Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

What does your DH say about it all? Obviously his DD is his priority but he must understand what a huge upheaval this was for you too and how it affects the marriage. Does she have other relatives to go and stay with sometimes? Does your DH ever do things just the two of them to give you free time?
Even if you're 'chalk and cheese' you need to think hard about finding things to do together as a family and/or just the two of you now and then or the resentment will build. Have you been on holiday together?

I sob every time I'm in the shower because I am so unhappy. I wake up and start crying because I hate my life now.

Living separately doesn't seem at all extreme compared to this. Hating your life is not sustainable.
Divorce and/or live separately, life is for enjoying. There's no prize at the end for choosing to continue suffering.

It’s for two years, as it’s time limited you need to build your resilience. So you have to put holidays on hold for a while, it’ll soon pass. I feel sorry for your husband, he must feel absolutely dreadful in all this. You’re an adult, the girl is still a child. Yes it’s hard, but life is only easy if you’ve never had to put anyone else first.

First stop is getting you stable. That might involve a course of medication to get you feeling a bit better but it absolutely should also involve some form of talking therapy, which you should be able to self refer for if you search talking therapies and the name of your county. In the mean time keep speaking to your husband and reach out to any friends you think will be kind and supportive. Can you also plan a weekend or week away with friends or a visit to family to reset your nervous system from the impact of living with someone new.

I am struggling to understand the dichotomy and the binary nature of your life pre and post teenager .
How can they be so dramatically different ?? Surely you had the girl half the time up to now anyway ( apologies if I missed this info ).
You had the perfect life and now it's so bad you are contemplating leaving ?? Can much of what you enjoyed not still be enjoyed now?? Nights out, holidays etc . A 16 year old is not the same as a newborn and surely requires minimal looking after .

She'll be out of your house in 2 years. She's old enough to be left away for a weekend. You really need to find a way to sort this. If she's not behaved great then he needs to pull her up on that.

@hourspassed I agree. This is a huge life change @FloralGreen and you're struggling, that's totally understandable. But you'll adapt and when your DSD goes to uni, things will change again.

I agree with others that talking to a counselor or therapist about your feelings might help. I don't think that throwing away a happy marriage is the right answer, what you need to do is learn to cope with this new reality and look to the future, because it won't be like this forever.

Edit to add that as she's 16, you and your DH can certainly go out in the evenings/days out without her now and work up to weekends away if you want. Has she made friends in your area yet? Once she's settled, she'll have her own social life.

Hi OP,

It sounds like it’s more about grieving your old life than just about the misery of your current situation? It does sound that your response (the crying in the shower every day, waking up and crying) is more than just about having to live with a teenager that you’re not so keen on for a couple of years. Are there other things that might be painful? Memories of trying for a biological child? Maybe reflections on the life you ended up not having?feelings about seeing your husband with his child, or his time being taken away from you? The guilt of how you feel you should be doing and taking on the responsibilities? I’m not saying any of those things are true but this is so multifaceted and it doesn’t really sound to me like this is simply about your step daughter.

teenagers are hard work, but they also change so much so quickly, and your step daughter really does need a lot of care right now. Things that you don’t like about her right now will change as she grows up. I don’t know how long you’ve been living together for but it will take a long time.

i don’t think antidepressants is the answer here but it sounds as though you definitely need some support therapeutically- systemic family therapists are great with this stuff and they could work with you individually or with you and your husband (and maybe your Sd too over time). If you don’t want to divorce your husband there are so many things you can do, divorce feels like such an extreme option. Even just mapping out with your husband what he takes on vs what you can be involved with, carving out your own life a bit more. If it really is just about waiting a couple of years there are definitely ways you can carve out a path for yourself and the rest of your family in a way that makes sure you are all happy.

if you had managed to have your own child you would have had 18+ years of having your freedom removed.

the poor girl has lost her mother, I think you need to consider leaving if you are starting to feel resentful. A grieving child doesn’t need an evil stepmother on top. You say she is a teen so actually its not going to be long before she flies the nest/goes to uni ,

when you get with a man who has a child you should always have the expectation the child could end up with you full time

Why would she think that?!

I'd hate this too OP, it would be about my worst nightmare. I'm afraid I don't have much useful advice though - I steered clear of any bloke who had children, it looked like a massive headache to me.

I'm guessing the residency wasn't 50/50, and the misery is being caused by having to houseshare with someone who is in effect an unrelated randomer, 100% of the time and with no end in sight.

Go see a counsellor
If you want to stay you can strategise how to cope
A teen has lost a parent that is tough on them

What the fuck?!

Pick up on the fact that she is being brought up and living with someone who doesn't even like her. What on earth do you imagine that's going to do to her?

Fawning and worshipping? You know this is a child, right? A child that has lost her mum recently. You think she should just shut up and put up with the fact her stepmum can't stand her?

All very sensible suggestions and exactly what I was going to say.

And wishing you much luck.
Two years is not that long. Find coping strategies and hang on in there. Your husband sounds like a good man. Don't give up yet.

@NancyThompson It's certainly a difficult situation, but the fact that the DSD is already 16 does make it more manageable. My youngest is 17 and we regularly go out doing our own thing as does he. It's completely different to caring for a younger child.

But, it's a huge change for the OP. I'd advise her to accept it and adapt though, because ending a happy marriage over this is just hurting herself in the longterm.

It's not gone forever so I think finding ways for you to cope during this time without losing your marriage is the way to go.

Is she old enough to be left alone overnight? Is there anyone that can stay with her? You can do short city breaks or even just an Airbnb. Is there any member of the family that can have regular sleepovers? One weekend a month she visits grandma.

Do you have any hobbies? Friends you can go away with?

@FloralGreen You asked if anyone had any tips.

I suggest you grit your teeth, bite your tongue, practice adopting a saintly attitude, and put up with her.
You don't say how old she is, but in a few years she will be leaving home.
So don't wreck your marriage over this - you can wait it out. Then you and DH can enjoy your retirement together.

You may find that when she is in her twenties and has her own home, that she is a lovely person you enjoy spending time with.
You may find out that you adore any grandchildren that arrive.

Hang on in there and just wait it out.

There’s a brilliant forum for people in exactly your position - search for it on google. You’ll likely get more helpful, sympathetic responses than on here. For what it’s worth, I can understand how you must be feeling and you are entitled to those feelings.

Is she on track to go to university? I ask because I think 2 years might be manageable, but if her issues that you allude to are likely to derail that then leaving becomes a more obvious route.

Can you change your life around a bit - set up your room so you can spend more time their (without it seeming like a prison); change your job hours so you are at home when she is out more; change your socializing so you are out more, away from the house when she is at home?

I would have regular but shortish set "family" time for the 3 of you if it isn't generally a disaster, maybe Sunday lunch, or a Thursday pizza and a movie night, but otherwise be happy leading a fairly separate life. Your DH needs to spend more time with her 1:1 (You having a close relationship with her would be nice, but it's not important, her dad having a close relationship with her is very important). Family therapy might also be a good idea for the two of them. It sounds like the girl had issues before her mum died, she could almost certainly do with some time focused on emotional maturity and relationships.

Then you and DH also need a set time for the two of you - "date night" on a night she's normally occupied would be ideal, but she's 16 so it's fine to just go out in the evening and leave her doing her own thing; an hour in your bedroom in the evenings when you watch TV together or chat or play scrabble or whatever; a hobby night you share; etc.

You don't have to lose the spontaneity, you just need to cut back the ambition slightly. European city breaks may be off the table for a couple of years, but there must be lots stuff you haven't seen, or haven't seen in years, within a few hours drive of you. Do those instead. Whether you're a National Trust fan or a modern art fan (or both) delve deeper into more local points of interest. Maybe join a local history group or start volunteering at a local museum etc. which will also get you away from the house and turn your focus elsewhere.

See how this goes for 6 months. At the moment you seem very focused on the fact things are not what they were, you need to build your resilience a bit and start making a life you can enjoy for the next few years.

(Would also add - your DH probably needs some support too - you presumably do have a good bond with him so focusing on how you can help him without you doing the parenting for him would probably also contribute to a better life for all of you.)

I do worry on this thread about the number of people commenting who may have zero experience of living with SC or even children. And making antagonistic comments about being 'selfish' or an 'evil stepmother' - where the OP has said nothing to indicate this at all - more the opposite. Her life has changed dramatically - 365 days of the year for the next 2 years at least.. and if the SC does go to uni, the SC is still likely to return for long summer, Christmas and Easter vacations for 3 to 4 years, and then possibly returning to live with them after that. Just saying 'suck it up for 2 years on anti-depressants' is not something I would advise. People can find it terribly hard to come off these and they may have serious side-effects, some of them quite nasty.

@StandingDeskDisco She's 16 so already old enough to be left for an evening while the OP and her DH go out, for example. Hopefully she's making some friends in their area, so she'll be out herself soon enough.

I feel v. sorry for the poor girl, she's lost her Mum and had to move to a new area, no wonder she's not a ray of sunshine. She's grieving and has to adapt to a new life. I hope that the OP realizes how hard this is.

Thats going to add a further layer of guilt to an already distressed child............

It may be the only option in the end but not one to be undertaken lightly

How about you start with just having a weekend away once a month.
Visit family, friends or even a city/country break somewhere on your own.
I think this is a reasonable thing to allow yourself, and to give him and his daughter some time just the two of them too.
Maybe once every few months you and DH can have a weekend away with DSD staying with family or a friend. Even if its just one night away.
I think it would help you to have these things booked in advance.

People like you ruin threads like this. Absolutely no help at all but straight for the jugular without acknowledging anything that OP said except that whatever it is, she's wrong.