Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

I agree with @Silverbirchleaf, you’ve done nothing wrong. One of the most reviled characters on Mumsnet is the fun dad, the Disney dad, the one who won’t set any boundaries - and yet, according to some posters, you’re expected to be a passive female version of exactly that.
You’re trying to do the right thing by your stepdaughter whilst being constantly undermined by her parents, and I applaud you for it.

Well presumably your DP was there and knows you don’t speak harshly to the child so why cant he tell his ex so?

Awwww does the truth hurt? 🥺

From what I've understood, the situation seems to have deteriorated since you moved in together. I think the reality has hit her; no chance of mum and dad getting back together, you and you daughter having "more" of him etc. I think it's jealousy and disappointment coming out, not helped by her mother's poor parenting. She also sees that she is the most important in her mother's life and wants her father to behave similarly and prove he loves her best. No advice as I can't see a way out unless your partner takes a stand. How is your child dealing with the situation?

Overstepping my butt

If a child is coming to your home frequently then you have got the right to expect some basic courtesy

in this scenario I can foresee a right headache for you going forward

I would just return to your normal relationship with the child - be consistent polite fair etc because regardless of what you do the mother is going to make your life hell

Should add the child is probably going to hate you even more into adulthood as her mother continues to drive the wedge

With me isolated as the only one the ex and kids don’t speak to, whilst DH is on speaking terms with them all again. All I did was try to stick up for him and stop him being walked over, but obviously he is easily forgiven due to being their dad and I’m not.
Then comes the expectation of having to put a smile on your face and be polite to them, whilst the whole time they are ignoring you and being rude to you, but you can’t have emotions about that, because the kids come first. Its fucking awful op, not even being dramatic here, but fucking run!

How often is this little girl with you?

You mentioned Wednesdays so is it every other weekend and a Weds night (until she stopped staying over)?

So her Dad only sees her 4 days and 4 evenings a month?

I use the word child instead of her name, Ive never used the terms DS etc that you all seem to use. Apologies if that was misinterpreted

WTF???

“The child” is not going to OP’s home.

“The child” is going to her own home.

The house is just as much stepdaughters home as it is OP’s.

It’s OP’s partners job to parent.

If OP doesn’t agree with her partners parenting then she needs to end the relationship. It’s as simple as that.

This is all more than likely coming from her mum. You've not done anything wrong here. Ignore all the idiots above implying that you have.

You are criticising her mum, making her mum the problem , and she is criticising you. You will never win that battle.

You need to stop seeing her mum as a bad parent / the bad guy. Focus on your relationship with your SDC. Dont engage with the mother if she is stirring trouble. Let your partner speak to his daughter.

Step back on the parenting discipline/ boundaries- leave that to your partner, you don't have the same kind of authority . try to build a different kind of relationship with your SDC.

he has done so but he reply was 'it doesnt matter if it did or didnt happen, it is how XXX feels'

wow. some nasty people on here thats for sure. why ????

Somehow you need to get her to say to you both what is going on.
Not have conversations via her mother.
She cried the last time you both tried to speak to her about it so you gave up. This might be out of loyalty to her mother. Or because she was found out to be lying. Or exaggerating. Or that mum does.
Either way you will not get any peace unless you all sit down together, mum, you and partner and her. And find out what is going on.

she is 19. she is hurt on my behalf as can see how much ive put into his daughter.

Yeah making meals into a battle is not good. I'm glad you have stopped engaging with her on that front.

The poster you quoted gave good, fair, balanced and insightful advice.

Your reply was “thanks but stop commenting”.

Perhaps it was because that poster wasn’t telling you what you wanted to hear.

So does the truth hurt? Or was there another reason you wanted them to stop commenting on a public forum?

we have her overnight on a Wednesday, every other friday to sunday and 50% of the school holidays.

She is still staying over on the weekends, just not the wednesdays. For now. The phone call was last night when the ex said she was so upset and didnt like me at all etc.

She is 19 ? I thought honestly you were talking about a younger teenager.
At 19 I would expect her to be able to talk to you directly. And not have messages relayed via mum.
As to what she eats. Up to her. She is a grown adult. I would not say she has to eat all her vegetables etc. Not to a 19 year old.

we asked, her mum refused.

Op is allowed to have rules in her own house. I wouldn't like cosy little outings either. It sounds like it's entirely the mother being manipulative and the child is the one that will suffer from it eventually.
I see no reason why a child, family, visitor whatever cannot pick up after themselves, what kind of idiot tells a child to get a jumper and when they say no the idiot just goes and gets it? that's mental.
Sorry you're getting a lot of stick from the perfect mummy's. It sounds like things were ok until your dh put a stop to the outings. I have no idea what you can do until your dh puts his foot down with his ex and child.

Did she explain why ?

Ds1 step mother use to try and parent him tell him what to wear what to eat etc and it really made him dislike her. It was a case he wanted his dad to parent him not his wife. Step mom had would over step on many occassion parents evening first achievements etc. He was roughly the same age and they all had a dicussion. She some what stepped back and it got alot better. It sounds like youve completely taken over the parenting and discpline which is why this child has a dislike towards you. Your dp needs to see his child seperately and rebuild that parenting relationship with her and be a parent. On a note ds had a good relationshio with my dh because he would leave the parenting to me but support me and my rules.