Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

I think a lot of the time it just comes down to that most parents just find other people's kids annoying. People simply don't have the same feelings/leniency for other people's kids like the do for their own imo.

You probably think you do a great job with rules and boundaries with your daughter and your partner may believe you don't have the right rules or boundaries. I'm not saying this is definitely the case, im just saying that it's quite common that step parents find their step children more of a nusiance because it simply isn't their child lol. That's my HONEST opinion.

and how did it end up?

I have read it. You speak to her with a stern tone, you have told her dad that you don't want him to have a close relationship to her mum anymore, you enforce rules that her parents have never had. None of those things are going to improve your relationship with her. Even if you have taken a step back now and don't interact with her much, she will still see you as the villain. Would you honestly have been fine if a man came into yours and your DD's life at that age and started changing what she could or could not do, and made demands on your relationship with her dad?

I am not saying that your rules are horrible or anything, but those are not the rules that they have within that family, and the tone you use when you speak to their child is not the tone her parents use with her.

You can't blend families and expect how someone parents their child to be how you would have done it. Your child is an adult, you have done your bit.

Did you just call a 9 year old child a 'psychological terrorist' or did I misunderstand what you wrote?

She is a child, she didn't choose any of this and at 9 is probably understanding her split family in a new light - it happens as children develop, grow and understand their world.

Calling her a psychological terrorist is really nasty and uncalled for (If that's what you meant to say).

i am a parent just not her parent. I know that you meant thought, thank you x

she tells him thats how we know, as i said, they are her own words.

Please tell us you are not a step parent.

That's a really vile post.

You shouldn't force people to eat things they don't like. That can actually be quite damaging and cause ED.

But as others say, she's your partners problem. Don't clean up after her or do things for her but also don't tell her what to do or get angry. Just go out or do something else if she's annoying you.

You shouldn't have to be the bad cop. She's got two parents and they need to do what they think is best.

on a wednesday I was doing her dinner as he was at work so thats when this came into play. from January we changed things so I no longer do her dinners. I no longer ask her to tidy up or anything.

I did use that phrase. Children of virtually any age can be highly manipulative, even if it is coming from a seat of feeling unhappy, disturbed etc etc. They will lie, make up stuff (as OP is already experiencing) without regard to the consequences. Combined with a mother who is supporting and possibly fanning the flames of this young girl's discontent, it is potentially a very difficult scenario. One in which I would even consider having hidden cameras in common areas (legally allowed) in case of accusations. Professionally I have dealt with people who have had their lives nearly destroyed by kids (of c8, 9 yrs old) who claimed one thing happened and then later admitted they lied but they just wanted to get the adult in trouble.

I can see why she’s upset tbh.

Her parents split when she was really young. Both parents got into new relationships but would still put their daughter first and have days out as the 3 of them. This probably made the girl feel more secure.

Then the days out and time together stopped. She only sees her parents separately now. Her parents are soft on her, but suddenly dads girlfriend is telling her what to do. Why should a child listen to the instructions from an un-related adult if her own parents don’t give her these types of instructions?

This is exactly why blending families with children is selfish. It unsettles and confuses innocent children.

I am a stepparent and a very happy one at that with two lovely step kids. My DH and I are very united in our approach to parenting, and we have a solid relationship with their mother. We respect her and jointly agree on some (not all) approaches to parenting. The kids know and accept there are some things they do in our / her house that they may not do / are not an expectation in the other

It gets worse ...

Wtf am I reading?

Professionally you really need effective oversight if this is what you are advising.

I thank you for your comments but would appreciate you not commenting on my post anymore. thank you.

The impossibility of being a stepmum. Expected to be responsible financially, practically and in every single way but never allowed to have a single opinion or exist fully.

For what it’s worth, OP, their parenting style sounds absolutely shit - both of them. If my DS had a stepmum, I would of course want her to make sure my DC didn’t eat rubbish all the time, and had manners and good boundaries. Because that’s what good parents want for their children. Why would anyone want their kid to grow up to be entitled and to expect the world to revolve around them around them?

I don’t agree with parents who have split up spending loads of time together jointly with the child. It’s so confusing for the child and just perpetuates their challenges with understanding that mum and dad are not a couple.

Your DSD’s mum is clearly doing what she can to undermine your relationship with your DSD, but sadly your DP is allowing this and together they’ve made you the villain in this girls eyes.

Yep - you'e over stepping, especially if her dad ins't setting such standards and rules. It's not your place.

That being said, her parents sound a bit useless.
if dad doesn't want to upset her aged 9 he's in for all sorts of fun when she's 15.

I disagree, while I agree that she shokd steps way given the mess her air gets are creating, she's not crossing the line by telling her to finish her veg before having treats.

And the funny thing is her mom will probably be one of those that demands that OPs assets must be shared equally with her daughter even through the expectation is she can't parent or correct her.

We're on the same page that OP needs to step back and let them do their thing but I also recognize that is not exactly viable long term for a relationship and she may need to reassess things and walk away from the relationship all together at some point especially now the girl doesn't even want to come over if OP is there.

She might as well move on so he can focus on his daughter and pander to her every whim so he doesn't upset her.

You’ve no chance of having a good relationship with her with her parents parenting so poorly.

Tbh I’d have the absolute ick with my partner for his shit parenting at this point.

He’s utterly failing his child. Regardless of what her mother does or doesn’t do he sounds like a very poor parent who’d rather be her friend than her parent.

I wouldn’t want to be around the issues that’s going to create when she’s older

I'm not advising anything to a stranger on the internet but I am saying I have seen it go very wrong. I feel very sorry for the OP, who is acting out of love and concern but being undermined left right and centre. Furthermore, if the OP's relationship breaks up, it will not do this little girl any good either

With this update I think that possibly she does think they will get back together. Her mother has made it clear her new partner is not that important, and coupled with you being the only person who implements any type of sensible parenting you are the only ‘obstacle’ in the way. Your partner is falling in line with going back to the three of them spending time together, so looks like it is working.
I think you need to decide if this is the right relationship for you. I don’t think your partner is going to be able to stand up to either of them.

It's definitely not your job to do any of that, the child has two parents.

Instead of focussing on the kid and her parents, focus on you and your child. Having a boyfriend is for making your life easier, fun and better. Does living with this man do that for your child and you?
Plan and prioritise your happiness and future.

I’m really struggling with the language you use to refer to your ‘step-daughter’ calling her ‘the child’ feels so dispassionate. You are think of this entirely from your own view point and not hers. Her world dramatically changed at 4 years old. It does sound like you ‘like’ her very much which children pick up in. It’s right you have boundaries and should stick to these. But she is now 9/10 and that is an age when children are testing boundaries, developing an understanding of their emotional power etc. stick to your boundaries, don’t change strong parenting but be compassionate to her and think of what it must be like to be a child in this situation. She is just testing you - and that’s ok - but stick to your guns. You are likely to be the most reliable person in her life

Jesus Christ.

This poor young girls life was turned upside down by her parents splitting, spending time together and then nothing. Going from one house with no boundaries to another house where an unrelated adult is telling her what to do and making threats.

And you’re suggesting hidden cameras to catch out a “psychological terrorist” child.

Vile. Absolutely vile.

That is an age in girls when they can start to get a little more challenging (talking from step mumming experience and observing primary school children) as they start testing boundaries, exerting more independence, some start dealing with hormones.

I have a step daughter and I recognise the challenge of her having different household vibes. At ours, there were more people and younger siblings, there needed to be more structure and more team work. At her mum's she was (and is) treated as a best friend. And that's where it was really tricky. She pushed back so much more with me than my boys ever did. And it's not a super strict household!

Similar would happen on family holidays, when she's away with just her mum they could do whatever they wanted and whenever they wanted, and her mum has always leant into the being best friends thing with her. On our family holidays, when they were younger we had babies and toddlers to factor in and when they got older we'd plan trips and activities for that we'd all enjoy but that means sometimes it's something a younger boy or a dad wants to do that doesn't appeal so much to her (steam train related often!) and she'd be more of a grump about compromising than anyone else ever was.

We're absolutely fine with each other, I'm not an evil step mum, but there were some years (especially when she was 10-12) which were pretty tricky. Actually, even when she was younger and I'd be used to wrangling a toddler, young child and a couple of dogs, it would be the mornings she was with us before school which would be the most challenging. I did things like dropping one son off at breakfast club those mornings and walking the dogs with her and the baby so we got some fresh air and chat before driving to school - that did help her to be better regulated going into school that getting straight into the car in a stress.

But I'm going into the details too much here. I just mostly want to say: I get it, it's tricky, I feel for you. It got better for us but she's also distanced herself as she's got older - Covid and then a very busy social life mainly are the reasons. We've had no falling out, she's invited and welcome at every meal out, holiday, trip, wedding.

My advice? It's tricky. I sort of just stuck it out? I talked with the mum and stepdaughter about why our household needs to work as a team, there are too many people for us all to do what we want when we want, that when I ask the kids to help with something or do something independently e.g. "time to pop your shoes on", I'm not trying to be mean, I just want us to leave the house with shoes on. We had conversations about trust and respect with the other parent early doors.

I think it helped to do some of those school drop off and pick ups as I got to know some of her school mates and their parents and I could talk with her teacher.

I know in my heart of hearts that I am a more peripherary character in her life than lots of other people. I'm like an aunt and that's OK. I also know that I've been there for her throughout, I've been steady and constant, I've been reliable and helpful, I've ferried her around her hobbies and activities, I've watched all her concerts and sports matches, I've made sure her childhood birthdays with us were special even though all her friend parties were with her mum - we still had cake and candles, balloons and a family treat at ours, she's included in my mum's answer to how many grandchildren she has. Where am I going with this? Why do I think this is helpful for you to hear? Um, I guess because I want to say that you're not some big bad evil stepmum for having a different parenting style to her mum.

It's sad that it sounds like your husband isn't really supporting you.

Oh I know what I wanted to say too - one of my best mates had a similar but different upbringing to my stepdaughter - she lived mostly with her mum and would see her dad and stepmum every other weekend. Her mum's fun and also wants that best friend with her only daughter kind of relationship. Her stepmum's more down to earth. She tells me that she gets different things that she needs from adult female relationships now she's an adult. She loves that she can rely on her step mum, she trusts her around sensible life advice (mortgages, wills etc) and knows she always has her best interest at heart. Her mum is lovely but a bit of a loose canon, she's not super helpful or sensible. So I also kind of hope for that with my stepdaughter and for you with yours.

Finally (sorry this is so bloody long), look at your relationship with your daughter, look at her upbringing, her successes and dreams and let yourself acknowledge that you do know what you're doing, don't let this other woman gaslight you into thinking you're a shit mum because a 9 year old doesn't like doing chores.

I did not say i have ever made her eat anything she doesnt like - she literally eats nuggets, pizza and plain pasta. She doesnt like anything else and has never been forced to eat anything else The only veg/fruit she eats is cucumber, peas and sometimes an apple.

Every meal is a battle, every meal she bargains how much she wants to it. My post was meaning that if she hadnt eaten her dinner because she stated she was full, i simply would say thats fine but no sweets. No force feeding. I only ever did this when my partner was not in the house and she was in my care.

As previously stated, this all stopped in January.