH with anything above 500ml, I did have a 2nd degree tear too which I’m not sure if that contributed to most of it, I’m so scared of it happening again or worse because I read that if you’ve had one before you’re more likely to have another one and I’ve convinced myself of the worst and it makes me cry and panic whenever I think about not making it home to my first born :( been scared of it since day 1 and I've had my fair few nights of breakdowns over it and it’s quite exhausting I know I can’t control the outcome of birth and if it happens it happens but thinking positive doesn’t last long. Midwife knows about my concerns and she isn’t concerned but I’m wondering why if I had one before it’s not noted down that it was and I need extra monitoring or something…