Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

It seems your step daughter is used to getting her own way as her parents are loath to upset her because of the divorce. However your attempts to put up normal boundaries are upsetting her and she's decided it's you or her. Obviously you're not leaving your own house so presumably she's not going to stay over in the foreseeable future? It's really up to your partner to deal with this and in your shoes I'd be backing away from any attempts at parenting. They'll reap what they sow.

@Dogfishy
The child is about 9. She was 4 when the op and her dad got together.

she is only 9, not 10 until November so not quite a teenager. We feel it is a combination of her wanting me to behave in the same way her mum and dad do - very little rules, boundaries etc. Some of the things she told her mum was not even true, they were completely made up things. however, her mum would not acknowledge it.

Your partner should talk to his daughter directly and find out what's going on from her perspective rather than allowing her comments and complaints to be filtered through the mother. It may be appropriate for the mother to intervene in an exceptional situation if the daughter is in danger or genuinely distressed, but she's not an objective party and it's inappropriate of her to be trying to dictate how her ex interacts with his daughter during their time together.

Stop parenting her altogether. If she is rude or badly behaved tell your DP to deal with the situation. Maybe arrange to go and do your own thing when she is there, leave DP to cook, clean and do whatever she needs. Give yourself a break from her.

Yes she is used to being told yes and not being made to do anything for herself etc. As i said, if she doesnt want to do it, eat it etc, then she is not made to. I have backed off so much, it seems the issue is deep routed with her no matter what i do. My presence is enough to upset her right now.

I am not disputing that. I am upset that there is so much more to me then a harsher tone but that is all she is seeing. As i said, the situation is not helped by her mum siding with her and not willing to work with us on how to fix it as a unit.

yes she is 9 nearly 10.

part of the issue is the mum. she has told us a lot of different things and always said that the child does not want to talk to us about it, she wants to speak with her mum and for her mum to relay it to us. When my partner did try to talk to her directly, she just cried and wouldnt speak. then she refused to come the following weekend. so eventually he had to stop.

She's 9.

I think it’s difficult if there are very different rules in two places if she is only 9. Unless there are any concerns about her diet then I would have the same rules in both houses .

I’d get out of there op, you won’t win in my experience. Nothing you ever do will be right and you’re not getting any backing from your DP.

nope, as i said in the original post, i have never shouted once. By tone, i meant stern or similar. For example, if she has made a mess with something I will say something like 'oh XXX can you be careful with that its made a mess' in a tone that warrants whatever it is she has done. Whereas her mum and dad will say something more like 'oh no, lets clean that up' - no accountability for the mess created or whatever.
Its hard to get across what i mean!

There is not a lot you can do @Sunflower026
You're not her parent so can't make her eat her vegetables etc. It sounds like you care about these issues but her parents do not. So, your only option is to back off entirely and hope that her dad can parent her the way you view is right, or to leave

OP I have been in your exact situation but it didn’t start this early.

Try not to put the blame on the child, but her parents. One her dad needs to grow a backbone, and two her mother is manipulating her. Instead of saying how different people have different rules she’s throwing you under the bus.

Try and step back, but by no means change your approach in your own home.

Things do get better as they get older and learn to think for themselves. <3

no my partner isnt happy with the situation. He agrees that he and his ex are too soft on her, he says he just wants her to be happy and doesnt like to upset her. He knows that all I have done over the years is try to show her right from wrong and guide her. He doesnt disagree with the things I have said to her, he knows I am right in saying them.
His problem is that his ex supports the child in this so he either needs to address it with me or his child will stop coming over to stay.

The tone, its literally just everyday stuff. I may of asked her to bring her jumper down with her for school, she comes down on her ipad with no jumper so i may say something like 'come on XXX ipad away, go get the jumper, i need you to listen' something like that. Whereas my partner would just go and get the jumper for her.

I have stepped back massively and do not say any of these things anymore, it seems the issue has taken root though and now whatever i say or do is wrong