Called to HR for behaviour at an after-work event. Thoughts, please...

[DrLoveHandles]

Name changed because this is potentially outing.

I was at an after-work reception last week. There was mingling. I mingled into a group of four colleagues. All were holding wine. I was holding orange juice.

One of the colleagues - different department, never met him before - asked "Why aren't you drinking?"
I kind of waved my hand, said "Oh, you know, reasons" and laughed. I believe this made it clear I didn't want to discuss the matter without making things awkward.
The guy then said "Intriguing, like what reasons?"

I saw red. I basically listed all the reasons why someone mightn't be drinking alcohol and told him it was inappropriate to ask. I didn't shout or swear and I wasn't overtly aggressive. But my tone was patronising and I took a very forthright kind of stance (unblinking eye contact, standing at full height, no smiles etc.). I didn't give him time to reply, I excused myself from the group and went home shortly afterwards.

Today I got an email from my line manager asking me for a meeting with her and HR people to discuss what went on. Apparently, its a matter of unprofessional behaviour.

I'm not in a union.

I've never had any dealings with HR before. I'd be really grateful to hear anyone's thoughts on this situation. I mean anything - what might happen? What I should do to prepare etc?

Just say you have no idea what they're on about .. maybe they were drunk and imagined the whole thing. One of the reasons you don't drink during professional engagements .. to avoid nonsense.

Unsure if you're aware, but it isn't intrusive when someone answers a question enigmatically to ask again, she could have simply said she does not want to talk about it.
It's quite clear the person thought she was making an enigmatic comment at first because as OP says she even laughed about it at first. You are way overreacting here.

There are now back-and-forth emails trying to find a time🙄
Its looking like Friday

True! Felt intimidated by a woman asserting herself, poor lamb.

Asking someone, who you don't know, why they're not drinking IS intrusive. Learn some manners.

He should be embarrassed he went to HR, the dickhead. Clearly didn't enjoy being shown up by a woman, after he tried to wheedle private information out of her.

Doesn't sound like you did anything at all. Whereas the colleague was clearly being offensive or at least highly personal by implying you might be pregnant or an alcoholic, or was pressurising you to drink alcohol. If anyone is in the wrong they are.

Gosh - if I was this guy and you responded this way (somewhat overreaction) I would have apologised profusely having recognised my question was inappropriate.

I think you should say sorry but that his question was inappropriate

My take on it would be that the unprofessional behaviour was his.

You really aren't supposed to ask someone why they aren't drinking, it is seriously bad manners. It could simply be that you are teetotal, but on the other hand you might be a recovering alcoholic or pregnant, neither of which you are going to want to reveal to all and sundry at an after-work do.

He was downright crass and rude to ask.

But what if she doesnt have to drive later?

Not only should she not have to lie to answer a question that he shouldn't have asked in the first place but if he then sees her getting the train or she was having a lift with one of the other colleagues it will just raise more questions and either make her look like a fibber or as if she has something to hide! Not to mention it errs on judgement given at least some of the people there were also probably going to drive (but thought that one glass would be fine).

Same with the suggestion about antibiotics that another poster made. While OP could have potentially answered in a way that was less likely to invite responses (I.e.just shrugged or "because I'm not") ultimately it shouldn't be on her to make up a reason because he should never have asked the question to begin with, and then should have taken the hint the first time she gave him a non-answer.

The more I think about it the more im annoyed on your behalf OP. The original issue is annoying but excusable - after work mingling can be awkward, perhaps he thought he was bantering and said something that was a bit silly.

But if it is him that has reported you to HR that is so utterly pathetic and ridiculous it would be that that escalated the whole thing for me.

In fact Id probably go in assuming that the inappropriate behaviour complained about was someone complaining about him and be all "well personally I wouldn't have escalated it to HR but Im glad someone else agrees his question was deeply inappropriate."

then if it turns out it is him complaining about you would really query that - might even talk about making a contra- complaint about a man trying to bully a woman into being compliant by making a formal complaint just because she wasnt nice to him. It would obviously be a completely different scenario if you had been rude or aggressive or whatever but to escalate to HR just because someone was a bit forthright with you is in itself inappropriate behaviour for a professional!

My response for inappropriate questions:

I don't mind you asking impertinent personal questions so long as you don't mind my not answering them Ok?

With a sharp rising inflexion on the OK as though you were addressing an annoying child.

Guaranteed conversation stopper.

I disagree. Him going to HR might well have caused it. We have no idea what he said. It's probably just an investigation, they heard what he said happened and now they want to get your side of the story.

At the beginning of the meeting, they should tell you the purpose of the meeting and what procedure they are following. If they don't, I suggest you ask them to clarify.

I was 'forthright' in my stance

Others might not see it that way

Yeah the colleague was inappropriate in pressing you on the question but HR are going to be more bothered about how you responded.

I really hate it when people press me on personal matters. If I have already given a vague 'non answer' and they do not get the hint the next response usually goes like this.

Colleague - "Intriguing, like what reasons?"
Me - "Sorry, please bear with me a moment"...walks off.

I think this colleague was nosey and impolite. If you are nosey enough to ask why someone isn’t drinking, you need to get the hint when they don’t want to tell you. Going to HR over someone being standoffish sounds like overkill.

But I do think you could’ve made up something vague and moved on instead of having a rant

How odd. The majority of people I know don’t drink - I don’t - and those that do could easily have a soft drink because they fancied it. He was way out of order. I perhaps would have shown the orange juice and said, “I am drinking.”

I’ve never had this ‘drilled into me’. What field do you work in, alcoholics anonymous?

Can you explain what you mean by this, please?

From the way you have described the scenario, I would absolutely assume this is a complaint somebody made about him, not OP.

@DrLoveHandles try to not get too worried. This will be a simple information gathering exercise. Something has been reported to HR, they need to establish everyone's version of events. Don't over explain, don't apologise just report. Write down exactly your version of events, try to remember details like who was around you etc in case they want to verify.

Agree.
If it was a regular night out with friends where everyone always has a drink then it might be a reasonable question, but from someone who doesn’t know you, in a professional setting…he seems immature and ignorant.

Or maybe instead of feeling obliged to answer OP should have said 'non of your business' because it was an inappropriate question for a collegue to ask!
I would say to HR that just that as it was completely inappropriate to ask and yes you may have overreacted a little due to this but how did they want you to reply ... put it back on them.

I can unfortunately. I deal with all of the delights that fall under “employee relations” work in my day job. It’ll be because the little shit feels embarrassed, and is deflecting the fact he was the one who poured the petrol on the fire in the situation. I expect he’s spoken to people about what happened ever since, and someone has thought it was a good idea to convince him to, “get in early before she reports you.” I’ve seen this sort of thing happen so many times before.

With luck whoever is dealing with it from an HR perspective will see this for what it is. You shouldn’t even receive a verbal warning based on the info you’ve given.

I think you ought to say that even though others have complained about him making intrusive and persistent questioning you’re not sure it falls into ‘unprofessional behaviour’ and that you’re not thinking of complaining.

😉

There are now back-and-forth emails trying to find a time🙄
Its looking like Friday
Hopefully its just storm in a teacup.and it'll blow over but what a prat that guy is!

You should have said you were on antibiotics because you had chlamydia