Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

Whilst It would be quick relief of the situation if you leave him, whoever you meet will generally have children at this stage in their life with ex's to deal with as well. So you will be swapping a loving dh for another set of problems. You are grieving for your old life and maybe need to speak to someone to help you negotiate and manage the next couple of years. Your feelings are justified but it won't be forever.

You need to get therapy for yourself to help you come to terms with this change.

Whilst It would be quick relief of the situation if you leave him, whoever you meet will generally have children at this stage in their life with ex's to deal with as well. So you will be swapping a loving dh for another set of problems. You are grieving for your old life and maybe need to speak to someone to help you negotiate and manage the next couple of years. Your feelings are justified but it won't be forever.

I’m sorry but If you marry someone with a kid you have to understand that and love them as if they’re yours, otherwise marry someone without kids, simple. Kids must be loved and looked after and if you’re not willing to do that then find someone who doesn’t have them, sorry if it sounds harsh but I think that’s how it has to be when children are in the middle.

OP, you have my sympathy; this disruption to your previously lovely life has come as a terrible shock. It's no surprise that you are mourning what you had. A teenager in the house can be extremely challenging to her own parents never mind a step mother. And for this poor bereaved teen girl, everything is also new and challenging; she's going to test you and her father in every way.

Bear in mind this is not forever - the teen will be off and out at uni within the next couple of years. You have what sounds like a great relationship with your husband so it's a question of whether you feel you can hang in there. But you will have to be prepared to make changes and concessions. (So too will your husband and stepdaughter)

Maybe start by breaking down into chunks what currently feels like one insuperable mountain.

If you have funds, please seek help from a therapist as soon as possible to deal with your emotional state. You may need anti-depressants, somatic treatments or meditative practice. Also, ask your GP for referral to a counsellor - a course of CBT could be helpful in terms of restructuring your life to better cope with the new circumstances. Do you think your husband would be up for couples' therapy?

On a practical level... you are not this girl's replacement mother. And no doubt she wouldn't want you to be one. It's really up to your husband to do the leg work, the disciplining, the arranging, the comforting for HIS daughter. So, remove that burden from your heart.

Meanwhile you can be kind and understanding to your SD without blaming yourself for not feeling a maternal bond because there's no reason to feel one. You decide on the role you assume with your stepdaughter, one with which you are both comfortable. Your husband may wish you felt more warmly and maternal -but you don't.

Food - teens are ravenous and need plenty for their growth. It's your husband's job to buy in extra food. If the teen is devouring food intended for dinner that night, then it's your husband's role to talk to her about it.

Again, with the mess problem - your DH's call. It's his dad duty to insist she cleans up after herself and helps around the house. Otherwise, he could clean up after her himself or pay for a cleaner if funds are available. It should not fall on your shoulders.

Try to do as others have suggested - carve out spaces for yourself both physical and timewise. This could be as simple as getting a TV for your bedroom where you can have a glass of wine in peace. Or renting a room for the next two years where you can retreat when overwhelmed. Maybe you have family with some space? Perhaps enrol in a part-time degree course / an evening class which entails being out of the house a couple of nights per week.

A regular night out, dinner or a movie, with just your husband - a 16-year old is quite capable of managing alone for an evening.

Tackle each 'problem' individually. Keep talking to your husband. Try to find a common interest with your stepdaughter such as a soap or a murder mystery. But above all, please take care of your mental health.

If the situation is still insupportable after you've made all the adjustments you can, then maybe separation is a last option.

Well I suppose you have to ask yourself what’s more important to you - your marriage or your free time/holidays/tidy house/days out. Because this child isn’t going to magically disappear so you either need to make a choice to leave or accept it. If I truly loved someone I may mourn for the life we used to have, but I wouldn’t want to leave them over it. Maybe if he’d been more of a present dad in the early years you’d both have more of an idea of what parenting actually entails. I don’t know many parents who live the lifestyle you previously lived to be honest.

Nobody can predict the future but if you marry someone with a child you have to understand that there’s a reasonable chance some parenting will be involved somewhere down the line.

Why don’t you try not being a parent, because you aren’t, but being a supportive adult in her life. She’s just lost her mother, which is pretty traumatic, so she’s going to be difficult. You can’t replace her mother but you can try to have a bit of compassion and help her. You knew your partner was a parent when you married him, surely you can sacrifice a bit of your freedom to help his child.

Read the OP again. There is a lot of whinging about lifestyle losses and begrudging having to pay extra for (multiple) non-term-time holidays. With a bereaved teenager, that wouldn't even be a consideration for a person who isn't extremely materialistic.

I reaaaaaally feel for you this must be so hard!! My partner has a child with his ex and I also have no real bond with him. He was 4 when we met and he had him 2 nights a week which I was fine with, as he got older he wanted to stay with us more and at 14 decided he wanted to live with us, I was never prepared for it and me and partner ended up breaking up for a while over it, because I couldn't bare the thought of never having any time for us again. Does your partner disapline her when shes rude? Are there rules and boundaries in place? When me and my partner got back together I was in a bad place mentally and ended up on anti depressants and I do think it helped, it kind of numbed me to the situation. As others have said, at 16 she can be on her own for a bit now, can you have weekly nights where just the two of you go out together? It would be awful if you and your partner have a great relationship together to let this ruin you. 2 years will go quickly 🥺

As a stepmother I really feel for you and recognise your situation. My little steps barrelled into my perfect, neat life, aged under five, and turned it upside down. No longer was I the centre of their father’s life and I felt like a guest in my own house. And they lived with their mother most of the time, with us only for odd nights and every 2nd weekend. It was still hard.

But now they are grownups with their own children, and I am a grateful part of their the their babies’ lives.

As so many other commenters have said, all you can do is find your compassion for this bereaved child. With my steps, I felt strongly that they should never feel second best to my own children in my house and so, if anything, favoured them in any dispute or choice.

Their growing maturity was also really interesting, their views of the world, their struggles and achievements. I wasn’t at the centre of their emotional lives, I was an interested and supportive bystander. Precisely because I wasn’t a parent and didn’t have skin in the game, I could be a dependable, supportive adult, not necessarily much more.

They didn’t live with us so we didn’t have a house full of mess, we didn’t experience the slammed doors or the anxious waiting for them to return from a night out. They were never rude. But when they were small, it was as though my life had been taken over by a whirlwind and that there was no more room for me, as though I was a bystander.

One of the pressures of step-parenthood is that women are expected to love and nurture children, but that’s not necessarily how you feel. So you feel angry, displaced and guilty at the same time.

All I can say, as others have, is try to find your compassion and kindness for this little girl. If she’s not very nice, is probably not her fault. She might need and benefit from having an adult guide and friend. You might find that in time you are rewarded ten-fold for your kindness. I know I have been. You just have to move on; your old beautiful life is over. A different beautiful life beckons.

One of the joys of parenthood is self-sacrifice in the face of adversity, finding your best, most compassionate self. You are not a parent but this is your moment.

Fantastic advice.

My only concern with much of the commentary here is that people seem to assume that when they go off to uni that’s it, they are largely out of your hair. But uni terms are short, and for her well-being that young person needs to know that she always has a home, a welcoming base to go back to. And that will probably continue well beyond uni.

It’s hard, but the OP needs to try to get her head around the idea that this is the new reality, and that it’s not all bad.

I don’t think you can necessarily extrapolate that from the info OP has provided.

she is your kid. look at it like that. your husband was a package deal for you. its only for a few years and she'll be gone at uni or living with some one. then you'll get your life back. right now you need some ground rules about tidiness and helping. her mom may have done everything for her and spoiled her now remind her that she's growing up. you can still take breaks. they will cost 1 extra child. tell yourself a few years and you can have your life back. right now you sound really selfish.

so true. the young lady deserves respect. care. she's human.

Mum alive or not, fathers need to be active parents.

I can well imagine this. I found my own teenagers extremely annoying. And then, as they moved out of their teens, they lost interest in me. I’m still supportive and there for them, and they’re nice kids and we have good relationships, but it’s a bit lonely.

However, this could be the moment you look forward to. If you can survive the next two years, you could be friendly but disengaged from then on. Alternatively, you might find you start liking her and you could be actual friends. They do get nicer.

If I were in your position, the way I would survive the next two years would be by making more time for myself. Do stuff with friends. Get hobbies. Go out with my husband as well, but accept it wouldn’t be every night.

I would be friendly to my stepdaughter. I would remain calm when she was rude and mention that she was being rude, but not try to parent or change her.

Be a slightly distant friend to her. Be in her corner, no matter how revolting she is (this is hard for real parents too). Accept that you will have less of your husband for the next couple of years. He’ll come back to you though.

This is really tough I feel for you OP. I inherited a daughter when I married my husband who was a widower, she was a lot younger at the time. I struggled for many years to bond with her, I didn't really like her plus I had children of my own so the comparison between the 2 relationships was vast. I was quite resentful for a long time at the role I had to play as the only mother figure the child had, as it took my focus away from my own children. Even if you prepare yourself for it, having a presence in your home that you don't particularly like is hard work. Particularly when they are teens and at a difficult age - and goodness OP, a 15/16 year old daughter is a bit of a baptism of fire as they are peak-selfishness and irrational then. So if they are not yours and you can't love them unconditionally, there is very little to love about them, frankly.

HOWEVER! Have faith that it will improve. By then end of year 12 she'll still be annoying but will very rarely venture out of her room or will be rarely in the house at all. Apart from the mess she leaves behind you'll not even know she's there 90% of the time. I also found over time that the maternal roles I inevitably ended up playing on things like prom dress shopping or going to get our nails done together did bring us closer - my rule as with all my kids was always if she wanted me to pay for stuff she had to spend time with me rather than me just giving her money. That normally worked. Eventually we built a relationship which was slightly different still than the relationship I have with my own children, however, pretty good and I actually enjoy her company now, we have our own bond which is pretty special.

It sounds like you have a lovely husband and a lovely life and that will return way quicker than you even realise. As you have no children of your own but wanted them, see this as a sacrifice for the long term to gain a daughter for life (and maybe grand kids if that excites you). Your children are much nicer and more fun when they are mature adults so that's something to look forward to. Just don't expect it to happen overnight and don't beat yourself up about it not happening overnight because it won't. Give everyone some grace, take yourself off independently in the short term on trips or nights out with friends and 2 years will fly by.

Oh dear - leave for Uni? average age for children to leave home is now 28yr.