Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

Edited as so many pp had made the same point!

Laughably, you really are the original troll aren't you?! Very happy to lay into what others say, but happy to dish out daft advice yourself. 'Just end the relationship.. it's as simple as that'. Yes why not?! Just push the button and destroy a 5 year relationship, and possibly remove the one person from this little girl's life who does actually offer some structure and stability. Goodness. If only the OP had known it was so simple she could have just gone for it and not asked for advice and thoughts.

Op I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Her parents need to make this work and figure out what is best for their child. You have taken a step back which was the right thing to do.

Kid is asking for Haribo AFTER dinner while leaving some.

Who cares.

She's only there 8 days a month.

Not OP's responsibility to police or judge what she eats.

Ah just give her sweets and choccies for tea, or just leave it to dad. It seems you are doing lots of parenting for not a lot back.
Leave her on the iPad.
No early nights or pressure for baths etc or homework!!! Nope. Leave it for dad. No picking up from school either.
No shopping for birthday or Christmas just leave it down to Pa.
Just do not engage with her, because I fear she might accuse you of something that's not true

Would you stop seeing your child because your DP wanted to implement rules in your house that you’re not bothered about and your child hates?

His ex has said she wants things to go back to how they were - the ex is behind some of this, she is manipulating her child, the hatred of you will have been either suggested by her or re-enforced by her

But not over & above it being her home, if there are expectations of any children then they should be met. She absolutely can question her mother if it interferes with the running of her home & boundaries set , she has no right to question OP & the expectations she has in place

It sounds like both the child and his ex are manipulating the situation for their own ends. Daughter wants Dad to herself and certainly doesn't want to follow SM rules which are far stricter than at home. Her mum is more than happy to paint SM as the villain and retain her daughter 100%. I'm afraid I don't think there is much you can do about it, other than get your partner to explain that you both love her but there are different rules in your home. Good luck

No unless they were totally unreasonable which in this case they are not. I would discuss it like an adult but also explain to my child that unfortunately they can’t have it their own way. My child doesn’t like school rules all the time but I don’t stop them going

I have doubts that this is all coming from your DSD. Her DM liked all the threesome outings, just her, her DD and her Ex, then your DP stopped them and she blamed you, all this talk about her DD not liking you and wanting to go back to the previous outings more likely comes more from her DM. She wouldn't be the first woman to begrudge her Ex moving on

Mum is making it the OP’s business though because she is saying all sorts of things that her daughter is saying about her step mum.
About how awful she is. Who knows where this will lead ?
I would very much see this as my business in the OP’s shoes. Someone accusing you of being unkind, over disciplining, doesn’t want to live with you anymore etc. Because of the OP’s behaviour. I could not ignore that.

Sorry she sounds a brat,and dislikes the word 'no' or rules you put down(totally on your side with that) so little miss bratty pants throws a hissy fit tantrum because you don't let her have her own way,good for you.
Oh well looks like she won't be visiting then,what a shame...not.
Don't move out,stand your ground. No way would I have a 9 yo dictating the rules

i think the damage is already done which may by why your stepdaughter is hesitant to stay with you more at the moment. you might just have to give her time.

i would heavily guard against making eating into discipline like you have done before now. i was very picky as a young child and hated vegetables and putting some of those foods in my mouth genuinely felt torturous to me, it would make me gag and want to throw up. now i'm grown and i eat all manner of things and a very healthy diet, and i think i was willing to try more and more as i grew because my mum never battled with me over food/withheld food from me. it's just not worth it.

True the op can choose to stay or go if she feels the situation is tenable. She certainly shouldn’t have to accept it. But the dad needs to make the best choices for his dd

sadly that is already a done deal. she has convinced him that this is what the child wants and needs so they are spending her birthday together just the 3 of them, I am not allowed to see her or be part of it.

That's the point at which I would walk away. It's a battle you can't win. 'D'P is too spineless to support you, gives in to the daughter and the ex, and the ex is loving every minute of it.

You're not married, you have no children together, it needn't be messy. Is the house you got together rented or owned? That would be the only potential complicating factor.

It's not your place to parent her, especially using different methods to her dad. If you don't like how he parents, speak to him about it. And if it's a dealbreaker, break up.

I've had a stepmum most of my life (pretty solid relationship, she's now granny to my children and has been involved in all my life events), she has never once told me off. I'm sure there were times that she spoke to my dad about my behaviour or mess, but she would never have addressed it herself because that's a great way of ruining an inherently tricky relationship.

I am a bit surprised how many posters are pinning sophisticated Machiavellian manipulation on a 9 year old and not looking at her mother as being the instigator of some of this. I feel really sorry for the little girl, tbh, who is stuck in the middle of all of this. You don't know what her mother is saying to her when it's just the two of them, if she is being pressured to tell the mother what she wants to hear (that OP is awful). @Sunflower026you've said the mother lies and is manipulative. People like that don't spare their own children, they manipulate them and use them as flying monkeys too.

I would have to ask if it the ex that wants them back together, not the child.

Her family is ruined - absolutely not your fault, you met your husband post his divorce. But her family is ruined - not important whether your dh or his wife were at fault, but HER FAMILY IS RUINED.

So this is really coming from the ex wife, who is manipulating the daughter to manipulate the op’s partner. She wants the life she had with her ex and daughter. It’s the cessation of those outings that’s triggered this and how the ex is getting to influence the daughter’s time with her father and you. It’s the ex who wants you gone more than the daughter does and that’s why she’s told her daughter to say that she, the mother will relay messages.
Poor kid is being used as a pawn by her own mother

DO you have a tone? It's not nice being spoken to with a nasty tone, even if what is being said is reasonable.

The original troll?🤣 I’m not quite sure what you mean by that. Please elaborate.

Ending their relationship is actually very simple. Luckily they don’t have children together.

The OP isn’t happy. The stepdaughter isn’t happy. The OP doesn’t agree with her partners parenting and doesn’t like the mother of his child. I mean, I don’t think there is relationship. It sounds awful. It it wasn’t, this thread wouldn’t exist.

Selfish adults putting their own selfish feelings before the wellbeing of an innocent child.

But feel free to call me a “troll” for that.

If she is like this at 9 she will be horrendous at 13, 14, 15.
Honestly, I’d be looking to leave, at the very least to leave the house when she is due, and possibly even forever as I would have the ick with such a wet lettuce of a parent that her dad is.

I think SD is a very manipulative little madam and is being encouraged by her Mum. I suggest from now on she's only in your home when her Dad is there. If he is at work she is not there at all ever. You don't interact with her unless it is vital and therefore ignore her presence. No pleasantries nothing. Don't cook, do any washing either. I know the atmosphere will be awful and she is young but it is her doing and she needs to feel the consequences. Try to keep your relationship with your DH as good as is possible.

Hello OP, I don’t have any advice but I am going through the exact same thing with my stepdaughter who is 8. I also have two young children (her siblings) and it’s affecting them too. I have just had to take a huge step back. Please ignore the horrible people on this thread, you truly are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Us stepparents can never do any right! I’ll pray it gets better for you, as I am doing for myself!! x