Step daughter issues

[Sunflower026]

First post here so please be gentle. I am literally at the end of my tether. This will likely be a long post, I need to get it all out and feel I cannot confide in my friends as none of them are in a similar situation.

I met my partner nearly 5 years ago, he was recently divorced and had a 4 year old daughter. I had a 14 year old girl at the time. Things progressed, his daughter wanted to stay more and more with me and my daughter and then last year we took the plunge and got a house together.

Things were always a little weird with his ex wife (also in a new relationship) as they both were very friendly and for me no boundaries were in place. They would go out on day trips the 3 of them, have lunches and on drop offs he would go in for a cup of tea etc. He knew I thought it was a bit too much but he said it was for the good of their daughter.

Over time, a lot of it stopped. I was blamed by her for this. Not the case. No i didnt like it but over time my partner agreed that the child did not need all these things anymore so stopped doing them. He wanted to remain friendly with his ex which is fine with me.

Fast forward nearly 5 years and bang, everything exploded. His daughter started saying how unhappy she was at ours, that she didnt like me, she thought i was too harsh with her, put boundaries in place and parented her in a way she doesnt like - shes 9, nearly 10. She wouldnt say anything of this to us, she cried on multiple occasions to her mum and it was relayed to us. It shocked us. My partner and his ex do not have many boundaries in place or rules, they do not like upsetting the child in question so they let a lot go pass and let her decide what she wants and when. No is a rarely used word. I am more strict and when she is in my care I do like boundaries, nothing extreme, simple things like finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself. General household things. I have never once shouted at her or anything like that.

Anyway, after this outburst I had to strip things back and not parent her in a way i felt was right, its been hard and there has been an atmosphere but i thought we were making progress. we have just come back from a 2 week holiday and i thought we had a great time.

Then last night his ex phoned and told him how much the child dislikes me, that she does not want to be in the house with me and that she still doesnt like how i speak or how i do things. I am so upset, I am not a bad person at all and there are so many good things i do, but its all forgotten because of a tone of voice. Her mum is backing her up and saying she agrees.

Its causing so much tension at home, I just do not know what to do or where to turn.

I really sympathise with you OP, having been in the same position myself. My DSD started turning against me when she was 9, as a result of a lot of manipulation from her mother. We are now nearly 20 years on and things are ok, but it took a long time and it was not pleasant. If your partner is not on your side then things will be hard. It seems as a stepmother you can't do anything right. I would think carefully what is best for you and your own daughter. Good luck.

no my daughter is 19. His daughter is 9. you asked how my daughter was dealing with it.

Ops dd is 19 step child is 9.

so op’s daughter is 19 and step daughter is 9.

she said the child would not discuss it with us and would only talk to the mum

All you can do is keep her at arms length. Wee girls can be v manipulative, esp if they have had disruption in their lives, it also doesn't help that her dm operates this way too and that your dp is a less than a competant father.
Sorry op, you gotta step right back

Oh ! misunderstanding from someone else’s post. It wasn’t me who asked how your daughter was dealing with it though.

"finishing her veg or no treats, picking up after herself" - it's not your child so it's not up to you to make her finish veg or not have treats if she doesn't normally do it. You are not there to parent her, she has a mum and a dad. If her parents are lenient and don't have these rules, you do not impose them on the child - you are to follow the rules set by the parents as they decide on how their child is brought up, nobody else. It doesn't matter whether you agree with their rules or not. No wonder she doesn't like going to your house if it seems so harsh compared to how her parents treat her. It's not your job to parent that child, smile and move on. Keep her safe from danger, serve food, have fun together. Leave raising her to the two people in charge. Even if they're raising her badly this is on them not you

I think your partner has a choice. Either you do those things and he supports that you can tell his daughter e.g. to get her school jumper. Or you play no part in childcare and when his daughter is around he has to be around to do all cooking/cleaning up her mess/school runs and so on.

How have you twisted ops words to make that out.? She wanted her to finish dinner before having sweets when she was feeding her because dad was working. There is nothing wrong with telling someone to pick up after themselves, op is not a maid. That's all op has done, not overstepped in any way, if you think that's wrong your parenting must be seriously lax.

This is a lose lose situation for you, you’re expected to share your home, pay for their upkeep, school runs, babysitting, cooking, washing etc but heaven forbid you set boundaries or discipline them. You’re expected to love & treat them as your own but that includes disciplining them like you would as your own. In my experience the mother will always assume what her child says is 100% true without question & the father is useless as you provide free childcare & parenting & so he doesn’t want to rock the boat either side as it’s in his best interest not to. If she doesn’t like being parented by anyone other than her mother or father then she can stay at her mums or suck it up & her Dad needs to sort it out & tell her mother that your house your rules end of.

Then maybe you should say your DH has to be there the whole time? It sounds like you're parenting in a reasonable way with boundaries, but if her parents don't like it, I think you should say you'll stop 'parenting' her completely. If her dad isn't there, neither is she.

Well, that should tell you heaps. That she refuses to see you, your DH and child to talk about it.
Any decent mother would exactly do as suggested and want to get to the root of the issue, and find out why her daughter is so unhappy. As she puts it. And agree to see her all of you together.
But she will not agree to such a discussion. It clearly suits her not to.
I would be asking her just a bit more formally why she is refusing. Just a bit more formally.
Do you think she wants to break you up ? Do you think she wants to get her daughter to move back with her ?
She has a motive. I would be inclined to express my concern that she is refusing to meet up to discuss it. To seek to unravel the problem she has presented. That she has said her daughter is unhappy and you have offered a discussion to find a solution and she has refused. And ask her to explain.

Mum being uncooperative is how it comes across. Unhelpful to her daughter primarily who she is worried is unhappy. I would raise that point with her and explain it concerns you that she is proactively encouraging that situation to continue and not taking an opportunity to resolve. Nor encouraging her daughter to sort things out.

You have,I think to point out the consequences of her behaviour. It makes her look like a negligent parent. She may not have thought of that. But might if you lightly a little bit formally, make some of the points to her.

So he doesn't see her much then.

She obviously sees you as a threat as she spends little time with her Dad and you're always there, but as you mentioned doing her dinner when her Dad was at work, sometimes he's not. It that on the Weds only? He must be there.

Her Mum has made it clear she is her priority, so she feels secure with her, but that's not the case with her Dad. You are with him all the time.

Rather than see her as a problem, perhaps you should see it from her perspective, as a child. She didn't chose for her parents to spilt up or for some random woman she didn't chose to have in her life tell her what to do in her Dad's house.

She probably knows that you were behind ceasing the time she had both her parents together co-parenting amicably - that was lovely, healthy way to raise their shared child in separate homes and gave her a sense of security of having both parents together for that short time.

Your insecurity stopped that because her Dad probably felt stuck between you and her. You are also very negative towards her Mum and the way she's been raised, again because of your own insecurity. You have absolutely no business judging her mum.

The only way forward is for you to stay in the background when she's there on the weekend and make it clear you have no issue with your DH spending time as co parents with her Mum. It's not like you have shared DC who would be affected by that.

Otherwise leave because your insecurity shouldn't have a negative impact on a child.

So to summarise as is always the case on step parent board
two ineffective parents with no rules or boundaries create a child who has no regard for rules or boundaries and is the boss and somehow that’s the step mums fault for having normal boundaries in her own home.

i tell my friends kids no sweets until after dinner, dinners not eaten because they’re “full” no room for sweets then. Does my friends tell me I’m over stepping? No she tells the kids it’s my house my rules. Some of these comments are crazy. I do not miss being a step mum and all the drama it brings!

OP, I think you’re in for a lot of misery. I’ve lived it, if your partner doesn’t support the rules of the house (as seems he doesn’t have any issue with anything you implement just too chicken shit to enforce it) I think there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. If he decides to actually parent effectively and stops dancing to the tune of his ex and 9 year old you have a chance. I think your happiness is on his shoulders. Or you decide to cut and run.

if nothing changes, nothing changes and I’m sorry this is your life.

Stay in the background in her own home, don’t think so. She should absolutely question her mother if she’s wrong, the mother shouldn’t question rules & boundaries in OP’s home. Kid sounds a spoiled brat

I think if I was your DD I would be giving your DP some home truths, his inability to parent has now invaded her mums space and peace. I bet he moved into yours and expected your DD to behave and wouldn't like her calling the shots. Your SD parents are shit so they can be shit on their own. You've stepped back from everything and it's still not enough. Cosy family days that exclude you are not happening. Honestly OP I'd break up....absolute hiding to nothing.

@Sunflower026 You have done brilliantly. You have treated this little girl, as far as you can, as you would your own child. The father cannot ask for anything more from you when it comes to the love and care of his child. You care. So many step parents do not. You are not the wicked stepmother.

It reads like maybe you are suffering the bullets fired, via a child, from the father's ex. The ex will be encouraging and enjoying any criticism of you. She will add fire to even the tiniest of sparks. She will get a kick if she feels it is coming between you and your husband. Children often feel that life is not fair when a parent, especially a step-parent has not-unreasonable guidelines. The little monkey will have picked up on that any mild negative feedback from her, gets her loads of attention. The daughter is getting to the age where hormones will soon be starting and of course she wants her mum's full approval. She will feel 'more loved' by her mother when her mother is being so openly critical of you and goes into battle on her behalf. Maybe part of her still hopes for a reconciliation between her parents.

The fact she bursts out crying when her dad tries to speak with her could possibly be from her confusion about her feelings and the knowledge that she has exaggerated to her mum. Added to that, she may feel protective of her mum.

You are between a rock and hard place. To go 'hands off' risks (bizarrely) the child thinking it proves that you don't care. I would just remain kind and consistent (your house, your rules) and try to not let the daughter see any reaction from you. You could acknowledge, with a hug, that you are sorry she struggles with you or the house rules, and you do have affection for her and have enjoyed watching her grow and that want her to feel comfortable. Are there any issues you feel could perhaps be negotiated rather than a hard and fast rule?

You are getting a really rough time here OP. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong here. She sounds very spoiled and indulged by her parents - which is not her fault - totally on the bad parenting she has had. She sees you as a barrier to her spending time with her mum and dad and lashing out at you

Unfortunately if she doesn't like you (and it does sound like she's possibly influenced by her mother) there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe let your partner take her out at weekends and do your own thing when he's with her. Take a big step back & leave them to it. There's really not much else you can do.

It's a bit rich to implement 'rules' when the Dad only sees his kid 8 days a month.

What's rules are so important that they need laying down for that amount of time - eating vegetables, bringing down a jumper?

If the girl was wrecking the house, spitting food everywhere, swearing at everyone, then that would need attention - otherwise just leave the kid alone.

Jesus!

That may work for your house but clearly doesn’t work for OP’s. That’s the rules of their house and she’s the child not the adult. She abides by the house rules end of. Dads a wet weekend though and seems to have lost his spine

Much better to let her eat crisps and haribo for dinner, that’s what being a proper step parent means….
The mother is clearly trying to alienate her daughter against you, the fact that things are to go back to how they were with the ‘three of them’ is evidence. You can’t win with the DSD so the decision is - do you play the long game and stay and fight for your marriage for the next decade, or bail and leave them to it. FWIW, I’m still married to my DH and I know just what you’re experiencing. A 9 year old/teenager/20+ year old would have to get up a lot earlier in the morning to get the better of me though….

Because thems the rules. Don’t like them don’t come

It's also the Dad's home and the kids home.

Stay in the background + leave them to it. Don't cook, clean, try to discipline etc.

She's not her kid. She has no business judging or 'questioning' her actual mother.