Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Hmm, but I'm sure the course wouldn't have told you to be patronising.

To be honest, neither of you comes out well from this. He perhaps should have been less intrusive. You, on the other hand, were aggressive, and a patronising confrontational style might be seen as bullying behaviour.

Passive aggressive interventions have no place in leadership, and I'm saying this as a qualified and experienced professional coach. Just apologise, take this as a learning experience, and move on.

I don't understand why you didn't give a reason. It's a conversation gambit - a bit heavy handed but that's all it is. Presumably it was either because you don't like alcohol, were driving or were going on somewhere and didn't want to drink alcohol beforehand or maybe you might be pregnant. The first three are acceptable answers to the question, the fourth you would, of course, keep to yourself.
Are you usually this touchy?

I’m not questioning whether you’re right or not on a legal pov. I’m pretty sure you are.

But I’m funding.
So someone comes and asks you a really inappropriate question and, as a woman, you’re supposed … to be meek, pleasant, not standing up but making yourself small as to not offend poor James who can’t cope to be put back to his place.

I am sure if the OP was a man
1- tge guy wouldn’t have made a comment
2- the guy wouldn’t have reported it
3- 3- and if he had, it would have been assumed to be assertive rather than confrontational/over the top.

I'd genuinely assume someone answering the initial question with "Oh, you know, reasons" was trying to be a bit mysterious and wanted to be asked again. It doesn't read as a polite brush off to me, in my circles anyone answering with "reasons" would both be expecting and want a follow up question.

I'm surprised this is with HR though, just sounds like a misunderstanding. Can't see it going anywhere more than a warning (probably for both of you, him about being careful with personal questions and you for seeing red and potentially overreacting).

HR will probably ask you what happened, so tell them from beginning to end in your own words. Also tell them that your stance and tone whilst dealing with his inappropriate behaviour were what you had learned on the assertiveness coaching course they sent you on for female leaders.

Also tell them that his comments were intrusive and completely out of order, and if it had happened during working hours, you would have reported him yourself. Could be worth mentioning that you are still considering that option.

There is of course a chance that you weren't reported to HR, but that another colleague reported him instead, and that's why they want to talk to you.

Folding money says "academia", based on username and attitude of man.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Telling someone why you aren’t drinking when they keep asking can be as patronising as you like. It’s not in work, they can’t tone police you.

I would definitely use your training to spin this...

I was confronted by this person, they refused to take no for an answer and I employed the techniques I was taught on the course, be firm, inform, advise of the correct approach in this situation and do no apologise.

It seems this person has taken offense to my manner of responding because it did not fot with his gendered expectations of my behaviour and when his methods of extracting compliance from me did not result in his desired outcome, he has resorted to calling out my behaviour so that I will comply in the future, perhaps he needs some training in professional communication and ingrained assumptions on gender behaviours.

Or.. well, I am surprised that someone reported X's behaviour, because it really was quite unprofessional but I thought my response was exactly in line with the training I received and while it did overshadow my evening resulting in my early departure, I didn't see that it was sufficiently serious to involve your department but maybe there are other things in play here of which I am unaware.

Correct. Rotten to the bloody core.

I agree with this.

What is his role?
Who else was there?
How much had he had to drink?

He pushed you for an answer to a private question and you provided it. It sounds like he was the one being unprofessional.

MF. So old twat angry that a woman declined to play the correct role for him.

She doesn't need to "explain better". She doesn't need to explain at all. It's none of his business.

Honestly when you've had nosey people pushing you for answers you really get fed up of it. Why would anyone need it want to know, does anyone ever push you for an answer about why you've chosen red wine instead of white or a lager instead of a coke? I bet they don't or if they do it's rare.

I have no idea why you think the OP would or should get a warning. He needs a warning and advice about appropriate behaviour.

I’d make detailed notes of the timings of the event, what you said as far as possible and take those with you.

As others have said its an inappropriate approach to challenge someone on not drinking and as long as you were factual and non aggressive just tell them what happened, keeping it calm in your meeting.

Perhaps your answer has led HR to be concerned for you and they also want to ensure alcohol isn’t an issue for you? From a duty of care perspective?

This is why many firms are now reducing staff events with alcohol as it does cause problems.

Exactly this.

FFS OP shouldn't have to justify why she's not drinking alcohol. Her initial answer made it crystal clear it was not up for further discussion but the moron colleague moroned anyway and made OP uncomfortable enough that she left the reception.

He was annoyed you gave him a telling off and now he’s crying to HR? Weirdo.

Or she might be a recovering alcoholic.

She shouldn't be put in a position where she has lie about being pregnant or in recovery. The end.

I was taught at Guides in my teens never to apologise for not drinking, never to explain it because an explanation is a form of apology if you think about it, and never to ask why someone isn't drinking.

being patronising to anyone is a thoroughly unpleasant overreaction - you could have said anything like “I don’t fancy it” or “I’m driving” but instead you wanted to be a bitch about it

That one doesn’t work for me -
im usually drink alcohol free cider as I love the taste 😂

He was drinking alcohol, you weren't. Who's judgement and behaviour is likely to have been impaired? It may be worth presenting that question when meeting with HR. What a shame you were put in the position of having to be forthright. Are you accused of "being a bully"? Being forthright does not make that the case. Good luck.

It might have been quicker just to say "I'm a pregnant, Muslim, recovering alcoholic on antibiotics and antidepressants" but it's done now. Assume that someone else has complained about his unprofessional behaviour and breeze into your meeting.

Spot on

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Make a formal complaint about him asking you personal questions and going to Hr when you didn’t give him an answer

Following simply to see the outcome of this as I can't believe it's even an issue that's been taken to HR and if there is any other outcome other than OP completely cleared and the dickhead man given a warning about inappropriate questions/behaviour then I'll be furious on your behalf OP.
I think you handled yourself perfectly, you attempted to politely dodge the inappropriate question and when pushed you stated the reasons why it was inappropriate, many of us if we are being honest would not be able to do this or handle it half as well and I'm sorry this happened to you but grateful for you posting as I now have the answer on how to deal with this the next time I'm in this situation instead of either answering with personal information i didn't want to give or mumbling something and feeling embarrassed and awkward when I really shouldn't as that's what the person asking should feel!