Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

Stop parenting her. Thats not your job. Telling her she can’t have a treat until she eats her veg is crossing the line. Her dad should be implementing this.

Exactly!!

Sorry, just to add to my previous post - you can't influence what her mum does and doesn't do either. So I guess the question is how much energy do you want to put into 'making' your BF be a better dad, and do you even think it is achievable? Or do you just drop the rope and let him parent his daughter as he sees fit, and you ignore it all?

Yes, I would try to disengage - although that’s easier said than done when it’s a child in your house. Let her dad parent her. Unfortunately, it’s not the correct way to parent, but just let him get the jumper. Try not to let it get to you.

Is it possible you have overstepped. Whether you agree with how they approach things or not, step daughter does already have two parents.

I don't think anyone should make a child eat anything they don't want to.
But generally obviously she is a very unhappy child.

A few weeks before the summer holidays, she stopped staying over on a wednesday night, she said she slept better at her mums and it was nearer to school. As she was very sensitive and things were rocky, he agreed to it. He still saw her on a wednesday but she didnt stay for a few weeks.
Now summer is over, he thought she would resume staying as we have had a decent summer (or so we thought). Wednesday came and she said she wanted to go back to her mums to sleep.
In the car journey, he broached it with her and she started crying saying that it was because she didnt want to go to breakfast club and she didnt have to if she stayed at mummys. He said maybe he could change his office day so she didnt have to go and she agreed to this.

Then an hour later he got a phone call from his ex saying that the child did not want to stay at ours on a wednesday because of me and it was nothing to do with breakfast club.

We just dont know what to believe or if we are coming or going.

What a load of rubbish.

Why the hatred against step parents. This is not overstepping in the slightest. A child is in her house, does she just act dumb if the father is in another room or continuously say “ask dad”.

On one hand you are supposed to love them and treat them as your own but god forbid you do any bit of discipline.

Like with the mother, you won’t win on mumsnet OP.

her dad hasnt been there on these occasions. of course when he is there he deals with her.

thats not exactly what i meant. I dont mean force feed her of course i dont. I mean eating her dinner and not leaving half of it because she is full and then asking for haribo.
As i said a few times, none of this happens anymore but the issue has not gone away of her view of me.

I think the step daughter is calling the shots and playing the parents/step parents against each other. Your husband is tip-toeing around her somewhat too.

Massive step back OP. Your husband needs to be the one who is stern and lay ground rules. She will kick off again, no doubt but it is up to your husband to deal with. If your husband isn't at home, then neither should your SD for a while.

thank you for your support. this is the bit i am finding so hard - step parents are expected to love the child, support them, cook for them, do everything that happens in a household, look after them if the parent is working - BUT not discipline them or ever tell them off or correct a behaviour.

A household has good and bad, however, it seems if you are a step parent you have to give the child all the good but never any of the bad. that is no real day to day life but it is what I am very fast learning is the only way sadly.

Your problem is your partner.

He has allowed you to do all the shit bits of parenting whisky no doubt taking the credit for the fun bits.

you were on a hiding to nothing and it’s unlikely to ever get any better because even if he now pulls his socks up and parents properly you’ll get the blame for his change in attitude.

so you believe that we should take everything the mother says at face value and my partner should never ask the child about it? How does anything get resolved?
As I have said before, a lot of what the child has told them mum is made up and hasnt actually happened at all.

On top of that, we know the mum has lied about things on many many occasions so no, we do not have complete faith in everything she tells us.

then that is his choice - wrong in my belief but his choice. You said I shouldnt be telling her she cant have a sweet if she doesnt eat her dinner and that my partner should be doing it. I was pointing out that this only happened on the times I had her on my own.
When he is there, i did not ever get involved with meal times.

At the end of the day there are some shitty mothers out there who are scoring points against the ex and new wife no matter what harm it does to the child.

She is so young now and won’t see this herself. She will understand when she’s older.

Stay true to yourself and your values OP <3

It really isn't your job at all to make this child eat her vegetables or your job to have stern words with her. She has two parents who have chosen a softer approach, if you cannot get onboard with that then you need to leave because you are currently creating a wedge between a child and their dad and that is not OK. Everyone is entitled to bring their child up the way they like, abuse excepted, and they seem to have created a nice bond with their child.

Five years and it was not evident to you that you have a completely different parenting style to your partner?

You are in a lose lose situation. You need to sit down with your partner and agree what reasonable house rules look like and that he enforce them. If you can't agree on what's reasonable or he won't parent then you don't live together.

For now, if he's not at home then his daughter should be with her mum. He can't ask you to be in loco parentis and not be accountable for looking after his child.

It’s a tricky one @Sunflower026
He needs to step up and be at home being a parent to try to sort things out.
Of course you are going to implement your own rules etc when he isn’t around, it’s how you have parented in the past.

WRT eating vegetables or no treat I think this isn’t something you should be implementing; many parents don’t take this approach and there has been some suggestion that it can lead to eating disorders.

You should pass the baton back to dad and see how he manages her, maybe with a few house rules eg on clearing up your own mess or bringing clothing downstairs etc.

She may not like going to breakfast club and assuming it’s the only time she has to go then possibly she’s associating that with your presence whereas in fact it’s her DAD who isn’t available that morning rather than you.
Do you drop her at BC or does dad?

As others have said, step back now and let dad deal with it and see how it works out going forward.
Agree the rules around food etc; if mum quietly clears her plate and gives her a pudding I really think that should happen at yours, regardless of your feelings on the matter.

To be clear, i changed all of these things months ago when she had the initial outburst. I do not have her on my own anymore, I do not do meal times, or bed times or school runs or anything of the sort.

My problem is, her dislike for me seems to be deep routed and although all of that has stopped, she is still saying she has an issue with me. She doesnt give specifics anymore. That is what i do not know how to handle. I have changed everything i possibly can and it would seem it still isnt enough.

maybe it never will be and that is the realisation I am coming to.

his ex said she wants things to go back to how they were before, the days out with the 3 of them, lunches, teas etc.

I think the answer is not to have any treats on view (find a special cupboard and tuck them away)- so when the questions is about cake/chocolate/crisps/ sweets the answer is “I’m afraid we don’t have any. You’ll have to ask your dad if he can put something on the shopping list for next time.”

Then next time when she asks you say “oh I think dad bought some but you’ll have to wait until he’s home so he can decide if you’re allowed a treat.”

And that’s the answer to everything - no harsh tone, just a bland statement “you’ll have to wait for your dad to decide.” Or “your dad asked me to tell him if you made a mess and wouldn’t clean up so he’ll decide what to do about it later” Or “your dad said you were supposed to do an hour of homework so you’ll have to tell him tbh you watched cartoons instead when he asks you.”

And let him deal with the school pickups, bedtimes, haircuts, appointments, play dates, clothes shopping etc.

Essentially what the child wants is her “ own” family being happy together. She sees you as preventing that, which is why she resents you.
Been there. It is hard for both you and her.

I would research ‘Nacho’ step parenting, which is the only kind of step parenting I personally agree with, it might take the pressure off you as well as DSD. I didn’t know there was a name for it until recently but in my experience blended families that use this method are generally much happier.

Essentially you can love on her, support her, do fun things with her and keep her safe but you don’t take the responsibility of parenting her. You’d take the role as a fun aunt/friend/supportive adult rather than a third parent and your DH would have to step up and parent more proactively.