Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

I feel for you... My 7 year old stepson moved in with us, all of a, sudden when I had been with my husband a year and a half (I was only 19) and it was hell. It never got better. It's by the by now 25 years later but I wish I'd left back then. Your situation sounds really hard, especially with a grieving teenager.

I think you are suffering delayed shock. I think therapy would help - somewhere to talk honestly without having to qualify everything with the caveat that this is much harder for your stepdaughter. It goes without saying that this is devastating for her. It may be also that she is quite a challenging personality, both can be true.

I think you need to stop trying to be any kind of quasi parent to her and let her Dad do that. Painful as it is, she now has only one parent.

I would say, as others have, look after you. Try to build a life for yourself that is sustainable in your changed circumstances. Give yourself space. There is a danger of getting swallowed up but you matter too. If you are happier and stronger you will be more able to support your husband to be a good Dad. I personally don't think you should put yourself under pressure to spend time with your stepdaughter at the moment. Maybe in time, maybe not.

Don't feel guilty and ignore the totally unhelpful comments berating you. It is obvious that you have compassion for your stepdaughter and also that you are struggling and trying to work out how to manage a very difficult situation.

I think you’ve had some harsh replies OP from people who have never been in your situation and find it easy to give an opinion when their whole life hasn’t been turned upside down.

I am childfree and value my freedom and the lack of responsibilities and the way I can be selfish and do what I want when I want.
I appreciate not only being able to put myself first but my DP also putting me first and after 12 years I’d struggle to have it any other way.

I’m used to a calm tidy house I can relax in and walk into after work and it still be in the same state I left it in before I went out.
I couldn’t deal with mess and clutter now and I’d hate having to listen to a loud tv, videos played on phones, loud phone calls and constant chatter when I want to just unwind after a long day and have my DP’s full attention.

It’s easy for other posters to make comments focusing on your step daughter but I bet you are feeling like no one is thinking about you and that your feelings no longer matter and you have to grit your teeth and act like you don’t have a problem to keep the peace because of your step daughters trauma.

I feel sorry for her, I really do but the focus of my post is on you and how you must be feeling.
I think your disappointment, sadness and anger are valid and you are grieving for a life where you felt you were in a partnership and now everything revolves around someone else who isn’t even treating you with respect.
You must feel like a visitor in your own home, unable to show how you really feel and having to keep the peace because “kids always come first”.

I’m not saying kids shouldn’t come first but it’s a lot easier to do that when they are your own and you love them or have a bond with them. You are basically being asked to put a stranger first and made to feel incredibly unreasonable when you find it hard.
It would have been impossible to predict you would end up in the situation you are in and even if you did then you would have had no idea how you would actually feel about it. It’s easy for people to say you knew your DH had a DD but I’m guessing most people who marry a man with children when he isn’t the resident parent rarely really weigh up the full potential of what it would be like having the kid/kids come to live with you full time. When you are happy in the moment it’s not always easy to anticipate any big changes or think about it not lasting, you think you have built your life and go on and live it.

Having someone come to live with you that you have no relationship or bond with would be hell for most people.
Anyone who has lived in a house share or had a guest staying long term knows how hard it can be and there is usually an end date or you don’t have to interact with them and certainly not run round after them and share your whole lives with them.
It’s obviously not the best comparison but some people just don’t know how to put themselves in other peoples shoes without some frame of reference to compare to.

If I was in your position now then I’d be seriously thinking about walking away.
I know I’d end up feeling so resentful and it’s completely unfair (I’m trying to be as honest as possible) but I would feel angry and frustrated with the noise and mess, lack of freedom and privacy and constant compromising and then I’d feel shame at myself for feeling that way.
Every compromise I’d have to make and every boundary trampled would make me feel like my life is crumbling away bit by bit.

You could try to wait it out on the basis that your Dsd will be growing up and possibly going to uni or spending more time out of the house or even moving out.
You will still always come second though and she will still need huge amounts of support and time. You might get a few nights out and maybe a chance to go on holiday as a couple but your relationship has changed forever - just read through some of the posts on this board from people with adult step children (especially ones in a similar situation to you) the kids still dominate their parents lives and kids who have lost a parent have attachment issues and need more attention and reassurance and of course a lot of your money spent on them!

I feel so much sympathy for you, I know what it’s like to have my life shattered in an instant and to have a relationship end when we still loved each other but circumstances meant we could no longer be together.
It’s so much harder than a relationship ending because it’s broken down because it feels like such a waste and it’s hard not to give into the desperate urge to try to fix it.
I found it so hard to have to rebuild my life and make new friends and start new hobbies.
It’s also a lot harder when you are childfree to find a man who doesn’t have or want children because there is the risk you find yourself facing the same scenario again or similar.

Have you told your DH exactly how you feel? My decision to stay would also be based on his reaction after that conversation.
I hope you either find a way to make it work or leave him and put yourself first and find a way to build a new life ❤️❤️.

But this isn’t the child who is asking for help and if she was then every ounce of compassion and sympathy would be welcome.

This is an adult who is acknowledging how hard a situation is that she has found herself in so it would be nice if posters could try and help the OP deal with the problem from her perspective. Nobody is denying a horrible thing has happened to a child. There is space for both things to be true… a child has lost her mother and a woman has found herself unprepared for the role she now plays.

I too am a step mother from a distance and I don’t think I would have married my husband if he was a full time parent. Nobody however plans on dying and things obviously can change as they have for the OP. She couldn’t have known this when she got married.

my husband and I also tried for children and it didn’t happen. As a way to cope with a child free life we also focused on the freedom it gave us. It’s not like we pushed children aside in order to live the life we do. My husband’s kids live a fair way away and their bio mom has not exactly encouraged a relationship with my husband so he does what he can when he can and we have taken the view to maximize whatever benefits there are for the majority of the time we are effectively child free. It would be a major life change for all parties to become a full time parent to a teenager you have not been able to raise and have had sporadic involvement with.

Obviously being the adult here the OP should be better equipped to handle the situation and kudos to her for asking for your advice on how to do this better. So why don’t you all do what she has asked and give her some advice instead of just criticizing and piling on unhelpful things like ‘just leave’…

OP, I really really feel for you.
I can well imagine that you are going through full on grieving for your former life and for what must feel like a complete loss of control of your formerly happy life.

I definitely think that you need to find support in the form of counselling.
Your feelings are 100% valid and it is perfectly understandable that you are feeling them.

I have had 4 teens and had only a small bit of the behaviour you describe and I needed every bit of my enormous love for them to get me through.

This would also be the same for my many friends.
It is our deep love that carries us.

I certainly cannot imagine being happy with your change of circumstances.

Start by finding a therapist to talk to honestly.

Your grief, may turn to anger, and slip into depression.

You need to stop beating yourself up and being so hard on yourself and start actually minding yourself.

I think it reads as despite how you feel you have been very kind and supportive.

I understand this has been an unexpected huge change for you all. On top of that she’s experienced a traumatic loss. I have a teen that age and we’re extremely close and she would be bereft of anything happened to me, and she would still have her dad that she’s lived with her whole life. Your step has relocated and moved into a house with her father and his wife. It doesn’t sound like she had ever spent any significant periods with her dad or that he was part of her daily routine.

your dh needs to step up and parent her in a developmentally and psychologically appropriate way.

for your role I’d not try to mother her but just be a friend or at the least a house mate. Leave the parenting to him.

I get it’s hard if you’ve never lived with a child/ teen so perhaps you and your dh can do some reading on typical teen behaviour and also the impact that parental death can have. I’d recommend counselling/ therapeutic support for you all.

im confused why you can’t do stuff though. My teen can stay home alone for the evening, or she’s out at hobbies or with friends. Dh and I get lots of free time.

Sounds a difficult situation all round, the three of you have been thrown together suddenly and for a dreadful reason. You have lost the life you were enjoying and that is hard to get used to, it is nobody’s fault but that doesn’t make it more bearable. Two years till she goes to uni isn’t really long. Only you can decide if the prospect of getting that life back for the bulk of the years after that is worth the stress now.
You and DH need to be on the same page about the rudeness, not acceptable.
Mess, it is fair to ask that this is contained to her room.
Food, teenagers have hollow legs, ask that as a minimum she doesn’t eat things planned for meals.
Find a focus for these two years, whether that is learning a new craft, language, sport, subject or volunteering. Adopt a policy of you going away at least one weekend a month.
Make the chalk or cheese a challenge, almost an in joke. See which one of you can find something you agree on.
Create a space for yourself.
Think about the antidepressants, for me they took the edge off the negative thoughts and gave me the ability to view things a bit more logically.

@castolaya Whereas I think the opposite! The OP has a happy marriage and longterm, does she want to throw that away? Her DSD is a grieving teenager so she's not at her best atm, but things are likely to improve as she settles into the new area and makes friends, Plus, it takes time to recover from a parent's death. I lost my Mum in my 20's and it took me a while to recover.

Perhaps @FloralGreen hasn't lost a parent yet and doesn't realize what an impact it has, especially at 16.

Also, all relationships go through tough times. At some point, the OP and her DH may have to deal with aging parents, illness (parents or themselves), etc., and support each other through it. Perhaps this is the first tough time that they've had to navigate, but it won't be the last. If the OP walks away, she may bitterly regret it.

I'm confused why you can’t do stuff though. My teen can stay home alone for the evening, or she’s out at hobbies or with friends. Dh and I get lots of free time.

@Savvysix1984 Yes, we're out alot and so is DS (17), they don't need babysitting at 16.

I’m sorry that you will get slammed here by people who have no idea how hard step parenting can be. This is a really difficult situation and I send you strength to determine what is best for you going forwards

Practically could you buy a small flat for you to live in for the next couple of years, you can still have your relationship just at more distance for a couple of years and in the meantime could you find a good couples therapist to see maybe once per month and use that as a tool to get through the next 24 months together?

You cant change how you feel, and its probably not good to be so close in this girls life if you dislike her presence so much it makes you sob in the shower daily.

I think temporary distance may be the only way you all survive. But thats just my opinion.

If it works that means in 2 years you could let out the small flat for an extra stream of income just as SD enters uni...just an idea.

I do agree with your post but I was not saying to leave as a bad thing for the OP but because she has had these negative feelings for as long as she has known her step daughter, they are unlikely to change now. Also I have a DD the same age and another one 4 years older sitting in my kitchen still drinking my tea and eating my food, this talk of them going to Uni and it being all over is probably far from the reality of a 20 something these days, especially one who is likely to be massively impacted by grief.

This is not the life the OP would have chosen and she is allowed to feel how she feels and this situation will impact the family maybe for ever more so it won’t just go back to being the way it was.

One of my kids is going through the terrible teenage years and I can’t imagine adding the death of a parent and living with a step parent- life must be so difficult for her and so difficult for you all. I agree with trying to find common ground- I sometimes just hang around when my kids are watching stuff and ask questions/ chat about it, I can also advise trying board games with bribes of food … see how you get on before you do anything drastic. Also talk to your husband

Drugs are not the answer to an intolerable situation.
As you say, DH has to prioritise his daughter. I would look for a way to afford moving out and renting your own space, maybe a studio flat, for a few years. It will mean sacrifices and less money for fun things, but you've had a lot of fun and leisure time with DH over the years so perhaps you could live frugally for a while? A sixteen year old needs care and attention but not in the way a small child does, so there will still be time for you and DH to spend good amounts of time together.

The suggestion of a studio bolthole is not a bad one at all.
Something worth considering.
It would be a great opportunity for your husband to spen one on one with his daughter.
Knowing you have a safe space too, could be enough to get you through the next few years.

What age are you OP?

It is incredibly hard to be presented with a situation like this during the most difficult years, especially as you could not have children yourself op.

You definitely need a therapist, and some very good friends if you are going to stay in this relationship.

Can you go away twice a month for the weekend, and start following a bucket list, do you have the funds to do that? I think it would help to have ample time away from the family home for the next year or two.

When you are there, maybe start to find ways you can befriend your SD. If you love your dh you are going to need to find a path through this, as she is his child and he has to take care of her. That doesn't mean you are tethered to the situation though. Choose adventure holidays so you are not spending too much time cooped up together.

It is two years, it will fly by if you can put in support for everyone concerned.

Have you had any kind of counselling for yourself? This is a massive life change for you, from your posts it sounds like you do have compassion and you do want the best for her.

As a parent of my own teens and as a step parent I sympathise. Remember parenting isn’t all or nothing- you are allowed to have time for yourself, to see your friends, to have weekends away. You can step aside and let DH do the main parenting. I’ve been a stepmother for 10 years and kind of see my role as another loving adult in their lives, not a parent.

@Castolaya Yes, life will be different going forward, but if the OP leaves, she'll lose her DH with whom she has a great relationship. I think she's better off getting some counselling so she can safely express her feelings and making sure that she has plenty of time to do her own thing, because she really doesn't need to babysit her DSD. She mentioned holidays - personally, I only feel comfortable having a weekend away while DS is under 18, but we'll be holidaying when and where we want next year. I think the OP is bogged down in the here and now, I don't think she's seeing how different everything will be in less than two years IYSWIM.

Before you know it she will be a university or something else so think of this as a temporary situation.

I'd get some sole counselling because this is a very hard adjustment to make.

@Lemondressese and PP's suggesting a tiny bolthole...if your budget could be made to run to this @FloralGreen that might be an excellent idea...even just a studio room that you could either have as your main base or as a regular space to escape to.

Whatever you need to allow you to stick with this awful situation (for all of you) whilst the dust settles is worth considering...and having a calm, welcoming room of your own might be just the thing.

Even if your budget won't run to buying or renting somewhere full-time, could you find a lovely airbnb for a "just you" week once a month?

I came on to say , would you be happier without your husband? In a flat by your self resenting SD more?

If you were my friend I'd say sit down with the DH say your struggling with the change in the dynamic. The rudeness needs a plan to be tackled
The bullying needs a plan to be immediately tackled.
You don't have to have a relationship you sound like you were happy not, but your life may be easier long term If you do.

The SD needs therapy because it's a trauma she has experienced.

It seems that your life has changed in the sense you cant have holidays and weekends away at a drop of the hat, your focussing on this, rather than really life has ups and downs and actually this is a downside that you will get eventually through.

Obviously you are in this reality and I feel for you. But if you leave will you ever be able to regain the life you had before ?

Best of luck to you.

I think I'd be looking for a 'living apart together' set up if I was in your shoes OP.

You are not a horrible person. Unfortunately 'going to university ' is simply not the same as moving out, they often come back between April and late September, and a month at Christmas and Easter. Your solution needs to accommodate this situation for more than 2 years I think. But divorce is the nuclear option. Plenty of divorced people find new relationships but decide not to live together. If you can afford to move out but continue in your marriage I would absolutely try this.

Oh OP, how horrible. Your poor step daughter is in an awful position having lost her mum and move in with her dad and you which was a complete shift for her and is having to deal with her own grief, etc.

You have your own grief for a life you once loved and no longer have and, understandably, no relationship with her as there was never chance to build one and it's difficult now she is a teen.

Your DH is stuck firmly in the middle trying to do the best by both of you.

Have you tried to build a relationship with her (it doesn't have to be a parental one, but working on finding basic common ground can sometimes lead to more and surprise you), does she have anything that could support her with like a club or interest?

If the above is not something you can pursue I think the only advice I can give is to think that she is already a teen and that, in time, you will be able to go back to living your old life (which you have been lucky to have to this point), but right now there is a teen who needs, if not love, at least care and understanding.

As for your independence, carry that on, find hobbies outside the house that you will enjoy and meet new people at. See your friends for spa weekends/days/evenings, etc. you are not required to sit at home just because there is a teen in the house! Make your bedroom a sanctuary so that you have some escape when necessary for relaxing time on your own.

Rudeness you have a right to nip in the bud, no way do you have to accept rudeness. If my teen SS was rude to me I would simply look at him and say 'please do not speak to me like that, I would be grateful if you would take some time to go and calm down and try again when you are ready to be more polite'. You don't need to rant and rave, just draw a line. As for the 'your not my mum'. if that ever gets uttered the answer is 'no, I am not, but we all are all living in the same house that I contribute to and, as such, should all be able to show basic respect to one another'.

Laziness and untidiness, if its her bedroom, thats her problem, shut the door and walk away. Maybe she needs chores to understand the contribution everyone has to make to a household and she could do them to earn pocket money (one for your DH to roll out). Teens are inherently selfish, it's not that they mean to be, its brain development I am afraid and part of them detaching to find their own independence, but it is a frustrating part of development, praise the good when she does it and try to find the good when it's testing!

I also think a bit of counselling for you, you and your partner and maybe even as a family may be worthwhile, because you are, whether you feel it or not, now family.

Remember, this too shall pass.

You resent your stepdaughter for the big change in your lifestyle since she moved in. Your husband suddeny has a new priority and he's also now got the huge responsibility of being a lone parent.

You can try counseling but do you really think you can accept the change in your lifestyle as a near permanent thing? Your stepdaughter is now in your husband's life for good and he's possibly going to make even more life changes you don't like. He'll be funding university and making other financial choices.

If you don't think counseling can change your feelings, separate from your husband, see how it goes living apart and get a divorce if that doesn't work.

I have to say you were shortsighted not thinking that his child moving in permanently could become a reality.

Why can’t you still have a fun full life? I have a teenager who lives full time with me. It doesn’t stop me doing things on the weekends and having fun and having hobbies I enjoy and going on term time holidays. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Frankly, I barely see my teen. She’s at school or sleeping or with friends or at her job or at sports practice. She’s 13 though I would assume your dd is likely older. The challenging bit is dealing with homework, that’s stressful, but if she wasn’t my kid, I’d be leaving that to her dad. Dh and I still get time alone together (we have no family support at all, never have). We both have hobbies and we see friends. We don’t get away overnight alone, but I do lots of solo travel and always have. You can still have a fun, carefree life with a child. But you have to have a bit of independence.

While I get you can’t fly to Madrid for a spontaneous weekend (you could only do that before because her mum carried all the burden of parenting), you are so lucky to have grown into adulthood without the trauma of losing a parent young. I lost my dad as a teen. I’d have traded all the spa weekends to not have to carry that weight around on my young shoulders. You should be grateful for what an easy life you’ve had that this really ordinary life that most people live feels so tough. What would you have done if you’d actually gotten pregnant? You can’t put them back. It’s not like the rudeness and messiness is more tolerable when you birthed them yourself.