Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Are you maybe underplaying how you reacted? It would be very weird for HR to be notified for things that unfolded as you have suggested?

I am getting 'Beth' Upton vibes about this bloke....

I disagree. I think it says "I have my reasons but don't wish to discuss them here/with you"

Put under pressure? Intimidated? By some co-worker who had a few wines at a work social event in front of loads of people? No. If the OP is trying to hide a drink problem from their employer or is just very touchy about their alcohol use or non use they need to be a lot more cool about things, learn some basic social skills to deal with people who have had a couple of wines (or maybe just people making the sort of conversation normal people have all the time) and understand the different contexts of assertiveness training, how and when to use etc. and how to modify for different situations.

Aha!

That makes far more sense. He sounds like a tw_t.

It's the intrusiveness and absolute entitlement that because he's stated a wish, women employees are duty-bound to fulfil it.

He’s accusing you of bullying him and ostracizing him?!

When the privileged start losing their privileges, it feels like oppression to them.

This should be an easy one to swat away, OP. You can help HR by feeding them /using some lines which they can her verbatim when they go back to him. “I’ve seen no evidence of bullying here, in fact objectively speaking the accusation might reasonably have been expected to go the other way. They could have been directed at the employee who probed into personal matters and wouldn’t or couldn’t read social cues that such probing was unwelcome. Is it a surprise that I eventually answered unwelcome repeated questions firmly and politely? I’m quite proud of myself for not giving into any more basic instincts, frankly. Perhaps a bit of training might be beneficial?”

Men in HE often think their intellectual achievements are a reflection of their value/worth/standing as an overall human. Women tend to put their achievements into perspective/a wider context, probably because they go home and are reduced to drudgery again after hours. Men will have none of that to deal with (obvs not all men blah blah)

"Manpanderer" LOL

Bottom line, men do not have a right to ask women questions where the answer may be about the woman's reproductive status. He needs to be told that, very firmly. Asking women why they are avoiding any food or drink is intrusive and off limits.

He should not be quizzing men either, but the stakes are higher for women, and if he's over 16 years of age he has no excuse for not knowing that.

Nomas said it before I could.

The OP's update makes the position very clear. It's his behaviour that's being investigated, not hers. And because he asked her an intrusive question he's now dragged her into it as well.

Always interesting how quick some MNetters are to assume women are being unnecessarily combative and aggressive, when they wouldn't bat an eyelid when 'assertive' behaviour is shown by men. Some men - and he is clearly one of them - will not hear the clear answer 'no' when it comes from a woman. There's one of them on this very thread, as they can't resist the temptation to tell women off.

OP, how right you were to leave this event shortly after this exchange. This is evidence of a kind that would be quite difficult to argue with. It makes it quite clear who the aggressor was and who actively tried to avoid the situation.

It’s called feedback. Some people are secure enough to take it on board, others have fragile egos.

She didn"t give a "clear social clue", it is obvious that the OP doesn"t fully get how social clues work.

Why are you so hell bent on protecting his right to keep digging about her choices? Have you read the update. His inappropriate behaviour was brought to the attention of HR and he cried ‘bullied’ and named a few including the OP. He was being a dick.

You need to learn an after work event is actually a work event if HR are there.
Even vaguerly hinting at alcoholism was very ill-advised of you, and you need to get your temper under control- you would not have a flag to HR if you completely kept your temper, you admit you saw red. Another time just say you are allergic, instead inviting being triggered.

The only person who doesn't understand social clues is this man.

It's just that men, on the whole don;t ike women who are assertive. In a man it is seen as a positive character trait, in a woman it is seen as aggresive.

If I was OP I would have been far more "assertive" in my response (and i am HR)

@KeepPumping just to get this cleared and out there, are you indeed a man?

Or does your username refer to using a breast pump for breastfeeding? /s

So basically mimicking male behaviours and body language? Interesting but flawed and so easy to spot, the fact that someone can pick up that these things have been learned undermines the credibility more than anything IMO, what counts is how the person speaks and interacts with others, trying to eliminate female behaviours for some corporate goal is just sad I think and so many young women are turning away from this kind of nonsense. using "power stance" and "powerful eye contact" just isn"t appropriate at a cheese and wine do IMO. Good luck in the meeting, maybe the guy has been annoying more people and you will just be asked for your tuppence worth and no more?

It’s obvious from what she said that she didn’t want to elaborate or share. Even if it wasn’t obvious he could have then just said ‘sorry, you are right, it’s none of my business. What did you think of the food?’

Instead stead he’s dragged her into his DARVO attempt to deflect from the behaviour he has been reported for.

You are part of the problem if you can’t see it.

You have definitely crossed a personal boundary with that question and I am going to raise a complaint with HR in the morning.

And you are an expert because?….

I’d bet good money he’s a man and of the sane ilk as the morin that the OP is up against.

The OP dragged herself into the problem, smart career operators don"t get emotional about nonsense like this.

Bollocks

What is a morin?

What?!! Read the OPs posts. Click ‘see all’ and then I think you should come back and apologise to her.