Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

”on the Fridays my SD is with her Mum, she tells her partner he has to sleep on a makeshift bed on the floor or on the sofa as they are having a sleepover and he must therefore leave the bed for that night. She has stated to my partner that he should be doing the same,”

This was your DP’s cue to get serious. Because it shows how demented his ex’s mindset and desire for control is.

Also from your update, no more school events, no more drop offs, no more chatting to the ex about anything. She is playing you like a violin!

Step away from it all and stop telling her anything. She fed you all the moving house nonsense to bait you. Your DP should not be be having 30 min calls from her about you. He needs rock solid boundaries where if she raises anything unreasonable he shuts down the conversation. “Rachel, I’m not going to talk about Sunflower. Was there anything else you wanted?’

But mostly, having read your updates, you have a massive DP problem.

2 nights ago was when the recent things came to a head for the 2nd time. She phoned my partner and told him how much his daughter disliked me and didn't like being in the house with me, that I wasn't friendly and I had caused a huge rift in the dynamics - I heard the whole phone call which lasted 30 minutes of me being slated.

Why did he allow her to go on for so long? Why didn't he shut it down? You really do have a DP problem if he thinks that's appropriate for her to spend 30 minutes slating you and he says nothing. He should have told her she was out of order and ended the call.

This!! Tge woman is not right in her mind. DP should've drawn some boundaries with her long time ago!! It's time he stops tiptoeing around her

If I was you I'd remove myself completely from DSD's life for now - no joint plans. Let DP spend time with her alone. No babysitting because DP is working - he's earned this. Smile and be friendly when you see her in your house but go and do your thing. You tried.

This is all on your DP, why on earth has he not shut this down? He should only be in contact with his ex to discuss the child, not you. Tell the ex and your partner that you will no longer be in involved in the child's care in anyway shape or form. No babysitting, drop offs, cooking, washing, homework etc, nothing. Leave it for the 2 parents to do everything...see how quickly attitudes change.

It sounds like her Mum wants it to go back to the three of them doing things together and she has worked and smashed that scenario into her DD's mind. The mum sounds like really hard work that disguises it so well, even your DP doesn't see it.

I'm glad you've stepped away from parenting her. You should feel free to go see friends, go shopping, take up a hobby and just not be around when she is there.

Or be really good to yourself and just step away from the relationship altogether. You and your DP don't have compatible parenting styles and honestly; he seems easily manipulated by his DD and his ex. Not exactly an attractive trait.

Where does your DD live?

Perhaps, when NDSD comes to the house, you can either go visit your DD or if she lives there, you both can go out and have girl's night. Or go out with a friend for girl's night or to someone's house for a dinner and movie night.
IOW--get a fun and rewarding life without the hassle of CDP and NDSD. That will give you the insight as the whether you are happier letting some child and wet lettuce partner control you or you get to control you. I know which one sounds like more fun.

BTW--Is the house 50/50? Is your name on the deed? I would just check to see how that would be handled if you went for your freedom from child/tween tyranny.

I'm rooting for you!

Yes, some 9-year-olds are just sweet and lovable. Some are confused and act out. Some are out and out manipulative brats. Some have stolen from others, assaulted and beat up weaker children, stolen cars, murdered other children or people, burned down homes, killed pet animals and been totally uncontrollable.

9-year-old child can be many things and we don't need to wear rose-colored glasses when discussing them.

The mother may be a controlling, out-of-her-mind narcissistic whack job. Those traits may or may not also be in the daughter. Time will tell.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck So true!

What a disgusting and arrogant comment.

Why?

Hi OP,

Really sorry to hear about your situation. You've done a great job being a step parent so far so well done!!! Your stepdaughter behaving out is non of your fault whatsoever so just try and relax.

I'm really sorry but it just sounds like your stepdaughter's mother is a right manipulative piece of work. I don't think she wants your husband back but just wants to upset you and him and just generally play the 'I'm the nicer parent card'. It's not doing your stepdaughter any favours but that's not your problem.

I've sort of been in this situation and the only thing you can do is try and turn a blind eye to how desperate your husband is with his ex-partner just because he wants his child in his life. Understand your husband will do ANYTHING so as to see his daughter. Please try not to let this upset you too much, and at the end of the day, if your stepdaughter doesn't want to stay with you then there's not too much you can do.

If she's used to playing her parents then as soon as something isn't right at her mum's in a few years then she'll come running back to your house. I've seen it in several families when the children just play their guilt-ridden parents.

TLDR, it's not your fault. Don't try and fix the problem. Just try not to let your husband's pandering to his crazy ex-girlfriend upset you too much. You don't want her in your life so don't let her into your life.

Honestly OP, you have done your best with a child that prefers her parents style of parenting.

You have been used for childcare, dinners, washing and money.
Can you really not see that.

You should 100% stop anything you do.
No childcare.

Keep your money for yourself.

Ultimately this relationship is not going to work, and will likely get far worse as she hits the teen years.

Get organised and sell the house, have your own place.

You can continue a business and relationship if you really want to, but have no involvement with his child.

Strictly separate finances too.

Stop trying to fix this. Focus on separate households and he he sees his child away from your shared home.

Do not agree to leave the house.
He sees his child elsewhere.

Harden up here.
He has allowed this to happen by his lazy shit parenting.

How you can find him attractive is beyond me to be honest.

Start protecting yourself.

Impossible to actually know of course but I wonder if the ex is actually over your DP? She is definitely driving the wedge of her daughter between you, she treats her DP appallingly, and is very keen on the 'just us' times. It wouldn't surprise me if the child sees both new partners as temporary, and the goal is to get her parents back together. She could even be being told by her Mum that this is the way to achieve that.
Has your DP ever actually had a conversation with his daughter to say you are a permanent fixture and even if you weren't he wouldn't be getting back together with her Mum?

Yes once, she said she knew they weren't getting back together she just enjoyed the times with the 3 of them and when daddy goes in for a tea at drop off and hangs out etc.

Just offer to meet - you, her and your DP
then she can’t play you off against each other

send her some print outs off the damage that alienation can do to a child?

Hi,
Yes my name is on the mortgage. My DD lives at home with us. I have started going out more and doing my own thing, however, my partner thinks this will create a different problem.
He believes that it will go from his DD not liking the way I talk, my tone of voice etc, to thinking I do not care about her and am annoyed with her. Lose lose tbh.

I am aware my partner is being a wet blanket but I can also sympathise as to the position he is in. Because his ex is so manipulative and wants to be the favourite parent, she has rolled this onto their DD. Their DD lives with her Mum more and therefore has a bigger influence in her lift. Their daughter is hyper sensitive and like most children, easy manipulated.

We believe this started because their daughter complained about me telling her off or asking her to pick up after herself or insisting she had a bedtime that wasn't the same as ours - things like that. In her eyes, Mummy and Daddy let her get away with everything, have very few boundaries and use a very calm almost sing song voice, she is never told off etc. As I was different to that, she hated it. She pushed back, complained and wanted me to change - instead of her Mum discussing this as adults, she discussed it with her daughter and agreed with her and took her side (even though many lies were actually told). I was the villain.

At no point was a healthy discussion had - yes, there were things I had probably overstepped on as she was a child in my home and often in my care. There were also things that were downright lies. There was things that were exaggerated. At no point was a discussion had as to what changes we could make but what couldn't be changed as it was just me as a person, part of who I am and how I talk. Everyone has things that we do not like, we are all human and it is part of learning to except people's flaws.
In this case, the Mum didnt want to have that discussion with us, she told my partner the issues their DD had told her and that was that. She made it clear that either it all changed or their DD would refuse to come over (which she has done on a few occasions)

I just can't shake the feeling that she is being taught that if someone is different to Mummy and Daddy and you dont like them, either they have to change or they will be removed from your life. I am not sure that is a great life lesson.

As I said, I have stripped it all back - I do not do meals, I do not ask her to tidy up, I do not insist on a bedtime, I do not kick back with how many sweets she has, I go out more at the weekends. However, it seems she now just has an issue that is deep routed and fed by the mother.

Its very hard and yes, my partner must share some of the blame but he literally doesnt have a leg to stand on. He did try to put boundaries in place and he did try to be firmer with her etc - then it all kicked off in January so look at where we are now. He doesnt have the support of his ex wife and his daughter knows that. She knows that if she doesnt like something, Mummy will believe her and be in her corner and Daddy will have to make the changes.

Its very sad.

The teenage years are going to be hell. It’s bad enough now, but it’ll get worse then. She’s already manipulating you all, aided and abetted by her mum, with dp falling into place. Those years are going to be terrible.

God it sounds like hell on earth for you,but youre doing the right thing stepping back,do nothing for her, so what if she thinks you don't care or annoyed with her! Her behaviour is despicable.
Your partner doesn't deserve you, what's wrong with discipline? The child needs to learn in life people will say 'NO' to her and she needs to get that through her head.
She is going to be an awful entitled madam by 13, your husband will have absolutely no control over her behaviour by then. But on a lighter note you'll be long gone by then as this is only going to get worse for you.

Why are you so desperate to make things work with your partner? I don't mean that I'm a disparaging way, but it's pretty clear this is never going to get better. In fact, as PPs have said, it's more than likely to get worse as she turns into a teenager.

I'm so sorry, but I think you should cut your losses now.

been there tried that - she doesn't think that there is a need to do that, she says it is their child and the 3 of us do not need to have a conversation together.

He sent her a long letter recently about how some of what is happening affects their daughter. He addressed the amount of messages their DD receives on her ipad app during their time together, he addressed the emotional pull on their DD when she receives messages saying how much the Mum loves her and misses her (I mean multiple a day not one or two), he addressed that he thought their DD felt the need to make things up and things seem worse at our house then they actually are because she felt that her Mum needed to hear that. He really put it all on the line but tried to do it in a non accusatory way and stated that he knew he needed to make some changes to etc.

She sent one back last week. She stated that her and their DD relationship was so close and they missed each other when parted and that was why the messages took place - she ignored the fact that it is always her that send the first one and their DD then responds.
She stated that their DD simply did not like me and blamed me for the change in the relationship (the Mum and Dad) - she ignored the fact that a lot of that is due to them disagreeing with things his ex has said and done.
Basically for everything he said, she had a counter and a different view point of it so nothing got resolved.

I have started going out more and doing my own thing, however, my partner thinks this will create a different problem
The cynic in me thinks yeah - the problem being he will have to parent his own child

he is not against discipline, as a rule he will always have a more lenient approach then I did with my DD, but that is his way and his choice. The issue is that when he tried this approach, it backfired and I got the blame for it by his ex and my SD.
Basically they have him over a barrel - either play their game, give in and do what makes them both happy, or he doesnt see his child.
Its disgusting but that is literally the choice he is faced with.

On the times his DD has said she doesnt want to come to us because of X Y Z (usually to do with me but not always), her Mum will just said Ok dont go then. So she will always come across as the number 1 parent in her daughters eyes.

Because when she is not there we have a fantastic relationship. Because I saw how low he was when we met because of things that happened during their marriage and divorce. Because we have been through a lot together for other things that have happened in our lives.
I guess I just want to try everything I can to make it work before calling it a day.

I can 100% see why you think that. What he is saying is that by me going out more when she is there and doing my own thing, he believes his DD will then have a different issue. He believes that she will start to feel uncomfortable and that I am going out because of her etc, that I do not want to be around her because of the things she has said etc.

I get that. But she's never going to be "not there" for any significant amount of time. Ever. And he's always going to put her first, rightly so, but his idea of putting her first includes bowling down to his ex's demands no matter how unreasonable they are.