Should we have to pay this much maintenance?

[Festivalgirl83]

DP and I live together in a house we bought together last year. He has a DD (8) with ex wife who he split with when DD was a year old. I have 2 DC of my own.

His DD has never stayed overnight with him because mum firstly breast fed until she was 3 so he was unable to have her overnight for those first few years, she has then built up such a strong bond she is unable to spend a night away from her Mum and is very traumatised if this is attempted. However, she otherwise loves spending time with her Dad and being here and throughout all these years Dad has paid maintence.
His DD is now spending more time at ours than ever before, in the last 7 days she has been here for 4 full days and we give her all meals but goes home about 7pm, Dad does all the driving. This happens most weeks now.
We are starting to wonder if he could suggest paying less as we have her for sometimes more meal times and hours than her Mum but obviously maintenence is worked out on overnight stays.

Does this sound completely unreasonable?

@SmashedAvocado

Your own DC must have a pretty miserable life if you think that your DP paying £250 a month to contribute to the upbringing of his child is excessive. Most people spend more than that on car finance.

Are you wanting him to reduce CMS so you have more money in the pot for you and your DC?

Is it only due to the school holidays his DC is spending more time at yours? How likely is that to continue when she’s back at school?

You sound really petty and considering you’re not even married to her Dad should butt out and stop whispering in his ear (which I bet you do) about it.

*Most people spend more than that on car finance.,

Really? I know 2 people who have car finance, and sure they may pay more for this, but most people I know don't have car finance

It makes me feel sick imagining if one day my daughter’s dad, or anyone he brought into her life, handed her her dinner in his home while thinking in his head about what money he could take off her to make up for it

@LizziesTwin

I wouldn’t, after all you want to encourage the relationship and it seems to be improving.

Totally this

£500 a month! Are you kidding me. I have no idea what you people are spending your money on. I’m shocked by all those activities. You know what you can be a better parent without spending a fortune. Take away your kids consoles, phones and streaming services - that was my favourite- just for the day use your imaginations. Also not all of us earn the same money so please be careful when you say ” £250 that’s awful” that’s a lot of money to some people. And they are quite possibly the same people that are working hard to keep our country going right now while risking their own health.

You know what you can be a better parent without spending a fortune

You know you can be a better person without judging the choices of others.

That’s my point!!! 🤣

Well some people dont think like that sometimes
My partner does his fair share and still gets called bad father etc usual bullshite
On the other hand i raised my daughter by myself never depended on any man for money

And she turned absoutly amazing

I never played the maytr i got on with what i had to do

@Kimbo180

I never played the maytr i got on with what i had to do

It is not “playing the martyr” to expect a child’s father to contribute toward their upkeep.

I never played the maytr i got on with what i had to do

Oh wow. Women calling other women ‘marytr’ because they expect a contribution from the other parent of their child? You know that makes you part of the problem?

Im not part of any problem. I just never expected anything from him nor did i want anything from him
Different strokes for different folks
I guess

£250 a month is pittance.

@justwaydamin to you!!! But if your struggling to feed and clothe your children is it a pittance then! Do you not get it?!?

[quote Witchymclovely]@justwaydamin to you!!! But if your struggling to feed and clothe your children is it a pittance then! Do you not get it?!?[/quote]
Erm exactly. So 250 is the minimum he should be paying for his child

@justwaydamin OMG I’m so cross by your comment, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Where has your head been the last year and a half?!? Pull your head out of your arse and look around at the world.

No you said £250 is a pittance, full stop. That’s what you said.

I’m really surprised by comments saying it’s impossible to raise a child on £500 a month. It’s a wonder I managed to survive to adulthood without £160 a month classes and weekly trips to theme parks and zoos

£250, which is half, so £500 a month per child is a hell of a lot of money to many families, do we even know how much OP’s partner earns? Many things quoted on here as essential are absolutely not, they’re lifestyle choices and you’re lucky you can afford to spend that kind of money on your children. £250 a month is a pittance if you’re on £100,000 a year, but if you’re on minimum wage it’s a lot money. Which must make some parents on a low income reading this thread feel awful.

@Elsiebear90

I’m really surprised by comments saying it’s impossible to raise a child on £500 a month. It’s a wonder I managed to survive to adulthood without £160 a month classes and weekly trips to theme parks and zoos

£250, which is half, so £500 a month per child is a hell of a lot of money to many families, do we even know how much OP’s partner earns? Many things quoted on here as essential are absolutely not, they’re lifestyle choices and you’re lucky you can afford to spend that kind of money on your children. £250 a month is a pittance if you’re on £100,000 a year, but if you’re on minimum wage it’s a lot money. Which must make some parents on a low income reading this thread feel awful.

It’s not about essentials it’s about maintaining the standard of living the child would have had if the parents had stayed together.

“It’s not about essentials it’s about maintaining the standard of living the child would have had if the parents had stayed together”

Partially but when the same amount of money has to pay for 2 households, often no one can maintain the standard of living they had. Neither parent, nor kids

@Elsiebear90 Thankyou that was what I was trying to say but you said it so much nicer.
@UseMyName your talking about standard of living, now! Today! Jesus Christ.
“Real world calling Usemyname, any answer?!? No she missed that one.

Parenting is more than about giving food. The girl lives with her mother, no way should your husband reduce maintenance. That would be the height of meanness. £250 seems fair to me and if your partner couldn't afford it, eg because of low income, he would have to pay less but that is obviously not the case.

It strikes me as sad that your husband and his ex split when their daughter was still breast feeding. She was still virtually a baby then. At what stage did you enter the picture?

@UseMyName unless I’ve missed something we have no idea what standard of living OP’s stepdaughter has or had before her parents separated, they could both be on minimum wage for all we know. All we have been told is he pays £250 a month maintenance (as well as paying half towards other expenses) and apparently that’s a pittance and it’s impossible to raise an 8 year old child on £500 a month.

@Witchymclovely

£500 a month! Are you kidding me. I have no idea what you people are spending your money on. I’m shocked by all those activities. You know what you can be a better parent without spending a fortune. Take away your kids consoles, phones and streaming services - that was my favourite- just for the day use your imaginations. Also not all of us earn the same money so please be careful when you say ” £250 that’s awful” that’s a lot of money to some people. And they are quite possibly the same people that are working hard to keep our country going right now while risking their own health.

You’re accusing others if being judgmental but you state that “you can be a better parent without spending a fortune”. I think you mean, you can be a good parent without spending a fortune.

However, if you mean what you said in your initial post, please don’t get defensive or rude about others having more disposable income than you. Screen time is also the cheapest way to entertain children, so I don’t quite understand your point? Days out and experiences come to a lot more than the tv/phone.

From reading your subsequent posts, it is clear that Covid/lockdown has affected you financially. I hope your situation improves.

Your so patronising. And looking at YOUR subsequent posts typical that you would jump to that conclusion. My situation is fine thank you I just don’t have that kind of attitude to money. It’s not rude or defensive it’s just human. I’ve worked throughout lockdown and I’m so tired, so tired of people talking about “ maintaining a standard of living”. You don’t need to live poverty to have respect for people that do. I just work in an environment where no amount of money is going to help you right now. It changes your perspective somewhat. Ps I showed your message to my colleagues, we laughed our arses off.

Does your partner reduce his contribution because you have 2 children?

Its worth remembering that your partner still has 90% of his income to spend on his living costs. That's not a bad deal.