Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

And some people fly off the handle and are unnecessarily confrontational at what they perceive to be a slight or a mild annoyance that most people would shrug off (or have an inner eye roll at)

😂😂😂😂

These kind of questions are also sexist because only women may have a pregancy-related reason for not drinking. I'm really surprised that an employer would take umbrage with you explaining all the many reasons you don't ask something like that. I think they were rude, regardless of your tone. I would lean on sex-based discrimination if necessary.

Sometimes people think they are 'forthright' in action or words, but actually it can come across as aggressive or rude or even both.

Not saying you were - no one can be sure without being there tbh - but I can see how someone could have seen a 'forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc) as aggressive or rude in a variety of situations.

Having led many of these cases, I would also think it’s the above.

Usually, and your company’s process may differ, the person who the complaint is about doesn’t have any warning or pre-agreed time, they can be pulled whenever for their initial statement, and it’s wise to talk to them first as they may just admit what happened, much easier to close the case this way.

It’s cases where further investigation is required where witnesses may be called and they are more likely to be scheduled, depending on their availability. So it sounds like you could be a witness.

It would be rather brazen of the person that asked you the question to have made a complaint as likely they wouldn’t want to draw attention to the interaction, I’d say it’s more likely the complaint is about them.

I would not worry, unless you swore or abused them or left big parts of what happened out, it doesn’t sound like a case that would go under gross misconduct for you.

You could actually say you find the topic upsetting and explain why, it could be a mitigating factor.

This!
We teach little children in Reception that if someone annoys you, you walk away.
Perhaps OP was absent that day.

What's the difference between "forthright and patronising" and "clear and direct"?

The gender of the speaker.

I'm absolutely not blaming you for having internalised male attitudes to women who do not take any shit, but please do not tell HR you were forthright and patronising. You were clear and direct about why his first question was inappropriate and his second was completely unacceptable to a colleague.

I would never ask a colleague why they were not drinking, and would never ask the second question to one of my best mates. If someone is pregnant, a recovering alcoholic or on specific medicine my mates will tell me if they want me to know and I have zero right to ask such personal questions of a colleague.

You need to go into the meeting with HR in an equally clear and direct manner and point out they should be giving colleague a warning if anyone gets one. It's not the job of women in the workplace to ease the lives of men who don't know how to interact socially.

I’d smile, tilt my head slightly and politely express surprise that you work in an organisation where a women would be considered unprofessional for challenging the uninvited and intrusive questions from a man.

I don’t drink and my stock response is “for reasons that only I need to know”.

And yes, I do get asked all the time and yes, I do love leaving people wondering for ages what that could be.

Too personal for me to explain and o couldn’t give a shiney rats arse if they assume I’m a recovering alcoholic! (I’m not)

Caught from his mum 🤭

If somebody came to me with this I would be instigating a conversation with this man about his unprofessional behaviour. It is completely inappropriate to comment on whether somene is consuming alcohol or not and certainly to keep on about it.

I would not be surprised if another member of the group has reported him. Im
not saying your response was right necessarily but he was completely inappropriate in pointing out you not drinking. I mean, that’s actually something that comes into our workplace training these days.

But that’s exactly how the OP did answer, by the sound of it

OP, I would turn up to this meeting under the impression that your colleague’s behaviour is under investigation, and that HR are trying to get ahead of the complaint you are likely to make about his intrusive personal questions, possibly pertaining to private medical information, at a work event. If they inform you that the complaint has come from him, time to get on your very high horse.

Dear god! I don’t drink. If asked why I tell the truth. I don’t like anything I’ve tried so far. I have the gene that makes wine taste like vinegar.

couldn’t you have have come up with anything? Next time anyone asks me I’ll tell them I am pregnant. (I’m mid 60s)

I can’t believe much will come of this and I’m surprised he’s bothered to complain. That may depend on though on how you really came across rather then how you perceive you came across.
Why didn’t you just say ‘oh, I’ve never liked it’ and left it at that. Your response feels unnecessarily combative.

Of course a single person making a complaint would trigger HR looking into it. It doesn't have to be multiple people at all. You're jumping to some massive conclusions there.

OP I don't know how formal the request from HR was but it sounds likely to be just a fact finding conversation that is unlikely to lead to anything more than a minor telling off.

Are you saying you're regularly getting bullied at work for not drinking? If so, that would certainly be relevant.

"It's a combination of things, really: antibiotics, an unexpected pregnancy, and celebrating 3 months sober. Alhamdulillah."

Jesus Christ is this what people complain about in the corporate world.

I work in something totally different and one of my subordinates called me a cunt a few weeks ago. HR are still sitting on it. Different worlds

All my adult life I've been asked why I don't drink, and I'm so sick of it. Why are we such a nation of alcoholics?

I just tell people "because I don't like the taste" and that is the truth. I can't stand the taste of alcohol. I'd rather have a J20 or Schloer. If they carry on annoying me "oh you're missing out" etc, I just say "sure, OK" and move on.

It's a really boring and stupid question. No idea why your colleague was "intrigued". He must have nothing going on in his life. And to report you to HR? What a loser he is.

Thank you! You're absolutely right.

My stance and tone were actually drilled into me at a coaching course I went on for female leaders. There we learnt about the importance of strong body language, eye contact etc.
So HR only have themselves to blame really 😅

I wouldn't admit to being patronising and I'd just say you were assertive in the face of an intrusive and inappropriate question. I'm sick of men thinking they can control the narrative when they don't like a woman standing up for herself. Good luck, @DrLoveHandles .

Your reason for not drinking alcohol is none of his business. Nosy and unwarranted under any circumstances. I'm glad to hear you didn't answer his questions. HR will probably want your side of his confrontation with you.

Whilst you probably could have explained better or responded differently, I agree it is totally frustrating when people pry as to why you arent drinking.
Not only is it totally insensitive to a female who may be pregnant and concealing, you are looked at like an alien sometimes. I usually reply with "i dont need alcohol to enjoy myself". That usually does it. In the last few years the market for non alcoholic drinks has improved massively too, so back to drinking a refreshing rekorderlig is just 👌