Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

I've had a quick scan through your responses and I've not seen anything to suggest that anyone has asked about wider family. I don't mean to ship her off to live with anyone else, but are there maternal or paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins? Perhaps she could have some nice pre-planned short stays eg a weekend or half of half term, maybe a few days in the bigger school holidays etc, so she maintains important family relationships. This might provide small oases of your old life, every 6 weeks or so? I think that would give you something to look forward to. It could punctuate the next 2 years until uni?

Two years doesn’t seem that long if you make sure you get out of the house a lot - maybe you could get some new hobbies that require you to be out a lot (marathon training etc) like blokes seem to! You’re just curbing the holidays for two years.

Do you think this feeling has been exacerbated by the summer holidays? I’m definitely at the stage where I’m keen for some alone time after being with them 24/7.

You know what you need to do . If you are unhappy leave . You are right she deserves better .

Your reaction seems so strong, time goes ever faster as you age and there will be lots of time in the future for couple time, chill time etc.

Did you ever go to therapy to grieve not being able to get pregnant? There just seems so much more going on for you. Can you find a therapist you trust who is a good fit and work through this?

Well, in my case, his daughter was 24 when we moved in together and we didn't know how dependent on us she would end up being, so actually sometimes being with someone who has a kid, is the right decision.

It was not foreseeable at the time and I think many women would assume that a grown-up child living with its father would eventually leave home.

Yet you wanted to have children of your own?!

If I had a teen move in with me because they'd lost their parent, it wouldn't matter who their parent was. Yes, I'd lose the lifestyle I'd had but I'd know I could have one that is amazing and valuable and unique. It's a life adjustment but perhaps one you need. And also if they're 16, it's an adjustment that will take a couple of years. Why not work on enjoying them and getting to know your DSD rather than seeing them as a cuckoo child?

Exactly. Being a parent always comes first.
Poor husband. Don't think this marriage will survive ,sadly

No nothing has suggested OP is being unfair,cruel or dismissive of this child but OP has complained of her”eating all the food” and has admitted that she was secretly happy that child wasn’t around Dad much growing up.Like it or not,this child will know that you don’t like her regardless of how many gifts you buy.Whether child goes to uni or not she is now in her Dad’s life and will be for the foreseeable.

First of all I’m sending huge hugs your way OP because actually you are doing an amazing job; your step daughter is stating she is happier and she is thriving at the sports place you both set her up at.
I cannot think of a harder situation to inherit and yet you have taken it on, are helping her make a good life and are keeping all the strain and tears to yourself in the shower.
What you have asked for is help and secondly whether you should leave. Honesty OP I don’t think you should leave, but I do think you need a really good parenting of teenagers course to attend with your husband. It sounds like your DSD is in desperate need of stability, which you are already providing, and firm, but loving, boundaries with consequences. Your DH can provide all the loving bit if necessary, but you might (hopefully) find it starts to come when the rudeness and messiness is being addressed in a teen centric manner.
Even a good book on parenting teens would be a fantastic start and should allow you a feeling of greater control/input over the dynamics in your home.
Posters are right too, at 16 your DSD can be without you guys as you go on a night out and later even weekends. She needs to feel both of your trusts in her so she can start to gain confidence and find her trust in herself.
Also, it’s OK to cry, this is hard, let it out. It’s OK to sometimes put yourself first and it’s also OK to say no to your DSD when she is out of order. Try to notice and praise all the things she does right and don’t forget to thank yourself for everything you are putting into this difficult situation.

It took a long time for me to be able to say I genuinely love my step-children, and it was much easier for me as they weren’t living with us full time.

Of course you’re finding it difficult: children can be absolute dicks at times, and it’s hard to see past that when you don’t have that well of unconditional love draw on. She’s also been through trauma, and is likely still processing this.

As well as looking for common interests with your stepdaughter, maybe look at hobbies just for you to get you out of the house for a bit of headspace to reset? It sounds like she’s 16 or so - could you compromise with weekends away with your husband and leave her at home or with friends? As you say it’s not forever: if your husband is supportive of you (and lots wouldn’t be) then it sounds like you have a lot to work with. That you recognise your behaviour, own your emotions and want to change is hugely important. Good luck x

You don’t know how you’d respond, and it’s a different situation when it’s not your child.

Nearly all teenagers are untidy and unreasonable. You've only got 2 years until she goes to uni. They often mature into decent adults after Uni .

In the meantime just need to negotiate some 'me' time with you husband. Don't make it about her faults,she's had a difficult time with the death of her mother, and she probably realises you don't like her very much.

Just explain to him that you need some time to yourself. Start doing an activity you like once a week, and maybe book a spa day for yourself now and again. The perhaps have a weekend away with some girl friends .

Also make time to offer to do different things with her as well. It seems like you have done a lot to help her but how is really she coping with the loss of her mother ? Does. she need different counselling or help with her studies? . Does she have good friends and a social life with her friends or is it all based on things you've organised?

Is there an option of getting a cleaner in to help with housework?

I don't think you really want to leave so you, and she's not going anywhere for 2 years or so, so try to get a temporary compromise in place.

Just don't expect to much of yourself - I can honestly say most of us find it a struggle even when they are our own children. At this stage, you can still go off and do things on your own or with your DH but now it just takes a little bit of planning. My son has just turned 18 but even last year I was able to go off and have a lot more freedom so you won't have this for long.
I do think though, that now she's been with you a while, some rules need to be put in place re. respecting the house and tidying etc. Good luck OP x

@FloralGreen this sounds like a very difficult situation all round. I don’t think I’d be over joyed to have a teenager move into my child free home, however she’s not a stranger and she has every right to be there. I understand she might be a challenging child (regardless of the cause) but ultimately she’s not going anywhere and you need to adjust. You’ve never been a parent and she’s unlikely going to allow you to step into that role. As such your
relationship to each other and the boundaries aren’t really defined which probably complicates things. You are no doubt treading on egg shells which is causing you to feel uneasy and tense in your own home.

You haven’t said how your stepdaughter views/interacts with you. Is she accepting of you and just a difficult teenager whose experienced trauma or is she actively hostile towards you and angry that you’re here and her mum isn’t?
Does your husband have rules and boundaries for her or is he indulging her as he feels guilty about not being around and the father mum died? If he’s being extremely permissive then that’s probably not helping and setting out clear house rules and consequences everyone has to abide by might help.

Throwing away your (seemingly happy) marriage over a situation that will predominantly resolve itself in two years seems extreme. You haven’t elaborated on your feelings around being unable to have a child of your own and I wonder if this situation is causing emotions to arise in relation to that which are then exacerbating your negative feelings towards your step-daughter. Crying every day in the shower is extreme, you clearly aren’t coping and sound depressed.

Id suggest talking to your GP about your low mood, medication may be a support to you, but I’d also look into counselling for yourself too. Once you’ve done a bit of work on yourself it may also be helpful to do family therapy to improve the family dynamic. Even if your stepdaughter goes to uni in two years she’ll still be part of your life and improving that relationship can only be positive for the long term.

Seek outside help, you can get through this.

@FloralGreen

Such a tough situation for all involved, and I think you’ve had an unfairly hard time on here. Lovely to see a few have stuck up for you!! Some just hadn’t read your posts properly maybe too?

I presume you’ve considered this, but have you held a family household meeting to discuss some of the issues, elephants in the room, and to try to find solutions/compromises? Literally discuss what you two could do to help you develop a relationship of some kind.

You may get on better with her when she’s left and older, so I’d try to focus on getting through the next few years, rather than leaving the marriage. It probably won’t ever go back to how it was, but you may managed to establish a new normal that works well enough….

And if antidepressants help, sure, why not, worth a try!!

It is really tough, but the danger here is her bad behaviour gets overlooked as cutting her compassionate slack, and it can go too far too.

Shes got a decent life now, sure, she’s got grief and loss to live with, which will resurface at various points in her life, but she also still needs normal parental boundaries and parenting.

Good luck!!

Had an sm like you, same mentality me, me, me. Horrible, she caused emotional carnage me and sibling still dealing with now.

Move out and get divorced, you'll be happier. Or is he too rich? Even if you've got the wills sorted, he still might change them.

This happened to my friend, only difference was 2 teenage daughters not one. The life she loved was gone for many years and she nearly left her husband a few times but did stick it out, mainly because the dad fell into depression over the situation. 10ish years on and it's now ok for her but still severe problems with one of the daughters. It's really tough and I feel for all 3 of you.

You've been unlucky, but you knew your DH has a child, so this was always a possibility.
No one can insist or even expect you to love her, but you have to try and do the best by her and hang on until she goes to uni, if she moves back in afterwards you may have to review the situation.

Isn't that the difference between joint tenants and tenants in common? Or it is to do with marriage v cohabitation?