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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should we have to pay this much maintenance?

202 replies

Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 20:47

DP and I live together in a house we bought together last year. He has a DD (8) with ex wife who he split with when DD was a year old. I have 2 DC of my own.

His DD has never stayed overnight with him because mum firstly breast fed until she was 3 so he was unable to have her overnight for those first few years, she has then built up such a strong bond she is unable to spend a night away from her Mum and is very traumatised if this is attempted. However, she otherwise loves spending time with her Dad and being here and throughout all these years Dad has paid maintence.
His DD is now spending more time at ours than ever before, in the last 7 days she has been here for 4 full days and we give her all meals but goes home about 7pm, Dad does all the driving. This happens most weeks now.
We are starting to wonder if he could suggest paying less as we have her for sometimes more meal times and hours than her Mum but obviously maintenence is worked out on overnight stays.

Does this sound completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/04/2021 21:42

I don't think an eight year old costs very much to feed. Depends how much maintenance he is paying.

Viviennemary · 07/04/2021 21:44

I see he pays £250 A month. That isn't much IMHO. Nobody is going to get rich on that.

KoalaOok · 07/04/2021 21:44

Did dad sleeping with her help? That might be a way to start off. They could have a sleepover in her room.

May172010 · 07/04/2021 21:46

Seriously? Why so mean? Let her father deals with this and don’t be like this

worried3012 · 07/04/2021 21:48

Out of interest OP what do you think he should be paying? Genuinely curious to know

Putdownthecake · 07/04/2021 21:49

I think overnights is one of the big failing of how child maintenance is calculated. As a kid I spent all day every day at my mums. I ate there, showered there, used majority of electricity there. The only thing I did at my dad's was brush my teeth and sleep yet my mum paid the maintenance and he got the benefit. I'm actually no contact with my dad now. I couldn't live with my mum for reasons I won't get into but the whole 'resident parent pays to house you' is not always a good argument, especially when the nrp has taken on accommodation with a room for the child to stay too. The resident parent in my case would never give up his house regardless if I was living there or not. He also rarely put the heating on. I'm aware my view is biased but it would be better to calculate maintenance on days IMO. Housing costs are relative too. I don't think you are unreasonable to think as you do at all but I do think rather than ask to change maintenance you should work on getting the child comfortable enough to stay overnight

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 21:51

@worried3012

Out of interest OP what do you think he should be paying? Genuinely curious to know
I genuinely don't know, my view may well be skewed because of the pittance my ex pays me me two children. I was just posting as we have discussed it this evening and wanted to see what others thought.
OP posts:
DariaMorgendorffer · 07/04/2021 21:57

YABU

Bluntness100 · 07/04/2021 21:57

Wow. He’s hardly throwing rhe cash at her is he? He pays sixty quid a week and thinks it’s too much?

I don’t think either of you are covering yourself in glory here. He pays the bare legal min. And no he can’t pay less.

lollipopsandrainbows · 07/04/2021 22:12

£250 barley scratches the surface with a growing 8 year old. Trust me, I know. And my ex has just reduced his payments due to having two more children, meaning my daughter now has to drop an activity. You've no idea what other bills the mum has to pay in order to keep a roof over her daughters head. You only think you know, and because the child is clean and doesn't go without, you assume all is ok. Trying to reduce payment just because you have to feed the child is just cheeky, how do you know the child then doesn't go home and raid the fridge? Doesn't sit for hours draining the electricity on various devices? The reality is £250 is the bare minimum her mum deserves, and to me it sounds like the only reason you're pushing overnight stays is to reduce the payments.

User135792468 · 07/04/2021 22:13

I can’t believe you think £250 a month is too much? I’m shocked that you’re not embarrassed to post that, especially having two children yourself and knowing how much everything costs.

Original poster
Festivalgirl83 · 07/04/2021 22:15

@User135792468

I can’t believe you think £250 a month is too much? I’m shocked that you’re not embarrassed to post that, especially having two children yourself and knowing how much everything costs.
I don't think it costs that much in all honesty having two myself aged 9 and 11 😕
OP posts:
Dddccc · 07/04/2021 22:20

I have an 8 year old and can tell you it does not cost that amount of money a month also the mother should be paying same costs so 500 a month for 1 child is more then enough money however I would push for nights as driving to and from daily is not fair on your oh

Thisgirlcando · 07/04/2021 22:21

Those judging how much he pays..... it goes by his earnings. Even if he was still living with the girls Mum they wouldn’t be loaded.

CombatBarbie · 07/04/2021 22:23

I think the actual issue to be addressed is her attachment to mum. It's really unhealthy and not normal for an 8yr old to not be able to stay with a parent or grandparent for example.

I think you just need to bite the bullet and start having her EOW, you are not going to traumatise her, DH may need to sleep in with her for a while to make her feel safe but she will get over it.

Sansaplans · 07/04/2021 22:29

You've no idea what other bills the mum has to pay in order to keep a roof over her daughters head. You only think you know, and because the child is clean and doesn't go without, you assume all is ok

Most people probably have an idea of what bills someone needs to pay to keep a roof over their heads. Unless she has loads of secret ones no one else has? Confused

I think the overnight issue is more of a problem, but if she has a room at yours then at least when she's ready she knows she can stay over and has her own space. £250 doesn't seem a wild amount, but it is stupid that CMS in general is led by overnights, but the whole system is poo.

lollipopsandrainbows · 07/04/2021 22:37

@Sansaplans a person can have debts. Arrears. Loans. If any of those aren't paid, this could jeopardise the roof over her head. Pretty sure the mum doesn't have to disclose these to the ex.

User135792468 · 07/04/2021 22:37

@Festivalgirl83 I just don’t understand your reply to my post.

I spend money on clothes, shoes, toys, books, classes, treats, meals out, transport, holidays, tv subscriptions, days out, annual passes to a farm/zoo and the list goes on.

I need a bigger (and therefore more expensive) car and a bigger mortgage due to needing more bedrooms. Electricity/water are slightly raised but not much. My food bill is much higher than it would be without children, they have lots of different fruit and specific things they like.

I spend £160 a month on classes for my 3 year old. A cinema trip is at least £30 for two of us... add a meal and that’s £60 for an afternoon. Theatre tickets are expensive... games consoles, pocket money and the list goes on. A week in just a caravan in school holidays is £1000 or more. Do you not spend money on these things??

Quartz2208 · 07/04/2021 22:38

Having an 8 year old child who hates staying away from home I think you need to give her time with the staying over and help her to overcome this, it sounds like you re going very good job

But on the otherside - how on earth do you not think £250 isnt much - DD spends a £100 a month on food at high school, clubs, clothes etc

Fembot123 · 07/04/2021 22:42

@MrsTerryPratchett

'Strong bonds' do not avoidant children make. Children with strong attachments tend to be more brave and adventurous than they would otherwise be.

I'd work on trying a sleepover here or there.

Nope 😂
Goatsgetmygoat · 07/04/2021 22:48

He only pays £250 a month and wants money knocked off for 4 meals a week?! I’d be embarrassed to be with such a stingy guy.

Brainfogisreal · 07/04/2021 22:56

He pays the bare legal minimum as set out by the government, he can only reduce this if he has overnights so no he can't pay less.
Some kids just don't like staying away from home. There were quite a few children in my son's school who didn't go to school camp for this reason and they were older and had 2 parents at home.

Forthisisnt · 07/04/2021 22:56

Tight

UhtredRagnarson · 07/04/2021 22:59

Lol at saying he still pays “full maintenance” when it turns out he’s just paying the bare minimum he can legally get away with.

Also those saying it doesn’t cost £250 to house/feed a child. It’s not just food and gas though is it? It’s also the one off things like new uniforms, school trips, new shoes, a maths tutor if she needs one, saving for things like driving lessons and college when she’s older. If all I provided for my children through their lives was the roof over their head and food until they turned 18 I’d be doing a pretty shit job.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2021 23:06

WRT the cost of kids. They can cost just a few hundred for basic food and clothing, but equally you can spend thousands on a ski-ing/ballet/piano playing/fillet steak eating lifestyle. And everything in between. It's all relative to your own lifestyle and disposable income.

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