Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

I'm a step-mum to children whose mum has died. (Although a different situation in many ways - including that their mum died before I met their dad.)
This is a huge life change for you. (I appreciate that it is not as big as the loss your DSD has experienced but you know that.) It took me a while to adjust to being a parent and I wanted to do it and did it on purpose.
What can you do now to make life feel better for you now? Can you plan days out or trips with friends where you used to take your partner? Can your partner and his daughter plan to visit family/friends/go away for the weekend so you can sit alone on the sofa? Can you and your husband have a half day off work every month for a day-date?
When you say that everything fun and good in your life has gone, it sounds like you're depressed. Counselling might help. It might also help to remember that many people would struggle with the change you've gone through and you are probably not exceptionally horrible. You have normal feelings.
As PPs have suggested, if you can make something your together thing - whether it's a TV series you both don't hate, or getting a takeaway, or starting a chalk and cheese art collection - that could help. If that's just not going to work it's fine to acknowledge that too.

So you are currently (understandably) depressed and grieving. Therapy for you and consider some short term anti depressants.

Date nights out and being kind to yourself.

Having a near stranger parachute into your home is very challenging!

Even if we gave birth to them, we don't want lazy, rude, spoilt kids, so please don't think it's anything to do with whether you push them out or not. In this case, this poor kid had her family broken up (I know you say it was the mum's fault, not your husband's, but from the kid's point of view, whether both their parents are bad or only one, they still have to live through it), and now she's had a parent die, too.
So maybe she would have been ok, if this hadn't happened. Are you doing lots of family counselling, together? Is it possible to get her a job, or some volunteering work-kids who have suffered loss often say this helps them.

You can be like chalk and cheese and still take an interest in things she likes to do, you may find new things you come to like and if you involve her in your interests you may find you do have common ground. You would have to give some examples of things she likes and you don't and visa versa.

You may just have to put your fun life on hold for a while for your husband's sake. His daughter doesn't need another mother perhaps you could be a good friend as well as dad's wife. Try and cheer up you may well find you miss her and the mess by the time she goes to uni. It sounds like she is coping quite well with the changes in her life so you must be doing something right.

I think you’re getting a hard time. You signed up to be on the sidelines and being forced into this role isn’t what you signed up for. All the posters saying he was always a dad, yup one at weekends.

It does sound like you’ve tried everything. You talked about renting somewhere, could you get a caravan, a static or a touring one and base it nearby and near work and then stay a few nights a week in it or when you need a break? Make it entirely yours and decorate it and lovely so it’s a proper sanctuary. Bonus points if it’s got a sea view if that’s possible. Stay there and commute to work a few nights a week.

make sure you get away with your husband when she stays with family.

Have you found it harder I’ve the summer holidays because she is home more?
Surely she will be back at school / collage five days a week soon?
Do you have a job which takes you out of the house?
As hard as you are finding it now, it is only two years - and she will probably be out of the house more than in, if she is a typical sociable teenager - before she’s off to uni and you can have the life you loved back!
Divorce would be really extreme in this circumstance.

Do you and your husband go out for dinner a couple of evenings a week? Going to the pub and then carrying on to a restaurant might be a good way to chill together. Also there is no harm in going on to anti depressants for a while, it could really help.

Good idea about an affordable bolt hole. It’s just a phase in your marriage OP and in 2 years when she’s at Uni/a gap year it will pass. Break it down to make it bearable.

I think you need regular therapy so you have a space to say clearly, out loud, how you feel about this situation.

Then you bottle it all up again and go home. 2 years is not that long. You'll cope.

And meanwhile, how many of the things you mention are really lost? You can leave a 16 year old on her own at home, for an evening. You can probably arrange her overnights with friends or as part of activities, so you can have weekends away with your husband. If you feel you can't relax in your living room after dinner, can you arrange things in your own bedroom to create a nice space to chill there? etc.

That’s not helpful. The OP is showing compassion, and is asking for advice on how to improve the situation.

I would also advise that if the stepdaughter were younger, but she’s so close to the becoming independent stage it seems a shame to throw away a good marriage. The OP needs to somehow change her mindset and find more compassion and empathy for her stepdaughter, make it her mission to support and guide her, after her terrible loss.

OP, hypothetically, what would you have done if your husband had become ill/disabled, and your life together had changed radically? Would you have left him as you could no longer do all the fun things you used to? Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and in the scheme of things this is most likely quite a short term situation. Rise to the challenge!

You are very brave to be so honest in your post. I hope people will react kindly because you obviously recognise the issues for both you and SD, and the fact that neither of you wanted or asked for this.
It does sound as if you have done a lot for SD to make her feel happy and settled, and we all know that living with teenagers is challenging.
I think you should keep being honest with DH. Bottom line is this his daughter, not yours, and she will have been brought up differently from how you might done it had you had input when she was younger.
The thing is now, as a bereaved child, she may have arrested development ( sorry, it’s an awful phrase, don’t know the proper terminology) meaning that her personal development and maturity might have paused while she processes her bereavement, so she might be more needy than you would expect for a child of her age. Normally with a teenager, you might well let them stay with a friend or family for a weekend while the parents go away, but that maybe that’s not possible right now.
If there are grandparents or husband’s siblings, could she start spending a bit of time with them? Otherwise, you’ll just have to put couples holidays on hold for a few years.
You could go away with friends, leaving DH with SD, or take SD with you and try to ignore any sulking. It’s not the same, but this is the curveball life has thrown at you. Things change, you have to change. Make sure you do get time to yourself, and really, if she is 14 or older, you can leave her at home in the evening sometimes so you and DH can go out together sometimes, just not all the time.
It sounds like you doing your best in difficult circumstances, and you have stepped up even though you’re not enjoying it. You are not a bad stepmother at all.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I don't think leaving your DH is the right thing for you here. Think of this as a temporary issue. In the meantime, I would suggest doing a lot more things on your own outside of the house until she goes off to Uni. Spa days, take up some hobbies, long walks, gym membership, have you any close friends that you could enjoy weekends away with? Or would you fancy some weekend breaks solo?

Your Stepdaughter is old enough to leave home whilst the two of you go away for a weekend, but it would really depend on her state of grief as to whether that would be appropriate or not.

She likely needs some/more grief therapy, even if her behaviour was like this before her mum died, was this perhaps because her mother was suffering with a terminal illness? Obviously I don't know how she died, so just wondering if the daughter's behaviour was triggered by her mother's condition, if there was one.

Honestly, this too shall pass, I wouldn't leave your marriage over this. It will get better, hang on in there.

I think it sounds really hard - you missed all the fun times and now are just there for the really rough times. I've raised my teenager and it's still not my favourite era so far!

It sounds to me that you want to try to work through this, rather than walk away. There's no judgement from me if you do choose to walk away - though of course you'd know that your partner is a parent and therefore you will always come second, the reality of it sounds very different than what you'd think. If she's struggling in school then the likeliness is that she'll be with you for quite a while yet - even if she goes to Uni, she will likely come back after unless she's extremely lucky and gets a job immediately. So you need to wrap your head around this being the reality for the foreseeable future - though hopefully a bit better as she gets older.

I don't have an awful lot in common with my son. My daughter is easier as our interests overlap but I've had to just work with what I can with my son. I'm currently reading his favourite book so we can talk about it. I learned to play a stupid video game so we do that sometimes. We go bowling even though it's not my favourite. It's lovely to spend time together but I do have to be a bit more deliberate about it as it's not usually things that I'd think to do on my own. I'd look for some sort of overlap as a starting point.

I think you absolutely have to move out although I don’t see why you have to get divorced if you and your husband still love each other. Live separately, go on date nights but leave him at home to be the father his daughter needs. If in a few years once she has properly moved out you are ready to move back in together then do it then. I definitely wouldn’t assume university is it - they are home almost as much as they are away and can be awful when they first come back! If you feel like this is putting your life on hold then maybe divorce is the answer But I don’t think you can continue living like you are that is just miserable for everyone

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. None of this might be helpful, but you never know! You are not her mum and you don't need to parent her, that's on her dad, so he should be addressing poor behaviour and compromises to help everyone live together better. Here's some suggestions

• Therapy, for her, to address the behavioural issues such as how she speaks to people. Call it grief counselling if that might help her accept it
• A cleaner or home help to help with the messiness
• get yourself some distance a few days a week. Cinema trips, hotel stays, dinner/stays with friends. This doesn't have to be a long term thing, but it does sound like you could do with some distance. Can you afford a garden room? A space that is just yours, completely out of bounds for everyone else.
• when you are at home focus on doing the nice things you want to do, not dealing with all the crap, get your DH to do more of that
• Up her activities if you can, get her out of the house and twice as busy.
• If she's 2 years from uni is she not old enough to be left alone in the house for short periods? So you can still have evenings out?
• Instigate house rules that everyone can agree to, figure out where you can compromise and what you really need her to change, and DH too

It will pass. Two years sounds a long time and it is, especially if you are unhappy. But nothing will change unless you make a change. Getting a divorce seems very drastic as your marriage is not the problem.

Go and see your Doctor. It could be that you have depression which is making you much more emotional and sad about the situation. Medication could definitely help. I'd do that first. That may help you to improve our mindset and see this as something that is a temporary part of your life that, while challenging and not your choice, isn't forever.

This is indeed a very difficult situation. I think in your position I would move out to a small flat temporarily. Say an initial 6 months then see how it goes. You could position it with her that you want to give her and dad some bonding time alone as things have been so difficult for her. Positives are that you don’t see her mess and dad does. So unless he wants to spend the next 2 years tidying up after her, he will address it. Go on your little trips with friends. Go round to see them both and retire to your flat when you can’t cope anymore. For 2 years or so it is worth trying to wait it out I think. Hopefully there comes a time when you don’t need to retreat for your own peace of mind.

Honestly I think this 'what if' that has happened to you is many a stepmothers worst nightmare.

I don't have any real suggestions really. An honest conversation will lead to heartbreak from your DH to some extent. You can either suck it up and try harder, or admit defeat and that this was not what you signed up for.

Why blame women for the choices men make with respect to their first families?

You need to separate, you are not a side character in your own life.

she’s lost her mum, it’s not going to be a case of two years and she’s off to uni and all then all plain sailing as you go back to your lives.

she’s going to need her dad for a lot longer.

your not coping now and you deserve to have a life you are happy with. This situation is nobody’s fault, but it can’t go on as it is.

OP.. I think if you were a man and your wife had suddenly brought her teenager to live with you - people would be a lot more understanding that he was used to living a child-free life and was not a parent. I feel that women get a heavy heavy dose of lectures of the need to be kind and compassionate and consider the needs of the child... I have a teenage SC (a perfectly lovely, lovely child) only here on a PT basis - and yet I too have struggled massively with weeping in the shower and feeling like I am a guest in my own home, whilst the parent and the SC trundle around feeling comfortable and relaxed at home.. and I no longer can. The lack of autonomy is hard. I too am counting down the years left.

Unless you’re a step parent or have been, you have no reason to comment on this thread putting the OP down. You will never know how hard it is to have to walk the tightrope that is being a step parent so your comments are unnecessary.

You should leave.You are worried about mourning the life you used to have whilst a child is mourning an actual life.
You married a man with a child that was conveniently distanced and now you have to live with the reality of an involved parent and you don't get him all to yourself, you just sound selfish

You can't continue to feel like an outsider in your own home. Do you have a sibling or friend who could put you up for a while just to give you a chance to think.