Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

My partner has always worked in the car industry, so mostly blokes, and he does have a laugh at some of the things I mention which people get offended and complain about at work. He says I should listen to the average team call they have.

You don't sound in the wrong to me op, go in there with your heald held high
State you didn't swear ir raise your voice and you'd already been a polite rebuffed but he acted unprofessionally pushing it

Stick up for yourself and good luck

Ahhhh. In other words, you weren't sufficiently feminine. Been there, had that.

Surely answering a silly question in a patronising way isn't an HR matter unless it's done consistently and when there is no need (eg to a reasonable question). Standing with your legs apart, not smiling, not making eye contact, is fine surely

I'm not in the corporate world.

I’m going to say that I’m pregnant with triplets (50). 😂

Of course it's possible that someone has told HR you must be pregnant because you were drinking orange juice and refused to say why!

You’re missing the point.
OP shouldn’t have to come up with something. It’s no one’s business why she wasn’t drinking. The real reason could be quite personal and it’s gets tedious.
I was asked repeatedly by a hen I didn’t know very well on a Hen Do. After her repeated asking I turned to her and said “I am on anti depressants and alcohol makes me feel much worse”. No shame in taking them of course, but it’s not something many people share with those they don’t know very well. She did have the grace to just nod and move on.

This 1000%.

And that'd be the very last after-work reception I'd ever attend.

He sounds dreadful, even more so because he’s made a complaint. I’d go in prepared to calmly explain why you get frustrated with being asked personal questions by colleagues. This is a good reason not to go to after work drinks, and certainly for HR to discourage any mandated or team activities where alcohol is involved.

Good luck.

He was rude by not accepting your initial response. There are many reasons people don't want to drink. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic and manages all social situations successfully while not drinking. If pressed like your colleague did to you it could be triggering depending how she is feeling. He didn't know you or your history with alcohol. You could be pregnant and not want it broadcast to all present.
He should be called to a meeting to explain why he pressed you to expand on your answer while not having a clue of your personal circumstances.

"Harrassed" is a good word to use. He was being a jerk at the time and even more of a jerk for reporting that he got taken down a peg.

Indeed. Maybe the Op should make a complaint to HR about the little shit not respecting boundaries.

Sounds like you hurt his feefees and he didn't like it.

Seems silly all round. Anyone asking why you are not drinking is a dick. He was a bigger dick for pursuing it. You were odd to ‘see red’ over it. Most of my (adult) kids don’t drink and it’s very common for them to be asked why not, and they don’t flip out over it, they just respond they don’t drink and just politely repeat that if people keep on.

I so sympathise. Life long teetotaler and I get sick of the questions. I worked in police admin in the 70s 80s, big drinking culture back then. I got so sick of it at every party, leaving do etc. in the end I started saying I was a recovering alcoholic and I'd appreciate their support in my struggles. They eventually stopped asking but it's so rude, I'd never dream of asking why they felt the need to drink alcohol.

I don’t think you overreacted. Are we ignoring the inference when someone comments on your not drinking? It’s putting you in the position of admitting or denying that you’re pregnant. You could lie and say you’re on antibiotics but the reason people shouldn’t ask is because there are a number of personal issues that it could be and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself.

Your colleague sounds like a massive cry baby. Since when can you not take a ticking off without running to HR.
Pathetic.
I would have reacted differently to your answer. If you had said "oh reasons" to me I would have assured you that I was only making conversation and honestly could not give a flying f£%% what they were, and just leave you hugging your orange juice.

It's a personal private question often related to health so was intrusive to ask. You explained why. Short unelaborate answers with HR always.

Perhaps he's problematic and someone has complained about him to ease him out. Be prepared for bizarre office politics and careful not to be used.

He's a nosy Parker who has also disproportionately reacted to your reaction by complaining HR. He must have been stupid not to have notice you were both angry and upset.

I doubt a wise HR manager , once they have heard both sides, will want to take either on this one, Hopefully you will both simply be told that it was overaction to a too personal question and to be more circumspect in future.. A full blown investigation involving interviewing ' witnesses' would seem equally over the top.

If you are by any chance in early stages of pregnancy you may hold a trump card if it gets out of hand..

Charities are surprisingly toxic

I'd go on the attack. Stress that if someone was struggling with alcohol, his intrusive ness could have been very upsetting. That he's not entitled to explanations from people and he was very rude.

People should never ask people's reasons for not drinking. Many of reasons are likely to be personal and / or sensitive - religion, pregnancy, illness - and could be closely linked in protected characteristics.

I definitely ageee with advice to go in prepared to explain why the other person acted inappropriately and unprofessionally and how this impacted you enough to feel you needed to leave the event soon afterwards and hold your ground calmly.

can you take a colleague for support?

I never drink and usually say I'm not thirsty if asked.

I would’ve, and have in the past, taken a more direct approach;

Why aren’t you drinking?
Because I don’t want to

I think “oh, you know, reasons” then some people may be intrigued by that.

Not me, I’d just go “ok, whatever”:

TBH, seeing red because someone asked you to expand on “oh, you know, reasons” seems a bit OTT.