Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

Every single time record phone calls and conversations that the mum and daughter have with you or your partner to cover your arse plus prove she’s lying

Ist there a possibility of your DP renting an apartment for himself, where he could have her on his nights, and living at home when she's at her mum's? You should remove yourself from it all, I agree. But it's unfair to expect you to tiptoe around her or leave your own home whenever she's at yours because the girl's mother is insecure and/or enjoys shit stirring.

Am just coming back to add: telling a child off, setting out rules for behaviour at the table etc are not ‘parenting’ - they are guidance from an adult in charge of a child. I’ve been a teacher, a childminder, Brownie and BeaverScout leader and I absolutely have told a child to eat a couple of mouthfuls of veg before they can have desert, gently told them off if they are rude, being destructive, doing something dangerous or hurtful. Especially so when children have been cared for in my home. That is responsible ‘adulting’.

The only proviso here is that the ground rules are agreed with DP and that where there is a serious misbehaviour requiring a proper parental telling off/intervention that needs to be deferred to DP.

As a post script @Sunflower026 now 9yo, given that you describe a sudden change in mood/behaviour, is that there is a hormonal/cognitive aspect to this. Your DSD is approaching her menarche (ie periods could begin any day or in the next year or so) so her hormones will be all over the place, mood will follow suite, this will make her feel vulnerable and uncertain for reasons she does not understand. It can also herald the child development stage when children identify less with their same sex parent and the relationship with their opposite parent becomes more foregrounded. Socially/cognitively this is about understanding how we operate in [heteronormative] relationships for which the opposite parent provides the formative model of what that should look like. In this case, this may mean that she is feeling a little more ‘territorial’ (for want of a better word, but hopefully you get what I mean) and you may be seen as encroaching on that relationship.

It does pass, but in tandem with exploring parallel parenting strategies, it might be worth organising some one-to-one time for DP and his daughter - and for you to be seen as supporting this to demonstrate that you aren’t a threat. If she has fancied going to a theme park, you could arrange and buy tickets for them to go, pack a lunch for them with her favourite things in it and send them off with a big smile etc. [just brainstorming] It’s not about stepping back entirely - you are a part of his life so she needs to understand that - but it may simply be that she needs her dad a bit just now and that he needs to step up and ‘be there’ for her in a meaningful way for a few months?

It's not how I parent and it's not how you parent but it is how they parent and they are the parents. It's not your role to enforce rules or discipline.

I'd sit down with DH and talk about the things that affect you directly - for example, wandering into your bedroom or using your things- and agree the rules around those.

Apart from that, your DH is responsible for either making her pick up after herself or doing it himself. If she doesn't eat her veggies, not your problem. Make like Elsa and let it go.

Gosh I could have written this! The only difference being that at least your partner did try to stand up to his ex, mine never did, even in very small ways, because he was too scared of not seeing his DD. Sadly she pulled that stunt a lot regardless of how passive he was to her behaviour.

She was desperate to be the favourite parent. She was always FaceTiming and messaging when DSD was with us about how much she loved and missed her, to the point that she would be in a complete state crying to go home.
She would have such a lovely time with me and we were so bonded, but it got to the point where she had to constantly stop in the middle of us doing something to message her mum - like she felt guilty for doing nice things without her. It was heartbreaking to watch how unsettled she was, never being able to fully enjoy herself anymore.
What was even more heartbreaking was watching the shift when her mum met someone new (the first BF went along with mum’s behaviour) - once he was on the scene, she stopped contacting DSD all of the time, and when DSD contacted her she would speak to her once or twice then tell her she couldn’t keep ringing, and if DSD said she wanted to go home she would make excuses or tell her to stop being silly. She completely put the new BF first, even when he would wind up DSD “messing around” and it upset her.
The shift was so drastic. I’m sure they are still close in many ways, but DSD rarely has anything positive to say about her, she spends a lot less time at her mums, and she is a lot closer to DH now.
I wouldn’t recommend you stay and hold out for this to happen with your situation, but ultimately it could happen, or other circumstances that reduce the intensity of mums behaviour. You need to think about whether you can sustain it if nothing changes, and let that be the deciding factor as to whether you stay.

I stepped back quite a lot but more in the sense that I left DH to sort her out (cooking, tidying up after her if he wasn’t going to make her do it herself, etc), but that was down to DH and his ex behaviour than DSD. When I saw her I was just smiley, and if I didn’t feel that I could be because of something, I took myself upstairs or out of the house.

I did enforce boundaries but in a nice way, so more along the lines of “oh no, we don’t swear in this house” or “ooh ice cream so close to bed time, did you forget last time you were sick” or “we all need to pick up after ourselves” …had I said nothing DH would have just gone along with whatever she wanted, but ultimately I was allowed to want some boundaries and respect in my house. She might not have liked it, but it’s grounded her a bit and over the years I’ve seen her show me more respect than her parents, from what I gather she can be really challenging with them at times but I just get the best of her. She tells me she loves me, she talks to me about anything and everything and she respects my boundaries (ie with the swearing).

Sorry that’s quite jumbled as I kept getting interrupted…

In your situation, I think it will be good to let your absence be noted. It’s not about causing upset to your DSD, so you need to do it in a way where you’re there sometimes (being nice and normal with her), then other times you’re not there. Let her sit with it, because if she starts to miss you then she’s more likely to drop the behaviour and any lies and you can go back to building a nice relationship with her

Seems like the mother is screwing with the child’s mind.

So cruel!

FWIW I don’t think there’s much you can do anymore. The child will eventually stop coming as often anyway as a teen and maybe she wants more CSA money?

Either way try not to let her burn your emotional energy!

Why are people beating up @Sunflower026 about paying for holidays,about cooking or washing. It seems you don’t do any of this and you’re a bad stepmum and then if you don’t you are a bad stepmum too because the child already has 2 parents, that your DH should be doing it.
if the 4 of us went out together I always split the cost because sometimes it was my idea to do it and then I also paid the extra for my dog myself if it was necessary.
I am keeping a little distance right now but if I was alone with DPs DC I would make sure they had something to eat. DC1 loves my cheese and ham toasties. @Sunflower026 your DH has to be a little tougher if most of this comes from ex.
I had a few problems with DPs eldest. They switched off the TV when we were watching a film together, but things have calmed down. Ex still thinks I am the devil incarnate for some reason.
DC has a 2 night trip with school this week. I gave them 5€ pocket money that was from me because I wanted to.

Again, honestly not trying to be unkind, as I can see how much this bothers you, and it speaks well of you that you care so much about your partner's child, but....

The fact that she liked you at 4 doesn't necessarily have much relevance to how she feels about you now. Small children are pretty indicriminate and like anyone who is nice to them - but as they get older they become more discerning. It's completely plausible that she could have loved you when she was 4, but that as she becomes older and her tastes change, that could change.....

It's also pretty clear that you can't stand her mom. (And for all I know that's completely understandable). But kids are great at picking up on things like this, even though you no doubt try to hide it well - and the majority of kids will be loyal to their biological family in this scan too, and feel quite defensive of them.

You also mentioned that they used to do lots of stuff as a three - outings and so on - but that you weren't very comfortable with this so your partner let it tail off. Again, if the little girl has picked up on this (and kids are good at detecting nuance like that) she may well resent it hugely. I know my own daughter adores spending time with both parents evening thought she is now a teeen + for several years we did much less of this out of respect for our then partners, and DD consequently resents those partners hugely. (And I actually regret that we let that fall by the wayside, as I think maintaining the strong co-parenting bond even when separated should actually come before all other considerations, hard as that is for new partners. And I have been on the other side of it too - I have holidayed and spent Xmas with a partner's ex, and they often did things together with their kids that I wasn't part of. I didn't love it but I accepted it, because the kids should come first.

I guess you have to ask yourself, what outcome are you looking for here? Because even if you are right that the girl's mom has been stirring, and even if you could somehow prove this - what would anyone gain? It's not a competition - at the end of the day the kid feels what she feels, whatever caused it. And her feelings will always be her parents' priority, and rightly so.

In your position I would be seeking ways to maintain the relationship separate from his interactions with his daughter - look for ways he can spend time with her completely discretely, with no involvement from you.

Her feelings towards you may change eventually, if you show respect for them by backing off now. If you force the issue, as far as I can see it will just get worse and worse. I am sorry, I realise that isn't what you want to hear, and I understand why you feel unhappy about it.

Nobody is beating her up for this I don't think - it's insanely generous of her actually. In her position I would stop immediately and let the parents care for and fund their own kid, especially given how things are going.....

I have a good friend who has done the same as me and @Sunflower026. Why is it insanely generous? For me some of the things have been my idea so it is only normal. For my friend, now the DC are older it is a lot better but she had her boundaries and stuck by them. They hated her at the time but they now respect that and they are very close to her now. She went to the graduation of her DSS and the mother wasn’t interested. My not DSC are learning so much more from me and their Dad. Their DM doesn’t even go parents evenings but neither do I.