Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

No real advice really, but sympathies, OP. I have always know that if DSC ever had to move in with us full time, I would have to leave. I could not cope with it either.

This is one of the saddest threads I’ve seen on MN.
I have no experience of your situation but can have empathy.
your whole world has been flipped on its head, as it has been for your DSD.
you’re allowed to say it’s hard, you’re allowed to grieve the life you used to have without any guilt attached.
only you know if you can survive in this new family dynamic.
No advise but just wanted to say that your feelings are valid.
I hope you find the best way through for you, DP & DSD

You need to leave. There is no way she isn't picking up on this which is just an awful way to grow up. And she's been through so much already. Just do what's best for both of you and get out of the situation

Her mother has died and she has had to move in with a father she doesn’t have much of a relationship with and his wife who resents her presence. I’m really not surprised she isn’t happy. He is a parent who now needs to actually needs to be one.

I think you need to suck it up for the sake of 2yrs. If you leave your relationship is effectively over.

Great advice for the OP. Really fucking awful advice for the stepdaughter

Your current situation is not good for any of you. If she is 16 and grieving, she needs her dad’s love and that must come first. His duty to his child is paramount. I suggest you move out for two years and let your dh get on with it. You can still see each other, in your flat.
She may or may not go to uni, but she would still come home for Xmas, Easter and Summer. She may also return after she graduates, so no guarantee this will only last two years or five years. Some children stay home into their 30s.
You and your dh need to have a very serious conversation.
Whatever you do, please don’t blame her. It really is not her fault.

My husband is amazing and has always done so much for his daughter. But I was just her dad's wife with minimal involvement and to now be thrust into being a full-time step-parent to a teenager is so hard. I absolutely think my husband needs to look after his daughter and prioritise her, which is why the post is about whether I need to leave.

Genuinely though, why marry a father if you know you would leave him if he had to actually be a father?

Because most of us don't expect the mother to die and end up with a child full-time forever. We understand that dads have to be dads but I had no idea how I would feel when having a teenager move in full-time until it happened.

People who adopt sometimes get post-adoption depression. Or even if people get a puppy. It’s a massive, sudden change and curtailment of freedom

if you can find a way to come out of this with a strong relationship with your step daughter, your life will be enriched and you won’t lose your husband, your home and your life together

I’d recommend counselling. Is there something you like to do that you and your stepdaughter could do together? It could help turn her into a little buddy instead of a burden. Tennis, yoga, painting, mountain climbing, even shopping lol

Do you have good friends you could go away with? A few grown up weekends away/to look forward to and you might feel a lot more able to cope - it's only a couple of years to go before uni, when you will have your own space again for half the time. Or just go by yourself - my aunty has a house of boys and takes herself off for a lovely spa weekend every 6 months or so to restore the chakras!

You don’t think there could be any number of things that would mean a father might have his child with him other than in the case of the mother dying?

I have tried but there's just no bond or love between us. She's made a joke that we're like chalk and cheese. I was always ok with just being her dad's wife before her mum died - happy on the sidelines or out of view - and neither of us wanted this situation.

Would it be better for the child to think she is responsible for the breakdown of her father’s marriage?!

She will mature and it will get easier. Eventually you may even enjoy having an adult to adult relationship with her.

I would be practical, agree some house rules around tidying up after yourselves and can you afford a cleaner?

Your DH needs to be proactive around having things in the home as smooth as possible. Your DH needs need to invest in your friendships, have breaks away with your friends and family.

I just want to sympathise. I’m sure you’re well aware of the impact of bereavement on this girl and don’t need it pointed out to you. Doesn’t make it any easier for you with the shock of suddenly living with a teenager. As for those posts saying you knew he had a dd.. ridiculous as she lived with her mum and th unexpected happened, just like the unexpected can happen in any situation.

As others have said, if you can form any shared interests with her that will help a lot. If that doesn’t work then I think you do need to think of living somewhere else till she moves out, which will alleviate the stress on all of you. If you stay, both yours and her mental health will suffer.

Yeah, I do. Which is why I've worked really hard to settle her and find her friendship groups, social activities and get her little gifts. It's why I put in my post I feel like I am a horrible person. But no matter how much compassion I have for her, I sob every time I'm in the shower because I am so unhappy. I wake up and start crying because I hate my life now. I struggle not having the life my husband and I had because I really liked it and now it's gone. It's perfectly possible to be compassionate but also unhappy with a situation.

Which is why I'm asking for advice. But that "poor poor child" has also been bullying other children, getting into trouble at school, and upsetting her family members with her attitude and comments. All of which were also issues before her mother died too just before you blame me for that.

I think YABU but you know that. You know you aren’t being kind. So there’s no point is telling you something you already know.

i think you need to have tactical breaks. Eg rent an air BnB for a week or two here and there when you can’t cope and you need some peace

I am a step-mother to three children whose mother has died. Their mum died long before I met my partner. My question is. Do you need to be a step-mother? Is she looking for a mother figure? Is your husband expecting/pressuring you into being a substitute mother?
I am also childless, so I don’t know what it is to be a mother. I have now been in their lives about 15 years and my advice to you is to stop trying to be Mary Poppins you are setting yourself up for failure. You’re trying to be something she hasn’t even asked for, so just don’t.
She sounds old enough, so ask her what she needs? An ally as moving in with her Dad is new? Great, you can do that. A sounding board for growing up as a young woman? Great, you’ve been there you can do that.
do not presume she’s looking for a mum.
My three certainly weren’t and I’ve been different things to each one over the years.
it’s new for her and new for you. To be fair she probably hates it as much as you so that’s something you can bond over 😄. Have an open conversation with her, try not sharing your frustration with your husband as he will never side with you, and you will get resentful and frustrated and see them as a tag team against you and you will blame her for changing the dynamic. Just stop, breathe, remember you’re not their mum and don’t need to be.
it’s also fine to admit it’s not for you. I had many a moment over the years.

I really feel for you. And some of the bitchy comments on this thread won't help. I swear there's a category of women here on Mumsnet who regularly trawl the Step-parents threads to troll and bitch and upset people and it's so out of order.

Read @Jellycatspyjamas first post - that has lots of good advice.

'Picking up on' what, exactly? That OP isn't fawning and worshipping at her feet and actually daring to mind some of her unreasonable behaviours?

Thank you. I've tried so hard but I'm at breaking point. I've even discussed with my husband whether I should see if I can take antidepressants for two years to try to cope. We have spoken about whether we could afford for me to rent somewhere but when we talk about it, it seems really extreme. But then so is divorce. It's just so hard because I really love him and I always thought that would be enough no matter what life threw at us.

Hi OP - it’s a difficult situation and it sounds like you do have compassion for this child and the very difficult circumstances

I would say it’s hard to adjust and I bet the focus has not been on your adjustment & needs- obviously your stepdaughters circumstances have taken priority

That said, I would not be moving out or losing my marriage etc

is it possible for you to address some of your own needs - a few counselling appointments so you have a safe space to talk, some date nights with your husband, & some activities that take you out of the house to develop new friendships…all of this may both make adjusting better for you, & the next couple of years easier

Childrwb grow up fast - my DP has a university aged son, & at first I found it strange when he visited my home (at the start of the relationship) and I felt like the outsider… that has faded with time

obviously full time with a younger teen is much more intense, but as I dont think there is any ill feeling on any side I think you can work through this & get the support that would help you support your young SD

It’s a big and sad change for her, but also a change for you. Sending you good wishes for coming out the other side