Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

thank you. There are so many layers to this situation. His ex is manipulative and has been caught lying on a few occasions. She even tried to play me and him off against each other.
When this first kicked off in January, she phoned him and told him how it was all my fault as i was a horrid person etc. I phoned her to discuss it directly and she told me she didnt blame me and it was all my partners fault.

The list goes on and on and on.

I believe the child had some issues with rules and discipline at our house and although it was both of us carrying it out, she blamed me for it and took against me for me. fair play, shes a young child. I believe she told the mum these things and it snow balled from there, the mum has ran with it.

On many occasions the child has had a lovely time at ours, the joy on her face cannot be faked (in our opinion) and then the next day my partner will get a phone call from his ex saying how the child cried for 2 hours because of XYZ that happened at ours at the weekend.

We started to wonder if the child was making up things to her mum so her mum felt secure if the child's love for her or something along those lines.

In one weekend, the child received 20 messages from the mum telling her how much she missed her, how much she loved her and all the things she had planned for their weekend together.

Sounds like she is struggling, while you have been an adult in her life for a few years, her understanding of the situation will change as she is a child.

She probably doesn't have the words or understanding to explain exactly what the issue is, to effectively vocalise her discomfort. I suspect her not speaking to her dad may be because she doesn't trust him in that way, its not unusual with children.

None of this is majorly your issue OP, I think you should be kind, friendly but stop all discipline, comments, care and let DP do it. Which will be hard because he sounds like a limp lettuce parent, but it will only get worse if you step in.

Hopefully she will feel properly secure again and things will get better, but in general just protect yourself by disengaging from any responsibility.

What you need to keep in mind as well is that at 9 she may not have the full language skills to explain her feelings (she may not even understand them).

At 9 it can be very black and white. “I don’t like rules and sunflower gives rules therefore I don’t like sunflower”

An adult could articulate they don’t think it’s your place to have rules for them that are different to their parents rules as you’re not their parent.

At this kind of age the dislike of you having rules around dinner, for example, might be that she doesn’t like your rules, but equally it could be that she doesn’t like the fact that on her dads time with her he’s not there.

When she was eager to spend time with you and your DD I’d bet there was more days out/fun activities than homework and eating veggies? Hence maybe wanting back to the fun days out with both of her parents (especially if they both lack boundaries for her).

The mum sounds really jealous of you . What a terrible shame, in a situation that could be so good for her dd to have a loving stepparent and a whole group of adults who care for her deeply.

I wonder if she is trying to get things back how they used to be, when the parents were still acting like a family even though they were split up? And possibly hoping they would get back together? She’s young enough that she might still think that could happen. I’m guessing that her mother’s new partner doesn’t do any parenting? I think things are often harder for step-mums (I am one) as there are often higher expections than for step-dads.

thank you for the response. but it is my job to do her washing, clean her room, pay towards holidays, cook for her, look after her. I entered a relationship with my partner knowing he had a child, I have loved that child and provided for her and cared for her.

I have stopped it all. a few months ago.

@Sunflower026 Your last sentance nails the problem. All of this is a battle of the adults, your stepdaughter is but a pawn. She doesn’t hate you but she has learnt the effect of her words, how they please or displease the adults around her. At the end of the day, it’s all about human nature

yes the days out with her parents and lunches etc are full of gifts, no veg and lots of sweets

No it isn't your job either. Those things are her parent's jobs. She clearly doesn't feel much love from you, all she gets is stern words and rules that her parents didn't use to have. You have changed her life, but not in a positive way. If you want to you can still be in her life, but let her parents do the parenting.

I don’t actually think you’ve done anything wrong. . Your examples show that have done every day parenting, put in boundaries, and not let her get her own way and She doesn’t like it. Shes used to people dancing to her tunes, especially if she’s an only child.

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It sounds like you have done all the things I would suggest - never be alone with her, leave her father to parent her completely. This is difficult.
I think you need to ask your DP what he wants to do. Either you could move out and you are together but don’t live together (probably would be my solution) or he sees his daughter regularly away from the family home, given you are ‘the problem’. If you move out and wait her out, I’m guessing in about 5 years, or even earlier, she will hardly be coming to dads anyway. Just a feeling. Also future problems (there will be many with that parenting) cannot be blamed on you. If I were your DP, I would not reward his ex by resuming the family style days out. They are no longer together and it will just confuse his daughter.

"but it is my job to do her washing, clean her room, pay towards holidays, cook for her, look after her. I entered a relationship with my partner knowing he had a child, I have loved that child and provided for her and cared for her." Just stop. She clearly doesnt appreciate any of it. Tell your partner that if he's not there she's not there. It is his job to do these things. 'Ask your dad' is now the answer to everything.

I'm a step parent myself and have been for many years.

This little girl is trying to tell her dad she's unhappy and you seem determined to minimise or dismiss her concerns.

Her dad really needs to listen to what she is trying to say to him. If she doesn't like you then that may not change and there's very little you can do about it. He will need to really consider how he handles the situation going forward and how he balances the two sides of his life.

It may be he sees her on his own and works on their relationship separately without you there and then you carry on your relationship separately.

Some families never really blend successfully and that is the reality. You can't force people to get along if they don't want to, that's a recipe for disaster. Just because she's a child, she shouldn't be forced to spend time with an adult she doesn't like in close quarters.Before people throw the argument that families have to do this routinely and you don't get to pick them, it really doesn't compare. Rarely do you have to spend every single weekend with auntie X or uncle Y, or share a kitchen/bathroom/possibly bedroom with them.

Just let him spend time with her alone and get their relationship back on track. The most important thing is he listens and doesn't minimise how she's feeling. She's only 9 and needs her dad to step up for her.

Oh dear.
Blended families never seem to work.

This child is coming up to the age (for girls) where puberty hormones start to kick in.

It's very difficult for you @Sunflower026 because you're putting in boundaries which this girl sees as you being unpleasant to her. You're not, of course - but she's never been told "no" so that's why she's upset.

Your husband needs to step up and parent the child. He needs to support you when you tell her what she must do.

she seems to have accepted they wont get back together but she wants them to be 'best friends' and socialise together, hang out and do days out the 3 of them.

Her mums new partner looks after her quite a bit on his own as his job is very flexible, he doesnt seem to have any rules either for her (but then again he also doesnt see his own 2 children barely). The mum has stated that also he lives with her (in her flat) he is not important in her life. she treats him very disrespectfully. she kicks him out their bed every fortnight Friday so they can have a sleepover and makes him sleep on the sofa, she has often made him sit in the back of the car and the child sits on the front seat, when she goes out with the child on her own,she literally says 'we're going out on our own and you're not invited' (her own words to us)

Fuck me I could have written this 3 years ago. It gets worse! Sorry OP

wow. have you read anything i have written? I have come here for support because I am feeling shit and although i do not expect everyone to agree with me, i expect the replied to not be so awful.

I am married to a man who has two teenage daughters. I do not parent them. One of them hardly speaks to me, the other one is friendlier. They are both deeply enmeshed with their mother (who is a highly manipulative narcissist, in my opinion).

The parent is your partner, not you. I bite my tongue constantly. Don't intervene in the relationship between this girl and her parents because you can't win. Just take a step back and do your own thing.

And leave your partner to do the parenting and laying down of boundaries. If anyone needs to tell this girl to eat up her veggies, it's her father, not you. (Been there, been bitten, not worth it).

Stepdaughter is not the issue- her parents are. You are not unreasonable to do things like ask her to pick up after herself but logically speaking, it was inevitable that having a different view of child development would lead to the parents blaming you and making you the bad guy.

It won’t get better because she knows that her parents disagree with basic standards like tidying your own mess. The parents are both lazy and their permissive ways will end up biting them on the arse but don’t end up staying long enough to witness this. You can’t win because you’re not a parent and they are united in their lazy child raising philosophy. Your choice is to leave or comply with their ideas. I know what I would pick

according to some of the posts, especially Snoken, i have no right to say anything to her. thank you x

You cannot be pushed out of your own home but you should do the minimum of parenting of her as I wouldn't personally trust her. I suspect - don't know of course - that even at that age, the child will be hopeful that mummy and daddy will reunite. It's possible she thinks that based on the levels of friendliness, and from her perspective there's only you (and maybe ex's partner) in the way.

Sadly, you and your partner are not agreed on your joint parenting rules and rules for your household. And like all good psychological terrorists, she can see her father's lack of resolve and self doubt, and with it wiliness to cave. These rules must be agreed upon and laid out otherwise she is going to take the pi55 for years to come. And it won't be good for her, let alone you. She's young enough that reinforcement can still occur, but it needs to happen soon.

IMO you have a partner problem as much as you have a SD problem

Why do you know so much about what happens at mums?

You, your partner and his ex have different parenting values. The child is caught in the middle, you can leave them to it and save the child some anguish. Not ideal, but its her parents issue to sort out.

All the chores you mentioned shouldn't have been happening - she's his responsibility as a PP said if he isn't there neither is she. Not out of punishment or spite but because you are not what she wants and why should you have to take responsibility.

sadly that is already a done deal. she has convinced him that this is what the child wants and needs so they are spending her birthday together just the 3 of them, I am not allowed to see her or be part of it.

only thing I would say is it’s not your job to make her finish her vegetables etc

cleaning up after herself is fine and valid in your home but the rest is your DH’s decision, unless he’s leaving her solely in your care?

always so tough in these situations, OP x