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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should we have to pay this much maintenance?

202 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 20:47

DP and I live together in a house we bought together last year. He has a DD (8) with ex wife who he split with when DD was a year old. I have 2 DC of my own.

His DD has never stayed overnight with him because mum firstly breast fed until she was 3 so he was unable to have her overnight for those first few years, she has then built up such a strong bond she is unable to spend a night away from her Mum and is very traumatised if this is attempted. However, she otherwise loves spending time with her Dad and being here and throughout all these years Dad has paid maintence.
His DD is now spending more time at ours than ever before, in the last 7 days she has been here for 4 full days and we give her all meals but goes home about 7pm, Dad does all the driving. This happens most weeks now.
We are starting to wonder if he could suggest paying less as we have her for sometimes more meal times and hours than her Mum but obviously maintenence is worked out on overnight stays.

Does this sound completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 07/04/2021 20:49

You are being unreasonable. It is overnights that count. You sound quite mean spirited by wanting to reduce payment.

LizziesTwin · 07/04/2021 20:50

I wouldn’t, after all you want to encourage the relationship and it seems to be improving.

backaftera2yearbreak · 07/04/2021 20:51

Yabu

Sally872 · 07/04/2021 20:52

I think most of the maintenance will pay for housing, heat/electric and clothing. Food for a 7 year old is not a huge additional cost.

Can you afford current maintenance? I wouldn't risk reducing it unless I had very good reason.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 20:52

YABVU

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/04/2021 20:53

'Strong bonds' do not avoidant children make. Children with strong attachments tend to be more brave and adventurous than they would otherwise be.

I'd work on trying a sleepover here or there.

user1493413286 · 07/04/2021 20:54

I can see your point and I think I’d want to suggest that too as you’re paying the costs for those days.
It seems quite strange that at 8 she doesn’t stay overnight though and is traumatised by it. A lot of children by the age of 3 haven’t spent a night away from home but still manage it with grandparents at some point and in not long there will be the issue of sleepovers with friends coming up.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 20:55

I hope I'm not mean spirited we have a lovely relationship and I know it is overnights that are counted but when the nrp is actually paying for the majority of meals and takes her home for bedtime yet still gives full maintenence just feels a lot to pay for at times. Is it costing mum more to have her sleep back at her house for 12 hours? It isn't?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2021 20:55

So, does he currently pay maintenance at the csa rate of his salary from 8 years ago, which assumes no overnight stays? (Which everyone knows goes no where near the cost of bringing a child up). Or does he pay more?

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 20:56

She has missed out on school trips and brownie camps as unable to leave mum 😔

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 07/04/2021 20:57

Why are you paying maintenance, OP?

EnoughnowIthink · 07/04/2021 20:58

You know children need more than just food? Who is paying for clothing, hair cuts, shoes, nursery fees, toys, activities?

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:01

She is 8 so no nursery fees. Dad gets her toys etc for here and pays half of all other clubs as well. I'm aware of what children need having two myself!
She never has an outfit on twice and is always in brand new clothes and latest stuff.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2021 21:03

It's difficult for us to help op without some numbers. Does he pay £5000 per month child maintenance or £10? Somewhere in between?

Cattitudes · 07/04/2021 21:03

@Festivalgirl83

She has missed out on school trips and brownie camps as unable to leave mum 😔
I would be bigging up beginning to stay over and moving towards that goal. It will make school trips and brownie camps much easier. Suggest that she tries it once a week and make it a really fun, special time. Her mother should be working towards that too at age 8. Don't mention maintenance at this stage because that might be part of the mother's reluctance to let her stay over.
KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 21:05

Ah she's only 8, it can take some children a while to want to stay overnight. I'd keep encouraging her and hopefully she will stay at dad's soon. Maybe if it's not too far from Mum's then they could agree for her to try and as soon as it gets too much she can go back whatever time it is. Or if agreeable with everyone Mum could put her to bed at dad's house (I'd feel weird about this personally though).

Ginger1982 · 07/04/2021 21:05

How much does he pay?

ElderMillennial · 07/04/2021 21:07

You shouldn't be paying any maintenance. Your DP should but I don't think you're being unreasonable in what you say at all

Your DP circumstances sound unusual in that it is obviously more common for children to stay overnight but four days and no nights is still a substantial amount of the week especially as it is in the day that would be feeding them and spending money

If he is paying at least the CMS minimum amount based on not having them at all then yes he should discuss it with his ex

MyGorramShip · 07/04/2021 21:07

Wow, you pay for four meals a week extra than you usually do and you want to drop CMS payments? Hmm

ElderMillennial · 07/04/2021 21:08

I think most of the maintenance will pay for housing, heat/electric and clothing. Food for a 7 year old is not a huge additional cost.

If that is the case what is the difference between counting nights rather than days?

KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 21:09

As Cattitudes said I'd try and keep the Maintenance and the staying over seperate in conversations as it might be a reason why mum is not keen to encourage it.

Ikeameatballs · 07/04/2021 21:09

I’d work on overnight stays and not mention maintenance.

I don’t necessarily think YABU, I just think it’s the only way to proceed.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:10

@Ginger1982

How much does he pay?
He pays £250 each month
OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:12

@ElderMillennial

You shouldn't be paying any maintenance. Your DP should but I don't think you're being unreasonable in what you say at all

Your DP circumstances sound unusual in that it is obviously more common for children to stay overnight but four days and no nights is still a substantial amount of the week especially as it is in the day that would be feeding them and spending money

If he is paying at least the CMS minimum amount based on not having them at all then yes he should discuss it with his ex

Yes this is the CMS requirement what he pays
OP posts:
KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 21:12

@MyGorramShip

Wow, you pay for four meals a week extra than you usually do and you want to drop CMS payments? Hmm
And breakfast and lunch. It's basically a day but back to mum's for bed.

The house and clothes cost the same no matter how many nights so part of the money must be for food.