Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

I would have a well thought out response if it is you being picked up on it.

My first thought was actually that someone else reported him. It's not professional to push someone on why they aren't drinking (I'm sober so I don't overly love people pushing me on the whys either - though I have stock phrases ready).

I would, if it happens to be you being complained about, push back his lack of professionalism in pushing the why.

I suspect it's either him, or both of you getting a quiet word and that will be the end of the matter.

I can't see what you've said that is unprofessional. You explained to this man why the question was inappropriate. That could be viewed as extending. professional courtesy to a colleague so that he doesn't go around offending clients.
Stand your ground , OP.

So when is your meeting with HR?

I think you need a better line because your initial line is a bit odd and does invite more questions in a way. Perhaps "I need to drive later" would be better.

However it sounds like a storm in a teacup. See what HR think happened and apologise for your tone but don't accept any sort of warning.

Write a counter complaint against the person saying you felt pressured and harassed into drinking alcohol -

well yeah you could have been pregnant and not wanted to say

or you could be an alcoholic so you can't drink anymore

whatever the reason is - you don't have to say or answer when someone asks - it was none of his business and he could have put someone in an awkward position with that question

I'd just keep it factual. He shouldn't have kept asking, you were probably a bit overly snippy in response. But it won't go any further than that IMHO

Sadly we have far too much HR in this country and people love shit stirring and running off to them.

I think it sounds like he was unprofessional. It’s unprofessional to push someone or even ask someone why they are not drinking alcohol on a work event. I do drink alcohol, but not when out with work and I have never had anyone asking why. There are lots of people who don’t drink where I work.

He was in the wrong for the intrusive question. Any adult knows there are often sensitive or upsetting reasons why people don’t drink. Or not. It’s none of his business.

You responded to his first intrusive question politely and in such a way that anyone with a modicum of social awareness and professionalism would have understood was a gracious “mind your own business”.
He did not mind his business. He tried to get into yours. In front of other colleagues. We can’t know whether this came from a place of rudeness, aggression or an attempt to humiliate you. Perhaps he just doesn’t understand appropriate social clues but all that really happened was that you took a terse tone with a man who persisted in asking you an inappropriate question. You stood your ground with him. I think you can do it with HR.
I also think it’s fine to admit that you let your irritation show - as long as you stress that you only did that the second time he was inappropriate.

Everyone here may be sucking up to you, but I think you're underplaying your own attitude. Just him going to HR would not have caused this, clearly other people heard it and agreed with him that you were over the line. Judging by the fact you "saw red" over an innocuous comment tells all.

Some people are shockingly dim I find

Just look perplexed and say you assumed it was HIS unprofessional behaviour (in putting you on the spot in front of colleagues as to why you might not drink) that they wanted to discuss.

I don't drink alcohol either, and also hate when people don't get that vague answers = I don't want to talk about it. But I don't understand your anger towards his question. I'd think he's a stupid plonker for not being able to come up with reasons why people choose not to drink himself, but I would have no issue with listing some general reasons as to why people don't drink.

"Well, Brian, people choose not to drink for many reasons, actually. Religion, health, medication, allergies, alcoholism recovery, or they simply don't like the taste or effect of alcohol".

Maybe it wasn’t the ‘little shit’, maybe it was someone else who witnessed the OPs tirade? Maybe it was more than one person?

Sorry, that "should" at the end of my post should have been a "shouldn't"!

It sounds to me like you did absolutely nothing wrong, and nothing the other person needed to go running to HR about. (Sorry, yes I did assume it was a man but the point would be the same if it were a woman). Some people just don't like being treated firmly when they've crossed a line, people who normally get away with it generally. Meh, it's a them problem, not a you problem. As evidenced by the fact they've made a big deal of it.

I rarely drink.
I’d have just answered because I don’t want to’ and moved off. You didn’t need to flounce

‘Intriguing, like what reasons’ may have been very dim but it definitely didn’t warrant you trying to power stance him with all this slow, patronising forthrightness.

You definitely saw red over something innocuous, and I say that as someone in recovery who hates being asked why I don’t drink.

hope it blows over quickly.

What's unprofessional about this? The guy is a prick to be frank, reporting you to HR about getting a patronising reply to a question he had no right to push you on.

You work with muppets OP.

OK so my guess is you have read this wrong. I imagine another colleague has complained on your behalf that this person put you in this position? I have had it drilled in time and time again never ever to ask why a person isn't drinking alcohol. It was obviously him who was in the wrong, and I bet it's him that's the subject of the complaint and HR are giving you an opportunity to pursue the complaint formally?

Urgh @DrLoveHandlesthis is a hot topic for me right now so I may be a bit over-reactive myself, but why do people feel so threatened when others don’t drink? It’s weird and annoying. I’m fed up of spending time around boring pissed people who repeat themselves ad infinitum, think they’re so much more fun because they’ve drunk too much and just basically spent the night shouting “waheey” every three minutes like that’s the wittiest thing ever, tell me I’m a buzzkill for not wanting to do the same, and are then totally fucking useless and whiny the next day and just sit around eating toast and watching crap on Netflix.

The guy was being a twat and should have used a bit of common sense and discretion. Involving HR is ridiculous, but as they’re already involved I’d be considering a counter-complaint about his intrusiveness.

If even one person complains to HR, even with no grounds, they have to respond.

While I think the OP went too far, I'm surprised people are suggesting she should have made up an excuse!

I would have done a "Haha! What?! That's a bit of a personal question! 😁"

Why didn’t she need to 'flounce'? Is it because women should be kind no matter what? Fuck that!

When someone asks a question but does get the answer they want, they shouldn't be pushing for another answer. And if they do they should expect to be told off or met with hostility.