Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

Its a hard description but human beings do what works and that goes double for little human beings...and what she is doing is working.
Sorry OP but I don't think you can fix this.

I think this is spot on. Why force a child to eat something they don’t like. It’s almost like you enjoy controlling her. I think it creates an unhealthy relationship with food. Why does there need to be a treat after dinner? Just let her have an apple or something.. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I think I’d be unhappy if someone snapped at me „iPad away, I need you to get your jumper and listen to me“. Try and be a more gentle (there’s a huge gulf between your cold approach and getting her jumper for her) or take yourself out of the equation and look after your own child. Let her father deal with her and side-step the conflict.

She is so little OP and she has multiple sets of adults in her life, all with their own personalities and own rules - her mum, her dad, you, her mums partner - and she’s trying/ expected to keep up with how every individual adult expects her to behave. It is not her fault her parents divorced and not her fault that she is forgetting who is the adult with the relaxed rules, who is the adult with the stricter rules etc. Try and show some compassion OP, she’s one little girl dealing with 4 fully grown adults, each with their own method of parenting / caring for her. That could understandably get very overwhelming.

OP, you sound reasonable in how you treat your DSD. Your partner and his ex soft approach appears to be the cause of your DSD's behaviour. There's nothing much you can do to change DSD's behavior and her opinions about you. The parents can. Assuming DSD's mum is not going to change anything. Only your partner can change his approach to help DSD. That said, as a PP pointed out, the poor parenting has gone on for so long, this ex-family is ruined. DSD has already shown manipulative behavior, if she is not getting proper help, her behaviour is only going to get worse. OP, are you willing to sacrifice your time, energy, headspace, happiness, money, opportunities, future, all this to support your partner to face an unfixable situation that is not your problem in the first place but blamed it on you?
By all means, talk with your partner and leave all the parenting to him. Disappear when DSD is at the house. Don't do any parenting nor help her with family life. Or live separate with your partner but together.
The ability to parent is akin to the ability to work, earn money or support the family in other ways. Your partner does not parent well. You will not choose a partner that's doesn't work hard while you work so hard, would you? If I were you, I would leave the partner. Leaving a 5 year happy relationship is sad, but entering the following tens of years of misery to deal with his daughter and his ex would be suffering with eyes wide open.
You have your own happiness and also your daughter's happiness to consider. You can demonstrate to your daughter that you can exercise boundaries. You can find another partner. If not, a happy single life is better than miserable couple life.

“Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.
Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them.”

sorry, OP, am I reading this right that you actively undermined her parents continuing to have a friendly co-parenting relationship?? That you weren’t happy with her having the opportunity to spend time with both of her parents at once?? If so, bloody hell. Not surprised she doesn’t like you.

I thought the same. She sounds like she’ll be a right little madam.

Op and dp needs to put in the groundwork now, so when dc becomes a teen, the rules have been established, such as putting clothes in the wash, not heaving plates out, keeping your room tidy. It’s all very well saying that the parenting should be left to dp, but op lives in the house as well, and shouldn’t have to live with a rude, messy teen. We all know that if it’s left up to dp, then dc will get away with things.

Given what you've described I would say your behaviour sounds fine and that this is all about her relationship with her mum, although step-daughter will likely not realise or be able to understand this as its very complex.

Mum sounds like she may have some mental health issues/unhealthy dynamics that stepdaughter cannot help but absorb. You can only do so much, as the influence of her mum in her life is huge in the first place, plus mum is also setting the parameters for how she views her relationship with you and dad.

I would stay stable and firm but always kind and forgiving. Never say or insinuate anything that mum has said might be bollocks, as it will feel like an attack on her. Say nice things about her mum only.

Ultimately dad needs to step up here and be in charge of the situation in a way that helps and clearly directs things. Years of having her own way wasn't any good for her and will have contributed massively to her issues. Maybe they should sit down as a family (her and him, only you too if things are going well) and have a frank chat about expectations of each other when at your house. Acknowledge that it must be genuinely hard for her to live at two houses with two different sets of expectations, but that she's old enough now to have her say listened to and for you to all be accountable to each other. Then make some ground rules for everyone, supernanny style, so she doesn't feel like the only one having demands made of her. Probably add in that mum is so important in her life and it's important to you guys to help her have a nice relationship there and that you don't want to do anything to make her feel torn, you're both there to support her and never come between.

Dad should also probe a bit to find out how it is for her when you ask her to get a jumper etc. Whats going on in that interaction that feels like it's a problem and why. And what would she think would work better etc. She might not have answers (and she might have answers that have to be shut down) but getting her thinking about why she feels a particular thing and whether she's right or just reacting is important.

This is definitely a hard but manageable situation, but it's dad that will have to dig deep and do something about it if he wants a good outcome for his daughter. Dealing with it well before the teen years would make a world of difference to her life imo.

It sounds as though you have really tried very hard to positively parent your step daughter. It is such a shame that your efforts are so unappreciated. She obviously has been allowed to get away with murder. Wanting to eat sweets instead of dinner and not bothering to collect her own jumper or tidy up after herself. She will end up fat, lazy and spotty if her parents carry on with such neglectful parenting.

Nobody is ripping OP to shreds over vegetables. Of course OP's rules are good and I'm sure her DD is a lovely young lady being brought up this way, but DSD is not her DD. She has a mum. I have no doubt that OP had the best intentions but unfortunately this is pearls before swine.

The issue here is OP trying to parent a child that is not hers. Stepparents don't parent, unless ex wife dies and DSD now lives in your house permanently. If a child already has two parents raising her, she doesn't need a third one. I agree that DP needs to step up and start parenting his own child instead of dumping responsibility on OP. He also needs a long calm conversation with her mum to establish a common parenting strategy. Even if there are rules in OP's house, but the mum continues making the same mistakes with DSD, poor girl will just be confused and alienated further. Her mum needs to wake up and smell the coffee

I feel incredibly sorry for your DD. Also a step child, also spending time with a shit dad and his offspring. You DSDs mum is now controlling your home and your DDS. Remember that everything you did has ceased since January. It's not enough for his ex, i would love to hear YOUR daughters views on her stepdad and stepdd. I would tell your DP that hes weak. It's not about vegetables, you ain't telling her anything anymore. Its about him paying happy families and then shitting on you and your DD.

The information is in the 2nd paragraph of the OP's first post. Try reading an entire post before you comment. Some people are fucking ridiculous on here, they don't even read the 1st post.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time

Maybe she's getting rewarded and attention from mum when she's telling her tales . DH needs to take control day thankyou for telling ex partner but what happens in my house is during my time with DD is none of your business . He needs to make it clear that your household runs differently to hers . Your DH also needs to decide what the boundaries are for you in and SD and you should stick by them . If SD still doae t want to stay and Id tell her that's fine and make other arrangements for her to see dad alone . Not your circus not your monkeys op .

You're never going to win here OP.

Your partner acknowledges that him and his ex wife have been too soft with their daughter. He knows the boundaries you are putting in place are 'normal', you aren't asking his daughter to do anything out the ordinary.

Of course your step-daughter dislikes you, you're upsetting her boundary free life!! She can't get away with certain behaviours with you, like she can her parents and is essentially pissed off about it!!

Your step-daughter turns the water works on when your partner starts asking her questions about the situation and then punishes him for doing so by refusing to see him. Children are not stupid, they are apt at using whatever methods work to get their own way....she has your partner and Mum dancing to her tune.

You can't make your step-daughter speak to your husband. You can't make your partner's ex see sense. Your only option is to completely back off. You do absolutely zero for your step-daughter. No washing, no cooking, no parenting. You leave your step-daughter to your partner. In fact for some of her contact time, I wouldn't even be there. Go out with friends etc. The only time I would intervene is if she was rude to you in your own home.

This child may benefit greatly by having counselling. I know 2 children who had weekly counselling for years when their parents divorced. they seem to have benefitted from it a lot. It gives them an outside view etc of the situation. It was paid for by medical insurance by father's work policy.
Failing that - could you just try to jolly her along? - indulge her and give little secret surprises and presents? Do something for Halloween etc. Be bright and cheerful etc.

You sound like a sane parent who has already raised one child successfully. Your expectations of a child living in your home are perfectly normal and reasonable. I think your step-daughter is being used as a weapon in a mind-game her mother is playing with you and her ex.

If I'm reading your posts right, the girl started expressing her dislike of you round about the same time you encouraged your partner to scale down the "family/best friend" activities of your partner, his ex, and their daughter.

You say the ex is very keen to resume these activities. Presumably she thinks that if you were out of the way, that would happen. She may be trying to get rid of you by making your position untenable. Right now the child is staying she doesn't want to be in the house with you, so your partner is essentially being forced to choose between his daughter and you. I think someone else suggested your options were to move out or have him see his daughter elsewhere.

A couple of things are possible. The ex could be lying about what her daughter says, or she could be encouraging and rewarding the child for cultivating dislike of you.

You also shouldn't rule out the possibility that other things are happening in this child's life to make her unhappy. Friendship problems? She doesn't want to go to breakfast club. Why? Mum's new partner? That setup sounds a little odd.

You can't win this game. Your partner needs to be firm. That will be hard for him as he's out of practice. It's a sad situation for everyone, but I hope it can all be resolved to everyone's satisfaction.

You have a partner problem. I would have no respect for someone like him. He doesn’t have your back, doesn’t respect you having a few very basic standards of behaviour in your own home, and he barely parents his own child anyway, giving her no boundaries. I would walk away as it won’t get better and this is no life. I am waiting for OP to say you she basically puts a roof over this bloke’s head. It’s almost always the case.

OPs daughter is 19 Stepdaughter is 9!

Thank you for all the replies, comments and suggestions. I wanted to clarify a few things. A few people have said that I am judging the Mums parenting and being harsh on her and focusing on her. There are so many layers to this situation and obviously I cannot list everything, I also appreciate that people can only comment based on what they read on this thread.

The Mum's parenting and behaviour does come into the equation when dealing with this situation with my SD because a lot of the issues we have surround the way she parents at home and makes comments like 'you can do that at my house but I know Daddy doesn't let you do that at his house' - she should 100% be allowed to parent her own way in her own house, but it is affecting our house as her wording to us and my SD make it feel like she is the fun house and our house has rules and boundaries. However, minimal they are compared to hers.

One example is a Friday night sleepover - on the Fridays my SD is with her Mum, she tells her partner he has to sleep on a makeshift bed on the floor or on the sofa as they are having a sleepover and he must therefore leave the bed for that night. She has stated to my partner that he should be doing the same, that the sleepovers are important to his daughter and I should therefore leave my bed and sleep elsewhere on those nights. My partner does not agree with this and so it does not happen. I should also point out that I have back issues here and there so sleeping on a sofa is not appropriate. I have now suggested he put an airbed up in her room on those Fridays so they get a sleepover but I am not forced out of my own bed.

There have been many occasions whereby she has phoned my partner to tell him a complaint about me and I have been in the room and heard the call. Sometimes, when I have seen her and discussions have been had, I have asked her about things that were said on the call, but told a lie and said it was re-laid to me rather than I heard it - she has always denied what was said or given a different version of it. It is things like this that make us question what we are being told about my SD's issues with me and our house.

Another example of this is we were at a Sports Day event and me and her were talking. She told me that her partner wants to move away from the area as it is so expensive to live and she agrees that at the end of Primary School it would be a good move as she could buy somewhere bigger and be nearer to her Mum. I said my partner wouldn't like that as would mean even more limited time with his daughter. She said that my partner was narrow minded and needed to look at the bigger picture. I said I agreed with how expensive the area was and that we had recently visited the Cotswolds and I would love to move there. A pipe dream, nothing more. Fast forward a few months and during a phone call to my partner she said she knew I was trying to get him to move away with me..... no mention of her move or the context of my comment at all.

2 nights ago was when the recent things came to a head for the 2nd time. She phoned my partner and told him how much his daughter disliked me and didn't like being in the house with me, that I wasn't friendly and I had caused a huge rift in the dynamics - I heard the whole phone call which lasted 30 minutes of me being slated. The next day I promised my partner that I would do all I could to fix things as it is crushing him. I sent her a text saying how devasted I was to learn of my SD's feelings towards me and how could we work on fixing it. She replied and said that she had not said those things to my partner, that he had gotten things wrong when telling me. She said there is no huge issue, that my SD is just emotional right now and needs her Mum more then us.

There have been lots of comments about me being insecure and changing their relationship as a family. That is simply not true. When I met my partner, they had been divorced about 6 months and in their new homes for 5 months. That was when they were doing days out, lunches, teas etc, they were finding their feet. I never once asked him to stop. She met her partner at a similar time to us meeting. Over time, we noticed a pattern of behaviour - she would ask to meet him and their daughter for lunch, but only when her own partner was busy or away with work. She would invite him in for tea, but only if her own partner was not there. The days out would only ever occur on the weekends she had her daughter, when he suggested a day that he had his daughter, she would say she couldn't do that weekend. That is why me and him had discussions about why these events were taking place and the reasoning behind it. Was it really what their daughter needed or was it because she did not like being on her own with her daughter. It seemed that she didn't wish to meet up with my partner and their child when she had her partner around, it was only when she was on her own. One weekend, she asked to meet my partner with their daughter for breakfast, then lunch, then dinner - we found out her partner was away that weekend.
And no, before anyone suggests it, it is not because her partner wouldn't like them meeting, he is chilled with that side of things.

Yes, they used to get on very well and that has changed. Not because of me like many of you have said. It is because she started lying and manipulating my partner, if he said no to something, she would get their daughter to ask him instead. If she wanted to plan a day out, she would plan it with her daughter before even asking him, then get their daughter to call him and say how much she really wanted to go to XXX. She took her out of school for a day and didn't consult him, when he said she should of, she said I am DD primary carer and I can make these decisions without you. There are many many many more examples.
Yes, I encouraged him to stand up for himself on these occasions, is that so wrong. Their relationship changed because her behaviour changed. I should not be blamed or pegged as the jealous new partner, that is so unfair.

These are a few examples of things that have taken place and why we do question her version of things and her motives. It is hard not to after everything that has happened.

Omg I really feel for you being in the middle of this shit show being controlled by a bratty 9 yo!
I completely agree with no haribos if you don't finish dinner, and making her go back upstairs to get jumper she's already been told to get, what's wrong with telling her,sounds like this kid rules the roost.
Hatd as it is op, this situation will only get worse, I think u need to think long and hard about your future with this weak pos partner.
By time this brat is 13 she'll be out of control calling the shots.
And as for you having to vacate your bed for her,fuck that,bad back or no bad back thats appalling to even suggest it.
Why don't you book a nice holiday, just you on your own and have a long hard think about your future and what you deserve xx

@Sunflower026
What are you going to do? The only viable option is to separate as far as I can see. Nothing will change.

"These are a few examples of things that have taken place and why we do question her version of things and her motives. It is hard not to after everything that has happened."

Op I am sorry you are in the middle of this. I don't see your SD as bratty or spoiled, I see her as a child being used. Sadly if your partner won't deal with it, I don't see how you can.

Still processing the recent fall out right now. The house is jointly owned, we have a business together. So its not just a case of packing a bag.
Plus Im torn. When his DD is not there, all is literally perfect. Its just so hard when she is.

I see 3 options

Stop all parenting of SD completely, have me time when she is there

Move out but continue the relationship, see each other when she is not there

End relationship entirely

This situation is not going to change, the XW is not going to change, it will get worse when SD enters the teen years.

Have a big think about your future and how you see your life panning out in the coming years.

OP - yes this SC is a brat - but why?
Because her parents divorced and got other partners.
She is not happy with that and it is showing in her behaviour.
It is not what she wants - she want her parents to be together with her and there is NO getting away from it - unless you can ''seduce'' her with something better - but I also recommend counselling as in my PP.