Childfree step mother failing as a step-parent and worried about my marriage.

[FloralGreen]

I have no children. My husband has a daughter but her mother had moved away for work when the child was very young some years earlier so when we got together, contact with my stepdaughter did occur but was fairly minimal on my part. I found her a challenge to be around - usual complaints I see about kids - she was rude, spoilt, entitled, demanding - I did try but she was a difficult kid.

My husband and I have tried for children but it didn't happen for us. We instead have had a lot of freedom to just do what we want most of the time and to really enjoy life. I have been so happy with my husband and the life we had together. He has always kept in contact with his daughter but due to distance and, no doubt her mother in her ear, she has been reducing contact as she'a got a bit older and secretly and selfishly, I've been quite relieved.

However, everything changed after my stepdaughter's mother died and she moved in with us full-time. We've done our best to settle her and help her adjust, counselling, found her social groups etc. And she has settled and tells us and others that she's happier living where she lives now.

The problem is me because I have never been so unhappy and miserable and just generally hopeless and deflated. I absolutely hate my life now. Everything that was fun and good has gone. Every aspect of my life has changed for the worse due to having a teenager in the house. I miss my independence, my happiness, the weekends away, even just chilling on the sofa without having a child around. She's rude, messy, lazy - all the things people say their kids are like but I am really struggling because she is not my child and I have no love bond with her so I just feel like I have this rude person in my house messing it up, eating all the food, and stopping me doing things I used to do. Even things like going on holiday - we can't go out of term-time now so it's either pay a lot more money, go somewhere not as nice, or just not going anywhere. And, I know parents face this challenge all the time but she's not my kid.

I know I sound horrible - I really feel horrible too! - but I'm feeling so resentful and struggling with the situation. My husband is amazing and so supportive but I'm not coping well with losing the life I loved and having it replaced with just misery and sadness for a kid who isn't mine.

Does anyone have any tips? Or, has anyone been in a similar situation and had to leave? It's devastating me to be in this situation and obviously I knew my husband had a kid when we married but nothing could have prepared me for this and just how awful life would become. We have about two years until she hopefully goes to uni and I thought I could cope but as the months have gone on, I feel even worse and think I'm just about at breaking point.

Just to add that I do feel my stepdaughter deserves better than me. I've tried but I can't switch on maternal feelings or love.

It sounds like you're depressed so can you get some treatment for that? Can your husband gently set out some rules for her eg making the sitting room tidy by the end of the day if she's been messy, putting her dishes in the dishwasher, basic manners eg be quiet after 11pm. I have to do this with my kids or the place would be a pigsty.
She's 16 so yes she'll potentially be very challenging, especially having lost her mother, but she'll soon grow up. The summer hols are nearly over, I presume she'll be back at school which might make things easier.
Can you stay for your husband's sake, surely he'll not want to lose you at such a stressful time. Say give it 6 more months and try to do things with him to get some you time back.
Can you really say nothing is enjoyable any more? That's very extreme. If she's that bad that every moment is ruined then yes your marriage might be doomed, but hopefully that is not really true. You're grieving your old life, but the new one may have pluses you're not yet aware of.

It sounds like you're depressed so can you get some treatment for that? Can your husband gently set out some rules for her eg making the sitting room tidy by the end of the day if she's been messy, putting her dishes in the dishwasher, basic manners eg be quiet after 11pm. I have to do this with my kids or the place would be a pigsty.
She's 16 so yes she'll potentially be very challenging, especially having lost her mother, but she'll soon grow up. The summer hols are nearly over, I presume she'll be back at school which might make things easier.
Can you stay for your husband's sake, surely he'll not want to lose you at such a stressful time. Say give it 6 more months and try to do things with him to get some you time back.
Can you really say nothing is enjoyable any more? That's very extreme. If she's that bad that every moment is ruined then yes your marriage might be doomed, but hopefully that is not really true. You're grieving your old life, but the new one may have pluses you're not yet aware of.

Honestly I do feel for you. You planned on having children and it didn't happen so sometimes when that happens the brain switches into being grateful for the child free lifestyle and you psychology change your mindset Into believing that's what you want. Now that has shifted again so it's a headfuck

She has gone through an awful lot as well as being a teenager and all those complexities losing her mum and her home and friendships is huge !

This is a a readjustment for you all. Give it time can grandparents offer some respite at a weekend so you can have some down time?

If it's not working out you have to be honest and consider calling timing on this relationship. He will always be her father , he may not always be your partner

You promised your husband 'for better for worse'. This is for worse.

I'm sorry it's hard. It won't be forever.

She may not be yours but whether you like it or not you ARE bonded to her because she is the child of your husband you are married to. You have legal ties (to him) and moral ties to them both. I know many on mumsnet disagree but my view is when you marry someone, you take them part and parcel and if they have children, they are part of the package.

This happened to a friend of mine and honestly she sucked it up for a few years until the kid went to uni. They are actually very close now.

You can't change her and you can't make yourself happy she's there.

But from one human to another - please do try not to resent her. She lost her mother.

I hope your partner knows you take marriage vows so lightly. Things get hard? Run away. Yikes.

@FloralGreen From what I gather it's not her presence per se that is a problem but her attitude/behaviour. What is her father doing to rein that in? Teenagers can be difficult at times because they are in emotional turmoil but that's no excuse for being rude and lazy. Her dad needs to give consequenses for bad behaviour.

You don't need antidepressants- you need your dh to step up and put some limits for his daughter.

It's hard on all of you. But you've had some excellent advice on this thread - if you can re-frame things a little then surely it's worth staying in the marriage, because your DH sounds like a decent man. the alternative is being alone - is that what you want?

I'm not a step-parent, but I grew up with a stepdad who resented my presence, as I was not like the "perfect" children he left behind when his first marriage broke down. Things got particularly awful when I was a teenager, and we really couldn't stand each other. I wasn't happy, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't either. But very slowly things started to change....by the time I was in my early 20s and no longer living at home we started to have the odd conversation. The parent-child dynamic was replaced by two adults interacting, and we started to find things in common, and appreciate each other a bit more. He was a great grandfather to my DCs. By the time he died in 2020 we had a very close relationship.

There are so many phases to go through when children are involved, and the teen years are a challenge, but there will be a day when you and your DSD find common ground. It may take a while, but you need to decide if it's worth hanging on for.

You were secretly pleased he had no real relationship with his child. I mean thats just horrible to start with

How old was she when she moved in? How long ago was that?

Will she go to uni?

It's very different if the teen is 13 and you know there's another 5yrs to uni, or if not, probably more like 10-15yrs till she gets her own place, Vs she's 16 and almost certainly headed for uni in 2yrs.

I feel for you OP. It's an awful thing to lose her mother, but you say she was a school bully and unpleasant beforehand anyway. Having a horrible eventful happen to her doesn't change that she's not a nice person, it likely means she now has further issues on top of her unkind personality and could probably do with counselling. DS went to school with a boy like this, he was horrible and violent to lots of DS friends. Then his mother passed away, and instantly his behaviour was excused, when actually it was little different to before she passed. That's not lacking empathy. Bad things can happen to anyone. Bullies included.

Will she attend counselling at all? If she was a happier person, do you think you two might find some common ground and form a bond?

I found myself in a very similar situation for different reasons - same age DSD, same awful behaviour and me going out of my mind in my own home. Hugs @FloralGreen I get it totally.

What got me through it was knowing that it was for a limited time, counselling and antidepressants to cope with the behaviour (some of it typical teenage that I just wasn't expecting, and some really very nasty stuff on the top - and her dad did no parenting of either thing), and booking in regular days and weekends away so I had space from the situation and so I always had something to look forward to.

I made sure that DSD had regular time booked with other members of her family, so that she had other people to talk to than just us and so that we had time just the two of us (very minimal, like an evening out each month, but it was something).

I also, very privately, kept what I believe is called a reverse calendar, counting down the days until she was next away, or I was, and until she was due to move out completely. This sounds spiteful but honestly, it was the thing that kept me from leaving, knowing that there would be a time when things would change again, and that this wasn't my life forever. She never saw it, nor would have understood what it was if she had as it was well disguised, before anyone accuses me of unfettered cruelty - all of it was me doing what I could do to save my marriage, and my sanity, whilst still offering a home and kindness to a young woman that threw it all back in my face.

That sounds like it's all about me love, but it isn't meant to be, it's suggestions of how you might cope for a while. I am so sorry you find yourselves in this situation, not great for any of the three of you, and your DSD is a bit young yet (as mine was) to develop strategies to make it easier all round, so you will have to. Best of luck love.

Are some posters missing that this teens mother died ?! And she has had to move in with with dad who this step mother admits did not have a good relationship with his own daughter.

I think you are being hard on yourself OP. Teenagers are difficult animals even when you made them yourself. Nearly everyone who has one mourns their life without them, even though they love them dearly.

Before long she’ll be independent and less of a tie for you. When the time comes, she may well go to uni away from home and you’ll be lucky to see her at all!

In the meantime, try building a bond with her, find a shared interest or make time for her when it’s just the two of you. She won’t always be a teenager and she might turn out to be an adult that you come to love.

Stick it out for a couple of years until she's an adult, basically. Whereupon she'll probably still be living there at least some of the time, but more separate lives will be possible. She'll be wanting to spend more time with her friends, maybe go on holiday with them etc. Sooner or later there'll be a boyfriend, and so on. This too shall pass. Don't throw your marriage away over this when it's not really that long until she'll be more independent.

Is there any chance at all of being able to rent / buy somewhere else, like a studio flat? Somewhere for you to be some of the time in the short term, and then when she's older and working, it would be for her? Did her mother leave her any money which could be invested for her in this way...?

In the meantime, don't put your life on hold. Go on holiday by yourself, or with a friend or other family member. Go out doing the things you enjoy, seeing your friends etc. (Reminding yourself all the while, if it helps at all, if all the poor sods who can't do that because they've got small children). Don't hang around fighting for your DH's attention. Role-model an independent woman with a life of her own for your SD. One day she'll be off living her own life and DH will be complaining how little he sees her. It will pass.

Is your step daughter having any counselling or therapy? Are you?

Having a child or adult of any age move into your home as part of your family unit is going to be disruptive and change dynamics. I feel like you are placing a lot of blame on a younger person who is in your home through no choice of her own with all the additional layers of grief that come after losing a parent at any age.

I'm not getting a lot of empathy from your post.

I'm getting a lot of generalisations about younger kids being annoying and teenagers being grumpy and messy.

Do you remember being a teenager?

Do you remember all of those big feelings?

Now add to that the huge life changing disruption of a house move, different schools, friends, family etc AND the loss of your mother.

I am a step mother. I know there are challenges when that child hasn't been with you 100%, when her mother has maybe had different boundaries and different styles of parenting. We've had a good relationship (with her and her mum) but especially during and post covid as she moved through her teen years, became more independent, got a job, spends her free time with friends, etc she's become more distant and less present physically in our lives and she's rubbish at messaging.

I am the grown up though. It's my job to keep our relationship positive and open and not combative, it's my role to make sure I find ways to help facilitate ongoing relationships with her brothers and the wider family.

It's not a transactional relationship. I don't get to duck out of parental responsibilities and the role of the grown up in the relationship. I need to be constant and welcoming and supportive.

You've not mentioned your husband much in your post. What's his role in her being "rude, messy, lazy"? Are there consequences? Are there conversations? Are there boundaries set?

If you want to leave your marriage because you can't go on term time holidays for two years after your husband's child's mum died just leave.

You don't have to love this child. You don't have to be her best friend. But it is gross to hear that you resent her to such an extent.

My non-step kids are 14 and 18 and I love the freedom we have now. I don't recognise your frustration at not being able to go on term time holidays because we've not done that for two decades. She's what 15 or 16? My youngest still goes away on weekend camps or tours with scouts and sports, we can still have time without him here. It's much easier now than when they were little to go out on any evening to concerts, plays, hobbies, sports, to go on girls trips, hen dos etc. Do you do any of these things with your friends rather than your husband?

I do sympathise and I think it's very brave of you to write all this for MN's to tear apart.

Yes, there is always a risk attached to marrying someone with children but of course you don't have to like the massive change in your life, that's ok too. We all have different needs. Sadly you have no real solution because his daughter needs her dad even more than ever. Unless the pair of you can find a way to gel together that doesn't leave you in tears in the shower then the only thing you have left is to move out or divorce. Am sorry OP. If it's any comfort, she won't be a teenager forever and will soon enough be on her way as an adult, hopefully uni etc.

I am sure the last thing she wanted was to move in with u and her dad. I would try to remain on the sidelines where possible and but the poor kid some slack. I say this as someone whose dad died when i was 17. Both my parents were living together, but dad was probably the default parent. It was a very sad and scary time .

This is such a good post.

Been there. It's shit. For everyone. Grandparents were a great help to us, taking my stepchildren for a good couple of weeks or more in the summer holidays. My DH stepped up and did most of the parental stuff like discipline. I made it clear I was not trying to be their mum (in our case she was still alive but had a health crisis) and would never be able to be particularly maternal. But that I hoped to be reasonable and approachable and that we would get through until the kids were adults and felt able to make their own lives. It was tough on all of us but we got out the other side and all get on fine these days.

If you lived so far away your husband didn't see much of his daughter, then when she moved in I assume she had to move school as well.

Those are huge changes for her to make at a key age and stage, as well as process the death of her parent.

wow I thought this was going to be a complaint about a 24 or 28 yr old. But no, a teen, who has lost her mother, had divorced parents, was distanced from her Dad etc. Honestly there's one person in this mix who is sounding entitled and selfish in here and it's not the teen. Teenagers are rarely tidy, their hormones are all over the place, and they test every boundary. You need to want to build a relationship with her and helping her starts with making more effort and thinking less about yourself. Hopefully the father does the right thing by his young daughter.

Edited to add this book by way of recommendation - it may help (I am a step parent too): Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do by Wednesday Martin Ph.D. (Author)

I wondered about this too. Is your DH doing any actual parenting, or is he reluctant to impose any proper boundaries?

That must be awful I would hate that (step mother here) we sign up for part time parenting but not full time.

The good part though is her age, 16, and she’s going to Uni soon, the likelihood is once she goes to Uni she will unlikely move back in full time.

Stick it out OP, plus she’s 16 aren’t they old enough then to be left at home for a few days so you can still have some time away with your husband..? Get that time booked in. Leave all the parenting to him, it isn’t your responsibility.

I really do have a lot of sympathy for you, for your step daughter and for your DH, it is a truly awful situation. However I do think given how you feel, because you are an adult and you have choices that you should leave.

OP do you have enough money to throw money at the problem before you consider divorce?

The problems you have like her eating all the food - buy more food? Don't fixate on how much she eats.

You want to sit on the sofa alone - do you have room in your bedroom for a TV and sofa? Could you buy a bigger house with a huge bedroom so you had your own space?

Resentment about cleaning - can you hire a cleaner?

I think it would be a shame to end a happy marriage, especially as she's 16 and will hopefully go to university.

I have never had a stepchild but I had step parents and I don't think you seem horrible at all. It would be upsetting for me for my life to suddenly change and feel out of control. I would try focus on how you can make this easier for yourself.

I don't think that you need to leave, I think that you need to carve out some time for things that make you happy and agree some sort of house rules for everyone.

First of all don't feel any pressure to bond with her or love her, that's guaranteed to make things worse, just let your new relationship evolve and grow. She said she feels happy where she is so you're obviously doing something right. Over time you may find you have a common interest if you don't that's fine.

Some suggestions below

• Encourage your DH and DSD to have one to one time together out of the house, that will give you some time to chill.

• Find things to do with your friends or family, that also gives them one to one time together as well as giving you a break. From lunches, dinners, cinema trips, girls holidays.

• Get date nights planned, she's old enough to be left on her own for a few hours once a month or so.

• Plan some things for all three of you to do

• Agree some basic house rules that work for you all, keeping the kitchen tidy, everyone tidying up after themselves generally, perhaps your DSD could take a turn at cooking for you all or start doing her own washing - things that will benefit her if she goes to uni?