Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

And? Her mother reports she has said she doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you around so you are acceding to her wishes to not be around her. Actions have consequences, even for 9 year olds.

It really is a lose lose for you, OP. Sadly, I don't think what you have is sustainable. So sorry this is happening.

The issue is we hear one version from the Mum and another from my SD. It will always be the case and we do not know who to believe as both have reasons to not tell the truth 100%.

For example, she stopped staying on a Wednesday night and only came over until bedtime, that has been the way since July. This started because one Wednesday my partner picked her up from school but she had forgotten something at her Mums so they dropped off their to get it. Once she saw her Mum she burst into tears and said she didnt want to stay at ours that night, she was happy to go to her club, back to ours for dinner and bath but wanted to stay at her Mums - her Mum said ok thats fine.
After that my partner said he wouldnt go back to the Mums with her as it clearly triggered something in her, we couldnt really work it out tbh.

The next time, her school closed early because of the heat, her Mum said she was WFH and nearer to the school so was happy to pick her up and my partner would get her around 5pm. When he turned up, she said the same thing again and didnt stay that night either.

A few weeks later, on a Thursday, her Mum went into the school during breakfast club to drop off her swimsuit as had forgotten to pack it for her gala. She burst into tears and said she hadnt slept well at ours and didnt want to do the gala as was too tired. We didnt believe this but also didnt understand it.

My partner spoke to his DD another time and said if she really wasnt happy being at ours on a Wednesday and wasnt sleeping well then he accepted it and would just drop her home at bedtime. Its been like that since.

Now we have started a new school term and had her a fair bit through the holidays, we thought things would return to her staying on a Wednesday night. She hasnt. She has now said she wants to stay at her Mums but is happy to come over for dinner and bath etc, she has said she doesnt like having to go to breakfast club and doesnt have to be up so early at her Mum's - when my parter called his ex to discuss this as he misses her not staying, his ex has said thats rubbish its nothing to do with breakfast club, its my doing and she just doesnt like me etc etc.

See what I mean!!

OP I’m a stepmother and my child has a stepmom too. I have a (very) detached step-parenting style and don’t do any parenting when the dsc are here. They are allowed to do as they wish, eat what they want etc. I never enter their rooms, never do their laundry or shop for them. I do my own thing and don’t get involved. My daughter’s stepmom is similar, she tried to be actively involved at the beginning but my daughter rejected the attempts and now they have a civilised co-existing relationship.
It sounds like you have already physically detached and stopped getting involved in the day to day parenting. My only additional suggestion would be to try and remove yourself emotionally too. Accept (and actively expect) your dsd to be unhappy with you every time she comes around, expect the routine follow up call from her mom with accusations… and just simply don’t care. Don’t do anything about it, don’t overanalyse it, don’t engage in the conversations with your DH and sending letters or messages back and forth analysing who did what wrong. Next time it happens say „sorry to hear that’ and move on. Dsd will either continue coming to stay with you, or stop coming, at which point her dad (not you!) will have to deal with it.
enjoy the times you and DH are together to ensure your relationship remains strong but perhaps take some power away from other people affecting your well-being on a daily basis. Your DH might relax a bit too if he accepts the situation and stops engaging with the ex in such an emotional way.

I completely see why you think the Mum and SD have your DP over a barrel, and that he obviously wants to spend time with his daughter. However, the dynamic of her (both of them actually) always getting what they want is unsustainable and really damaging. Can you flip this on its head and think how much the child wants to spend time with her Dad? Is there any push back available on that front? She is still very young at 9 but it can't be healthy for her to wield so much power over her Dad's actions that he is paralysed in this way?

As mom and stepmom to daughters I would say let the girl choose where she wants to be. Her emotional needs are more important then her dads. The reason behind why she doesn’t want to stay at yours is almost irrelevant and no point trying to analyse it. Children have funny moments, change their mind constantly. My daughter used to hate staying at her dads but as a teenager decided to live with him for a long stretch of time just because he was closer to her friends, school etc.

Firstly, she is NOT actually your step-daughter so, sadly you have no right to engage in parenting her. And she knows this.

Secondly, whose home are you living in? It is a shared home (jointly rented or joint mortgage)? If it is yours, solely or jointly, then you are allowed to set parameters of her behaviour in your home, though it has to be your DP that implements them as he is the parent. If it is HIS contact time that his child is in the home, then he should be there doing the care, not expecting you to babysit with no power to discipline or set boundaries.

If it is YOUR house that he has moved into, then I’d question why you have let a man move into your home, require you to babysit his child when he is not there, and then allows that child to dictate how your and your DD’s home runs, only to cause upset. There is a word for those types of men on MN. If this is the situation I’m afraid I’d be asking him to move out, have his child in his own flat/home and visit you when she is back with her mother.

it is a joint mortgage

I think you've gotten lots of good advice. Your best option is the detach from her and just do your thing. Having said that I think it's easier said than done, pretending someone else doesn't live in the house is not really sustainable but if you want to remain with him I guess that's your only option, detach from and don't engage with her mother at all, let your partner deal with her.

If over time you find that doesn't work for you, (frankly I think I would build resentment over time, having to plan outings to avoid being around when his daughter is there etc) and tbh even if you do all that I think her mother will still find something to complain about so if it continues to be an issue you may have to consider splitting up.

He unfortunately needs to prioritize his daughter over you and to be honest all this back and forth and putting her in the middle is doing a lot more emotional harm to her on top of the soft parenting so at some point you may need to tell him to prioritize his daughter and you move on.

I hope things get better amor at least you can reach a peaceful dynamic soon.

Ok, so then you absolutely have a right to set out what you feel are acceptable parameters around your partner’s child’s behaviours - and expectations around his engagement? You may not be a ‘step-parent’ and all that implies (which often isn’t very much!) but you are very much entitled to push back.

The issue here seems to be more around your partner’s unwillingness to rock the boat with his child, his fear of casting himself as the bad cop [rule setter] vis a vis the good cop role of his ex [laissé faire parenting style]. Contrasting and conflicting parenting styles are rife even when both parents live together, but even more so if they don’t and there is a sense of guilt (at leaving) underpinning the interactions. It sounds as though rather than step up, he is acceding to the ex’s style to avoid conflict. What is happening is that ‘co-parenting’ has broken down - because they are not really on the same page and following the same rules, just letting ex dictate and he has given up fighting it? This will make her feel insecure, confused, unsafe in either home and unsure of what is expected of her - but that doesn’t mean that new, firm rules cannot be established for your/his home when she is there, or that she wouldn’t benefit or blossom from them being introduced. Kids need boundaries because they make them feel safe.

I vaguely recall that the solution is something call ‘parallel parenting’, which is where a child is raised in two households but each has slightly different rules, and where one parent (your DP together with you) chose to reintroduce structure and clear expectations around behaviour. There are lots of books, but this one is really useful and I know a friend of my and her DH used it because they had FT custody but his child was going to its mother and being indulged without rules for 1-2 nights a week in the holidays and was a confused mess when he came home. Not sure if this could be useful? There are also online resources and videos explaining it and how your DP could change his tactics to provide his child with structure and, therefore, a stronger sense of security and safety?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parallel-Parenting-Solution-Eliminate-Confict/dp/B097X5RJ88

I haven’t read everything but it sounds like loyalty conflict.
Have the same problems with DP’s ex and we don’t live together. I’ve even stopped seeing the DCs as often as I did even though I care about them a lot and when I have been alone with them have had to discipline them. I no longer have time alone - which I miss.
DP has the DC full time, his ex only EOW when she feels like it but she has accused me of hurting the children and gone to social services about it. Social services are only involved because of the parental conflict and she has a toddler with someone else that was taken in to care.

i would never of got involved in telling a child
off that was not mine. You had no business in doing that but that being said I personally wouldn’t if I ever had one let my partner who wasn’t the biological parent be alone with my child. It’s not acceptable and no wonder the child doesn’t like you with the attitude you’ve got and the fact you used to try and tell her off when she has two parents that can also do that.

I don't think it is. You shouldn't be expected to cook for her (I guess if you are cooking for your husband and yourself it's not too much of a problem to make her some too, but that's the most you should be expected to do.). No way should you be cleaning her room - your husband should do it (with age appropriate help from his daughter). And no way should you be expected to pay for her holidays!

Your husband needs to take on these responsibilities himself when the child is with you both. I also agree that you should not be trying to interfere with her diet etc - but the parents have a cheek objecting to this while taking money towards the child's holidays from you. (When did that start? And are you expected to pay for other things for her too? I'm properly taken aback by that ... )

This is extreme - are you and your child's other biological parent with her at all times? She is never cared for by friends, family members, child care professionals?

She is only cared for by her parents, her Mums partner and me. My daughter used to do some of the school pick ups before she started working full time. She doesnt like breakfast club or after school club so her Mum's partner picks her up on the days that she is with her Mum and her Mum hasnt finished work in time etc.

Thank you for the comments.

Expected is probably the wrong word, I just believe when she is with us, we are part of the same household and I used to help out where I could as my partner would often have meetings that he couldnt get out of in the evenings.

Washing is done altogether so yes that would include hers (done by me), I do not tidy her room and never have done, if I came in from work and she hadnt had her dinner because my partner was on a work call, yes I would do it for her - am I expected to let her be hungry or him expected to piss of his boss by ending a meeting?
Unfortunately, when a child is in your care, it is extremely hard not to let instinct take over, especially when I already have a child of my own. I have never done or said anything maliciously or out of any place other then love.

Holidays - we go together so the cost is split so yes I pay for half her ticket.

I think you should take a big step back, as you already have, but also emotionally and financially. Let your DP do the parenting/cooking/cleaning when she is there and don't take any of this on. Be polite and cheerful with her so she doesn't feel like there's any hostility from you in her father's house, but don't get involved in any more situations that might create drama with the girl or her mother. Keep busy and do lovely things with your own daughter when the SD is around or just keep yourself occupied with your own activities. Certainly you should not be paying for anything for her. Is your DP an equal contributor, or are you subsidising him?

Your DP is in no position to complain about you detaching yourself during his DD's contact time. If he won't stand up to his ex or parent his daughter in his own house under rules you have both agreed upon, then he's got no choice but to do it alone. You shouldn't have to lower your standards or put up with being treated like crap under your own roof. The DD can't very well complain about you if she is not spending time with you, so she should be happy, as should the ex.

Having said that, I'd have no respect for him or wish to put up with this constant conflict, so I'd be looking to the future and whether I want to put up with this for the rest of my life.

No we are equal, I do not subsidise him at all.

Cross posted with you. If her dad isn't around to cook for her, he needs to leave some snacks and whatnot for her to tide her over until he comes home. He can leave a sandwich in the fridge for her to have after school.

Why on earth are you paying for her holidays? That's not your responsibility. That's money that could be used for your own daughter.

My child is with her nan my mother if she isn’t with me or dad and she is obviously allowed to tell her when she’s not doing right but she understands it’s mummy’s mum and not someone stepping on my toes. My point is I came into my step child’s life when they were 7 I didn’t need to parent them or tell them off even when alone with them. Anything I did see but this was never to do with parenting the child just observations I communicated this to my partner and he dealt with it but that being said I didn’t need to parent and I didn’t want to I fed the child but didn’t need to make him eat all of it or threaten otherwise if he didn’t and played with him and when dad come home dad took over and I once again took a backseat. I personally feel like this is how it should be and that partners of the parent shouldn’t be stepping in at all. If I was to ever move on and get into a new relationship there’s no way I’d allow my new partner to play daddy I would still expect my child’s father to do all dad things which includes if said child is acting up I would communicate this to dad and he would communicate with child regarding their behaviour at home.

I am not saying this with the intention of being unkind, I promise - but could it not be the case that the daughter genuinely doesn't like you very much? My daughter hasn't liked any of the partners her dad and I have had since we split, and none of them have been cruel or abusive to her - she just hasn't liked them much.

Is there any way your husband can spend time with his daughter without you being involved - could he go back and stay in the ex's house, for example? It's not good for you OR her to be forced to spend time together if it is making her unhappy. And certainly you should not be forced to do house work and childcare in this situation .....

Oh I totally agree that nobody should be acting like a parent to a child that isn't theirs - except in situations where one parent may be deceased for example and the step-parent agrees to adopt the child and fully take on that role ....

But I agree that children don't need more than two parents. I may have misread your earlier post - I thought you were saying you would never allow an adult who wasn't the child's parent to be alone with the child. That's what I thought was extreme.

I don’t actually think it’s all your doing I think your partner could do better with not letting you be the childcare while he is working and then you wouldn’t feel like you had to parent or
discipline the child. I would have done all I can to stay as the child’s friend not parent in this situation because that’s what you get more from. But your partner relying on you hasn’t helped you because you’ve felt the need to step into being a parent when it should be on him.

I am not sure how him and his daughter staying in his ex's house with her and her partner for his weekends would help at all, that's just odd surely.

If there wasn't so many other things that have happened, yes you are right, I might just concede that she doesn't like me. However, as I said in a few posts, there are so many layers to this.
Her Mum telling me something and telling my partner the complete opposite, the daughter saying one thing and the Mum saying the complete opposite. Her Mum being caught out lying about numerous things, manipulating situations and scenarios - the list goes on and on.

When I first met her, she honestly adored me and my DD. He lived elsewhere and just visited and she started to ask to stay 1 night here and there, then it was every weekend, then it was every time he had her. It got to the point where she never slept at his place - despite the fact she had an amazing room there and a mattress on the floor at mine! He would always leave the option open to her and she always asked to stay at mine. She was 4 then.
One day her Mum told him that she only stayed there because she thought he wanted her too - just not true and we never got that vibe, you cant fake the happiness the child showed - he had a chat with his DD as was mortified if that was the case and he had got it wrong. Her words were 'no I didnt say that, Mummy is lying'

The whole reason we got rid of our places and got the house together was so that she would have her own room and feel like it was all of ours and not just mine. She used to say things like 'why do I stay with Mummy more then you Daddy'

The move seems to have set things off. Whether its a case of she feels I'm more permanent now and it bothers her, or that her Mum feels threatened so has started planting seeds..... we literally will never get to the true route cause of this. That much I believe.