Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

Ahh there’s your answer! Mum wants it to go back to the three of them and she sees you as a barrier. She’ll be putting words in the kids mouth or just purely making it up!

Did he leave her?

It’s not a step daughter problem. It’s an ex wife problem. Child is caught in the middle and I feel sorry for her.
The DP needs to have a word with the ex about why she’s an ex and to stop using the child as a pawn to get her own way and make visits to her Dad unpleasant or stopped as punishment for no longer going out as a family

Everyone is fixating on the vegetables.

The issue is not the damn vegetables, it’s the whole dynamic.

The only person who can change this is tbe OP’s partner. He is the only person who can decide how he wants to parent within the household he shares with OP. He is the only person who can convince his 9 year old that Daddy loves her. If the ex wants him back, he is the only person who can convince her he wants to co-parent with her, not be with her.

It sounds like OP has come to Mumsnet, where she has been ripped to shreds about effing vegetables, because she is trying to work this out on her own.

OP - sorry for the Mumsnet cliche. But you don’t have a stepdaughter issue, you have a partner issue.

Calling a 9 year old child, who’s had to deal with her parents separation at a very young age and can no longer spend time with them together, a “manipulative little madam” is so patronising just so ignorant to her wellbeing and security.

It never ceases to amaze me how god awful and bitter some posters on here are.

A 9 year old child. FFS.

I had exactly this scenario but with 4 DSC. I had a fine relationship with all 4 for the first 5 years, including 12 months living together. When we married and then moved into our joint house (I’d moved into DHs house initially), things started to deteriorate with the 3 older ones. It also coincided with them hitting puberty and me reaching menopause.

DH and his Ex’s fairly amicable co-parenting relationship also deteriorated at the same time. She started demanding sudden changes to contact arrangements, assumed she could expect childcare from me on his non-contact days without asking me or DH (sometimes even just dropping them off at our house and driving off, not knowing if I was home but knowing my DH was at a stag weekend) and the final straw came when we discovered that she’d been using the eldest DSC’s key to let herself into our house after dropping the children at school to kill half an hour before she went to the gym!

The kids must have felt the changes keenly and were probably experiencing split loyalties. They had enjoyed spending time with me when younger but now they were older perhaps felt guilty about it. It was safer to lash out at me as they didn’t care if I stayed or left, but they didn’t feel able to criticise mum or dad in case they stopped loving them (like they had stopped loving each other when they divorced).

Like you OP, I was just trying to be a supportive and positive presence in their lives whilst expecting basic courtesy when in the place that was my home too. My DH was initially very soft with his DCs when they were with him, but his DM (DSCs beloved DGM) was not impressed at the lack of proper parenting and she told him so. She was one of my allies too, which helped.

I won’t lie and say it was resolved quickly but my DSC are now all over 25 years old and I do have cordial relationships with the eldest 3. The youngest I’ve always had a close relationship with (one reason I stuck things out) and it’s still good to this day.

OP, your DH needs to learn how to set clear, kind boundaries for his daughter, ensure she understands that Mummy and Daddy are not getting back together and that she doesn’t decide her parents’ friends or partners. He does need to set aside regular quality 1-2-1 time with her and for him to properly listen to what is bothering his DD.

Not in a LTB way, because that's not the case here but you need to start mentally thinking about what the worse case scenario to this may be even though you carry very little fault for it. Your OH is in a very tricky position now, ultimately if he sees his daughter significantly less because of this situation then he has an awful decision to consider.

Although hopefully it's all resolved and DSD can open up and communicate about it a bit more.

Sounds like you’re doing most of the parenting in your relationship. It should be the other way around. It’s for your DH to set the tone in parenting his daughter, and then you to follow suit. If your parenting styles are totally mismatched and you can’t find a compromise, then it’s not the relationship for you.

I would try not to take it personally.

I think it’s the daughter trying either consciously or consciously to push you away in the hope that her parents will get back together. The fact that she’s not saying this to her dad, but it’s coming from the ex makes me incredibly suspicious.

For the next few weeks I wouldn’t see the SD at all. I’d ask partner to see her outside the house and/ or make myself scarce if she stays over. Then I think your partner needs to be super clear to SD and his ex that things are not going to change, you and him are together, and that’s it. If SD has an issue he will discuss it appropriately with her, but he shouldn’t get into long exchanges with the ex about it.

Going forward I think you may have to accept that you’ll never have a good relationship with your SD and just keep the relationship pretty surface level- see yourself as supporting your partner not parenting his daughter. But your partner needs to understand/ be on board with this too- he can’t expect you to play happy families. He needs to be in no doubt that unless things improve you’ll have no alternative than to live separately as you have a right not to have your life made miserable.

Personally for me I wouldn’t have parented her at all I would have left that for her actual parents to do.

Id not parent her at all. Her mother and father need to do all parenting.

This

This. Because actually you’re ‘fighting’ three people here - DSD and both her parents.

I know how hard it can be to let things slide, especially when you only have DSD’s best interests in mind. But once you stop commenting it should slowly get easier.

I would ensure DSD gets TONS of 1:1 time with her dad as it would be good for them both (and also means you can step away).

This age can see upticks in hormone rushes, sensitivity, overactive imaginations, suddenly wanting mum and dad to get back together (even if they don’t remember them together) and making things up (especially if they cannot muster their thoughts or words or feelings in a way that makes sense).

There is an also be overblown loyalty to one parent - if her mum is single she may feel sad or protective of her and think that being mean about or to you is helping her mum feel better.

You don’t need to know or decipher any of this. Just quietly step back.

In terms of the bigger picture, is DP worth the long haul? Only you know that. It’s hard to find Disney dads appealing. And high conflict exes need firm boundaries. Mostly, how does your own DD feel about it all?

Could you afford some sessions of therapy for her? Or ask whether the school can support in any way? She needs to talk to an independent trusted adult who isn't a (step) parent.

Has anyone pointed out that, just because she behaves this way, doesn't mean you and her dad will split up and her parents will get back together. I'm wondering if there is an element of this to her behaviour.

Your partner and his ex are doing their daughter a huge disservice. With the lack of boundaries they are not preparing her for the real world, where she will be told 'no' and she won't be able to handle it. I feel for you OP, there isn't really anything you can do here but sit and watch the fall out

If that is the case, she would need to kick the child out of the house whenever the Father isn't there.

You’ve got a husband problem, not a step daughter problem.

You can’t control of influence what his ex-wife does and the rules she chooses to have in her home. But you and your husband are a team. You need to agree on the standards and behaviors expected and both then to parent in the same way - if you’re the only one parenting the step daughter then you’ll always be seen as the evil step-mum. If you ask her to get her jumper and then your husband goes and does it, he’s completely undermining you. He needs to put in boundaries with his ex, stop trying to be a yes dad and be a parent. Your step-daughter might have a strop at first but she’ll realise that doesn’t work.

I would walk away from this shitshow to be honest. I can see this situation getting worse rather than better as DSD goes through puberty.

Don’t put yourself through it!

I don't think you should have her with you when her Dad isn't there, you are setting yourself up for all sorts of allegations from her. Keep yourself safe Op

It does sound as though there's been some overstepping of boundaries - you shouldn't have been parenting really, it's not your role. Equally, your dp shouldn't have been leaving you as the sole adult if you don't have the relationship for it.

It sounds as though there's an atmosphere now you've been asked not to continue with the more harsh parenting approach (without arguing who is right or wrong, it's ultimately up to the parents to decide). So it isn't surprising that she isn't feeling comfortable around you.

Your dp needs to work out his work so he can be the one there for his dd. And you need to find a way to be friendly and positive while remembering you aren't her parent.

So many people saying "no sweets if you don't eat dinner" is overstepping... wtf?! I'd say that to anyone's kid I was looking after.

If a parent doesn't believe their partner should be allowed to "parent" their DC, that partner shouldn't be left doing childcare (and child related chores!).

The kid is 9, this is a DP problem.

It sounds to me that her mum and day have that more gentle parenting style that is more common now - 10 years later than when you had your child. I am more like you personally, but I suppose you need to give respect to their way of doing it!
I do get what you're saying though, about the whole thing having become more deep rooted than that. Maybe you need to re-set with her - just be honest and explain to her how your way of bringing up your daughter was a bit stricter and that made sense to you... but now you realise that it upset her (step daughter) and you're going to step back and become 'fun aunt' or whatever...
You need to get her trust back. Maybe plan to be away a lot when she's over with dad, and then gradually over time 're-introduce' yourself back in...

Ps another thought: Maybe you need to work on getting closer to her mum, to work on this DSD issue together. That might help DSD get over her insecurity with you, if she sees that her mum trusts and gets on with you....

@Sunflower026 this won’t change if your partner doesn’t set boundaries with his ex. She shouldn’t be getting involved with issues that happen with the child at your house - she’s trying to play happy families and wants the three of them to do stuff together, which makes the child think there is hope for them to get back together ‘and if you weren’t on the scene that’s what would happen’.

It isn’t specifically you - it is you ‘between the parents reconciling’ in the child’s eyes, with the Mother doing nothing to set her straight.

I think you have to accept that this won’t be fixable if your partner cannot make clear to both of them that - child is always welcome, but ‘yours and partner’s house yours and partner’s rules’ and not for Mum to be involved. Likewise - at Mummy’s house, Mummy’s rules.

Pandering to the child out of a sense of guilt and wanting her to be happy will end up with an insecure child who will find it difficult to grow up - her parents will keep rescuing her.

I’ve seen this happen and I’d be prepared to walk away for my own sanity.

Her dad barely sees her so yes, he should be there when his DD is there and not leave it up to OP.